This Stuff Used to Make Me Crazy

When I saw Ms. Betty's number on my caller ID, my first inclination was to let it go to voice mail. I didn't follow my instinct.

Instead, Ms. Betty was keen to start niceties, such as inquiring about my health, my children and my day. When I didn't reciprocate, she got to the point. While she and Mr. Betty were out of town this week, some thug wormed his way under the house, into the crawl space and cut the water pipe. They even left the hack saw.

I don't know what type of reaction I was supposed to have for this circumstance, but I chose to ask what I considered the obvious.

Me: What did the police say?
Ms. Betty: Do you want me to call the police?
Me: Yes, it isn't normal that someone would crawl under the house and purposely cut the water pipe. This is vandalism.
Ms. Betty: Well, I suppose it would be a good idea. Are you sure?

After we went through this for a few minutes, she got around to telling me about the damage. I hadn't even thought about damage. I figured a cut water pipe was pretty much the worst it would get.

Oh no. They had been gone a few days. So, this incident could have happened days earlier. The water had seeped into the house. Into the walls. The floor was rotting. James, the Hell's Angels-turned-carpet-guy's carpet was moldy.

Lona at the insurance office has been alerted. I will let her call the insurance company and we will go from there.

Sanity still intact.

Up Up and Away

Today was update day for Mr. Partner. I generally wait until I have a whole bunch of stuff to say and then throw in a few minor things on top of the heavy duty stuff and end it with some gobbledy gook about how things are looking up.

And, for the record, things are looking up. I don't think I could handle any other reality right now.

Of course, looking up has nothing to do with landlord issues. We don't have any meth labs. We don't have anyone renting from me the FBI and the IRS are looking for (yes, it has happened). When you manage more than zero rental homes, there are always issues.

Ms. Shirley's dishwasher has been ordered. Mr. 114 was given a handyman list today, including taking the dishwasher out of Ms. Shirley's home and installing the new one later this week. Piece of cake.

Then there is Mr. Richards. He hasn't called me full of excuses or payment plans just yet. Last year he was in the hospital for a period of time. I didn't believe him so he sent me hospital receipts, notes from his doctor and other evidence to assure me he wasn't looking for an out. I have wondered if this was the case this time.

However, the eviction notice is still sitting on the door, suggesting nobody (like his son) is there. So Carolsue theorizes he has a girlfriend. In any case, I have an abandonment clause in my lease. If he doesn't contact me, things will really be looking up.

The Eviction Game

Mrs. Martin just sent me a flabbergasted note saying she "had no idea" she owed rent. Didn't I get the March rent payment she made?

Dear Ms. Martin. Please check the calendar: It is the end of April.

The way evictions work in Alabama is like this (have no fear, Carolsue or Legal Eagle will correct me if I am wrong):

A lease termination notice must be delivered saying rent is 10 days late. I add in late fees and the cost to serve them as well. So, the amount is always more than the rent.

This notice is usually done more than 10 days after rent is late because NOTHING EVER HAPPENS ON TIME IN THE SOUTH. The notice gives them 10 more days to get their act together and send in the rent payment.

If they don't do that, or preferably move out, then we defer to Legal Eagle, who files in the court, saying we have a deadbeat on our hands. There is some hoops to jump through here. Lots of waiting. If the tenant doesn't respond to the court filing, then the sheriff comes out in a few weeks.

If the tenant does respond to the court filing, then we go to court and they can explain to the judge why they decided to steal from me. They also owe me more money if they stay in the house that long too. Legal Eagle is happy to garnish.

These deadlines are generally arbitrary. Last year I started Wayward's eviction process with Legal Eagle on May 1. She was escorted out August 1. Mr. Smith decided to fight me. I started his process on Aug. 1 and we went to court November 3.

Marty Sunshine keeps reminding me it wouldn't take any less time if we lived there and handled this ourselves. It doesn't make me feel any better.

Incidently, Mrs. Martin just e-mailed me. She says the check is in the mail. Uh huh. Of course it is.

Mr. 114

In the event you don't remember Mr. 114, he and his lovely wife have a beautiful manicured yard and live next door to one of my rental homes. We connected because he offered to show my then-vacant home last year.

Sadly, That didn't work out too well. Mr. 114--whether he realized it or not--is a bit selective in who he wanted living next door. Because of that, I suspect he didn't shed the best light on the house to prospective tenants, turning them off to him, the house and the neighborhood. When I took him out of the picture, all of the sudden prospective tenants came out of the woodwork. I don't think he was being malicious. He really doesn't want a rental home next door to him under any circumstances.

That said, he has found peace with Ms. Shirley, my current tenant. And, he is currently taking care of her yard. This happened through a strange bit of circumstance. As the story goes, he went over to borrow a cup of sugar/borrow an egg/because was curious, and saw a bid from a lawn service on her door. He left a hasty note, telling Ms. Shirley that he would be happy to mow the lawn for less. Ms. Shirley hired him.

Mr. 114 and I have stayed in touch for the past year for a variety of reasons. Mainly he and I share a vested interest in home values. Jack regularly sends me updates on the values of my homes. Once in a while something comes up in Mr. 114's neighborhood and I share it with him. We then have a "Gasp! Can you believe it. Wow! What the heck is happening to the home values in the area??" e-mail exchange. Actually, in the particular area where Mr. 114 and Ms. Shirley live, the values aren't too bad.

Anyway, the last time this exchange took place, Mr. 114 told me he was laid off from his job. I asked what he was planning on doing and he naively responded by telling me he is starting his own lawn service/handyman service.

There are very few things that bring joy to a landlord the way hearing the words "handyman" does. I sent him a quick list of things to bid out for me. I assured him, if his price was good and he didn't mind driving I would probably be a steady customer.

Meanwhile, Ms. Shirley's dishwasher went out. As it is 15 years old, and the part is $250, it isn't worth repairing. Home Depot still will deliver but won't install. So, Mr. 114 to the rescue!

To the Wolves

Tomorrow morning, armed with lots of attitude, Carolsue is going to serve Mr. Richards and Mrs. Martin. Most likely I will get partial payments from Mrs. Martin before all is said and done. Mr. Richards will probably just send me some excuse and rent a few days afterwards.

If I can actually talk to either of them, I think it is time for a heart-to-heart. They need to move. They need to figure out a way to live within their means. Let me sell the homes or find renters who want to pay. But more importantly, they need to get the heck out of my life. They are sucking out the positive energy from my very being.

There is a fine line between my lack of patience and my willingness to put money in the bank. With Legal Eagle's recent wisdom burned into my frontal lobes, I will probably consider taking the payments. Even if I don't want to.

Just an Observation

Sometimes owning an accidental small business is like channeling a manic toddler.

Earlier this week I was poised for my monthly temper tantrum. Everything was not going as I planned. Not that anything really ever goes as planned in life. But there is a small faction of society who seems to think I happen to have control issues.

Later in the week, after my long nap, I was pretty even keeled. The annoying things were on the back burner. The good things consisted of rent checks and a suspicious lack of e-mails from my problem children.

Then, after talking with Diamond Jim and Jack yesterday I am ready to take on the world. All the weird and annoying stuff heaping around me is settling down. (Mind you, it is still there.) I have focus. And at this moment I can play well with others.

I Just Want to Make Sure I Clearly Understood

So, Mr. Partner called this afternoon. During our conversation, I told him I wanted to start eviction proceedings on Mr. Richards. I was bracing myself, knowing he was doing the mental calculations of what this means to us. Knowing there would be money to spend.

Instead he said, "Go for it. I trust you."

Now I am sitting back, analyzing "I trust you" and every possible scenario. I am looking for the hidden meaning and wondering what he really meant.

Ugh. I am such a girl.

Another Vacant Home

The family that bounced a check to me earlier this month dutifully sent a cashier's check. The wife also sent me a very sweet e-mail. In it she said she keeps "forgetting to pay the rent" so they are moving out at the end of next month.

The green landlord would have written back and said, "Why don't I send you a reminder each month and you can stay." The sage landlord says, "Hate to see you go, good luck."

Because, let's face it, if you are "forgetting" to pay for a place to live, you have bigger issues in your life. I wish I would have figured this one out earlier in my landlording career.

There are a few logistics to her e-mail that I need to address. Such as her move-out date. Such as the fact she is breaking her lease. Such as the fact I don't want her to leave her garbage when she goes and would appreciate if she would clean up on her way out the door. All of these things need to be addressed. But not today. That is tomorrow's task.

Gratitude

A friend is running a 20 day gratitude blog, mentioning each day what she is grateful for. Just for fun, I have been doing this on paper, applying it to my personal life. I decided maybe it was time to look at adding a few gratitude items to my company life. After all, gratitude comes from attitude. Attitude is what drives the rest of the game.

1. The people, past and present, who have supported me in this endeavor and enriched my life.

2. The ability to (hopefully) help and serve others. I am providing a service: a place to live with the potential for my tenants to purchase if they are in a position to do so. Even if they do not, it at least gives them a chance to explore the idea and see if home ownership is for them.

3. A business plan. It is my road map. Sometimes I forget where I am going and all I have to do is dust off the business plan and say "oh yes... we bought a few homes. Now why did we do that?"

4. Tenants who move out because their situation is no longer conducive to where they live. I am grateful for those folks. They tell it like it is and generally don't leave too much of a mess. Most of the time their homes are easier to clean and get re-rented.

5. A business partner who understands property management is work. And, that would be work he doesn't have to do. It makes things easier knowing we aren't going to go head to head over the minor things. And the ability to learn and grow from Mr. Partner's experience because he has been doing this much longer than I. His input is valued.

Sigh

You know that friend who calls you once a month because the sky is falling? They fill your ears will all sorts of scenarios of the imaginary disasters that are probably going to befall upon them. And you, caught between "she a good friend" and "could she please get a grip already!" tolerate it as much as you can until thankfully you have the lamest of excuses to get you off the phone. "Um... I have to go now... I am overdue from balancing my check book." That kind of thing.

Well, today your drama queen friend would be me. For whatever reason, my imagination was in overdrive. The drama was overwhelming. Nothing was calming me--not even my old standby friends who endure the once a month drama. And frankly, I didn't need the drama. It only made the reality worse.

It didn't help today that I heard from Mrs. 508 and Ms. Betty. Both of whom have their own drama going on and opted to share it with me, whether or not I really wanted to hear it (and Ms. Betty cried).

Nor did it help that Mr. Richards is still being a flake and Mrs. Martin is nowhere to be found.

Or that the people who sent me the hot check last week now tell me they are moving out--NEXT MONTH (it would take just as long to evict them and cost more money as it will to wait for them to just leave).

And, it doesn't help that I have another vacant home as of today.

Today was one of those days that just made me want to say "uncle," crawl back in bed and wait until November to peek back out and see if the coast is clear.

I hope tomorrow looks better.

Legal Advice

Yesterday, I got a check from Mrs. Martin for the remainder of her March rent. My first call was to Legal Eagle wanting to know if she had filed with the court just yet. She hadn't.

Let's back up here. Yes, I sent Legal Eagle Mrs. Martin's file more than a week ago. However, in the event I haven't fully explained this, the culture in the South is to take their time with just about everything. And, in all fairness to Legal Eagle, she had been out sick for a couple of days too. (But it doesn't change the slow Southern culture that drives me out of my mind.)

I really didn't want to take Mrs. Martin's money. I would much rather kick her out. I so want her out of my home, and more importantly out of my life. I realize if I accept her rent I will have to go through this same stupidity in a few weeks.

I also realize if I evict her I will have to go without rent for a few months, while either Mrs. Martin 1) hangs out in my home waiting for the sheriff to kick her out or 2) finds another place to live but leaves me a mess to clean up and walls to paint. Neither idea appeals to me.

Legal Eagle offered me her best lawyerly advice, "Honey, a half a loaf of bread is better than no loaf of bread. Take the money and evict her next month."

Oh No! Not Another Learning Experience!

Several years ago, Bliz introduced me to the Law of Attraction. Essentially, if you can think it, you can be it. I unconsciously tried out this concept last year. I thought "disaster" and that's about what I got.

In January, I started really focusing on the idea of the Law of Attraction and what potential I could get from it. Before I got out of bed every day, I would envision what I wanted to see happen--in this case it was a peaceful and profitable existence with my Alabama business. And, I was getting it.

Yes, I had the overall annoyances with broken air conditioners and the maddening tenants, but for the most part, these challenges didn't have the same emotional impact I felt last summer. Nor did they really have a tremendous impact on my internal peace and prospective prosperity.

About two weeks ago, I stopped my daily mantra. I didn't realize I stopped it right away. However, I did notice a lot of general annoyances starting to add up. Mrs. Martin. Mrs. 508. This week's check that bounced. Ms. Betty. Wind damage to one of my homes. That kind of thing.

Yesterday I reached my brink. My day started and ended with the word "cluster." Marty Sunshine did what any good husband would do when faced with a crazed wife on the verge of a breakdown: he left me alone with the TV remote so I could watch baseball, all the while saying a prayer the Diamondbacks might possibly win and my mood would improve. (The Diamondbacks did miraculously pull off a win--just for the record).

My mood didn't improve until today. This morning I realized my drama was building inside my head. Oh yes, these latest annoyances are no different than the annoyances last month or the month before. There are always annoyances. The difference being how I was instantly reacting. When I thought of my challenges as individual issues, I had peace. I could handle it.

When I started adding up everything going on and all the drama (real or imaginary), looking for evidence about how we were drowning, I started seeing failure everywhere. This morning, I immediately started my mantra again. And all of the sudden it really doesn't seem so bad.

Doubled Over

Before a reasonable hour Monday, Bliz sent me an e-mail telling me one of my rental checks bounced. I said a slew of unrepeatable words, proving once again I am NOT from the South were manners are the forefront of society. In the South, the same sentiment boils down to "bless their hearts."

I am not surprised this check bounced. This tenant has been acting funny for a few weeks. She sends me cryptic notes saying she will call me to "touch base about something" and then doesn't. When her check was late I called her, asking about the missing money. She assured me husband sent it, phrasing her words in such a way to make me wonder if her husband was on his way to the post office right there and then.

Now before we go off the deep end here, let's take a moment to give the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she didn't subtract properly. Perhaps there is a mistake at the bank. Perhaps she was getting paid and didn't get the money in the account soon enough. Perhaps it was just one of those things. Yes, bounced checks happen. I get that.

But even before I cashed it I had some sort of suspicion. In fact, I told Carolsue a couple of weeks ago to be on the lookout for another termination letter I was sending her way for her to process serve. So, this bounced check may be an accident, but I doubt it.

To me, an inexcusable bounced check is one of the worst kinds of breaches. I am not talking about any of the above disclaimers or the tenant who calls and says "my check bounced. I am sending a new one" (that happens).

I can handle the tenants who don't pay or pay late much better than I can handle the one who sends me a hot check. In the landlord-tenant dynamic, a bounced check is a sucker punch. Everything will be going along fine then BAM, they knock all trust and tolerance out of me. A purposeful bounced check changes the relationship on a dime. Everything from here on out will be a cashier's check. It ruins relationship and any future goodwill. There is no going back.

My True Enemy

Kryptonite is to Superman what paper is to me. Paper makes me incapacitated, paralyzed, unable to regain my senses. Bliz--who knows this--blitzes me with papers to file on a monthly basis. Yes, I know it is her job to look at the papers I send her, pay the bills and then send it to me to file. But come on! Isn't there some sort of unrealistic environmental movement to become a paperless society?

At this point, I think it is fair to say, I am doing my level best to ensure I won't be weakened by my kryptonite. Just like Superman, I am avoiding.

Many years ago, I hired a file clerk. A sweet young woman with a heart of gold who taught me filing is not an inherently obvious skill. After some degree of coaching, I gave up. She just didn't get it.

Because Marty is now working in an office and I am starting to sell real estate more, I have hired a local homeschooled teenager to come over and help me with the kids a couple afternoons a week. The other day while she was over and the kids were preoccupied, I asked her if she would be interested in trying her hand at filing.

The dear girl actually caught on very quickly. And she liked it! With any luck I may have found a part time file clerk who can withstand the power of my arch nemesis.

Hello and Welcome to My Therapy

Although I have no proof, I have a very strong suspicion one of my tenants found my blog. Even with pseudonyms, there is a very good chance I have been outed. After all, how many of us are out there who have similar circumstances to mine?

Yea, there are other landlords. Yea, there are other landlords who live remotely and manage properties, but for whatever reason the uniquely weird seems to go my way. And, if I didn't look at what was going on as unusual and weird, then I would probably look at is as downright freaky at times. So, my interpretation of "weird" is like thinking the glass is half-full.

My new readers who may--or maybe not--have found me have had a mention in here a time or two, but not because they caused me grief. And no, it isn't Ms. Betty (if it was, maybe the phone would stop ringing as much). The person who found me is one of the low maintenance folks peacefully existing in their own little patch of Bama.

When I first figured this out, I was having one of those internal awkward moments about acknowledging the whole thing. "Um... hello. Yep, Good to see you... Um... Goodbye." In a moment of embarrassed panic it occurred to me to cancel this blog, but that seems so drastic. Now that the initial shock has worn off, I decided I was here first. This is MY therapy. I write to keep my sanity.

What I write about is true. Even if at times I wish it wasn't. So, if you have found me out, hello and enjoy the glimpse into my world.

Not Feeling the Love

I sent Legal Eagle my file on Mrs. Martin Wednesday. I followed up with a note yesterday. I told her to please let Mrs. Martin know I plan to garnish her wages. I will file criminal charges if the house is damaged. I will no longer negotiate, she is being evicted. There is no more love. On top of that, Legal Eagle will tell her not to call me.

I would be willing to bet my stash of Starburst jelly beans (and you can only get those once a year) that I will get a text message, phone call, fax or e-mail from Mrs. Martin as soon as she is served. After she explains she doesn't owe me as much as I say she does (because she has conveniently forgotten), she will then ask for mercy and tell me when she is next sending money in.

If Mrs. Martin just moves out instead, it will be worth loosing my jelly beans.

Landlording Basics

Today's Landlord Primer has to do with college students. When I say "college student" I am referring to someone in the 18 to 23 year old range who attends an institution of higher learning as their primary vocation. I am not referring to someone taking night school classes and working full time or someone (generally over 30) who has already had a career and a family and is going back to school.

I happen to think college students need a place to live just like anyone else. In fact, they have many options available to them that the average family doesn't have, including mom and dad and a dorm room. But, usually those aren't choices the student is looking for.

I understand everyone is different and there are probably wonderful people in this age bracket--some I would even consider renting to under the right circumstance. But the idea of six young people living under one roof with no other commitments does not bode well with me.

Let's say for a moment a college student wants to rent my home with three of his buddies. Between the four of them they can break up the rent to a small, manageable chunk each. This would give them left over money for the electricity, water, gas bills and beer. I am afraid they still wouldn't be renting from me. There are many landlords who don't mind students. I just don't happen to be one of them.

Students generally stay for a year or less. Despite their best of intentions, students really don't know what will be going on from one semester to the next. What if one of the residents on the lease wants to change schools? If that person bails, the other three are still responsible for the lease. And what if this person moves out and the enterprising roommates get another person to occupy that empty room. And, if the new tenant (who is not on the lease) doesn't work out and does considerable damage to the home, the other three are still liable for the damage.

That said, if a collage student only stays for a year, this puts the landlord in the predicament of having to revamp the property at the end of the lease and start the process over. Repairs, renovations and loss of rent are costly. I might have mentioned that a time or two.

As a whole, college students aren't domestic. When my brother was about 19 or so, he once roomed with three of his closest buddies. I went to visit once and found the trash piled high in the corner. My brother explained that it was Patrick's turn to take it out, so nobody else was touching it. Patrick had been out of town for two weeks.

College students don't generally have tools available to make minor repairs. So, if the door knob falls off, there is a greater probability of them letting the door knob stay off and just nudging the door open with their knee or foot. This action will eventually lead to a hole in the door. So, an $8.00 door knob repair becomes a $250 door replacement.

That said, once the door has been damaged, what is the motivation for them keeping the place up? They already know they aren't getting their deposit back. Why not play catch with a shot put and juggle the flame thrower in the living room?

What a student lacks in domestic, they probably make up for in social. As a landlord, it isn't comforting to hear from one of the neighbors because the tenants threw a wild party the night before. The police came. People were bungie jumping from the roof. There was underage drinking. And someone left their zebra on the front lawn.

College students usually haven't established credit. And, most likely they don't have a long-term job the landlord could garnish if necessary. To make up for this unfortunate situation, landlords find cosigners for the students. The cosigners tend to be the parents. A cosigner is the one who guarantees the rent and the condition of the property if their child doesn't hold up their end of the bargain.

On the occasions I have required a cosigner, I have insisted on having someone who lives in the state my properties are in. It is much harder to go after a cosigner if they are in North Dakota and my tenant is not. I also do my standard credit/background/eviction search on the cosigner. Additionally, I will ask for an employment verification.

As a real estate agent I have seen many properties near Arizona State that have suffered the "student rental" curse. These houses, though repaired, still have battle scars of students past. There are patched walls, low quality fixtures (faucets, towel bars, ceiling fans) that look like they were recently replaced and a bungie rope dangling from the balcony. The landlord is ready to rerent the homes, but the properties don't have an inviting feel.

The landlords I have met who do rent to students charge a premium. The deposits are higher. The rent is higher. I have the utmost respect to any landlord who is willing to go this route. I just don't have the stomach lining to handle it.

Street Cred

"Street Cred" is a term introduced to me by a friend of mine (who happens to be my age--that is, old enough to clearly remember 1978). Although I am not certain, I am under the impression it is a legitimate slang phrase.

Today I met someone else who apparently was familiar with this phrase. Ms. Kathy called because there seems to be some sort of electrical issue in her home. The poor woman was in a panic because she was afraid the entire house would need to be rewired (which, in my estimation, seems to be the overall conclusion people jump to when anything electrical comes up).

At any rate, I told Ms. Kathy to call my favorite Alabama electrician, explain who she rented from (me) and what the problem was. He would be able to help her out. "You have street cred?" she asked. I certainly hoped I still did.

Personally, I wasn't sure how much credibility I still had with them. I am sure my credibility would be much higher if I had been paying a little more quickly in the last quarter of 2008, but nevertheless, I opted to have Ms. Kathy test the waters.

It turns out I am still ok. Mike the Electrician gave Ms. Kathy a quick over the phone diagnosis--most likely a loose wire inside an outlet, causing all of the other outlets not to work too (or something along those lines). Think pulling out a lamp cord too roughly out of the socket and loosening the internal wiring. That was what I had pretty much figured was the case.

Experience tells me a loose wire often is the offending issue when all things electrical come up. Though, I must tell you, there was a time when I thought "rewire" too. But that was before managing a gazillion homes in Alabama. Which brings up another interesting bit of trivia: I never needed an electrician until I started managing a gazillion homes in Alabama and now I am on my fourth. But, I digress...

After confirming with Ms. Kathy Mike and his band of Merry Electricians would be heading over to her home later this week, I called their office. In the past, they have always billed me instead of asking for a credit card over the phone. I was hoping they still thought enough of me to do this again.

It turns out I am still on the electrician's tolerable client list. "Ms. Landlord," Becky the Billing Goddess said, "Your credit is good with us."

Today's Shout Out

Happy Birthday to Carolsue.

Many years ago I got an e-mail from Carolsue, who was helping Baseball Guy find a place to live. Who knew that e-mail would spark a friendship? Carolsue has been a strong advocate. Her assistance and advice is invaluable and I would not have made it through last year's nightmare without her. I am truly blessed.

The Ugly Side

I assure you, nobody has ever accurately accused me of being a bleeding heart. It doesn't mean I don't feel sadness when I have to evict someone. I hate it. I really do. And, it isn't just the isn't just the attorney fees I am talking about. I hate the process. I hate the emotional energy spent on this process.

I hate being put in a position where I have to force someone out on the street. What an awful feeling that is. Even if they deserve it. Even if they owe the money. Even if this experience might be the best thing that happened to them because they now have a chance to start over and live within their means. It doesn't stop me from cringing when I think about it.

I think about their children who need a sense of security. How awful that must be to have to pack up and move. Those kids are probably given little explanation or they are told the mean landlord has it out for them. I hate seeing kids uprooted under these situations. Even more, I hate seeing kids have to live with the poor choices their parents have made.

I think about the energy around that family when they are being evicted. It can't be peaceful in that home. It doesn't matter if it is an extended family situation or a single mom. The stress must be terrible. They probably aren't just loosing their home. Most people make it a priority to pay the rent first. There are probably other bills too. There are probably bill collectors calling. The stress must be terrible.

I think about what kind of Karma someone in this situation leaves behind. Wayward's Karma was so bad she threw a bunch of her nasty Karma my direction. Fortunately, Mr. Smith didn't leave me the headache Wayward left me. Instead, Mr. Smith left me on the financial brink. The Good Pastor left me a messy house. And given his belief system, I suspect there will be Someone taking care of him eventually. I don't want these people to leave their bad Karma in my home for the next person to have to deal with. Nor do I want thier Karma following me around.

When All Bets Are Off

There is a period of time between when I decide I am through and the tenant realizes I am through. Sometimes it is a split second. Sometimes, as in the case of Mr. Smith, it is about six weeks.

Most of the time when I reach this point, the tenant figures it out in a few days. And the reason why is they have received a second notice saying next time I see them will be in front of a judge.

I think the period from when I have decided they will no longer live there and before they realize they are moving is a lull. There is some notion floating through their imagination that I have somehow backed off and am ok with the current arrangement. That by the Grace of all that is Holy, they have gotten an answer to their prayer--a reprieve until the next time I call. Phew. Sadly, what they don't understand is that I won't speak to them any more. The next communication and all communications from this point forward are with Legal Eagle.

Generally as the realization that really-for-true-no-kidding-yep-this-eviction-is-happening hits, they do one of three actions. Either they will contact me asking for mercy, they will move or they will make me evict them. You may ask Wayward how well waiting for the eviction to works. She has a good portion of her paycheck going to Legal Eagle every month.

I am not sure if Mrs. Martin fully realizes I am done. In my text I told her so. She wrote me back, giving me a sob story and sketchy payment plan that she has proven she won't follow. I suspect she really does think I am running a charity.

Hell Hath No Wrath Like a Landlord Scorned

The Liar Mrs. Martin, sent me a pity check. Essentially she sent me half the rent along with an incoherent note saying the rest will come eventually.

Oh, it will come. In a wage garnishment. I already called Legal Eagle.

What are the Odds?

A long time ago, a tenant called me just to inform me her house got struck by lightening. Twice. Within a 24 hour time span. I immediately told her to hang up and go buy a lottery ticket.

Diamond Jim

Many, many years ago, I hired Erin the Unscrupulous Bookkeeper. Two months into our one month business relationship, she had given me three things: a migraine headache, the name of the best CPA this side of the Rockies and enough evidence against her that the Arizona Attorney General's Office had no problem seeing my point of view when it became ugly.

I don't miss Erin or the migraine. I got my money back and now have the ever-so-terrific Bliz handling my books (as long as she will put up with me). I also still have Diamond Jim, my CPA.

Diamond Jim has been handling my taxes and that of our business since the day I met him. My only complaint is last year he and his wife moved to nowhere Oregon to semi-retire. However, his client base rebelled and he opted to spend tax season away from Mrs. Diamond and down here with us Phoenicians instead. It was probably for the best, I don't think Diamond Jim's wife was ready to have all of Jim's clients camping on their front yard waiting for their 1040s to be filled out. And, I don't think Jim's clientele were ready to part to part with him either.

Part of what I don't like about tax season is running interference between Mr. Partner and Diamond Jim--knowing that Jim works much better when he is not getting 2,000 calls a day from Mr. Partner asking for his forms.

This year, like every year, Mr. Partner started asking questions about when he could expect his tax documents from Diamond Jim. Of course, this is a natural question, given Uncle Sam has some pretty tight deadlines coming up. I did what I do every year when faced with this issue, I took Mr. Partner's question and shot it over to Diamond Jim. Jim in turn, gave me an answer. I, in turn, told Mr. Partner Jim's answer but added an extra week. This was credibility insurance. I sometimes find it is better to extend Mr. Partner's expectations.

It is probably a good thing I did. Diamond Jim had to leave town last Thursday morning. And, as of last Wednesday morning, he was still working on our complicated taxes. But he did promise it would be done before he got on the plane.

Through the course of last Wednesday, Diamond Jim called asking for all sorts of additional information. I gladly obliged. Meanwhile, I was dodging Mr. Partner's calls and e-mails. Somewhere in there I offered to bring Jim dinner so he could work straight through. I am sure I am not Jim's biggest client, but I know how to take care of my vendors (and in this case, friends).

Thursday morning, before the chickens were up, I hauled myself out of bed and headed over to Diamond Jim's office to grab Mr. Partner's forms, the returns for the State of Arizona, State of Alabama and the Federal Government's. All polished gems.