The Yankee

Carolsue once advised me to act like a "rich white Yankee bitch" if I wanted to garner any respect in Birmingham. Because I wasn't Southern, this was the only way the Southern Men I have to deal with would notice me. At the time I thought it was a bit wacked, but as time has progressed, I am finding she is right.

Most of the time, common courtesy works just fine when I have to deal with those in the South. Just yesterday, I had a lovely conversation with Mr. 114, who always makes me smile. There were the usual "pleases," "thank yous," and his standard, "you betcha girl, I'm always happy to help you," which always goes far with me. And, for you feminists out there, in this case, Mr. 114 means "girl" here as a term of endearment.

Unfortunately, Carolsue is right about the rich white Yankee bitch thing when it comes to Flunky. Flunky is a southern redneck who has no use for me. He looks like--and I am not making this up--the comic book store character from The Simpsons. He acts like Napoleon. Except when he talks to Marty Sunshine. To Marty Sunshine he says things like, "Yes Sir," and "Mr. Landlord, I am happy to help you," and all sorts of other things that make me pull my hair out.

Flunky and I are having a difference of opinions on a few items. Recently, he suggested that it really is too much to ask for a tenant to maintain the yard. He and I already had this conversation a dozen times, and I had gotten nowhere with the, "bless your heart. Yes tenants can maintain a yard." So, I tried Carolsue's approach. After going back and forth with him yesterday about this particular issue, I finally wrote:

"It is reasonable to expect ANY tenant--regardless of whether or not the Third Reich HOA is managing the neighborhood or not--to maintain their yard. So, yes, the tenant can throw down grass seed. They signed up for a home with a yard. They have a yard. They maintain it. Just like they signed up to have a home with a kitchen, they get to clean the kitchen. If they didn't want a yard, they should have an apartment. And if they wish to move because it is too much of a burden, they may move and be in violation of their lease. I promise grass seed costs much less than legal action. Or, if it is too much of a burden for you to convey this to them, let me know and I will do your job."

And what do you know? This time Flunky got the message.  

HOA-SS

A long, long time ago we bought an investment home in the small bedroom community of Calera, nestled half way between Montgomery and Birmingham. To be fair, we bought two homes there. But the one in question is on Hysteria Lane--which is living up to its name.

Again.

For the past several years, this community existed quite nicely. I never had too much trouble keeping the place rented. I had a few weird experiences, like the time the tenant's kid thought he was sexting his girlfriend, but instead it was going to my Alabama phone line. And he didn't believe me at first when I said he was sending these solicitations to his mother's landlord. But, that was years past.

Anyway, apparently some homeowners in the vicinity got it in their heads that this neighborhood would be better served if it was under the guidance of a home owner's association. Because that is what makes the neighborhood valuable. Right? "Value" doesn't come from desirability and personal responsibility. Never! (By the way, my most "valuable" home in Alabama doesn't have an HOA.) Sadly, because I wasn't there, I didn't get to say, "NO!" I am stuck with an HOA. Albeit, a stupid HOA.

To be fair, the other house in Calera has had an HOA from day one (they have a community pool--which strikes me as a legitimate reason for an HOA), and all they do is ask me to pay their fees once a year and leave me alone. The HOA for Hysteria Lane has only been around since October and I am already sick of them.

The biggest issue I am having with them is that they keep telling me I have "weeds" in my yard. However, the four nasty-grams I have gotten from them are a bit nondescript when it comes to "weeds." I know for a fact, that one time when I got the compliance letter, the front yard was under four inches of snow,

This latest letter is threatening "Attorney Action" and is telling me once again, there are weeds. Now, you think I would employ a property management company to help me out with these kind of issues. Unfortunately, Flunky is my contact at the property management company for such things. And, he is a bit worthless. For one thing, he sent me pictures showing me how his yard company went out to the home and mowed it. Nope, not a weed. But I am not sure what they mowed, because the spring grass hasn't come in. Hopefully the tenant didn't pay dearly for that. However, another picture he sent me from that batch was of the tenant's junk lined up on the side of the home. The HOA isn't complaining about that. Yet. But I am. And I am sure the HOA will notice it soon.

When I discussed this matter via e-mail with Flunky yesterday, he said, "Is the HOA suggesting the tenant put down grass and maintain it, because I am not sure the tenants will agree to that." My reply was, "Then the tenant can move. Because if they can't afford a bag of grass seed, they certainly can't afford the rent."

When I called the HOA today I spoke with someone who swears she personally drives by and sees the weeds herself. I asked her how that was possible when one of the violation notices was on the day after the first snowfall of the year. She didn't have a reply. I then asked her if she could point out the weeds to the tenant, because we are all kind of befuddled. I also pointed out if they keep sending these nasty-grams, the tenant will move out. Nobody will want to rent the house and that won't help the value either.

I would like to say the conversation stayed professional. But my conscience is clear: I didn't start it. But I did ask if it was her company's policy to mimic the Third Reich, though I am pretty sure she didn't know what that meant.

Where it is left now is she is going to go by herself, take a picture of the weeds and send them to me so we can all verify there are such things growing in this yard. Meanwhile, I am going to e-mail Flunky and tell him to have the tenants move their crap from the side yard before the HOA-SS shows up.

If A Tree Falls In Moody Who Hears About It?

I haven't given the home in Moody the appropriate attention it deserves here on the ol' blog of late. After years of writing about Mr. Smith (who still lives directly across the street) and Ms. Kathy whose sister lives directly next door (I don't know if Ms. Kathy lives with her or just visits her on a daily basis), I have kind of wanted to put this house into the recesses of my mind and just go on with my life.

But I want a lot of things that I want aren't happening these days.

The house in Moody is a three bedroom, one bath, 1,100 square foot home. The yard is about a half acre, probably bigger. Though this house is tiny with one bathroom, I have never had trouble renting this place out. The schools, I hear, in Moody are fantastic and people line up to live in this redneck dump charming village.*

To give you an idea of how charming Moody is, you have to drive past the--and I am not making this up--tombstone rental store on the way to the town center. The neighborhood where this home is located is behind the police department. The same police station that was flattened after a series of tornadoes went through a few years ago. However, this car is still in the parking lot.

Anyway, the house in Moody has been the source of a lot of consternation lately. First, a tree fell. A very tall tree. I am told it was in the back yard, but for the life of me, I cannot remember a tree in the back yard of this house. Fortunately, the only damage done by the tree was to the tree itself and to the 3 foot high chain link fence that (of course) separated my yard and the yard of Ms. Kathy's sister's house.

I found out about this because Flunky e-mailed me hours after this incident asking what he was supposed to do. His e-mail once again demonstrated that the years of charm school his mother invested into him were a complete waste. In all fairness, he did not know the fence in question was the one between my home and Ms. Kathy's sister, but that is still no reason to be obnoxious.

According to Flunky, the neighbor (who knows darn well who I am) was all up in arms about this. She was threatening all sorts of legal things if the "owner didn't fix it right away". This of course was a huge bluff because 1) I am not quite sure how much fixing is needed. It seems like cutting the wood, straightening out the fence and getting on with our lives would suffice, and 2) I doubt she can find a lawyer who will take on the great "a tree fell on my fence and I am devastated" case or afford the retainer for the one attorney in the greater Birmingham metropolitan area who would agree to this. But, that's just me.


*Now to be fair, Leeds is just across I-20 from Moody (think of it like a sister city) and there are many adjectives I would use to describe Leeds, and none of them would be "charming village."

Victory-ish

Well, I passed. I would like to tell you with flying colors or some sort of other platitude, but I can't for two reasons:

1. I don't know my score. The testing center doesn't provide that.

2. The test was as much of a nightmare as last Tuesday's test, except the questions were different and the situations were trickier.

The test was truly, either one knew what they were doing, or they didn't. I guess I know what I am doing. ("You are holding an open house for a listing through your brokerage for another salesperson and a potential buyer comes in and asks you for details about the home, neighborhood and pricing. Your agency is now: an ostensible agent to the seller only, an implied agent to the buyer, a dual agent, or you are not providing any agency." By the way, the answer is dual agent.).

Now that the major component of getting my broker's license is out of the way, I have other tasks to accomplish. First, I don't have my broker's license. I still have to take three more classes--and I cannot stress how little desire I have to sit in a classroom right now. I also have to wait for my criminal clearance card to the State of Arizona to be processed and returned to me. Given I sent my fingerprints in two weeks ago and as of yesterday the check wasn't cashed, I am guessing I have time. Once the criminal clearance comes back, I then submit a bunch of paperwork to the Arizona Department of Real Estate and write them a big fat check.

In the meantime, I can work on our under-capitalized Alabama issues, get around to writing of the joys I am dealing with over in that neck of the woods (and there weird stories) and possibly--but I am not promising anything--do a load of laundry.

Testing Update

First, Thank you for your comment Jeanne.

I passed the school test. It was 400 questions. The first 200 (TWO HUNDRED!) were like this:

"You purchased an improved quarter of a quarter section 15 years ago with a commercial structure with a current assessed value of $374,000 per $100 at $2.43 mil and have been renting it out for five years with $45000 in monthly expenses. What would you need to sell the building for to receive a 25% profit, after depreciation? What are the current taxes? What is the gross rent multiplier? What is the current cap rate, given no vacancies or credit? What is your acreage and how big is the structure given 37% for setbacks and easements? And how much wood, did the woodchuck chuck when its train left the station heading North at 4 p.m. New Zealand time?

It took me three and a half hours (of the five granted to me) to finish those questions.

The other test was two hundred law questions, which seemed like trivia questions by the time I got around to answering them.

I passed those tests, by the way.

Today I take the state test. It is also four hundred questions. These tests are broken into "Arizona-specific" and "national-specific" questions. I am told today's tests are "entirely different." I noticed nobody said "easier." All I am hoping at this point is there are no more train questions.

It Wasn't Meant To Be

Luigi replied to my e-mail.

The first response was something completely unrelated to the e-mail I forwarded, showing that his company lost out on instant money. Seriously: it was theirs to loose.

Figuring he just skimmed the exchange between Amy and I, I wrote him back, acknowledging his comment and then directed him to the part where I asked for the tenant to be offered the right to buy the home (which she has been asking to purchase for more than a year).

His response: "Oh, ok."

Meanwhile, I contacted Kirby. We both got a laugh out of this and he said he would have "killed" one of his agents who walked away from an instant commission. It looks like the listing will be his.

If I Had Done This Where I Work, I Would Have Been Fired

I would like to tell you I make this stuff up. But, I can't.

So, Mrs. Martin's lease is up at the end of March. I am not renewing it for a myriad of reasons, including the mortgage is owned by the same bank that is foreclosing on another property. They have threatened to attach a lien to one of our homes for the foreclosure. They can only do that if the mortgage is with them.

We bought at the wrong time. We are selling at a time undesirable for us. The home has a two and a half year old roof and a 6 month old HVAC system. The tenant is clean. I would like to tell you she pays on time but, no. I would have let her stay, despite being late, because she didn't want to move and I didn't want to deal with an empty house. But even if she did leave, the house rents easily and I make a profit.

Anyway, because I have to sell the house, it certainly would be ideal to sell it to the tenant. At least that's my line of thinking. And, it would save me some extra fees because I would only have to pay the property management company for their portion (3%). My contract with the property management company is set up so they can sell the house to the tenant if I so desire. And, until about 10 a.m. today, I desired.

I sent an e-mail to Ms. Amy. She works at the property management company. I like her well enough and find her to be responsive when I call. I am told I have an official contact at the office, but that person--who is in charge of managing a gazillion minus two homes--has never once contacted me. So, currently Ms. Amy is my only contact and for the past few weeks she is my current source of stress. But, that is for another, completely unrelated blog.

Back to this nonsense. So, I wrote an e-mail to Ms. Amy and asked her to forward it to the tenant. I offered the home to the tenant for sale at a complete fire-sale price, even if I add in what I would owe the property management company.  I said I would like the sale to be completed by April 15 and we can part friends. For this to happen she would need to provide a prequalification letter no later than Feb. 29, 2016 and at that time Legal Owl or a representative from the property management company would write up the agreement. I also put in the e-mail if she wanted representation, I would not pay for it. But, if she wasn't interested in buying, then she needed to get her stuff out by the end of next month.

After I sent this e-mail I heard nothing back. I e-mailed Ms. Amy, who gave me some weird song and dance about how someone else is handling this particular tenant. But didn't answer my question: was my offer delivered to the tenant? I sent a second e-mail to Ms. Amy. This time she wrote me back. She said as a licensed real estate agent I should know better than to "work around" the property management company I am contracted with. So, no. She did not offer it for sale.

Let's get this straight: I have the tenant's email address and phone number. Heck, I even have the tenant's physical address. If I were going to "work around" the property management company, I WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED THE PROPERTY MANAGEMENT COMPANY TO OFFER THE HOME FOR SALE TO THE TENANT ON MY BEHALF.

Instead of pointing out the logic to Ms. Amy, bless her heart, I just told her I would be taking the home out of management April 1st or whenever the tenant moved out. Which ever came first. I would have a representative pick up the keys. And then I turned around and sent my conversation with Ms. Amy to Luigi--so he can see what his employees are doing. All I wrote was, "For the record, I gave your company first rights to sell this house."

A Random Posting from a Very Tired Student

So, I have spent the weekend studying for my broker's test. And at this point, I am confident I can pass the owner financing and property management section of the test (which happen to make up the two major components of we somewhat unsuccessfully did in Birmingham). My knowledge of everything else on the test is still questionable, though Marty Sunshine assures me I will be fine.

Studying has reminded me of a lot of Accidental Business aspects I have chosen to bury. Like how Jack and Late Attorney Jon approached us in 2007 about starting a Real Investment Trust and offered to bring in investors, using my business model and other people's money. They liked what I had to offer. They knew people who also liked what they heard about my accidental business. In fact, they had already been pitching the idea on our behalf long before they came to me.

Late Attorney Jon also got me in front of an SEC attorney in early 2008 so I could sell my idea and start the ball rolling. The attorneys bought off and were willing to work with us. All they needed in January of 2008 was commitment from us that we were ready to go forward. Then, the Birmingham economy crashed. That crash actually happened about four months before the rest of the country. But the distraction of our business model crashing, and the ensuing blog fodder from that experience meant we never went forward.

Oddly enough, though our business model was considered (by some) as "genius" at the time. It would now be considered felonious, because of the implementation of the Dodd-Frank Act in 2009. Everything has a purpose. And a season.

Polly and I were talking the other day and I said the biggest mistake I feel we made in our accidental business was not having a Plan B. Yes, we had an exit strategy. We just didn't have a secondary exit strategy. That's what we really needed. If nothing else, if I ever do anything along these lines again (IF) I will be wiser. And I will have a back up plan, a secondary back up plan and a tertiary back up plan.

Tuesday I take the school portion of my broker's test. It is five hours. It is broken down into two, 200 question tests that encompasses real estate law and real estate financing (not to be confused with the "owner financing" section I know with my eyes closed). Provided I pass, I will then, as some undisclosed date in time, take the state test, which is also comprised of two 200 question tests: a national portion and an Arizona specific portion.

What am I going to do with my new-found broker's license (provided I get that far)? I have no earthly clue. More or less, at this point I am just crossing it off my bucket list. I will then go on to my least-favorite activity this time of year: taxes. After taxes are done, maybe I will clean the house and move on with my life. But right now, that seems very far away.

My Short Fuse

Someone broke into my vacant home Sunday and stole the fuses. yep. The fuses. And--because nothing is ever simple or inexpensive--these are special fuses that can only be summoned by a Tibetan shaman who needs to sacrifice a black Nubian goat on a stone altar in the back yard of my home on the third full moon of the fourth month that ends with a G.

So yea, I'm sending out an electrician to replace some damn fuses. The best price I got was from a guy named Buster for about $150. For fuses. 

I am much more comfortable with Buster than I was with the other completely rational option I was considering: getting on an airplane, flying over there, renting a car, running into to Lowes, buying the fuses, screwing them into the fuse box and flying back--which was sounding like a completely reasonable course of action around 1 p.m. today. But that was before I found my new pal, Buster. 

And, lest you think $150 is ridiculous price to replace these stupid things (who, I ask you, steals fuses??), I found much higher prices. Including from Flunky, who's price was somewhere close to Rwanda's GNP. Is there any wonder I never use my property management company to fix the most basic of items? 

But the most irritating part of this entire ordeal isn't necessarily that I have to buy fuses. Instead, what annoys me the most is that I had to spend way too much time on finding the "best price" for fuse installation. Because there should never be a "best price" for this kind of nonsense. 

An Open Letter To The Bank Employees

Dear People Who Are Employed By the Bank,

It appears you are a bit upset with us. That is understandable. We have an obligation to pay and we aren't doing it. That has happened to me, and it frustrates me beyond belief too. Though I am the first to admit this isn't our finest hour, I am astonished that you--bank employees--are taking this way too personally. After all, if it wasn't for your policies, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Granted, we only have one other foreclosure to compare this experience to. It wasn't exactly a walk in the park, but for the most part, everyone Marty and I willingly spoke with during that experience was professional and kept it business-like. Granted, the folks from the call center in India who called me three times a day weren't as professional, but I give them a pass for two reasons: 1) I was usually a bitch if they interrupted something I was doing or when they got to the part of the phone call where they insisted they wanted me to state my social security number and 2) they aren't asset managers, but instead are sitting in some crowded room somewhere trying to collect on a debt.

Now then, you, People at the Bank, are a bit different. You have always treated this transaction as if it were an assault on your handicapped child. It is almost like Marty and I have personally offended you by defaulting on this loan. I have been asked by you folks, "Why would you do this when you have money?" Check my bank account. I don't have the money.

Oh wait! You did check my bank accounts. Several times, may I add. As you may remember, you asked for my bank accounts records many times after you called this loan due in September of 2014. At the time, we asked you to reconsider and cheerfully provided you with every piece of documentation you asked for in a timely manner. We did this repeatedly. Because you asked repeatedly. And what did you do? You asked for more.

Then you asked for obscure items, like access to my daughter's bank account information. At that point, we said no. Other people than us have bank accounts. You aren't asking for their accounts. And by the way, my daughter doesn't have a stellar bank balance either. You would have been disappointed. By the way, the reason our bank balances aren't anything to write home about is that we truly spent everything we could keeping this business afloat.

Essentially, the way we see it is simply: we wouldn't be in this situation had you not called the loan due for no reason. And, more importantly if you had worked with us when we were willing to work with you this would never had happened. So, cooperation a year ago--when I had a paying tenant in place--would have been a true win-win.

But when this started, that wasn't the only example of your unprofessionalism. Some "committee" you have, rejected five full-price offers in a short sale. You may also remember we asked for a deed in lieu of foreclosure, making sure we could speed the process up, and one of you--bank employees--even wrote me back and said, "to be honest, I don't know how to do that."

When we finally got a letter from your company's attorney, we called that attorney and pled our case: the bank, your client, called the loan due, if they hadn't, nothing would have changed and we would have been paying on time. Since then our long-term tenant moved out and we saw no reason to put money into the home to make it rent-ready, when this time last year, we were being repeatedly told the likelihood of modification was minimal.

We also explained to the attorney, that some committee at the bank agreed to a short sale. Then reneged. They then refused to do a deed in lieu because they "don't know how." And now here we are. Your attorney was baffled when she heard this. She asked if we were "sure" we understood correctly. Yes we were sure. And she was even more baffled when she found out we weren't making it up.

And then, there was silence. Every month or so, Marty would call and ask what was going on with the foreclosure. We would be told "we will call you soon." And then there was no call. Again. Finally after we informed you, bank employees, that we did not have the money to pay the property taxes, you became motivated.

After all of that nonsense, there has been a significant amount of silence from you folks. Having nothing better to do, and realizing there might be a chance of vandalism, squatters and who-knows-what-else going on Marty called you this week. And when you spoke to Marty, for whatever reason, you bank employees, were angry--as if we did this to you, not your organization. You snarkly threatened Marty with wage garnishment. You threatened to tack a lien on to another one of our properties. You said a lot of things, I double-dog-dare you to put in writing so that I may show my attorney. You even told us if we just, "gave you the keys" you could "save us some money." Are you kidding? Let's face it, I don't think there is any "saving us some money" at this point. Besides, we have been offering to give you keys for the past 10 months.

What would be ideal is you just hurry up the foreclosure process. Nail our credit and send us ugly letters. I know this isn't over. I am weirdly at peace about this. But for some reason, Bank Employees, your underwear is in bunches over our default. Let it go. We are.

Tenant Satisfaction Survey

So, one of the owners of the property management company I work for was having a tough day.

Tenant Satisfaction Survey

1. Is the rent too damn high? Y/N
2. Should the Management Company/Owner not expect the full rent on the 1st? Y/N
3. Do you find the ‘5-day notices to pay’ annoying? Y/N
4. Are you tired of paying management fees?      Y/N                                        
5. Should the owner be the one paying these fees? Y/N
6. Are you tired of being hounded by the HOA/City? Y/N
7. Should the Owner pay the fines due/assessments? Y/N
8. Is your ledger too hard to understand? Y/N
9. Should we be more apologetic to you when you are unable to schedule with a vendor? Y/N
10. Are we not meeting your every need? Y/N
11. Should the Accounting Department ‘cease and desist’ from demanding rent payments? Y/N

We take your satisfaction very seriously. Please feel free to add any comments below. Then, fold the paper into the shape of your favorite airplane and aim for the closest trash bin.

Sincerely,

Us

Just a "Misunderstanding"

Note: After further research, it turns out Gatling pled guilty after all. 

Former NBA player Chris Gatling accused of squatting

By Matt Moore | NBA writer

May 2, 2013 9:56 am ET

Former NBA player Chris Gatling has been accused by police of squatting in a Paradise Valley, Ariz., house and then trying to rent out the home that he was squatting in. From the Arizona Republic:

Chris Gatling is accused of breaking into a key box and living in the home from July 2010 to August 2011. A police report says the homeowners lived in California but had left the power on.

A local TV station reports that he later listed the four-bedroom house for rent for $800 and called it an “Ex-NBA” home online.

Court records say that Gatling got a down payment from one potential renter but that another got suspicious and contacted police.

Gatling's attorney, Michael Alarid, said the case is a “misunderstanding.”

Gatling made close to $30 million in his career, appearing with 13 teams over an 11-year period. He also once congratulated Shawn Kemp for dunking on him. Gatling last played in the NBA in 2001-02.

The accusations come less than a year after a documentary was released profiling the number and ways that professional athletes go bankrupt.

Where I Have Been

So, two years ago I put on the O'le Bucket List "getting my broker's license." And life got in the way. This past summer, despite getting debilitating sick, I interviewed at a few different brokerages just to find out the grass really wasn't much greener.

But the one major aspect I took with me from me shopping around for a different company, was simply: If I want to leave my brokerage I need to be my own boss. And, because I still own the name and rights to my now-defunct accidental business, it wouldn't be hard to start something up again. In fact, I checked with the Secretary of State's office. Yep, the name is mine for the taking, if I so desire.

Right now, I don't desire. But I may reserve "my name" again, just in case.

A few weeks ago, I decided to just bite the bullet and enter broker school. Getting one's broker's license is like a PhD in Real Estate. It is useful for a myriad of reasons, inducing being one's own boss--but you probably gathered that.

Broker School--which is nothing at all like being a broker--is like getting a PhD in Astrophysics crammed into three weeks. Well, it was three weeks, but after a lively round of food poisoning last week, I am now stretching it into four weeks. I go to school 10 hours a day. I am currently vitamin D deficient because I am not seeing daylight much, as I have been studying most every waking moment.

I finish classes now (thanks to a questionable chicken quesadilla) on Feb. 11. I take the school test shortly thereafter. If and when I pass the school test, I then have a bunch more hoops to jump through, including but not limited to, taking a state and federal test. I also have to turn in a criminal clearance card and turn in the broker recommendation letter to the Department of Real Estate. And oh yes, for the privilege of this process there are a lot of agencies who get a bunch of money from me.

Anyway, while all this is going on, I am still managing Alabama. Or, more like coaching Marty Sunshine to manage a few things. The rest of those action items are just on hold. But, more on that later. The true reason for this post is that I wanted to explain my absence to you three readers. And, I wanted to use my tried and true stress reliever--writing--before setting off to study all sorts of stuff that I swear has nothing to do with selling real estate.