HOA-SS

A long, long time ago we bought an investment home in the small bedroom community of Calera, nestled half way between Montgomery and Birmingham. To be fair, we bought two homes there. But the one in question is on Hysteria Lane--which is living up to its name.

Again.

For the past several years, this community existed quite nicely. I never had too much trouble keeping the place rented. I had a few weird experiences, like the time the tenant's kid thought he was sexting his girlfriend, but instead it was going to my Alabama phone line. And he didn't believe me at first when I said he was sending these solicitations to his mother's landlord. But, that was years past.

Anyway, apparently some homeowners in the vicinity got it in their heads that this neighborhood would be better served if it was under the guidance of a home owner's association. Because that is what makes the neighborhood valuable. Right? "Value" doesn't come from desirability and personal responsibility. Never! (By the way, my most "valuable" home in Alabama doesn't have an HOA.) Sadly, because I wasn't there, I didn't get to say, "NO!" I am stuck with an HOA. Albeit, a stupid HOA.

To be fair, the other house in Calera has had an HOA from day one (they have a community pool--which strikes me as a legitimate reason for an HOA), and all they do is ask me to pay their fees once a year and leave me alone. The HOA for Hysteria Lane has only been around since October and I am already sick of them.

The biggest issue I am having with them is that they keep telling me I have "weeds" in my yard. However, the four nasty-grams I have gotten from them are a bit nondescript when it comes to "weeds." I know for a fact, that one time when I got the compliance letter, the front yard was under four inches of snow,

This latest letter is threatening "Attorney Action" and is telling me once again, there are weeds. Now, you think I would employ a property management company to help me out with these kind of issues. Unfortunately, Flunky is my contact at the property management company for such things. And, he is a bit worthless. For one thing, he sent me pictures showing me how his yard company went out to the home and mowed it. Nope, not a weed. But I am not sure what they mowed, because the spring grass hasn't come in. Hopefully the tenant didn't pay dearly for that. However, another picture he sent me from that batch was of the tenant's junk lined up on the side of the home. The HOA isn't complaining about that. Yet. But I am. And I am sure the HOA will notice it soon.

When I discussed this matter via e-mail with Flunky yesterday, he said, "Is the HOA suggesting the tenant put down grass and maintain it, because I am not sure the tenants will agree to that." My reply was, "Then the tenant can move. Because if they can't afford a bag of grass seed, they certainly can't afford the rent."

When I called the HOA today I spoke with someone who swears she personally drives by and sees the weeds herself. I asked her how that was possible when one of the violation notices was on the day after the first snowfall of the year. She didn't have a reply. I then asked her if she could point out the weeds to the tenant, because we are all kind of befuddled. I also pointed out if they keep sending these nasty-grams, the tenant will move out. Nobody will want to rent the house and that won't help the value either.

I would like to say the conversation stayed professional. But my conscience is clear: I didn't start it. But I did ask if it was her company's policy to mimic the Third Reich, though I am pretty sure she didn't know what that meant.

Where it is left now is she is going to go by herself, take a picture of the weeds and send them to me so we can all verify there are such things growing in this yard. Meanwhile, I am going to e-mail Flunky and tell him to have the tenants move their crap from the side yard before the HOA-SS shows up.