Negotiating a Win-Win Scenario

Shannon

I forgot to mention the part of Shannon's e-mail that made me roll my eyes 180 degrees. He told me to give him my mortgage balances so he would "know how much to offer" for my homes.

Here's an idea Shannon, offer what you want to offer and see what I say. That would be more in line with the "win-win" don't you think?

I Think I'm Qualified to Deal With the Unpredictable

So last week I got an e-mail from someone named Shannon. Turns out Shannon is a dude, by the way. Anyway, Shannon wrote me, said he got my e-mail address from some former employee (but didn't say who) and that he heard I wanted to sell my properties. Anyway, he was checking in to tell me he would love to take a few houses off my hands.

I immediately replied, cc'ing Kirby, and saying, "Talk to the guy who represents me." Kirby in turn told me later what their game plan just happens to be. I am quite familiar with what they do, because I have talked to several people over the years who have actually been to the seminars put on by "successful investors" who are told to do the exact same thing. The very first part of the seminar happens to be that the attendee has to make 100 hand-written signs and place them all over town with phrases like, "I buy homes for cash. Any condition." I feel like I have talked several folks out of going down this path of investing, but apparently, I didn't happen to reach Shannon.

Anyway, what Shannon is planning to do is lease my home from me, find a tenant and just pay my mortgage. He would get any residual money from the transaction. Why would I do this when I can just rent out my own homes? I am not sure.

His other suggestion was for me to carry the mortgage on these properties, transfer title to his name, and once again he would just pay my expenses and take what is left for himself. If the house burned down, if the tenant ran a meth lab or any numerous scenarios I may have written about in the past eight years happened, it would be my ass on the line, not Shannon's. I am very familiar with this last scenario, because I did an unsuccessful micro-version of this and ended up will all my homes back at the end of the day. However, this was before the Dodd-Frank Act which makes such a thing on a grand scale illegal.

When Kirby told me Shannon's grand plan, we both had a great chuckle. Nope. I wasn't interested. But Shannon wasn't to be deterred. He had Michael, his "aquisistionist" (Kirby said, "is  aquisistionist even a word??") send me an e-mail--completely bypassing Kirby-- saying "When are we doing this? Sign here."

I responded kindly saying I was only interested in a straight sale, one where title was transferred and I would no longer be involved for any reason. I wasn't interested in lease purchases. I wasn't interested in carrying a mortgage. But if they wanted to make an offer on a property, I would consider it. Otherwise, please have a nice day.

One would think that would be enough, but instead Shannon sent me a condescending e-mail full of grammatical errors and misspellings. Mind you, he didn't send it to Kirby, MY AGENT. Just to me. Shannon said that I "obviously didn't understand their business model," because otherwise I would be absolutely excited to jump at his generous offer. Keep in mind, both of his offers were for me to just give him the houses and keep the liability.

Shannon also said he is the only person in Birmingham who can structure this deal and it would be--I'm not making this up--a win-win for both of us. He also went on to tell me of all the ugly things that would happen to me if I didn't give him my homes, including (but not limited to): me having to take care of these homes, deal with tenants, pay taxes, pay homeowner's insurance and--again, I am not making this up--I would be forced to "deal with the unpredictable."

Oh no. Not that.

Marty Sunshine read the e-mail over my shoulder and said, "He thinks he is negotiating."

I replied, "He thinks I am two degrees shy of stupid."

I forwarded the e-mail to Kirby. We both had a great laugh at Shannon's expense. When Kirby replied he said, "Oh boy. I didn’t know that he was the only one that can structure those kind of deals. I need to hook up with him so that I can learn how to do them." 

Yea. Me too. 

What Went Right (the Big Picture)

I tend to write more about what goes wrong in our accidental business because, let's face it, it is less boring. But today I wanted to take a moment to discuss what went right.

1. I surrounded myself with quality people. It took a while, but I could see positive changes when I did so. For example, I had the wrong real estate agent for a long time. I wanted to be loyal, because she was loyal to me. But I realized at one point she wasn't a good fit. So, I found someone who was: Jack. Jack was a great fit at the time for many reasons. First, he understood investing the way the Rajun Cajun never did or would. Second, he set boundaries with me I didn't even know I needed. I appreciate all the Rajun Cajun did to help me (and she was paid for her assistance), but I would have handled those chores myself or found people who could help me if Jack hadn't told me upfront what his expectations were.

1.1 I also found someone who would help with the daily boots on the ground kind of work. I owe a great deal of gratitude to Carolsue for this. Thank you my friend.

2. I (finally) hired a property management company. In all fairness, when the market changed in 2008 and I saw that our business model was changing to rentals instead of to a REIT, I fought for a property management company. Mr. Ex-Partner didn't want to spend the money on having someone else manage our homes, after all, he had me. Marty--and I am not being unkind, just stating the facts--didn't realize how stressful managing a gazillion homes was on me and the toll it was taking on my health. After a surgery in 2009 to fix something in me that was caused by stress, he started to come around. But if the truth be told, I just went out and got a property management company. When I did it, I didn't ask permission. Nor am I sorry.

3. I figured out what good tenants looked like. Granted, this was a direct correlation from experiencing bad tenants. But once I got rid of the Waywards, Mrs. 508s and Mr. Smiths of the world, I became more selective. Carolsue's input was invaluable. Though I didn't always listen to her, she was right about folks more often than not. Please understand, there is a huge difference between "bad tenant" and "obnoxious tenant." I had several obnoxious tenants you are more than welcome to read about in the archives of this ole' blog. But obnoxious people having personal problems that trickle down to their landlord is very different than just downright bad people renting my homes.

4. I knew when to get out. However, I couldn't convince our three partners (Marty and the Ex-Partners) I was right. I take a smug satisfactions in knowing this. But an, "I told you so!" doesn't get me anywhere.

5. We started buying homes in the right neighborhoods. If I had to do it all again, I can think of four properties Rajun Cajun advised us about and encouraged us to buy that I wouldn't touch again. The "right homes" we bought were always winners. The "wrong homes" we bought were always losers.

6. The education I got from this experience is invaluable. It is also intrinsic. There is no way to cover all I have learned, such as conducting business in the South--another culture--managing a company, forecasting, talking with investors, lawyers and banks, and lots of other things my college degree touched but didn't really do justice. I remember meeting with a group of investors, me the Yankee, them the Southern boys. I felt awkward and inadequate stumbling through my presentation (that I had practiced for weeks leading up to that moment). When I was done, I answered questions and got the approval and agreement for funding I was looking for. I was floored. I had taken a big step in growing our business. Of course, this was late 2007/early 2008, so the rest didn't go the way I hoped, but I wouldn't be afraid to do that kind of thing again if I had to.

7. Speaking of not being afraid, I would start another business. I would invest again and probably will in the future. Next time I hope what I have gained from this experience has a better outcome.

Lessons Learned

I have spent a lot of time thinking of what we did right and wrong in our accidental business. I have been doing this because, right now, I have a lot of time to think. There are many mistakes, that if I could take back, probably would still lead me to this moment in time. I am finally at peace that I have done all I could. Of course, if we hadn't invested in Alabama in the first place... No. If I had continued to invest in Arizona real estate, I believe I would have had the same outcome--but maybe with twice the work because I never would have been able to hire a property management company to run things.

That said, this post is not about what I did, or did not do, right or wrong. But what happened outside of my scope of influence. I realize I bought the houses, picked the tenants and managed everything. That's on me. And if I ever take on something like this again, I promise I have a better understanding of what to do. But before I invest again, perhaps I will get a time machine and see what the world looks like 10+ years from now.

We invested in homes in Alabama starting in 2003 for two reasons. First, there was a significant shortage of rental homes in the Birmingham area and an overflow of eligible renters. When I realized this, it blew me away. In fact, one time I advertised for renters in the Birmingham Sunday paper--before buying the house--and the Rajun Cajun called me at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning and told me her voice mail box was full of expectant tenants and exactly what was my plan here? Because I had a Phoenix mentality, I figured I would get one or two potential renters by advertising in the paper, let them find the house I could buy and be on my merry way. I ended up buying eight homes within a six month period. All based on one Sunday ad.

The other reason we invested in Alabama was that we could buy a rental home in the Phoenix metro area at the time for $200,000 and rent it out for $800 a month. We bought our first home (the one in Leeds) for $75,000 and rented it out for $950. So, it made sense in 2004 to 2006 to sell my Arizona homes and invest in Birmingham. Because money was cheap to come by, we didn't pay cash for our homes, but financed them. That gave us the buying power to pick up a gazillion properties all at once. After all, the market was booming. Prices would go up, right?

It wasn't just that we had illusions of grandeur. The banks believed in us. The tenants believed in us. Investors--I mean big money investors with millions to spend--believed in us. Even the SEC attorneys I visited in early 2008 thought our business model was spot on. By then we had four years of success. Our financial statements rocked. Our bank accounts looked great.

However, there were a couple of items that changed the landscape in Birmingham. The first one was the wave of hurricanes that blew through the South (that's for you, Alec). There was Charlie. Wilma. Irving. Katrina. All of these brought in the displaced to Birmingham, a land-locked city. At the time, there was work in Birmingham. Savvy investors, realizing these folks were desperate for a place to live, were buying up homes everywhere, even in the questionable parts of town.

Also, around this time the economy was on a spiral into the abyss. People who had less capital than I started loosing their homes. And what did the investors do? They bought smart. The same home I may have paid $130,000 for was for sale on each side of my rental for $30,000. When the investors purchased these properties, they were asking $600/month for rent. I was asking--and needing--$1,000.

Then when the economy tanked, Birmingham was hit hard. One of the main employers in the area, the iron industry, closed down. This affected the Honda and Mercedes plant, which also drew in a lot of workers into the area. Government programs, such as Section 8 housing, came to the rescue. Most people who rent in Jefferson County right now are on Section 8 vouchers. It is the culture in Birmingham. Last I looked, Birmingham had more than double-digit unemployment, with a good portion of its citizens just living off the dole.

And because a good chunk of the population cannot find jobs (or want to find jobs), what happened to the tax base in Jefferson County? I am so glad you asked. Regular resources such as fire, schools, police and the like have been seriously hurt. Those who can are moving to the suburbs. I have homes in the suburbs too. Those who live in the suburbs weren't immune to the failing quality of life. They just cared more and want better schools for their kids. I had a long-time renter who had worked in management for the same grocery chain for 20+ years. He, his wife and two kids lived in one of our priciest homes. When the grocery chain closed down, he was out of work. They left to live with family, giving me an empty home that cost more than most of my other properties. The house is nice, but it was still hit by the down market.

And remember how all those investors were scooping up homes for the displaced in the questionable parts of town? They lost those properties too. And then those neighborhoods became ghettos. Here is a home currently for sale. It is priced high for this neighborhood. Last time I was in Birmingham, I saw multiple homes with plywood across where the windows used to be with spray painted "For Sale: $,2000 OBO As-Is"). No, that price is not missing a zero or two. Essentially, Birmingham is becoming the next Detroit. There are currently more than 2,000 homes slated for destruction because the city has condemned them. However, the city only levels about 10 houses a year. They don't have the resources.

Knowing what I know now, I would like to think I could have predicted better. But probably not.

Bending Water

I will spare you all the details about how insufferable Mitch and Tanya's tenants happen to be. Except, for this tidbit.

Apparently Mike was unhappy the other day. You see the sprinklers in front of their townhome--on common ground, that is not owed by Mitch and Tanya--were going off "for a long time." Mike's solution as the dutiful tenant was to bitterly complain to their landlords, expecting them to single-handedly stop everything they are doing and force the sprinkler to stop. I guess.

Now please understand, there is grass outside. It needs to be watered. It is watered on a daily basis. But for some reason, this and only this sprinkler's timer apparently malfunctioned, though every other sprinkler on this watering system works just fine. A fluke of nature or a botched terrorism attempt perhaps? Either way, there seems to be some conspiracy against these tenants to make their lives a living hell.

Sadly, poor Tanya was stuck with the unfortunate task of having to discuss the entire Sprinkler Fiasco of 2016 Mike the Bombastic Jerk (that is his given Christian name I am sure). His complaint was water from the sprinkler is coming through into their garage and Mike, if he were to go near the water might--and I am not making this up--"get wet." Though, I have to tell you, I have no idea how this is even possible. In this case, you see, the sprinkler is at point Q. The garage is at point X. Unless there is some significant wind coming from the Southwest that can magically make water go around the side of a building, I am not sure how to even compute this as a reality. Never mind the fact that the garage door is closed, sealed and water has never in the past managed to rush into the garage when the sprinklers went off.

My true advice to Mitch and Tanya was to give him the number of the management company that handles the yard maintenance. Let the tenants deal with it and make themselves a nuisance to some naive administrative assistant who will answer Mike's phone calls. I also suggested to Mitch and Tanya they are at a point where everything from these yahoo tenants should come as written communication because Mike and Pam seem to be looking for a reason to break their lease.

Our New Reality

Closing our accidental business is a relief yet to come. Frankly, the process just downright sucks. It isn't the emotional aspect of the entire thing. Because, I can honestly say, I am totally over Alabama. There are no more tears.

What does get to me is the actual day to day garbage that is a result of closing our accidental business. When you spiral from 800+ to a negative FICO score in the course of a few months, life changes. It isn't that we need credit right now, because that isn't an issue. But we have a lot more hassles in our life and a lot less freedom that comes with garbage credit.

For example. I need to book a hotel room in advance for a place far away. In the past, I would have used a credit card. Unfortunately Visa/Master Card/American Express now feel I cannot be trusted with a credit card (even though my now-former card had no balance on it before they took it away). Instead, I will have to use a debit card and have the hotel company hold a portion of my checking account hostage.

There are lots of stories in my life like this now. It is a new part of our life. I understand that. I am not big on change. Nor am I big on jumping through hoops. However, both are the new reality for us.

The Renters From Yuma

I know you three have read versions of this in my archives, but apparently everyone didn't get the memo of how to be a good tenant. After a lovely talk with Tonya yesterday (of Mitch and Tonya, the wonderful landlords and even more awesome friends, whom have made this blog a time or two), I was blessed with this particular blog fodder.

Mitch and Tonya have the Renters from Yuma. Yes, Yuma. It is South of here and often has the hottest temperatures in the US, when Death Valley, CA and Gila Bend, AZ want a reprieve from this particular title. Their tenants are a retired couple who apparently think Mitch and Tonya are offering concierge service. The home in question is a townhome, with a two car garage and unassigned community parking spots on the street.

And may I remind you, in the Phoenix metro area, rental homes are in such hot demand that even if you have 700+ credit, a job making $100k+, a squeaky clean background and own a lawn mower, you aren't necessarily going to get the rental home you put an application in on. Why? Because there are five applicants with the above credentials all competing for the same home.

But Pam and Mike don't seem to appreciate the fact they have a place to live. For example, they have a slight annoyance that is out of their landlord's scope of influence. Normally, sane people would just solve this issue themselves or learn to live with something that truly isn't any of their business.

In the case of Pam and Mike, there is a car parked in front of their home in the community parking area. It isn't doing anything. Nobody knows if it is abandoned (even Pam and Mike). But it bothers Pam because she has to--and I am not making this up--"look at it." It bothers her so much that she told her cousin (who is the one who referred Pam to me) and asked me to do something about it. I relayed, "Call the City and report it if it is a big deal." But nobody listened to me.

What did Pam do? She whined to Tonya. The car was parked in a legal parking space. Though it doesn't appear to be abandoned, it has been parked there more or less for weeks. Nobody knows if it is someone who works nights, and sleeps days who may come and go when Pam isn't paying attention. Nobody knows if there is a dead body in the car. It is just a car in a legal spot--just like lots of other cars parked in legal spots throughout that particular community that aren't in Pam's line of sight.

Apparently Pam wants Mitch and Tonya to wave their magic landlord wand and make it disappear. Mitch did contact the homeowner's association and mention it. What did he get for his efforts? Another bitchy note from Pam, stating the car is still there.

Additionally, Pam and Mike don't seem to understand renting isn't permanent. It is for right now, not forever. Mitch and Tonya have a really nice rental home. They have taken care of it. Between tenants they have replaced all sorts of things, like the pottys. They have repainted. They have even--and this blows me away--epoxied the garage floor. After the tenants moved in, Mitch and Tonya even bought a new dryer for these two.

When Mitch and Tonya went to visit recently (mind you, they live out of state), Mike and Pam drug Mitch and Tonya through the house pointing out all of the issues with the home. It needed touch up paint (it didn't when they moved in). The (brand new) pottys are "garbage" and need to be replaced. The new dryer makes it hard to close the laundry room door and by the way, the washer is "old."

And oh yes! The room Mike and Pam WANT to sleep in is "too hot." By the way, this is not the master bedroom. Just a random bedroom in the home that happens to be west-facing and upstairs. The master bedroom is downstairs and not too hot. And just so we are clear, Pam and Mike knew exactly where the master bedroom was and which bedrooms faced the west prior to them moving in. But as far as these tenants are concerned Mitch and Tonya need to adjust the position of the sun for the sole purpose of their tenant's comfort.

If Pam and Mike are unhappy, they have another nine months on their lease. Perhaps they can either 1) break the lease and find another place they will like even less three months into their next lease or 2) buy a home where they have nobody to whine to but themselves. If they decide to break their lease, there isn't a landlord alive who will rent to them in this market. Landlords don't have to rent to tenants who have already stuck it to another owner. There are enough applicants out there who do honor them wanting homes. And, if they decide to buy, good luck to the real estate agent who wants to deal with them. I suspect they will also be the Buyers from Yuma.

The Great Leeds Inferno

So, Carolsue sends me an e-mail link yesterday to a wildfire burning out of control in Alabama. She wrote, "Is this close to your home in Leeds?"

Nope. I don't have a home in Leeds.

Let's hope Mr. Ex-Partner has fire insurance.




I did just check, the fire is now contained. It did not burn any structures. And it would have had to go about a mile South and passed through several neighborhoods prior to getting my now-former home. 

Ok, I'm A Little Crazy

Mr. Ex-Partner e-mailed me today. He wanted Legal Owl's information. He did not ask for an introduction. I did not offer one either.

Though this may seem mundane, I have to tell you, it is about once a week Mr. Ex-Partner asks me for something I have already given him. In this case, I knew darn well he had Legal Owl's information. I know he has e-mailed her last summer (because he cc'd me). And I legitimately believe he doesn't realize he has this information.

He also doesn't believe he has the financials for the first and second quarter of 2015. He does--and so does his accountant because he filed his 2015 taxes earlier this year. He misplaced Mario's phone number at one point--though he e-mailed me for it, and cc'd Mario. I am sure if he just Googled Mario's name or company he could have found it quicker. And the list goes on. Even with my zen filing methods I am better organized than this.

Sometimes when he sends me an e-mail asking for what I know I have given him I just reforward the last e-mail with the information once again. At first, he was humble and contrite, thanking me and acknowledging that he probably should have looked on his own. Lately however, he doesn't respond. Which is ok. I don't take it personally. It gives me blog fodder, no matter how mundane.

When I was writing our dissolution agreement, Mr. Ex Partner wanted me to put in the document about how I would be of "assistance" to the Ex-Partners in perpetuity. I promise, that clause isn't in there because I am not crazy.

Lost

We are in the process of shutting down our accidental business. I am told this entire ordeal could take as long as six more years to complete or as little as we could be done by the end of 2017 (but no sooner than then).

Closing down a business is not just as simple as hanging up a "gone fishing" sign and locking the door. For one thing, the IRS wants to be involved. And so does the state of Alabama. The State of Arizona has already been involved--and they drove me nuts. There are lots of items that need some attention, but not the kind of laser-focus I have had to give to everything prior.

Then there is letting all of the homes go. Right now we have a house for sale. As they empty we sell.

There is also the emotional aspect of releasing all I have done for the past 14 years. Coupling this with not home schooling and the fact I am not currently working (another story) and I am struggling to find my place in all this. I am lost.

Last summer Bliz asked me what I was going to do with all my spare time. The truth is, her question scared me. I still don't know.

Random Bama

We have an offer on our Grayson Valley home. Currently, we are in the inspection phase, which is when these folks usually walk. Generally they find some minor infraction, like the floors aren't wood. Or it needs a stove (thank you stupid former tenant for taking the stove). Mind you, they are getting an investor price on this house. I am not fixing it up and selling it for retail.

Lest you think I'm being cynical, this this has  been what has happened at the last two times I have tried to sell a home over there. The one I had for sale this summer had an offer and the folks backed out because (at $98k--another investor price) it didn't have granite counter tops.

________________________________________

This past week I got the tax bills for the homes in Birmingham. It is with my greatest pleasure I can send these directly over to Mr. Ex-Partner. Every year he has bitched and moaned about how we ask for money to pay the taxes. I want to say, "I told you so." But frankly, I have been kind of saying this in my head since July.

________________________________________

Yesterday I got a text from a former tenant in Birmingham. It went to me directly, not a group of people. All it said was, "Roll Tide."

When *!@$*&^ Just Doesn't Seem to Cover It

In Other News...

I heard from Polly's history teacher this week. Polly, in a moment of adolescent frustration, said to her teacher, "bless your heart."

It turns out Polly's teacher was born and raised in the South and knew exactly what Polly meant.

There's A Hole In The Hot Water Heater, Dear Flunky, A Hole

Backstory: Yesterday I got a note from Kirby, my HVAC guy, former property manager and real estate agent (and mind you, one of the few people in Birmingham who is not allergic to work). Anyhoo... he heard from Flunky the Asshat--the maintenance manager of MY CURRENT property management company. Flunky didn't call me. He called Kirby.

It appears there is some sort of water issue at the Waterford home and Flunky, the genius he is, sends an HVAC guy out to see why--and I am not making this up--water is leaking from the hot water heater. To be fair, I am no rocket scientist, but I can pretty much guarantee if I hear water is leaking from the hot water heater the person I would contact (after telling the owner) would be a plumber. But that's just me. Apparently Flunky understands the subtle nuances of property management maintenance about this better than I do. Why else would he send an air conditioner repair person out to fix a hot water heater?

Kirby, bless him, wrote a very nice e-mail to both Flunky and myself saying that he concurs with the tenant: it appears in his professional estimation the issue is with the hot water heater. And because he is a gentleman, he thanked Flunky for the opportunity to help, but in this case this issue is just not in the scope of what he does for a living, so he will have to pass.

And Flunky? What did he do? Flunky followed up with me in a short, yet terse, e-mail and said if there was something I needed, to let him know. Yeppers. There was no, "I will call a plumber immediately and get this fixed," or anything of that nature. Nope. Nothing. The the rest of the correspondence with Flunky went something like this.

At any rate, in the end, I sent I highly-edited e-mail to Flunky asking him (after an insane back and forth) to please call a plumber. Because it appeared Flunky just wasn't going to think of this all by himself.

When "Bless Your Heart" Just Doesn't Cover It

So the house in Grayson Valley was vacated by now-former tenants with anger issues. The way the law works is the property management, on the day they find out the tenants have moved, are to put a abandonment notice on the door. After that time, the home is mine. I am still waiting for that notice, but it hasn't come. I gave up and decided to roll the dice and see if the tenants will sue me instead.

Last Wednesday, I had the place cleaned out, the lawn mowed and took the house out of management. I wrote Luigi and Flunky, stating now that they have professionally taken care of the abandonment notice, I was pulling the home out of management and was going to sell it. Kirby would be by to pick up the keys. Luigi, who is apparently clueless to what his employees are doing, didn't see the dripping sarcasm. Flunky the Asshat didn't bother to answer.

Over the weekend Kirby showed up at the Grayson Valley home to assess what it would take to sell the place. He told me the locks have now been changed and there is a lock box on the door. Seriously? The property management company couldn't  be bothered for six weeks to check on this house to verify the status of the tenants, but they can--right after I take the house out of management, mind you--hop on over and change the locks.

Yesterday I sent a note to Flunky, reminding him that his company doesn't manage this home anymore, there is no reason to have the keys changed and a lock box, and by the way, what is the combination so Kirby can get in the house?

And what did Flunky do? He wrote me (and cc'd Kirby, my real estate agent) the following e-mail:

Please have your handyman return the lockbox to our office.

Yep, he wrote that. He expects my "handyman" to just jump on this, drive over to my house, take the lock box off and then drive 30 miles to their office and hand over a $20 piece of hardware.

It took every ounce of self control I had not to contact Flunky and tell him what I thought of his solution.

Instead, I wrote Kirby. I said, as my real estate agent, he was bound by fiduciary law to obey all relevant and reasonable requests I give. In this case, he was not, under any circumstances, to touch that lock box. If the property management company wants it, they can go pick it up. I also said a lot of things I thought about Flunky the Asshat, all of which Kirby had heard before and also knew to be true.

Kirby wrote me back with simply, "No worries, your handyman won't touch it either."

Vermin

So, the house in Grayson Valley came vacant. The super-classy tenants just took off one day and left half of their crap behind. When the house came vacant, I decided to sell it if I can. Our business is changing and hanging on to homes is not where I see my immediate future. So, Kirby went over. He also took one look at the place, shook his head and quickly backed out the door.

The tenants left a good portion of their worldly belongings--which will hopefully go to good use for someone. But not the turtle in the garage. Sadly, with the Alabama heat and humidity, and being trapped in a cage for six weeks, the poor thing just didn't make it. But sadly, that wasn't the only critters to be found.

According to Baseball Guy, he found a snake skin in the attic. I was preferring to think of it as someone's fishnet stocking, and probably would have gone along thinking that, if Carolsue hadn't found "evidence of snakes" in the garage. There was also "evidence" of other critters too, such as rats.

In addition to the critters, the former tenant (who happens to be an NFL player), bashed in the master bedroom door and the door frame is in splinters. In my experience, when I see door jambs in splinters like this, I think of domestic violence. That could not have been a happy home. But it looks like the worst of the vermin have left.

And When I Say...

I have hired the "best property management company in Birmingham," you know that's tongue and cheek? Right? Well, partially.

Actually, Luigi's company, when I first started working with them WERE the best property management company I could find. Actually, Kirby's company was the best, but he wisely bailed, because property management sucks. I know this first-hand. I also know what it takes to manage rental homes. I do this for a living. And before I went to work for a property management company, I managed these gazillion homes. I gave them to Kirby.

Over the course of the life of this accidental business, I have hired, and fired, several property management companies. In one case, the Alabama Attorney General got involved. I have also personally interviewed the majority of the other property management companies in Birmingham. All were pleased to see me, as I had a nice, fat book of business to offer them. But when all is said in done, none of them did business the way I did business.

Most of the property management companies I spoke with made it a policy--and they did this without blinking--to just hand the keys to a home to prospective tenants, let them see the place and then trust them to lock everything up, not steal the copper, appliances or vandalize and bring the keys back. If you want to take a moment to read that again, I understand. Take your time. It blows my mind too. Anyway, I didn't hire those companies.

Mario's property management company wasn't too bad, except they were expensive and they expected me to spend lots of time on the computer watching videos of how they operated and required me to get questions answered by logging into a portal that needed some sort of wonky password I could never remember. Usually my questions could not be answered by a computer anyway, so I still had to hunt someone down, explain to them I already looked on their FAQ list (which I probably didn't) and then just say, "While we are on the phone anyway, why not just answer my question." Mario and I also got off to a really bad start. We are ok now, but I haven't forgotten that the first time I gave him direction, he said, "Why don't you go ask your husband what you should do and call me back." I would be willing to bet he hasn't forgotten the earful he got for that one.

When I hired Luigi's company, I specifically asked Luigi many questions. I wanted to make sure we were on the same wavelength and we conducted business the same way.  I was prepared to manage these properties myself with Carolsue's help if I didn't find a company I liked. I had done it before, I could do it again. He successfully passed muster. I gave him everything I had except Ms. Angie's home and Mrs. Sherwood's home.

Cruella Deville 

Since those days, Luigi's company is not what it used to be. I believe they have had growing pains as they have expanded and branched out. That always comes with awkward changes. Luigi gave the day to day tasks to a variety of folks who have come and gone. Ms. Amy seems to be the only constant. And, I am not a fan of her. Additionally, Flunky is also now more involved in the owner relations end of Luigi's business. Frankly, Luigi might have been better off hiring Cruella Deville instead. She is more pleasant.

At this point, I am kind of resigned. Our business is going through its own changes. I am keeping Luigi's company for now. It seems easier than spending the time, energy and effort to train a new property manager that I will probably like even less. Besides, I have a system in place if I need something from Luigi's company. I just e-mail Luigi. He then forwards the message to the appropriate party. He always cc's me, with a gentle reminder that I should go to the right person to get what I need done. I guess what he doesn't realize, is that he is the "right" person.

The Answer Is Probably No

It may sound uncharitable, but I immensely dislike Flunky the Asshat. I am doing my best to hide my true feelings when I talk with him, but he doesn't make it easy. For example, the folks in Fultondale have some sort of dishwasher issue.

On July 27, 2016 Flunky sent me an e-mail asking what should he do?

I immediately wrote him back and said, "We can resolve this in a five minute phone call. Please call me when you have a moment." Experience tells me an e-mail exchange will take a week and he won't answer my questions: are the folks up to date on the rent, what exactly is wrong with the dishwasher and how expensive is this fix? As soon as he calls me, he will know my answer.

On Sunday, September 4, 2016 I got my first response from Flunky about this matter. He said: "Sorry that I have not been able to call you about this. Please let me know if you will replace the dishwasher."

As soon as he calls me, he will know my answer.

#TeamTrashed Won

Turns out my home that the former NFL football player left is more in shambles than I hoped. I don't have the money to fix this place up and sell it. Yes, yes. I know. I can sue. I don't really have the money for that either.

And by the way, the reason I know this isn't because Flunky the Asshat promptly ran over and told me. It is because Kirby swung by and took a gander. He also took several pictures. If you are in the neighborhood, he left some pretty sweet stuff behind.

I hate people today.

It Means SHE DOESN'T LIVE THERE ANY MORE

There are things which are morbidly funny to me. I have a warped sense of humor--especially for the irreverent. I have not stopped chuckling since Mrs. Roebuck and I spoke earlier this week. For those of you unfamiliar with the ongoing saga of Mr. Ex-Partner and Mrs. Roebuck, you can read about it here and here. It will save me the twelve paragraphs of backstory. I promise you, it is worth it.

I can wait. Take your time...

Ok, for those of you who detest clicking on other links, the simplified backstory goes like this: for years, the Ex-Partners and the Sunshines had a hard-to-rent home in a questionable neighborhood. We all agreed to let Mrs. Roebuck live there for some shamelessly low rental rate. She could afford as much as she was paying and she took care of the property, which is more than we can say for some of the previous tenants. Four days after Mr. Ex-Partner started managing his own properties, he and Mrs. Roebuck came to blows with Mrs. Roebuck summarily moving out. Mr. Ex-Partner came to me and said, "Why would she leave???"

She left because he was rude, uncharitable and obnoxious. Perhaps not in that order--but I wasn't there. My answer was simply, "I don't know, why don't you call her?"

What made me laugh so hard (and I still am) is that last week Mr. Ex-Partner e-mailed Mrs. Roebuck and said something along the lines of, "For a $50 increase in the rent you were once paying, I will let you move back in. What do you think?"

Mrs. Roebuck didn't think much of it. She has already moved. She has a new place to live. She has paid movers, utility companies and all other subsequent fees which come with a life transition. She has changed her mail. She has changed her insurance. But because he asked, she said if he paid all of the necessary costs to move once again, she would consider it. As of this writing, she hadn't heard back if he would play.

However, he did send another note to her, completely bypassing her answer and suggesting if she took care of a simple maintenance issue or two at her former home, he would trade that for one month's rent.

"What rent?" was her response. Mrs. Roebuck then reiterated. She doesn't live there any more and their relationship is over. Apparently he still isn't fully comprehending what "moving out" means.

#TeamSell

Lately every decision made in the ole' accidental business seems to be made by committee. I was grumbling to Marty Sunshine about this today. I want to sell my now-vacant home. Can I?

I sent out feelers to the Arizona lawyer for her opinion. I then sent out a note to Diamond Jim. Would it be ok to sell? Or would it be a huge tax consequence? Then I contacted Kirby and asked him for his counsel.

Marty Sunshine says this is why we hired these folks--to protect us. To me, it just takes longer and usually has the same result as if we had made the decisions ourselves.

For the record, Diamond Jim, Marty and I want to sell. Kirby is all for that, but then again he benefits if it sells. The tie-breaker is the attorney. She gets five votes.

Things that Make My Eye Twitch

It isn't that I expected more from the guy renting my Grayson Valley home, but he could have--I don't know--given notice before skipping out. But I expect that of anyone renting.  Then again, the people in the South are big on boasting to everyone about how great their manners are--even though most of them have never uttered "please" and "thank you" unless their mother was standing over them.

It isn't that I expected more from the "best property management company" in Birmingham (they are the best--if that tells you something) but I am not quite sure why Flunky, et. al., couldn't be bothered to investigate why rent wasn't coming in sooner and not wait until I had to light a fire under their collective asses.

When Flunky e-mailed me today and announced, "Rent is late," I asked if he had bothered to contact the tenants. "We have been trying," was his super-professional response. When I asked if anyone had bothered to go out to the property, he didn't respond. Later he e-mailed me and said Mr. Former Tenant texted him back. Guess what?! They moved about six weeks ago.

Our Own National Holiday

The Most Charming Little Town in America

As you three readers may be aware, August 24 is a special holiday around these parts. It is the birthday of my dear friend and bookkeeper Bliz.

Happy Birthday!

Bliz and I have been friends since our hair was its natural color. We have laughed together, cried together and have even gone on some fabulous trips through various corners of the United States together. Not only that, she willingly holds my hand during take-off and landings when we travel (because I am not a good airline passenger). And--to tell you what a great friend she truly is--she patiently waited, without one complaint, while I played street chess with an Israeli-Spaniard named Levi last year when we went to New England.

In the time I have known her, Bliz has introduced me to Imagine Dragons, eye liner and amaretto sours. She keeps me laughing and offers sage advice when I am at my lowest. I have never known someone so thoughtful, patient and caring as Bliz. Ever. I honestly don't think I would have survived this accidental business without her.

Bliz, Congratulations on your recent trip around the sun. Here's to many more.

S--

Rejected

Well now, I thought we were done. I turned in the former LLC's dissolution form to the Arizona Secretary of State's office back in June. And wouldn't you know it? They sent it back with the word, "Rejected" on it. That hardly seems fair. I am done. Done with partnerships. Done with LLCs, and yet the Arizona Secretary of State's office feels otherwise.

In their pre-printed letter, they said--and I am not making this up: "The document must be signed by a member of the LLC." Frankly, I thought I might actually be qualified under their definition. In fact, I am pretty sure I have the Articles of Organization to show I was not only a member, but the Managing Member. You would think that would give me some street cred, but nope. Not with a government bureaucracy.

Today I spent 29 minutes and 42 seconds on hold to ask someone in the Arizona Secretary of State's office what exactly they mean by rejecting this dissolution. Perhaps they simply didn't understand what "dissolution" meant?

The very nice lady on the phone looked up my file. She then told me I have to check some box in the corner of this document that says I am a member of this LLC and just re-send it. I don't need to provide a photo ID. I don't need to give them a blood sample. By checking the box, they will just take my word for it. When I asked her exactly why was the box on the form to begin with, as there is some sort of verbiage that says, "By signing this document you ensure you are a member of this LLC," she didn't have an answer. No matter. As soon as I get those documents to the Arizona Secretary of State's office, we will then be done. I hope.

Speaking of Property Management

Legal Owl sent me an e-mail this morning. She has a client who is looking for a good property management company. Who could I recommend? I am wondering which one of us is supposed to charge the other $200 an hour for this information.

We Assume This Means We Are Keeping Buckaroo, Too

You may remember, this past week I wrote about the bank that called our second mortgage due and refused to work with us? Months ago they threatened all sorts of shenanigans, including a wage garnishment and selling my first born for slave labor if we didn't play by their rules. And oh yes. They would be foreclosing.

Two events happened this week that kind of threw us for a loop. First, we received a letter from some law firm in Birmingham offering to do a deed in lieu of foreclosure. All they needed was "our cooperation," but didn't elaborate. However, they are asking us to sign a deed in lieu of foreclosure. For those of you who aren't familiar with a deed in lieu, it means the bank gets the house back and we walk away with only our credit destroyed. No liens. No garnishments. No take-backs. And, I even get to keep Polly, which works for me.

Once we received the letter, we scratched our heads for an hour or so and then sent it to my Arizona lawyer for her opinion. After all, we aren't completely sure of their terms. The lawyer said if they are truly willing to do a deed in lieu, we should--which is a no-brainer for us. However, this is complete 180 from the treatment we have been getting from them for the past two years. And pardon me for saying so, I'm suspicious.

Which brings me to today. Because I have my gazillion rental homes registered on Zillow to watch, I got an e-mail alert. Apparently, this home was sold at auction a month ago. And, it was sold for about what we owed. Now, I don't know exactly how Zillow's database works, but if someone really bought that property for anywhere near what Zillow is saying they purchased it for, they were ripped off. And, I think I know a few things about pricing homes.

Additionally, and this is kind of minor under the circumstances, but we weren't notified that the foreclosure was taking place at all. In our experience (of the one home this happened with prior) we were actually told via certified letter, US Post Office letter, carrier pigeon and hologram. There was no word this time. In fact, I just checked on the Jefferson County's tax assessor site. Yep, it sold. So it looks like Polly is sticking around for sure.

Six Weeks

Mr. Ex-Partner made it six weeks. I am about to write an into letter to Mario for him. When Mr. Ex-Partner contacted me this morning, he said, "I will follow your rules."

Sweetie. These aren't my rules.

Yes, Yes He Did

Mr. Ex-Partner sent me an e-mail this morning asking for my advice.

It was early. I didn't have my reading glasses on. I only glanced at the e-mail on my phone. But the words were unmistakable, "Your assistance in helping me with this matter would be greatly appreciated."

The matter at hand, was his own doing. I already knew the ins and outs, but did not tell him so. You see, Mrs. Roebuck, who has been living at one of our homes (with Mr. Ex-Partner's blessing) was paying less-than-market rent.

Once he went solo, he wrote Mrs. Roebuck an abrupt e-mail saying something along the lines of "I expect you to cough up more money if you want to live here." Of course he didn't call her, introduce himself, ask her to explain her situation, show any amount of interest at all in why she was paying less-than-market rent (which he knew why, but still!). Nope. Six days into being my ex-partner, he pushed. I know this because it was Mrs. Roebuck who immediately contacted me. What was going on? There was an agreement in place?? Why was he doing this?

Fast forward a month. Mrs. Roebuck and Mr. Ex-Partner had another disagreement last week. Fortunately, I only heard about it second hand from Mrs. Roebuck (who apparently called him a coward for not actually picking up the phone and calling her if he has a problem, but whatever). Anyway, Mrs. Roebuck told Mr. Ex-Partner, she was moving. She would be gone by next week and she would leave the key.

When Mr. Ex-Partner contacted me this morning in a mild panic, he told me basically he was bluffing. He would be willing to let Mrs. Roebuck stay if she would just pay a teensy bit more (which he never mentioned to her this expectation). Heck! He said he would even let her stay for what she was paying now. I honestly was not sure what I could do at this point. He just lost a good tenant for a hard-to-rent home. And he didn't have to.

What I did do was tell Mr. Ex-Partner, contact Mario (he has already burned the bridge with Luigi, and there are so few reasonable property management companies in Birmingham). I offered again to send an introduction e-mail for him if he was interested. I told Mr. Ex-Partner Mario will shoot straight. He will tell the truth. And even if he doesn't hire Mario, they can at least have a conversation so Mr. Ex-Partner will know what is what (and hear it from someone other than me).

In addition--and only because he asked for my help--I told him if I make this introduction, Mario's name is "Mr. Property Management Owner" until Mr. Ex-Partner is told otherwise. I also said Mr. Ex-Partner is to mind his Ps and Qs and realize not all money is created equal, especially Yankee money. In fact, until he has some credibility, consider himself an outsider--because he is one.

If I were to wager, I would say that Mr. Ex-Partner will completely ignore the advice he asked for. And a month later we will have the same conversation again.

Pam and Murray

So Murray and Pam, a retired couple, have rented a home from Mitch and Tanya--the world's most fabulous landlords and friends. The house is located in Gilbert, a suburb of the greater Phoenix area. Frankly, they are lucky to have this place. Rentals right now in the area, especially in Gilbert, are scooped up the day they go on the market. This one included. If I had listed it for rent, there would have been ten applications on this super-clean, well-cared for place in the first 24 hours.

When Murray and Pam looked at the home, they chatted merrily with Mitch, Tanya and me. They mentioned how handy they are. How they will take great care of the place. How responsive they are and rent will never be late. They also looked good on paper, so a lease was created.

Since then, these folks have driven me batty and I am not even involved. First, they wanted to move in early. That doesn't work when the tenants who ARE LIVING THERE aren't moving out until the end of the month. That didn't stop Murray and Pam from asking. And asking. And hinting. And asking again. Somehow they could not fully comprehend THERE IS SOMEONE LIVING IN THIS HOUSE WHO HAS EVERY LEGAL RIGHT TO DO SO EVEN THOUGH YOU WANT TO MOVE. Ask all they wanted, they had to wait. And wait they did. In fact, the keys went to my office and Murray and Pam had to pick them up there.

I would like to tell you that wasn't an ordeal, but no. I was in San Diego and I got a call from Pam. Where exactly is my office? I gave her the address. However, she explained, as if I was a toddler needing to be told for the third time I cannot have a cookie, she has my address. She simply can't find my office. It turns out she didn't bother to drive another mile--as she admitted the GPS told her to do so. It was at that point, I decided these folks are too helpless for their own good. What would they have done if I hadn't answered my phone? I would hope they would have followed the GPS, but I suspect they would have called Mitch and Tanya (who don't live in Arizona) and asked them for directions.

This past week, Tanya asked me where she could find a washer repair person for Murray and Pam. That struck me as strange for two reasons. First, I was pretty sure Pam mentioned they were bringing in their own appliances and second Pam and Murray made a complete episode about the fact Murray was super-handy and they would never need to ask for anything.

But that's not all. Not only did they want the washing machine fixed, they wanted it fixed that day. Therefore, could Tanya stop everything she is doing and find someone right now. Why? Because they were leaving for vacation (ah... the reason for an early move-in) and didn't want anyone going into "their home" while they are gone. Tough. With a two-day notice Mitch and Tanya can have anyone they like go into that property and Pam and Murray would just have to deal.

Tanya has indicated they have asked for a few other things too. I don't know how much of this bugs Mitch and Tanya, but it bothers me a lot. Tenants who have a sense of entitlement are high on my pet peeve list. I understand it is stressful to move. I understand there are schedules, and deadlines. But come on tenants! Figure some of this out yourself. You aren't the only ones out there who have jobs (which Pam and Murray do not), a life or deadlines. I fully understand there is a contract in place too. But nowhere in this contract does is say Mitch and Tanya have to kowtow to a tenant's whims. Additionally, this isn't an inclusive resort. It is a home.

My experience is that those who squawk up front tend to calm down and be wonderful tenants. The other kind are those who squawk and can't figure things out for themselves up front also tend to whine and use up all of their goodwill in the first few weeks of the lease. I am hoping for everyone's sake, Pam and Murray calm down.

Let the Fun Begin

You three readers may recall, I have a home in some state of foreclosure limbo. Two years ago the bank called the second mortgage due (was it two years ago, really?) and then played games with us when we tried to renegotiate. This went on for six months, with them making empty promises and us begging them to fix this.

There was no reason to call the loan due. Everything was always paid on time. I still do not understand why the did it. While we were negotiating they would ask for updated financial statements once a week. They would want Bliz and Diamond Jim to sign these financial statements (which was silly because our books change once a month when we pay the bills). They asked for mountains of redundant paperwork. And then, they asked for my daughter's bank account information. That's where we drew the line.

Halfway through this nightmare, the tenant in the home moved out. She left it in reasonable shape, but to make it ready to move in always has a cost. We didn't' want to make it ready, not knowing whether or not the bank would work with us. After all, why paint and spiffy just to have the bank snatch it from us.

By the time we ran out of money and patience was precisely the same moment the Asset Manager called me and said, "Guess what! We approved your loan" (that you didn't need to disapprove six months earlier). it was too bad. his timing couldn't have been worse. For the first time ever, we didn't have a mortgage payment. I told him so too. Sadly, he didn't believe us. During that phone call he actually pulled up Marty's credit and said to me, "If your credit is so good, why are you telling me you can't pay this loan." Guess what, it is more than a year later, and Marty's credit isn't so good now.

That was April 2015. Through some negotiation, the Asset Manager did agree to let us short sell. By July we had brought him six full price cash offers, all of which the bank rejected. We then asked if we could do a deed in lieu of foreclosure. This guy actually responded with, "I don't know how to do this," and then sent us a letter saying no.

So the home sat vacant. Once in a while we would hear from someone at the bank. Marty Sunshine even talked to their lawyer once who didn't believe our story until she called the Asset Manager for herself and was floored when he confirmed our allegations. The lawyer told Marty in confidence this was all the bank's fault, but there was nothing we could do about it now.

Last February the Asset Manager shluffed us off to some no-nonsense pit bull who told Marty if we didn't pay up immediately they would foreclose, sue us, attach a lien to our rental homes and garnish his wages. That is all standard of course with a foreclosure, but it didn't change matters. Marty told her there was nothing we could do anymore. And that is the absolute truth. The woman promised--promised--we would be sued (and loose) by June. So far, nothing has happened.

And that was the last we heard from her until yesterday. To be fair, my name and contact information is not on this mortgage. Other than the one call to the Asset Manager early on, nobody at this bank has been willing to speak with me in any way, shape or form when I called to negotiate. Only Marty.

So, imagine my surprise when my cell phone rang yesterday and it was that woman from last February. The woman called, told me she had been talking to Marty recently (news to him) and was in the process of telling me all sorts of ugly things about threatening to foreclose when I cut her off. I told her I was with someone (Marty) and I would call her back. And then I hung up and blocked her number like a big fat coward. The woman has not called my home number since nor Marty's cell number.

I am guessing I didn't win any friends with my uncouth move. I panicked, I admit it. Now because I didn't speak to her, we are closer than ever to a foreclosure notice. At least it will come to an end sooner than later.

The Harsh Truth

In the first 26 days of July, and that is when I stopped counting, Mr. Ex-Partner managed to not only annoy six people, he alienated them too. I know this because they all came straight to me. And to be fair, it wasn't six people, it was at least seven if you count myself. Managing a small, accidental business from 1,700 miles away isn't impossible. But it takes a lot of relationship building. It took me years to fine-tune those relationships and him less than a month to undo it all.

Conducting business of any sort in the South it isn't just about finding reliable vendors, it is about finding people who trust outsiders. There were many, many people along the way who questioned my pedigree. The obvious first question was why buy homes in Birmingham (because at the time there was a shortage of rentals in Birmingham and I could get them for less than $100,000 and still get more than 1 percent rent of the sales price in rent and that wasn't possible to do in the Arizona market)? When I managed to satisfy the passing curiosity of even the least intrusive stranger, I was then asked how was I related to the South. At first I answered with I had no ties, only to find out how far my answer took me. Once I was able to say (though it has absolutely no bearing on why I had rental homes in the South), I had family in South Carolina and my Mother-In-Law was from Texas, I was marginally accepted but still had to go through a warped vetting process I still don't quite  understand.

Additionally, to do business in the South, not only does one need to be at least a quasi-Southerner, but they must also know someone who is willing to vouch for them. Think of it as a surreal fraternity/sorority Rush Week. In fact, I once met someone on the airplane on my trip back to Phoenix who knew my then-attorney (Legal Eagle) and that person and I still stay in touch. He is a mortgage banker. I currently don't have a need for a mortgage banker in Birmingham, but I have sent business his way and he has sent renters and referrals my way. Two of my biggest sponsors to-date have been the Late Attorney Jon (whose name can still carry some influence in the right circles) and Kirby.

All of the above is to justify my frustrations with Mr. Ex-Partner. I am vetted. I am accepted. I have passed. I know people who will vouch for my character. Heck, I even know people in Birmingham who will take my money--and believe it or not, that isn't an exaggeration. Not all money is created equal in the South.  Mr. Ex-Partner on the other hand, has managed to throw away a lot of good will and attempted to drag my name down with him. I think I am ok for the most part. Those who have come to me in the first 26 days of July, have asked me about the situation and I have explained him as a once-silent and now ex-partner. That answer seems to be acceptable.

I have asked Marty a few times if I should step in and save Mr. Ex-Partner from himself, because I am watching him implode and he doesn't even know it. Marty Sunshine's answer is constant, let him find out the harsh truth for himself.

Random Bama A Week In The Life

So I did ask Mr. Ex-Partner if he took Monday off to deal with all things Alabama. Yes, he did. But, according to him, he has it "under control" now.

__________________________________________

In a weird turn of events, I actually talked to Mario this week. It had nothing to do with Mr. Ex-Partner. Instead, I was hunting down a lease (for a home he has never managed, but that's another story). However, since I had his attention for the first time in, what? three years, I mentioned I had given his contact information to Mr. Ex-Partner. This is because our LLC is broken up and Mr. Ex-Partner has fired Luigi's company. And then Luigi fired Mr. Partner... but I digress.

I told Mario--and meant it in the nicest possible way--I thought Mario's personality would work better with Mr. Ex-Partner's. Mario would tell it like it is, even if Mr. Ex-Partner didn't want to hear it.

I explained Mr. Ex-Partner has opted to handle everything by himself, and therefore, please expect an introductory e-mail in a few weeks when Mr. Ex-Partner comes to his senses.

__________________________________________

By the way, Mario insists his prices are "no longer" as expensive as Luigi's and he sent me a rate sheet, just in case I want to come on board. No. No I don't. But I have other reasons for this.

__________________________________________

It appears the bank tried to withdraw a mortgage payment from the now defunct LLC. The account was closed, but automatically re-opens when a payment is extracted (even if it is extracted without authorization). Now the account is reopened. And the damn bank charged me NSF fees. It looks like I will be taking a day off from work myself to straighten this mess out.

Luigi's Response

I did hear from Luigi. It was a private message to only me. He has decided instead of writing up an addendum saying he will be bullied around and told how to run company that he has successfully be running for 20+ years, he will just step back, and let Mr. Ex-Partner find a company who is a better long-term fit.

However, the very next day Luigi did write to Mr. Ex-Partner with the following response. Iced tea shot out of my nose when I read this: "I think it may be in our interest to let you manage these houses."

Not well acquainted with Southern mores, Mr. Ex-Partner actually replied to this and asked "why?" I don't see Luigi answering, but if he does, I am sure it will be more blog fodder.

I already gave Mr. Ex-Partner Mario's contact info.

He's Gonna Run Out of Vacation Days if He Keeps This Up Much Longer

So Mr. Ex-Partner clearly took the day off from work on Monday to pepper the South (and me) with about six-million e-mails. I will spare you the most of them, because I like you three. But this one caught my eye. It was the first time he had ever communicated with Luigi. I will tell you this, he did use "Mr." in his introduction. So, so pleased he caught on.

Mr. Property Management Company Owner,

I am not sure that I need your services at this time. I may in the future, so I will hold on to your agreement for future reference.

I would like to know that when I do need your services, that I can get an addendum to your agreement that stipulates that NO Section 8 people would be considered for my rental properties, and that there would be a consequence for your company if you did allow someone to rent my properties under Section 8. Something to the effect that all repairs required when a Section 8 person leaves the property would be the responsibility of your company. It has been my experience that Section 8 people have no respect for a person’s property, and do not take care of it, and always leave them in a shambles. So I will not tolerate these types of people renting my properties. Let me know if this can be worked out.

Can we please translate this: You don't know me, but please be a patsy and agree to something in writing that I, as the owner, can just refuse from the get-go. After all, I have the final say in who rents my home. 

However, this wasn't the end of it. Luigi wrote him, back and said "ok, thanks for letting me know" (in response to Mr. Ex-Partner won't need his services). He did not acknowledge the remaining paragraph. About an hour later, Mr. Ex-Partner sent the following e-mail (and that reminds me, perhaps Mr. Partner could just pick up the phone once in a while and TALK to these people). I am starting to feel sorry for both of them. This was the entirety of the e-mail. 

 I might need you sooner than I thought. And more specifically what is your determination on the Section 8 Addendum that I was asking about?

I can already tell you what Luigi's "determination" of that addendum happens to be. At this time, I have not heard back from either of them. But I am sure Mr. Ex-Partner will be e-mailing me (and I am glad he isn't calling) asking why Luigi hasn't replied.

That Took A Turn

Well now, the optimism I had that Mr. Ex-Partner had learned a thing or two over the course of the last couple of weeks was squashed today when I got his e-mail. He has opted to fire Luigi's company and "manage these homes himself." Of course he added a caveat that it would be with my "recommendations."

My recommendation is not to manage them himself. And if he chooses to go this route, be sure to read the Alabama Landlord Tenant Act.

They Really Should Hire an Armadillo

In typical Alabama fashion, I am getting the runaround. Today's joy is from Luigi's property management company.

I should preface this by saying, when I proclaim Luigi's property management company is one of the best I have found in Birmingham, it isn't high praise. It is more like frustrated resignation. I work for a property management company. Up until 2012 I owned a property management company. Even if you took Luigi's best practices, they aren't nearly as good as having a attention deficit armadillo run the whole thing.

Last month, in anticipation for the LLC dissolution, I reached out to Luigi and Joe the accountant in his office. I explained this was happening. The rents for these homes go here. The rents for those homes go there. Send the corresponding statements to the right individuals. God speed.

I am pleased to say in June, the guy running the accounting department got it right. Frankly, it wasn't terribly difficult. I happen to know what software they are using. Even I can handle it--that's how simple it is.

However, there seems to have been some regression. For whatever reason, this month, the homes are once again mashed together in one report, and it was sent to me. I have't seen any of the rent money, but Mr. Ex-Partner will go to the ends of the universe to exact his revenge if one extra penny is given to me if it belongs in his account.

Last night, when I discovered this, I sent an e-mail to all the parties involved, reminding them of our changes and how they did manage this correctly last month, so why stop that level of excellence now? I also inquired about two homes that were taken out of management that are showing existing charges. Why? Why is this going on?

In Luigi's company's fashion, instead of just owning the mistakes, I have received lots of vague excuses instead. Which, at this point, does nothing to up my opinion of them. My last communication with Luigi was simply, "FIX IT." Hopefully that sums up my sentiment.

Mrs. Roebuck

There are some accidental business decisions that are based on sanity and stability and less on money. And for the record, Mr. Ex-Partner knew upfront about such decisions, was part of the decision-making process and never uttered an unkind word about any of them prior to July 1, 2016. One of these decisions will make little sense on the surface, but after doing this for more than a decade, I promise you, my conscience is clear.

Once upon a time, we bought a home--a home I really don't like and at the time was wary of. After escrow closed we found out a few things. 1) it was on a mildly busy street 2) it has one bathroom and 3) it is not in the kind of neighborhood we were led to believe it was in. A lot of our due diligence was based on the agent we hired who purposely misled us. She gave us information for us to review. However, that information was not only incorrect, it was downright dishonest. That agent has long since passed from real estate and is now ministering her loving care as a nurse somewhere. Bless her heart.

When we bought the house, the Birmingham rental market was fabulous. The price (at the time) was right. We were making a profit on this house. As soon the economy tanked, it was a different story and this home was hit the hardest. I spoke with LegalEagle at the time about the lack of misrepresentation we received. She felt we didn't stand a chance, given the market conditions at the time we purchased, the fact the home had been continually rented for years and up until then, we were making a profit. And to LegalEagle's credit she did do some research before she threw her answer at me.

When the tenant moved out in 2008, the home stayed vacant for too long. By the time we got a renter, we were mildly desperate. Mind you, in 2008 we had a 81 percent vacancy rate. So, the first folks to come along, we took. The story behind them would be legendary if I could speak freely about it. But when I finally kicked them out, they had decimated the house, committed numerous potential felonies in it and left behind a white powdery substance I had to testify about. The fact I was not given a choice about talking to a judge, had to fly to Birmingham and testify at all--and the judge cared more about the people in the home and less about the condition--should give you a grand idea of what I faced.

To put it mildly, those tenants trashed the home beyond all recognition. And given 2008 and 2009's banner years (which you can read about in the blog archives) I promise you we were out of money. Even Mr. Ex-Partner was flat.

So, along came Mrs. Roebuck. She offered to live there and fix up the home. She had a modest income and she had time. And somehow we were covering the mortgage without her payment. Additionally the LLC wasn't paying for the supplies, repairs and rehabilitation and we had a phenomenal tax break. The way we looked at it, and we were all on board, was we could put a Section 8 crack whore in there, a notorious gang member (which I think the tenants prior were) or keep it vacant. Without Mrs. Roebuck's charitable offering, the place would sit vacant and vulnerable otherwise. Essentially, Mrs. Roebuck was protecting our asset, which was better than making a profit.

The neighborhood in question, which was so-so back then, has taken a turn for the scary. There is a methadone clinic a few doors over. There is thug and gang activity. My HVAC unit was stolen, in broad daylight, twice. The second time with a locked cage wrapped around the unit. Lest you think I am exaggerating, Carolsue, who was working there last January witnessed an armed robbery right across the street.

I am going to fast forward here. Mrs. Roebuck moved out eventually. Other renters moved in and out. And most recently, the house sat vacant for almost 10 months. Additionally, against our wishes the folks at the property management company would just hand over the home's keys to "potential tenants" and tell them to go have a look (Ms. Amy lied about this, but it just so happens Carolsue was working there more than once when it happened). By the way, while Ms. Amy was just randomly handing out keys (and denying it), the home was robbed and vandalized. Again.

The property management company also assured me they would find a non-Section 8 tenant. But that wasn't going to happen either. Non-Section 8 tenants don't live in this neighborhood. So, a few months ago, long before the decision to disband, Mrs. Roebuck approached us about moving back in and paying a modest amount of rent. I ran this by everyone and it was agreed upon.

Last month when we were splitting things apart, Mr. Ex-Partner got this house. And all of the sudden the poor dear had a terrible case of selective memory. While he was looking over all of the numbers, he discovered Mrs. Roebuck was paying less-than-market rent. True. But Mrs. Roebuck was taking care of this house. She was even adding a wooden deck out back. And even better, she was not spreading a white powdery substance all over the place or potentially committing felonies. And to my knowledge, she does not belong to a gang.

But, Mr. Ex-Partner was undeterred. After all, according to Zillow (sigh) he could get more rent! And, if he talked to the property management companies they would concur, though they wouldn't mention who would be renting the place. And given two property management companies I have employed couldn't rent out the house the last four times it sat vacant (I found the renters prior to this vacancy as well) I doubt it will go well. But whatever, I have lived it, he hasn't.

Less than five days into managing this property solo Mr. Ex-Partner contacted Mrs. Roebuck and asked her for a higher rent amount. Marty Sunshine and I shook our heads. He is making a big mistake if he asks her to leave. As it turns out, Mrs. Roebuck is leaving. She has decided she doesn't want to deal with Mr. Ex-Partner and especially the shenanigans in this neighborhood anyway.

How To Speak Southern

So Mr. Ex-Partner is being blown off by Ms. Angie. In my opinion, part of the reason behind this is because he got off to a bad start with her--though I doubt he knows it. I am not saying that's the only reason, but he would have done better to pick up the phone and introduce himself than start the very first e-mail to her with "Angela, Where is my rent?"

The fact is, she owes the rent and she picked a really bad month to start this game with him. However, that's not how folks in the South see things. It is a warped logic that I can't fully grasp. But essentially manners are paramount--even when you are asking a potential deadbeat tenant for money.

Anyway, a couple of days ago, Mr. Ex-Partner sent me an e-mail asking where Ms. Angie's rent happens to be (hell if I know, she isn't my tenant) and said she is non-responsive. In a gesture of sympathy I wrote her on his behalf. I then forwarded him the e-mail. The subtext is in blue. Hopefully he caught on and will use this as a boilerplate for future written communications. With any luck, the next e-mail he cc's me on will look more acceptable.

Hey Ms. Angie, (I recognize we are not on a casual first name basis.)

How are you doing? How's the grand babies and the kids?  (We simply cannot discuss the reason for this e-mail until the formalities are out of the way, even if you are telling a convicted murderer he is sentenced to death. For example, "Mr. Murderer, How is your cell? Comfortable? I hope you slept well last night.... Now then, the jury got together and decided they just couldn't see their way to let you walk for this one..." )

Mr. Ex (You don't know him, but he is a nice, mostly harmless kind of fellow therefore he is "Mr." and his first name.) said you are struggling with the rent this month  (you haven't paid and frankly, you gave a seriously lame reason why). I am sorry to hear that (bless your heart). He is a good guy, but a serious stickler on communication so please be sure to stay in touch with him (Have you lost your mind!? Don't make him hunt you down!). You have been there too long to throw it all away now (and he will kick your butt to the street and not look back) and you have worked too hard! (How long have you been there? He has no loyalty. Take this seriously you are days from eviction.)

My best to you and yours, (Seriously, CALL HIM!)

Your Former Landlord (It is ok to call me by my first name because this is just a friendly missive. Do note the lack of Mrs. or Ms.)

Ps. Don't forget to send me grand baby pictures some time. (I like the grand baby pictures.) 

Say Anything

If you asked me last week, I would have said I half expected Mr. Ex-Partner to be under my window, holding a boom box, blasting a Peter Gabriel song. Every day, I would get either a cc'd e-mail from him to one of the tenants, or a note to me with some sort of tid-bit I did not need to know. For example, he wrote me last week to inform me he paid his bills. I read the e-mail twice, wondering if this was just general information or if he wanted a pat on the back. The remainders of his e-mails were veiled complaints about how much "work" running an accidental business happens to be and how "difficult."

Fortunately my level of apathy is running high and I just didn't have anything useful to say, so I didn't. As I have done this for years, with no mentorship and no guidance and had to figure everything out on my own, I have little sympathy for him.

Somehow I managed to channel my lack of concern because it appears Mr. Ex-Partner has changed his tune. Yesterday, in a move that did more to annoy me than anything else, he wrote Bliz and cc'd me, saying he no longer needed her services, so hurry up and finish the books. Other than the fact he blew off Bliz (I got your back, Sis), he told her the reason he did this was because he has taken on too much debt. It is lucky for him I live across town because I became unglued. Seriously, "too much debt?" Where has he been?

Mr. Ex-Partner also wrote me personally saying he would be using his own accountant from now on and Diamond Jim was no longer going to be employed. Again, I am not sure why I needed this nugget, but that works for me. I am sure Diamond Jim (who referred to him only as "Mr. Manners") will be doing cartwheels when he gets the news.

I think at this point, what I would like to help Mr. Ex-Partner do is set up his own blog. He may need it.

19 Days

Mr. Ex-Partner asked about property management today.

Five Years

Today marks five years since Late-Attorney Jon left this life. I think about his widow and five daughters sometimes and wonder how they are holding up. Suicide affects even the most peripheral of all of us. I wonder if he would have been able to get over his challenges if he were still alive. Would he have been happy now had he chosen a different path? Would the pain that drove him to make that ultimate decision have subsided had he lived? One will never know. What I do know is, despite his demons, he was a good man, father and husband, a cornerstone in my accidental business and someone I am proud to have known.

The End of the HOA Fun

There was a certain degree of professionalism that kept me from writing the following letter today:

Dear Homeowner's Association of Hysteria Lane,

Effective immediately Mr. Ex-Partner is the owner of this property. Please send all of your arbitrary nastiness and gestapo correspondence to him directly and leave me alone. Additionally, as you folks have never bothered to even send a copy of your CC&R's anywhere past your filing cabinet, please send him a copy too. He will delight in all of your capricious empire-building and petty threats of lawsuits that won't hold up under scrutiny, but will waste everyone's time. He likes that kind of stuff and will be quick to tell you how much.

Sincerely,

The Other Ex Partner

Running Itself

Last week, Carolsue said these infamous words: "I give Mr. Ex-Partner six months before he puts all of his homes in property management." Though I know Mr. Partner is absolutely, 100 percent against using a property management company (they cost money), I countered with six weeks. I think we are both wrong.

Over the weekend, I have heard from two tenants of the homes he manages. One is moving for sure. The other wrote me and bluntly said, "I don't like this guy." Given he cc'd me on both of the e-mails he wrote to these folks (I wish he would stop doing that), I am not sure I blame them. General basics of "please" and "thank you" go a long way in society in general--even if you aren't in the South.

Additionally, Carolsue sent him a "Howdy, would you like some help," note and he promptly dismissed her (and cc'd me on it). So, I am not sure how he plans on finding new tenants and showing the homes if he doesn't use property management or Carolsue.

Long ago, before any of our homes were in property management and I was spending hours every day dealing with tenant issues, Mr. Ex-Partner bragged to a bunch of people in my ear-shot that this accidental business "runs itself!" For the past 10 days, he's been watching Alabama "run itself". I bet he doesn't think that now.

The First Domino

This used to be my favorite home. It is on a few acres, nestled in the mountains. The porch. Did you see the porch???

Don't be fooled. The pictures make it look fabulous compared to the last time I saw the place. Flunky put up the plywood over the missing garage door at some point prior to the rest of the home's destruction. That same plywood is now pulled off and I am guessing someone, or someones, have gone in to take a peek and see how much copper is left. As you can see, someone already helped themselves to the appliances. There are missing cabinet doors and I happen to have heard there are holes inside the cabinets where sides used to be.

If this blog had smell-o-vision, you would probably want to pass on the basement pictures. Sadly, instead of using the toilets, the last tenants used the basement for their business. I suspect they did that for months. That also may explain why the bathrooms look so, um, pristine.

Had this house been in reasonable condition when the tenants moved out, we might have been able to salvage everything and move forward. I calculated the damage upwards of $40,000 the day I saw it in 2015. And that was only the visible damage. That didn't include the copper wiring, which turns out it was sold (for who knows what) or plumbing (ditto) or anything else I forgot. Though one can see the pictures, this really is a shell of a home at this point. If you don't believe me, look at the price for sale.

It is those last tenants who are responsible for the destruction of this home. It is these people who will never know (nor care) how much damage they have done in my life. They are not accountable. They have no conscience. After all, according to them, we are the "rich landlords" and we deserve it. Right?

This home is one of the reasons why we had no choice but to sell out the LLC. We have been told by two attorneys Marty and I can expect to be sued because of this house. That isn't a dramatic statement. We know it is coming. We are at peace. There comes to a point where enough is enough. It was time to let it go. This is our first domino.


Note: if you look at the bottom of the listing it says we paid $146,000 for this property. I am not sure who told Zillow such nonsense, but no. This, class (and repeat after me), is why we never, ever trust Zillow when it comes to a home's value. 

Not Teaching an Ex-Partner New Tricks

Once upon a time, I visited relatives in the South (next to the swamp, no less). This was in the early 1980s, where I was indoctrinated in Southern Culture. Since that time, I have also traveled to Atlanta on business several times, which also included side-trips of five hours to the same relatives and, at least once (as a small mercy offered by my cousin), a midnight four-wheeling drive through that same swamp to search for alligators--which, by the way we found in droves. It was better than the alternative, which was to have my aunt, with her arms crossed and cigarette dangling from her mouth, grill me about why that "Good-For-Nothing Marty Sunshine" had not bothered to marry me because, as far as she was concerned, I was an Old Maid and running out of time.  All this is to tell you, when our accidental business started, I was no stranger on how to address people in the South.

For the most part, I did not grow up in the South, nor did Marty or Mr. Ex-Partner. Here in Yankee territory, unless your mother insisted otherwise (I insisted otherwise), children may call adults by their first name. Adults address other adults by their first name. It isn't rude; it is just how things are.

However, the South is not so generous. A person, no matter what status--from Emperor to Hobo, may not call the woman by her first name. If he/she does not know the woman's last name, then it is customary to call the woman something along the lines of Ms. Landlord. If he/she knows the woman's last name it is always Ms. Sunshine. This is a hard-fast rule. Only when one has been given permission or through some sort of unwritten form of body language may you refer to someone by their first name. To do otherwise, would be a gross faux pas and a complete insult.

Now the rules for how women address men ("Mr. Jones," or "Mr. Bubba Roy" until otherwise told) or how men address men ("Bubba Roy") are a bit different in the South, but that's not what this blog is about.

Mr. Ex-Partner, who is having a difficult time letting go, has been cc'ing me on e-mails to tenants. And he seems absolutely shocked that the people he is contacting aren't responding. I could tell right away why this is so. When I saw his note to Ms. Angie where he referred to her as "Angela," I gasped in horror. When I saw his e-mail to Mrs. Sherwood Forest where he started it by saying, "Sherwood," I muttered, "Bless his heart..." and meant it. (Incidentally, when I told Polly this happened, she sucked in a breath of air, had scandalous look on her face and said, "NO!")

I asked for counsel from Bliz and Marty Sunshine if I should gently mention to Mr. Partner that he has committed a serious social sin. Both told me not to bring it up. "He will figure it out," is what Marty said. Independently, Bliz commented, "You learned, he will too." I am just not sure he will learn fast enough.

The Honeymoon is Over

Finn, also weary of Mr. Ex-Partner's antics today. 

Though I was sort of hoping I had more time, I really wasn't surprised when Mr. Ex-Partner started contacting me at 7 a.m. this morning. You see, since July 1, which was the day we officially disbanded the LLC, there has been drama. In this case, the drama came when Mr. Partner whipped out the old calculator and figured out that the out flow doesn't match the in flow. And though I have explained this phenomenon to him on a many, many occasions (this happens every July and December for a myriad of logical reasons), it came as a bit of a shock to him today because he is now having to look at this stuff on a daily basis.

In addition to the extra bills (and he ended up with less bills than Marty and I did, but you don't see us whining), apparently a couple of his tenants went MIA. So, the five hours of constant communication today was him saying things like, "Where? Where is my rent?" and me saying, "Why not call your tenants and find out?", which translates to "Hell if I know. Dude, figure it out." 

There were other comments too, like maybe I could send a letter and introduce him so the tenants wouldn't be surprised at the transition. I reminded him I gave him hard copies of that exact letter I wrote last week, but if he misplaced them, here were the same letters again for him to review. He also suggested I didn't actually send tenants a head's up they were supposed to deposit their rent into the correct bank account, and could their rent have gone somewhere else instead? Nope, the "somewhere else" account is closed as of last Friday. 

After that, he wanted me to prove I really sent the please-make-sure-you-deposit-rent-into-the-right-bank-account letter out. At which point I kind of did this "bless your heart" e-mail that basically said he had gotten on my last nerve I didn't have time, as I was under a tremendous deadline. I didn't point out that I managed nicely without this post-LLC micro-managing for years. 

Though he did his best to suggest I do his work for him (not my problem any more, thank you very much!), I didn't bite. I did tell him it was unfortunate this kind of thing happened, Murphy has a wicked sense of humor and I mentioned for the 20th time that I am sure if he contacted the tenants directly (instead of me) he might have better luck finding out where his rent happens to be. What I didn't say was, "You have used up five hours of my day. Why???"

I am quite aware had we not broken up the LLC this issue would have been mine and I would have spent my day hunting these folks down. And of course, I probably would have written about it, so you three readers wouldn't have missed anything exciting anyway. I am also acutely aware I wouldn't have lit up Mr. Ex-Partner's patch of cyber space with constant demands, micro-managing requests and vague pleas for help. Not because I know everything, but because I, too, had been where he is. And you know what? I figured out what to do. But I digress...

Incidentally, later in the day Mr. Ex-Partner cc'd me on an e-mail to one of the tenants (he finally e-mailed her) saying he expects with "any luck" I will still be involved. I am not sure whose "luck" he is thinks he is speaking of.