Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Please Stop Breeding

It looks like the neighbors in Leeds are up to their old tricks again. Last year, they caused me a variety of headaches with their shenanigans. They did fun-fun things like calling the police on my lawn guy. Even the police thought it was racially motivated.

One day, a neighbor showed up and dismantled the shed in the back There were witnesses who refused to come forward, in fear of retaliation from the Head of the Redneck Mafia who happens to live on that street.

There was also at least one other event that I attribute to them. Someone broke in and smeared feces on the walls in one bedroom but didn't take anything. I wish I could be so lucky this time.

On Sunday, Ms. Betty called with disturbing news. According to her, they were in the process of moving into their new home and had just come back to clean the house to find the door kicked open. Some of the items from Betty's last remaining boxes were missing. Also missing was the six month old dishwasher. The stove was left, but moved out from its intended place. I guess they decided against it.

Ms. Betty is pretty sure it is the neighbors because she said they were watching her move out. Given how quiet the street is (it is waaaayyy out of the way) this is a plausible suggestion. It occurred to me that Mr. and Mrs. Betty took it and hocked it too, making up the entire scenario to cover their backsides. I am not discounting this theory either. Might you remember the hack saw incident from months earlier?

In any case, with a little luck and some help from Jack, I am going to try to sell this place again. I really want this house gone. I am tired of it. I am tired of everyone associated with this house. I am tired of the drama.

And, if it doesn't sell, I guess I will have something else to write about.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Random Bama

Kirby rented out the Bankruptcy house in 10 days! They are supposed to move in Oct. 8. Let the back flips begin!

By the way it took 28 days for me to get the keys back from the former property management company.

***

It looks like some of the flooring in Mrs. Waterford's former home is salvageable. This might only be because Matt was there when James-the-hell's-angel's-turned-interior-decorator went over. Matt knew I didn't want to change out anything I didn't have to, so he reinforced this with James.

James also gave me a primer on what colors clash with "neutral." Sadly, his drawl was too thick for me really to understand him, so I am going to take my chances that 1) Matt understood and is watching my back, 2) it will work out no matter what or 3) the next potential tenant will think fuchsia is the new black and will fall in love with the place.

At any rate, if you do know what colors clash with neutral, I am dying to know.

***

Howie the Hack responded to my e-mail with the following (and I quote): "o.k."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Friendly Suggestion

It might be a wise idea, if you are using a pastor as a reference for a potential rental home, you make sure the pastor doesn't have a criminal background. I checked. You might want to as well. Just a thought.

Sigh...

Validation

In the event you don't remember the delightful Mr. 114, he lives next door to one of my rental properties. A long, long time ago, he and I became acquainted, as he likes to know who to complain to when my tenant throws wild parties and doesn't invite him.

Mr. 114 is one of those super-meticulous types who tends to like others to be super-meticulous. His yard, home and car fit this bill. Trusted, the former tenant who first lived next door to Mr. 114, once told me Mr. 114 asked Trusted in a pleasant, friendly way, to please move his trash can to the other side of his garage, so Mr. 114 wouldn't have to look at it when he first walks out of his garage.

Currently, Mr. 114 mows Ms. Shirley's (my current tenant) yard because (as the story goes) he does it better than her former gardener. He has also started his own lawn maintenance and handyman service. I was thrilled when he told me this, as I am always keeping my eyes open for someone who can handle these types of tasks.

Last week the largest flood to hit the South in a long time, did not spare one of my homes. The basement is now flooded and in serious need of help. Lots of it. Mr. 114 has already gone over there and sent me a quick note, telling me a more meticulous accounting of the repairs is on the way. Was I interested in the quick and cheap fix, or the more expensive long-term fix? The difference sounded like a few hundred dollars for it to be done right.

I instinctively picked the long-term fix, idly wondering what Mr. Partner would have chosen under the circumstances. Mr. 114 then wrote me the following e-mail.

That's one thing I really like about you..... you like fixing things the right way. I hate half assing things but in the world we live in right now, that's all people want. I have had 2 people tell me to stop weed eating their yard when I cut it to save a little money, but they don't understand why I have to charge them extra to get it back looking good. They don't understand that its cheaper and easier to do it right the first time then going back and doing it again later!!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Hello? Howie?

I got my very first Friday update from Howie the Hack! Mind you, Marty Sunshine and I tried contacting him with a variety of methods no less than six times in a two week period before we gave up.

Friday, I heard from him, as if I was under the impression he had been toiling away on my behalf and I might be a little bit curious what he had been dilligently working on for the past six weeks. Howie asked for a lot of information and bandied about the upcoming hearing where we would finally be able to ask the judge to kick these people out of my home.

I had fleeting thoughts of bad dates in high school where the boy would call out of the blue, completely bypassing any legitimate reasons why he hadn't stayed in touch. When asked about his lack of follow-up to that point, the boy in question would make up some seriously lame excuse like he lost my number (though he was calling) or his mom had been sick in bed with a toothache (for three weeks) or something equally stupid. At this point, he would quickly change the subject, assuming everything was just dandy and did I want to do something that night? (And by the way guys, we completely understood the subtext and though you were idiots. Then we told our girlfriends you were idiots too. Then we would snicker and bring you up at random times when we needed a laugh).

I did write Howie back. I told him because I he hadn't bothered to return my e-mails and phone calls, we had moved on--though I said it a bit more politely. And, by the way, great news! The folks already moved out and the house. (snicker...)

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Finding Your Way Into A Walk In Closet

Though it should seem obvious, if you are trying to rent a home and you are specifically told it will be open from 1 to 4. And there is a car in the driveway of the said home. And, you haven't rung the doorbell or made any effort to see the interior. Please don't call me in a panic, telling me the front door is closed and when can you see it.

I won't be impressed.

Good Old Jerry

Jerry called me, wanting to follow up on his application on the Martin Home. I told him he didn't fill out the application completely and I am a bit uncomfortable moving forward. So, I ran another ad in the paper.

I told him I tried calling but he didn't have voice mail, which led me to believe he wasn't very interested in pursuing this. I said, I was surprised he wouldn't have voicemail, given he had sent in the application and knew I would be calling. I also told him about an unusual phone call I got the other day, where I talked to a guy named Mike who was a bit rude and refused to identify himself until I asked for the third time.

Jerry's answer was to ask what he needed to clean up his application. He completely ignored my story about the suspicious phone call.

I am crossing my fingers for another application this weekend from someone completely different and unrelated to Jerry.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Pow-Wow Partner Lunch

On Wednesday, Marty Sunshine dragged me to meet with Mr. Partner.

To set the record straight, I like Mr. Partner. And, I am not, and never have been, afraid of Mr. Partner. Though he is a bit more explosive, my temper can be equal to his, though I have learned to be more diplomatic in my old age. A couple of years ago, I had it with him and told him so. Since then, he has calmed down and changed his communication with me and things are just ducky between us.

But that doesn't mean I am up for sitting with him (or anyone else for that matter), eating pizza and rehash the dramas of the past few months. My emotional state has recently leveled off at around 65 percent.

However, it probably was a good thing I went to lunch, because it gave me a chance to explain in person how he has the luxury of missing some of the day-to-day stuff he seems to overlook in his weekly updates. All-in-all, it was a productive lunch with a few things on the horizon to hopefully brighten our future outlook.

I also found it fascinating to see where our landlording styles are somewhat different. I came to the following conclusion: we would have more money in the bank if he completely ran the show. We would be more profitable if I completely ran the show. We seem to have a mix of both.

Mr. Partner believes in cutting corners where ever possible. Why hire a plumbers/electricians when someone's-brother-in-law-who-knows-how-fix-whatever-is-broken-and-will-work-for-cheap is available?

Why paint a home when there is someone out there willing to take a Barney-purple master bedroom? Just get the house rented and see what happens. There is no reason to wait for a "quality tenant." Because one can't predict the future, the outcome when his-tenant-versus-my-tenant moves out might be the same. (It also might not.) Overall, it boils down to the perceived long-term benefit versus short-term gain when the outcome is unknown.

I can see his point on many of these issues--and I (begrudgingly) concide, maybe we don't need to paint the Barney-purple interior. My feeling is, if I provide a quality product, I am more likely to get a quality tenant who is willing to stay a few years? On average, my tenants stay 3 years. Given the number of homes I have, I don't have that many tenant issues.

I also find, although I have a couple of trusted handymen, if the vendor of my choice is licensed (like a plumber), they are more accountable when it comes to making repairs. I hate hearing a repair has been made only to find out the fix was a band-aid and I have to pay again.

Mr. Partner doesn't want a property management company to handle the day-to-day stuff. I have decided we have a better opportunity to keep these properties rented and less hassle if have a third party handle them. We loose 10 percent of the rent. My gamble is we get better tenants and less excuses. We cash flow either way. With my way, we just don't cash flow as much.

I once heard that internal conflict stems from doing what is wrong when you know the right answer. Because Mr. Partner and I are starting at different points in the landlording management, I am conflicted trying to save his costs when my gut tells me the possibly more expensive option would be much more worth it.

One of the best things that came out of lunch was a commitment for success. Marty and I are committed. But it was nice to tell Mr. Partner that. And, it was nice to hear that from him too.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Shaken, Not Thrown

I got an application on the house on Martin. When Jerry met with Carolsue, she told him, "Be sure to fill out the application thoroughly. The landlord has a thing about that." Carolsue assures me Jerry nodded dutifully.

On Monday, Jerry called me to tell me he was faxing the application. I got the application Tuesday night.

Wednesday morning, I looked over the application to find out there are some basic items missing. Like phone numbers for personal references. Like the amount Jerry is currently paying right now for rent. Like a phone number to contact his current employer to verify employment and income.

Feeling marginally desperate, I called Jerry to coach him into resubmitting the application with the required items included. However, Jerry's phone has one of those "at the subscriber's request, this phone is not accepting voice messages at this time." How nice.

I am pleased to say I saw this for what it was worth: a waste of time. I am also pleased to say at that moment, my initial desperation washed away like a martini thrown in the face of 1940's movie star. I was done. Jerry flunked the basic prescreening. I knew what I would be in for if I approved him.

I had already mentally moved on from Jerry when, about 30 minutes later, I got a call on my cell phone. When I answered, the caller (who happened to be calling from the number Jerry had given me), gave introduction by demanding, "Who are you? You called me? What do you need."

"I am sorry, I don't know if I called you. I made several calls this morning." I said.

The man, undeterred, wanting to why I was calling.

I asked, "To whom am I speaking to please?"

He said, "Mike."

"Hmmmm? I know I didn't call a Mike today, so I guess I didn't call you." I said and promptly hung up.

Good bye Jerry.

Next time I will just drink the martini.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Equivelant of an Ice Pack and Two Tylenol

I already think my new property management company was a blessing from above. How else can one possibly explain the random phone call two hours after I fired the abomination of a property management company? I have to tell you, I am not one for random occurrences. Including this.

Last week, I put the bankruptcy home into property management. However, because technology hates me and I cannot fax or scan at this particular moment, Kirby hadn't received my agreement yet. All he had was my word that it was going to happen.

So what did Kirby do? He went over to the house, changed the locks and put a sign in the yard anyway. Though that may not seem like much, the expectations bar was pretty low after that last company. So, someone actually going this far out of their way with the promise of a written agreement is pretty spectacular.

The bankruptcy people left the house in fantastic condition. Even the floors were swept! Kirby is recommending I paint the interior and clean the carpets. I am willing to take care of the carpets right away. If I can't get the house rented, I will then look at painting. The colors are neutral, but I can see how they aren't for everyone.

Last I heard, Kirby was getting calls and I am feeling much better about this particular vacant home.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Is It Worth It?

"Never sue on principal," was advice given to me by one of the big-time attorneys at Arizona Public Service during my tenure there a zillion years ago.

There are some battles just not worth fighting. Mrs. Martin might just be one of those. The woman is a single mother of four, trying to get by. She wants to do right by her family. She has been known to work two jobs. In the three years she rented from me, I watched her life change to her ultimate decision, move out because I was kicking out.

When she left, the home was clean(ish). The next door neighbors say Mrs. Martin was quiet. Didn't keep pets and didn't have scary people coming in and out at all times of the day. Essentially, she was a decent tenant with financial troubles.

However, she got a couple of breaks from me. Because Marty and I owned this property without investment partners, we were in a position to be more lenient. I don't regret those decisions. But, as my ever-brilliant cyber-friend Lori once mentioned, "you can't bank good will."

The fact is, she owes me two month's rent. Though Legal Eagle did this one at a discount, Mrs. Martin owes me the legal fees for her eviction. If I have to go to court, I can ask her for the court-related legal fees too (which will be pre-paid by me and won't be discounted). And, because my lease says so, one can argue she owes me for the rent from the day she vacated to the day I get this house rented. She also owes me for the 17 cans of Kiltz because Dracula red was not on the tenant-approved kitchen color list.

But, how far can this go? If I go to court next month, I will win. I know this. And, presumably she is smart enough to know this too. I can garnish her wages. But, she is eeking by as it is. I personally think she is one huge finaical judgement away from bankruptcy. And, a garnishment from me would probably put her into bankruptcy. Or, she can just quit her job. With either of those scenarios I get nothing but a hollow victory.

Legal Eagle is trying to settle this out of court, with the hopes that I can see some return. Because if I have to go to court, I will win. But at what cost?

Monday, September 21, 2009

I Might Have To Ask Her to Stay Back 50 Feet

I think I have a stalker.

Two October's ago, I had a vacant home. A woman named Cordillia called me wanting to rent it. She said all the right things. I sent her a lease, all was set. She then disappeared without even an, "I am sorry, I changed my mind" phone call.

Last October, when Wayward's home came available, she called me again. She called excessively, demanding to see Wayward's home, bugging me and Carolsue to no end. Then, didn't rent the house.

I didn't remember her right away. But when I was looking over rental applications for the aforementioned home, everything clicked. There can't be that many people in Birmingham with the name of "Cordillia" and her last name.

Heaven help me! She is back again. Yesterday, I got a vocie mail from Cordillia asking about my house for rent on Martin and for me to please call her back. NOW! I then checked my missed calls to see she has called six times in the past 24 hours.

As she has already failed my basic prescreening process--proving she is a flake and has inappropriate interpersonal skills, I don't feel the least bit bad not returning her calls. Besides, even if I did rent to her, a year from now, she would be looking for another place to live.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Autopilot

Once upon a time, Mr. Partner suggested that these homes practically manage themselves. Sigh... Good old Mr. Partner!

This weekend, they better do just that. Carolsue is moving. I am spending the first weekend in FOREVER away from my cell phone and somewhere North of Phoenix exploring lava tubes with my family.

Ok, I will have my cell phone because I still have the Martin home available for rent and I am working on getting a tenant. But, barring anything too serious, I am off the clock.

Have a good weekend!

Not Lost In The Translation

All in the past two weeks.


Me: Your rent check hasn't arrived.
Ms. Betty: What! I sent the cashier's check last week.
Translation: I am not the least bit outraged that a sizable amount of money is missing because I didn't send it.

Me: You owe me money
Mrs. Martin: I will see you in court.
Translation: I owe the money and I am putting off the inevitable, hoping you won't show up.

Potential Tenant: We have a verbal offer on the house we are selling so we want to move as soon as possible.
Translation: We are in foreclosure and the auction is at the end of the month.

Me: I have a job for you.
Legal Eagle: I am on it.
Translation: I need to pay for the food for the pony you bought Eaglet last year.

Handyman: Look over the quote I gave you and let me know what you think.
Translation: I am freaked out about how much this is going to cost and I expect you will hyperventilate when you see this.

Carolsue: I talked to Ester and she seemed really nice. I am going to meet her at the house on Monday.
Translation: Damn! I have to go back out there again!

Potential Tenant: Is your yard fenced?
Me: No it is not.
Potential Tenant: When are y'all putting in a fence?
Me: We aren't.
Potential Tenant: You have to! That's discrimination.
Me: No it isn't.
Potential Tenant: I am going to sue you for discrimination.
Translation: I am an idiot.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Little Good News

Howie the Hack did not answer five different requests for a status update. On Monday, I begged Legal Eagle to take this over. As I was already three heartbeats short of another stroke related to the recently messed up Mrs. Waterford's former home, I suspect Legal Eagle felt sorry for me.

Sadly, I was ok with that.

But, before I could contribute to Eaglet's future college tuition (he's 8), I got a sweet surprise. The bankruptcy people moved out! And it looks like they left the place marginally clean.

The hell with Howie.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Don't Cry For Me

I won't bore you with a rehash of how much I lothe the former property management company I fired. Ok, maybe I will...

According to the property management company--who left the tenant in the house on the move-out date and did not follow up to see if they were gone--the house wasn't that bad. It is now.

I can also tell you, I have an independent witness who can verify the former tenant did not move out when they said they were going to. In fact, they were living there on Sept. 1.

And even though the former property management company said a wall needed to be painted and the flower beds need to be weeded, apparently they missed a few things. A lot of few things. Though the pictures don't make it look as bad as the 508 house, it isn't curently habitable.

Someone is going to pay for this damage. And Legal Eagle's son is planning on going to Harvard.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It Might Be A Tad Too Subtle

I wrote the following review on Superpages for the former property management company:

I gave them one star because there is no lower rating. They had one property of mine in property management for one month. In that time they never once put a sign in the yard, advertised the property on their web site or ran an ad in their newspaper. They only made one appointment to show the home. I missed the summer window where people are moving before school starts because they did NOTHING. Thier contractor wanted to charge me $75 to give me a QUOTE on the roof (another roofer said it was fine). If you have your choice between (this company) and a brain-damaged junk yard dog to manage your home, there is only obvious choice. Make sure you have a healthy supply of Milkbones.

They still haven't given my keys back.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Euphoria

Since my nervous breakdown three weeks ago, I have been reacting to just about everything Alabama with escalating levels of trepidation mixed with anger. I have been loathe to open e-mails or listen to voice mail. Every little thing makes me more irritable than Darth Vader with a migraine.

Marty Sunshine has been picking up some of the slack, offering to take on whatever will make me less crazed. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the background on most of the ongoing issues, nor the time to handle this nonsense. He is handling Mr. Partner and a few odds and ends, but overall, this has been my burden.

This past week Ms. Betty told me rent was on the way. When I didn't get it, she gave me her best theatrical, "Are you kidding me?" She told me the Post Office cashier's check was sent on August 28. It hadn't been cashed. And she pawned her car to pay the rent. I really didn't need to hear the last part.

I don't really have the strength to deal with Ms. Betty, so I am keeping our communication on an e-mail level. Plus, it helps document everything. Which may come in handy.

On Thursday, I pointed out that, although I felt bad for her situation, it was strangely suspicious that this was the second time the post office had lost only her rent check. I also told her I needed to know how she would be rectifying this as soon as possible so I could make some decisions.

I didn't hear back Friday. But I did Saturday. If I read through her e-mail correctly, Friday Mr. Betty had his hours cut back and she wanted me to be "the first to know." Nothing was said about the lack of rent. However, she was clear future rent is going to be difficult to come up with. Did I have any solutions?

That's when the release happened. Up until that moment, everything Alabama was stroking me out. Not this! I wrote the happiest e-mail I have written in weeks:
Ms. Betty,

As you not making much effort to find the missing rent and are not committing to solving this, it looks like you have a housing problem. I wish you the best. It will save us money if you just move out this week so I don't have to start the eviction process.

The best of luck to you and your family.

The Landlord

No, I don't need another vacant home. But getting rid of Ms. Betty still makes me want to do cartwheels. As Legal Eagle once said, "Things can only go up from here."

Friday, September 11, 2009

Let's Try This Again

I greatly admire Attorney Jon. I found him several years ago on a lark. Everyone he has ever recommended to me has turned out to be gold. He is surrounded by good people. And he is a fantastic man himself. And, he is connected to the investor community in Birmingham, which has been a tremendous asset.

He doesn't handle evictions, so he gave me Legal Eagle. He recommended Jack--the world's best agent. He gave me John, my mortgage guy. Recently he gave me the name of the Matt, whom I met with during my last trip to Birmingham.

I initially met with Matt because he was an investment banker and he involved with a group of venture capitalists. Jon knew this and thought we should meet. Thank you Jon.

Matt and I left our meeting promising to catch up again when the time is right. At this moment, I don't have any way to promote future growth. I am maintaining. Matt understood this. I, like most people he is currently involved with , are products of the economy.

That was June.

In August, precisely two hours after I fired the property management company, Matt called me to say hello. He said he had run across my number two hours earlier, and thought he would give me a call. He started out by saying, "How are things going? Is there anything you happen to need?"

Matt later told me, he has no idea why he asked me that question. Especially when my answer startled him.

I said, "I need a competent property management company that handles Shelby County, and specifically Calera. Do you know one?"

It turns out Matt does know one. And, he hooked me up with Kirby. Kirby was part of the venture capitalists. He had recently started his own property management company and he is looking for quality homes and quality landlords.

Before Matt and I even spoke two weeks ago, Kirby had heard about me. Matt had told him what I was doing and that we should meet and see if we could do business. Except, I don't think property management was what he had in mind.

When Kirby and I talked last week, I told him what I expected. Specifically: don't leave a tenant in a house once they are supposed to be moved out. Advertise a home for rent and do your darnedest to rent out the place. Essentially, don't make me fire you. And don't make me call Matt and Attorney Jon.

This week, I sent Kirby a new owner agreement and a key to Mrs. Waterford's former (I hope) home. I added a few things he wasn't expecting in the owner agreement. For example, I added I will fire him if the home stays vacant for 45 days without any signs of advertising. I added my standard clause about not taking anyone who has been arrested for sex crimes or substance abuse. And I will not take anyone who has ever been evicted. Ever. I didn't add a clause about obnoxious pastors with their own utube following. I will evaluate that on a case-by-case basis.

Our first quest is seeing if Mrs. Waterford left. Our second quest is cleaning up the place and renting it as soon as humanly possible. Hopefully this time it will work out.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

She's So Silly

Remember Mrs. Martin?

She and I aren't seeing eye to eye on what "oweing money means." In fact, she told the court she doesn't owe me back rent or legal expenses. Perhaps she should have read her lease a bit better. Because she does.

Unless Legal Eagle can get this settled out of court, it looks like I am going to have to explain this to the judge next month.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Roll Tide

Many years ago, while having dinner with Attorney Jon, Mrs. Jon, Jack and Mrs. Jack, the inevitable happened.

Located in Birmingham, it was one of those stereo-typical loud family Italian restaurants, the kind the Hollywood props department would design for the warm-hearted scene of the family gathering before a wedding. All was going well. Mrs. Jack and Mrs. Jon where politely inquiring about my lack of Southern lineage and how I managed to own rental properties in Birmingham. Then Mrs. Jon asked the question.

"Are you an Alabama or an Auburn fan?"

"Neither" I replied.

In a split second, the only sound in the entire restaurant was forks hitting plates as the room quieted and every eye stared at me in disbelief. At that moment I would have been more welcome with my guests if I had stood up and cheered how happy I was that the North won the Civil War 140 years earlier.

Mrs. Jon, the consummate Southern Belle, realizing my ignorance, took pity on me. She patted my hand and said, "Well, you are an Alabama fan now. Aren't you?"

I obediently nodded and festive noises were heard through the restaurant again.

So, now I am an Alabama fan.

I am Thinking About Putting This in My Craigslist Ad

It seems every un-articulate self-righteous bum has my Birmingham phone number. And, what's worse, they want more information about my home.

My screening process is not as stringent as some companies I have seen. I have some basic rules:

1. CLEARLY state your name, number and your purpose for calling.
2. If I call you back, don't answer your phone (because you are--presumably--expecting my call) with "Hey baby, watz up?"
3. Don't ask me for a reduction in the rent before you have seen the home and before you have qualified yourself as the world's best tenant.
4. A quick tip: Gainful employment is a bonus.
5. NO YOU MAY NOT PAINT THE WALLS RED.
6. It is ok for me to discriminate against rude people, people who are not legally allowed to work in the United States (see Tip 4) and those who can't complete a full sentance without swearing.
7. My religion may not be your religion. My political beliefs might not be your political beliefs. It might be in your best interest not to bring up either.

And this is just the calls in the past two days.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

A Few Good Quotes

One of my basic rules in life is that I don't beg people to take my money. So, you can imagine how frustrating this can be when I can't even get one decent quote from an air conditioning company, let alone the two quotes insurance is requiring.

So far, I have received three.

Quote 1. They quoted me a number and then in parentheses spelled out a complely different number. "This will cost $50 (Forty six dollars)." I can't submit this to the insurance company as I don't want them to pay $46 if it really is $50 I have to shell out.

Quote 2. The company sent me a quote that read:

Option 1: $50
Option 2: $100


There was no explanation as to why the difference.

Quote 3: $10,000,000.

Friday, September 04, 2009

The Greatest Tenants On Earth

I am really not all that downhearted about the greatest tenants on Earth who walked into my voicemail this past week. They didn't want to wait until Sunday's open house to see my home on Martin. They were professional, articulate and passed my basic communication screening. So, Carolsue acquiesced, stopped what she was doing (which was working at the 508 house) and met these folks at Martin to show them my fabulous home.

They in turn, mentally placed their furniture in the home and figured out where the Christmas tree needed to go. They then high-tailed it to the nearest library to print out my application and fax it to me. From the time they called me to the time I got their application was less than 2 hours.

Because of their situation, they asked to pay five months in advance. Although this sounds like a gift, it isn't always. It means I am stuck with them for five months. They also asked if I could clean the place before move in. When I asked what "clean" the place meant, Mrs. Greatest Tenant On Earth said there was drink cup in the garage and a "couple" dead bugs in the bathroom. She said that was all the cleaning that house needed.

When all was said and done, I had run their credit/background/eviction and sent them a lease before lunch. They acknowledged the received the lease and promised to fax it on back. We had also set up with Legal Eagle for her to hang on to their deposits and rent until move-in. We were set.

That was three days ago and I haven't seen the lease. They aren't returning calls. I am through. And I am ok moving on. My phone is ringing. E-mails are coming my way. And if the Greatesst Tenants on Earth are this flaky now, let them pass. I will be happier in the long run.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Stop the Madness

I admit it. It is pretty easy to be the best plumber in Birmingham when the bar is pretty low to begin with. However--and maybe it is just me--I would think if I have steady work from a landlord with a gazillion homes, I might be a tad more attentive.

Angie, bless her, has been very patient about the water leak at her home. Frankly, I was under the impression it was fixed after their ineptitude caused a flood of Biblical proportions. When this happened originally, I used my best low-talking teeth clenching, "I expected better from you" speech, patented by mothers everywhere and changed for the occasional vendor.

Sadly, this past week Angie e-mailed me to tell me nope, the bathroom water leak is still there. Because of the timing involved, I asked her to call the plumber. She did. Then I called the plumber and explained I didn't want my tenant to ever call me again about this leak. TAKE CARE OF IT.

Tuesday, the plumber showed up, scratched his head and left. He never touched his tool box. He never did any plumberly things. He just left. Angie still has a broken bathroom. She is unhappy. I am livid.

Wednesday, because I was pretty sure I could not speak to them without using a high-pitched I am furious beyond all get out type of voice (also patented by mothers everywhere), I had Marty Sunshine call.

In all fairness, I was sort of hoping Marty would channel my frustration and give them hell. No. Not Marty. He was super professional and reasonable. This just didn't sit well. I watched him, knowing my ire wasn't being conveyed appropriately.

So, I started ranting in the background, loud enough to ensure the owner's wife took note. I said things like, "didn't charge them for the damage caused by the flood," this particular issue is directly related to "incompetent plumbers who have not done their job" and "I don't appreciate my tenants thinking I am a slumlord because I can't get quality work done."

Marty assures me the owner's wife was taking notes and my message was relayed. Maybe. Maybe no.

Carolsue got a call about 15 minutes later from the plumber who is supposed to meet her at Angie's home tomorrow so she can point out exactly where the water is coming from. Though I don't know what transpired between the time Marty hung up and the time he called Carolsue, he was apparently in a bad mood when he talked to her.

I have told Carolsue to take pictures. Because if this isn't fixed I am calling the board of contractors. I am not paying for an indoor swimming pool. And, I am not a slumlord.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

And She Suggested My Reasoning Was Absurd

The following came as a certified letter (you know, one of those waiting-in-the-line-for-half-the-day-at-the-post-office type of certified letter) from the former property management company. The letter did not include the keys to my properties. They wrote:

"Please be advised that we are happy to honor your request. However we do not understand nor do we agree with your reasoning behind the request. Your reasoning is most absurd as there has been no misrepresentation of our company of any kind or has there been any gross non-performance."


I don't wish to get into a slap fight with these folks, so I won't respond to them. But if I were, I would say:

Dear Former Property Management Company,

While I agree there has been no misrepresentation of your company, I happen to think it would be absurd to stay with a company that doesn't represent my interests. In the five weeks you had my Martin home, you did not advertise the home--including putting up a for rent sign or even putting a picture on your Web site. I happen to know you had pictures, I gave them to you.

This was a prime opportunity to find renters, as school was about to start and this home is in a highly desirable school district. Additionally, you fully admitted to me you only made one appointment to show the home. When we discussed this during the weeks you had this home in your stewardship, you said you weren't getting phone calls. I find that absurd too. My phone hasn't stopped ringing since I began advertising it last week.

To put things in better perspective, being in Arizona, I managed to rent out two other vacant homes in this same period of time you had my Martin home in property management.

Additionally, I gave you Mrs. Waterford's (hopefully) former home for you to manage. When you went out to collect keys, you admitted to me Mrs. Waterford was still in the process of moving out, so you LEFT HER IN THE HOME without keys or any follow-up to see if she moved out.

At this time, I have no idea what kind of condition this home is in. I don't know if Mrs. Waterford left. Or if she left and has come back and taken the kitchen cabinets with her.

Though this type of thing shouldn't normally be a concern, I don't expect licensed real estate agents who have a fiduciary responsibility to their clients to do something so irresponsible. I assure you, if the home is in any way damaged, you are going to be answering to Legal Eagle.

I think it is absurd to suggest there is no gross lack of performance, as I question how you measure non-performance under these circumstances. In this case, there is no benchmark of performance.

Cancelling our contract after one month saved me a long-term headache. Essentially, you blew it. Now return my keys.

Sincerely,

The Landlord

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Tenant Screening

I am back to looking for a tenant for the Martin home. This sure beats the last month of Heaven knows what screening the former property management company was doing.

Monday morning, Tiffy called at 5:45 a.m., asking me to please call her back immedately. She was "very interested."

Between the time she left her message and I called her back, I had put a lot hope into Tiffy. She put a complete sentence together. Her vocal intonation suggested she was employed. And clean. And like she didn't have rottweilers. Or king cobras. In my world, she had already moved in, paid rent and was quite happy.

When I called her back, her cell phone was disconnected. Carolsue also tried her. Yep, she didn't pay the cell bill.

I also got an application from a minor local pastor-celebrity type who wanted to rent my home. He has his own utube evangelical following. Though I was somewhat impressed, according to Carolsue, most big-time pastors in the Bible Belt have their own utube following.

This particular pastor forgot to fill out some critical segments of my application. He also allegedly spent time in jail, has filed bankruptcy had car repossessions AND his Web site brags about his get out of debt ministry.

I think I will pass.