Allergic to Work

The nicest way word I can think of to describe Ray--the agent Luigi assigned to sell the two homes I wanted sold--is a dumbass. I rarely will just blatantly outright trash someone on my blog, so you get the idea. Ray is a dumbass. He is also damn condescending--in that Southern man-don't-you-worry-your-pretty-little-head-about-it way. Wrap up those elements of his personality and what I can see about his real estate selling skills and you have what I never, ever wanted for a real estate agent to represent me and my best interests.

We started this saga months ago, though it was unbeknownst to all parties at the time. When I negotiated my property management contracts I put in them that if Luigi's company handled the buyer and seller of a sale of my properties they would take a cut in their commission. This has been a source of contention between Ray and me from day one. He wasn't part of that negotiation and he isn't happy. In truth, he hasn't brought me a sale either. So, currently his commission is zero.

I asked him to list the Alabaster home for sale. I explained it was also for rent. So, if Luigi rented it out first, it would go off the market. If Ray popped it on MLS and we had a contract, too bad for Luigi. I discussed this independently with both Ray and Luigi. I even wrote it in the listing contract (Ray left the entire listing contract blank, including the addresses and price--except the commission instructions, which I changed anyway). It wasn't a shock.

And, because Ray isn't Johnny-on-the-spot, he didn't bother putting the house on MLS until SIX days after I gave him the listing. And he only did it when he found out there was a potential renter interested. And then, he started barking to everyone in earshot (Ms. Amy--at the office they work at together--told me this) that I wanted to sell the place so stop showing it for rent.

Great news! I have a renter for the Alabaster home!

Ray was also directed to sell the home in Leeds. I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with him the day I sent over the listing with the following directive: offer the home for sale to the tenants. If they aren't interested, tell them nothing more. I don't want to scare the tenants away. Just quietly list it on MLS and find an investor. I don't want to do anything to make them uncomfortable.

And, just because I am a high-strung Type-A, I actually wrote the previous in an e-mail. I wanted it very clear the long-time tenants are to feel secure they have a place to live if they don't want to buy.

Now then, for those of you who may find this a bit implausible, please understand, this happens all the time. It is common for a home to be listed in the Multiple Listing Service where a tenant lives. It is common to say, do not disturb the tenants. It takes a LOT longer to sell the home this way and more work has to go into the process, but in the mean-time the agent who lists the home has a chance to find buyers and sellers to grow their business. A good investment listing can generate two or three other sales for an agent. Plus, it can sell their client's home--which is all I really cared about.

Or, if the agent happens to work for a property management company, they can advertise to their landlords and see if they can drum up a buyer that way. Perhaps the owner says, "I am not interested in this particular home, but what else do you have?" It can work in the savvy agent's favor if they know what they are doing.

Ray does not know what he is doing. The tenants do not want to buy the home. But, apparently he told them I was selling. And they have made it clear they are unhappy about this and they have stated they will NOT cooperate with any showings. And now they want to move.

Last Tuesday I sent Ray a note saying I think he and I have not been on the same page about marketing the home and perhaps we could talk later in the week. I had some ideas and would be willing to assist in social media so the work would not be all his. After all, I have a vested interest in getting this house sold.

I have not heard back.

I have since changed my strategy. As long as the tenants stay, the house will not be sold. If they move out, I will take it out of management and find some competent agent to sell the place. And, I happen to know a few savvy agents over there who aren't afraid of work.

In Other News

"What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away, in the end. You could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way." 

--Johnny Cash, Hurt

I just sent the listing paperwork to Luigi and his broker, Ray, to sell two of our homes. I have a myriad of emotions coursing through me right now. The two homes in question are very different. We are selling them for different reasons.

Both are homes we have with Mr. Partner. I am not sure Mr. Partner exactly knows they are being sold. Marty Sunshine told him recently we were going to do it. However, I suspect he hasn't completely grasped this.

To be continued.

Grayson Valley Update

I know this is going to come as a shock to nobody, but the idiots in the Grayson Valley House did not move out last weekend. Luigi went over to do his final walk-through only to find their worldly possessions happily collecting dust. The tenants weren't there, but apparently one adult child was, who didn't seem to grasp the magnitude of the event and let Luigi walk in and look around. Luigi, of course, set this up a week ago, so he had the right to enter anyway.

Not only is the house still occupied, but it isn't as spiffy as it was when Marty and I sunk a small fortune into it last year, getting it ready to rent and undoing the past five years' of Jack's neglect.

When he called me, Luigi didn't exactly elaborate in his voice mail and--to my liver's credit--I didn't call him back. All I know is that it isn't pretty and there is at least a broken window. I am sorta hoping the rest is just easy-to-take-of kinds of things. I did follow up with an e-mail saying I would be happy to discuss this on Friday. And let's talk then. Lucky me. Today is only Thursday.

Even Luigi is out of patience with these folks. And I never thought that could happen.

I regularly fantasize about finding a group of people who don't mind going back to prison and asking them if they want to go over and toss these yahoos out of my home. I won't do that of course. But it has quickly become my happy place.

Tomorrow, or maybe later today, I will fish through my files for the yellow pieces of paper this guy has been sending me on and off for the past few months, asking if I want to sell this particular home. It is an investor. I don't know that I want to sell this specific home right now, but I am opening to see what he has to say.

Random Bama

I may have forgotten to mention this, but last week Luigi managed to find a willing, qualified and capable tenant to rent my Pinson house. They didn't care what color the bathrooms were. They hadn't spoken to the nosy neighbor. They weren't bartering a can of paint for the security deposit. All they wanted to do was just move in.

The only drama that ensued was when I found out the particular tenant's name was Mr. Smith. I had a Mr. Smith. He lived in Moody and is on my top three most hated tenants of all time. Though I know it is a common name, before I agreed to rent my home to the new Mr. Smith, I verified it wasn't Michael Smith and his wife and children.

Though Ms. Amy seemed confused by my impassioned request to verify this (including please give me the guy's last four digits of his Social Security number so I can check it against my records), she helped me out. Once I was certain I wasn't dancing with the devil, I happily approved Mr. Smith.

One can never be too careful. 

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Kirby may be out of the property management business, but I am talking to him on a regular basis. You see, he is now an HVAC technician. One by one, he is checking on my homes and giving my HVAC units a tune-up. He says he is giving me the "friend discount"--which is really sweet, because I have a gazillion homes with air conditioners.

In addition to HVAC systems, he also happens to be a bit of a handyman. So, Ms. Angie is getting a front door and he is coordinating with Mrs. Sherwood to fix a few things at her home too.

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Carolsue e-mailed me today. In the event I may ever need such a service, she knows a guy who willingly removes snakes from one's rental homes. For free?! As an added incentive, if it turns out the snake is poisonous, he will pay $5 for the privilege.

He is now on my speed dial.

The Crazies

A few months ago, while minding my own business, my tenant in Grayson Valley called my new place of employment, didn't identify herself and proceeded to ask me a ton of personal questions about my rental home. She was not forthcoming with information and had a strong sense of entitlement. One could argue it ended badly, with me letting loose a few four-letter words at this complete stranger, all while surrounded by people who, up until that moment, really had no idea I swear like a sailor when I am furious. But in truth, the woman exhibited no boundaries and I was just guarding what is rightly mine.

A month later I found out she was secretly trying to buy my house by badgering some retiring Birmingham real estate professional to contact me to see if we would sell "his client" the house. Oh yes, she had given this real estate professional the wrong name, and mis-led him about a few other relevant facts. And, she did not want Marty Sunshine nor I to know it was her. Like we wouldn't find out? 

Fast-forward another month, going through Luigi, we offered the home for sale to her and her husband (who were now current on rent) at a ridiculous price. She responded back, saying she had applied for a mortgage and Luigi would be getting a call, and he had better give her a good reference. Of course, Luigi needs to tell the truth: that being she had been two months late on her rent--which would probably negate any chance she had to purchase a home. To do otherwise would constitute mortgage fraud and he would be in jail. The Feds don't mess around with mortgage fraud.

All was calm for a little while. Then April came and went. And once again, she didn't pay rent.

In May, now two months behind again, Ms. Amy called her while I was on one phone. Amy put the call on speaker phone so I could hear. The tenant didn't seem to be the least bit concerned rent was late. When Amy explained to her the eviction process was being started, the woman didn't say anything to indicate she had a care in the world. Instead, she just said she would get to the rent when she got to it. And what was the big deal? And for Heaven's sake! Just leave her alone. After all, it wasn't a big deal.

"You are two months' late and the owner has contacted an attorney. You will have an eviction on your record and no landlord will ever rent to you, mortgage companies won't lend you money, your wages will be garnished and you will have to pay for an attorney." Ms. Amy said as sweetly as possible. The woman didn't budge and the call ended.

While I was congratulating Ms. Amy for her cool head, Ms. Amy stopped me and said, "She is calling again. Hold on."

Ms. Amy put her on speaker phone again, just in time for me to hear this tenant say as innocently as possible, "Hello Ms. Amy, Did I just miss a call from you?"

I would tell you this tenant is nuts, but that really insults nutty people everywhere. A letter did go out to the folks. Later in the week the husband, realizing that "garnish wages" should be a real concern, contacted Luigi. In the letter he offered to pay the two months he owed "some time in June" and then asked how much we would lower their rent to entice them to stay another year.

I have idly wondered off and on for the past few months what kind of baggage they might have--given she has told everyone I have mentioned hear and in the next paragraph--how she works for an attorney and he is somewhere high on the food chain for a national bank. Gambling addiction? A secret mistress? Drug running? I have heard from all of the above Ms. Tenant has repeatedly bragged how the two of them are making six figures.

The gist is in theory, they are moving out this weekend. Luigi, and Kirby as a favor to me, are going over Monday to do a final walk-through and inspection. The reason Kirby is going is because he helped me last year when I remodeled the place and knows what kind of condition it was in when they moved in. I keep thinking the house will rent easily. It is a nice house. It is in a nice area. And hopefully these crazies are now out of my life.

And by the way, I still plan on garnishing.

Emily Post Doesn't Seem To Cover This

Because I work for a property management company, I happen to know a few inside secrets about how things are handled. One of the biggest is simply: do not to call a property management company the first week of the month. Please.

Those in the office are fielding calls left and right with people saying rent is on time, rent is late because some random event happened or they are moving out. Additionally, more repair requests come in the first week of the month. Tenants seem to feel more embolden right after rent is paid and are more likely to ask for a myriad of fixes they have stored up for the past three weeks waiting until some unsuspecting property management person answers the phone.

That said I am at a quandary. You see, Luigi, who has figured out the best way to get in touch with me is to text me at 5:30 a.m. my time, has done so every day this week. It isn't the 5:30 a.m. I mind too much. Truth be told, I tend to be awake most days by 5 a.m.--whether I want to be or not. In fact, I have told him this is the best time to reach me. As long as I don't have to contribute too much to the conversation.

Luigi apparently has taken to heart the relaxed boundaries I have set in place with him. He is texting first thing. So far this week, every day, some random tenant has had a this or that break. Most of the repairs happen to involve the words "air conditioning" and that isn't really improving my mood much.

But today, something bizarre happened. Luigi didn't text me. He didn't call. He didn't e-mail. It was eerily silent. My conundrum is this: is it appropriate to thank Luigi for taking the day off with burdening me with the news of another broken widget? Or, because it is the beginning of the month, is it more appropriate for me to just lay low and let him get through the first week of the month like the rest of us?