The Crazies

A few months ago, while minding my own business, my tenant in Grayson Valley called my new place of employment, didn't identify herself and proceeded to ask me a ton of personal questions about my rental home. She was not forthcoming with information and had a strong sense of entitlement. One could argue it ended badly, with me letting loose a few four-letter words at this complete stranger, all while surrounded by people who, up until that moment, really had no idea I swear like a sailor when I am furious. But in truth, the woman exhibited no boundaries and I was just guarding what is rightly mine.

A month later I found out she was secretly trying to buy my house by badgering some retiring Birmingham real estate professional to contact me to see if we would sell "his client" the house. Oh yes, she had given this real estate professional the wrong name, and mis-led him about a few other relevant facts. And, she did not want Marty Sunshine nor I to know it was her. Like we wouldn't find out? 

Fast-forward another month, going through Luigi, we offered the home for sale to her and her husband (who were now current on rent) at a ridiculous price. She responded back, saying she had applied for a mortgage and Luigi would be getting a call, and he had better give her a good reference. Of course, Luigi needs to tell the truth: that being she had been two months late on her rent--which would probably negate any chance she had to purchase a home. To do otherwise would constitute mortgage fraud and he would be in jail. The Feds don't mess around with mortgage fraud.

All was calm for a little while. Then April came and went. And once again, she didn't pay rent.

In May, now two months behind again, Ms. Amy called her while I was on one phone. Amy put the call on speaker phone so I could hear. The tenant didn't seem to be the least bit concerned rent was late. When Amy explained to her the eviction process was being started, the woman didn't say anything to indicate she had a care in the world. Instead, she just said she would get to the rent when she got to it. And what was the big deal? And for Heaven's sake! Just leave her alone. After all, it wasn't a big deal.

"You are two months' late and the owner has contacted an attorney. You will have an eviction on your record and no landlord will ever rent to you, mortgage companies won't lend you money, your wages will be garnished and you will have to pay for an attorney." Ms. Amy said as sweetly as possible. The woman didn't budge and the call ended.

While I was congratulating Ms. Amy for her cool head, Ms. Amy stopped me and said, "She is calling again. Hold on."

Ms. Amy put her on speaker phone again, just in time for me to hear this tenant say as innocently as possible, "Hello Ms. Amy, Did I just miss a call from you?"

I would tell you this tenant is nuts, but that really insults nutty people everywhere. A letter did go out to the folks. Later in the week the husband, realizing that "garnish wages" should be a real concern, contacted Luigi. In the letter he offered to pay the two months he owed "some time in June" and then asked how much we would lower their rent to entice them to stay another year.

I have idly wondered off and on for the past few months what kind of baggage they might have--given she has told everyone I have mentioned hear and in the next paragraph--how she works for an attorney and he is somewhere high on the food chain for a national bank. Gambling addiction? A secret mistress? Drug running? I have heard from all of the above Ms. Tenant has repeatedly bragged how the two of them are making six figures.

The gist is in theory, they are moving out this weekend. Luigi, and Kirby as a favor to me, are going over Monday to do a final walk-through and inspection. The reason Kirby is going is because he helped me last year when I remodeled the place and knows what kind of condition it was in when they moved in. I keep thinking the house will rent easily. It is a nice house. It is in a nice area. And hopefully these crazies are now out of my life.

And by the way, I still plan on garnishing.