Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Rain, Rain, Go Away

We desert dwellers don't have earthquakes, snow, sleet, mudslides, typhoons, hurricanes, tornadoes, and tsunamis.

We do have heat. We also have an occasional monsoon, where the rain will last about four hours and the temperature will drop to a brisk 75 degrees.

What we don't have is days of endless rain to delay the roofer who is scheduled to go out to Mrs. Green's house, remove the blue tarp and put on a brand spanking new roof! So, it looks like it will happen either later this week or sometime next week.

Friday, August 24, 2012

National Bliz Day

Happy Birthday to my dear, dear friend and bookkeeper Bliz. I am honored and blessed to call you my friend. I hope you have a wonderful day and a fantastic year.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Book Club with Diamond Jim

Diamond Jim is in town for a week or so. He has all sorts of accountant-y things to do, but managed to find time for breakfast with me. Our breakfasts often turn into a book club. His book today was The Twelfth Imam.

I am working on two books. The first one is an awesome book: Project Based Homeschooling written by my cyber-pal Lori (on sale right now on Amazon. This book is amazing for all parents--even if you aren't homeschooling). I am also reading a chick-lit book that I can't bring myself to discuss with Diamond Jim--not that he would want to hear about it anyway (and no, gray, or any other shade is not in the title). Besides, we used up all my end of the conversation on Project Based Homeschooling.

We had left our prospective books, just finished discussing the Stephen Drew trade (I am still in mourning about the Dbacks loosing their shortstop) when the insurance adjuster called. All is right in the world. Mrs. Green is getting a roof next week. And could I please call the contractor and pick the roof color?

As my business transitions, and as Diamond Jim actually retires and lives out his golden years in small town Oregon, I am going to need to find a new accountant. Hopefully the one who walks into my life next will be just as wonderful as Diamond Jim.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

All Kinds of Crazy

The insurance adjuster told me I would have my quote by noon today.

I didn't. Color me shocked.

At 12:03 p.m. Birmingham time, everyone with any power had heard from me, including but not limited to the adjuster's supervisor. Coincidentally, the insurance adjuster did manage to call me by 12:42 Birmingham time to update me. He gave me lots of detailed information, at which point I explained that if he had spent this much time answering these same questions yesterday when I asked them I wouldn't have had to escalate this to the powers that be today.

Personally, I don't have a lot of patience for insurance adjusters who brush me off with their version of "Don't worry your pretty little head about this." Which is what I told the insurance adjuster's supervisor at 12:57.

My situation is still in limbo. But now I have a much better idea of why there is a hold up. Simply put, the insurance adjuster dropped the ball and from what I understand, he has all kinds of crazy to answer for on his end too.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Been There, Done That

So. Mrs. Green has been missing a big chunk of her roof for weeks now. Me, the dutiful landlord has been doing everything conceivable to remedy this, short of hauling myself to Birmingham, buying some tar paper and putting this roof back on myself. Though, it did occur to me that the whole process might have been a tad bit faster if I had.

In the event you have never filed an insurance claim, let me educate you. For, I have filed many.

After the niceties have been taken care of--everyone safe? everyone's possessions out of the way? No future disasters pending, such as, but not limited to impending fire or more water damage? Ok. Good. Now then...

The first item of business is to contact the insurance company who has your policy. You will answer a few questions, giving specifics, and allowing an adjuster to view the damage for themselves. If you are unclear as to if it is worth contacting the insurance company, do it anyway. As it was explained to me BY THE INSURANCE COMPANY when I was dithering about this a few weeks ago, "Bless your heart. That's why you have insurance in the first place."

The next step (which is usually done concurrently) is to contact some person specialized in fixing the said damage. In my case, it was two roofers. The first one flaked out. The second roofer gave a quote to me that was akin to the GDP of a small third world nation. According to my doctor, I have a strong heart. According to Marty Sunshine, I need to breathe slowly into a paper bag.

After these two items are completed, the insurance adjuster will kindly issue a check, the roofer will get the work done and the tenant in question will live in a home with an intact roof happily ever after.

Except with my insurance company. For those of you who might remember back to the good old days of 2008, the insurance adjuster only worked on Tuesdays. Therefore, if I did not get in touch with the particular adjuster on a given Tuesday, I was out of luck until the following week.

Additionally, the company in question (back in August 2008) gave me pittance for the home where the tenant took everything from the carpet to the kitchen sink (not to mention the copper pipes). According to the adjuster at the time, it was "normal wear and tear."

Eventually everything was escalated, Marty Sunshine supplied me with lots of paper bags and it got worked out with considerable drama (you can read the stories in the blog archives if you are so inclined). By the way, I use this insurance company only because I have a zillion homes and there are some complications to getting home owner's insurance when one owns a zillion homes.

Fast forward to August 2012. Another house with yet a very legitimate claim. The only thing the same is the sting of rejection from years gone by.

In this case, the master bedroom doesn't have a ceiling. A representative from my insurance company told me I "needed" to file a claim, as I am paying for insurance for disasters. It stands to reason this is pretty open and shut.

Yet, the adjuster's voice mail says he only returns calls on Fridays. However, he does not return phone calls until I escalated this to Defcon 5--and only then did he do so begrudgingly, telling me I will have a quote "later in the week." When I did talk to him today he cryptically told me he was still working on my file. As I explained, my tenants were still working with a missing roof.

I am under the distinct impression that the roofer and the adjuster are worlds apart, which means the insurance company doesn't want to shell out anything they don't have to. Not that I am bitter from last time or anything. But experience really is the best teacher.

Monday, August 20, 2012

My Type-A Personality is Reeling

I am on week three of the insurance adjuster drama I haven't taken time to write about.

To summarize: the insurance adjuster still can't be bothered to get in touch with me. Yes, the situation has been escalated. No. It isn't helping.

Yes my tenants are frustrated. And so am I.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Good News, Bad News

Good news! Red found Ms. Kathy.

Bad news! Ms. Kathy is under the mistaken impression she paid a "last month's rent" when she moved in. (I sweetly told her to check her lease. No she didn't).

Good news! Ms. Kathy seems to think she needs to be gone in 10 days.

Bad news! I have another tenant moving out this month too.

Good news! With Ms. Kathy gone, my sanity may return soon.

Bad news! I am going to have two vacant homes in less than three weeks. My sanity will probably hide under the covers until further notice.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Insert Swearing and Sound Effects Here

My Cyber-Pal Lori, has mentioned from time to time that I need my own reality show. The other day I explained that if the public wanted to see a crazed woman swearing they could watch "Jersey Shore." They don't need me.

My life is not set up for a reality show. But even if I didn't mind camera crews following me around and my face out for the masses to view, this wouldn't work for a variety of reasons.

1. I am actually painfully shy. So, right there it blows the idea out of the water. Camera crews would see more closed doors or get more footage of Buckaroo sparring with his stuffed bear than they would of me.

2. Logistics. I am over here. My homes are over there. Viewers would see me staring dumbly at my phone waiting for text messages to never arrive. Viewers would see me getting stupid e-mails at midnight (which is about when I check my e-mail these days). The producers would probably add sound effects just to point out to the four viewers (my brothers and my parents) that the e-mail was bad news, though my viewers would probably figure this out from the string of obscenities that would leave my mouth.

Which reminds me, anyone else find it utterly annoying in Pawn Stars when sound effects are added right after Rick tells someone they aren't getting the $50,000 for their grandmother's autographed picture of some B-list celebrity?

3. If everyone did pay on time it would be jumping the shark don't you think? After all, where's the drama in that?

4. My marriage is functional. My kids are normal. We lead a dull, pedestrian life (outside of rental homes in Alabama), complete with scouts and karate. We would have to manufacture family drama. And we all know that doesn't happen in reality shows (insert lame sound effect here). 

5. I doubt the camera crews would be allowed into the insurance adjuster's office to see an empty desk and a ringing phone (which reminds me, I still owe a blog about Ms. Green's roof. Trust me. Even after two weeks all you are missing out on is a string of obscenities.).

6. The camera crews would still be waiting for Kirby to call them back to film last week's episode. For that matter, I am still waiting for Kirby to call me back.

7. Nobody, and I mean nobody, North of the Tennessee River and West of the Mississippi River could possibly understand Ms. Angie. Even when she isn't upset.

8. There will not be camera crews in my home filming me at 5 a.m. when the phone rings from some perky Alabama tenant, proudly wanting to let me know they just mailed the rent on time, but yet can't comprehend Daylight Savings Time and is utterly confused as to why I am still sleeping.

9. The juicy stuff that happens can't be filmed (or blogged). Just saying...

Though I don't think a reality show is in my immediate future, I can tell you this, my tenants make great story and blog fodder. And someday they will all be prominently featured in the Great American Novel.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Eating My Words

About six weeks ago I got a call from friends of mine. They are accidental landlords because the husband was deployed to Arkansas around 2008 and could not sell their home for what they owe. They have been stressing out about this in one way or another since they started the process.

Part of the reason they were stressing was, for them, this was their happily ever after home. It wasn't a piece of meat they bought for the single purpose of cash flow and tax deductions. They like the carpet color. They like the wall color. They like the back yard. The other reason they are stressing is they happen to read this blog (and may have heard a behind the scenes story or two) and they know exactly what tenants are capable of.

So, back to this phone call. Shawn, the husband, called wanting some advice. He has tenants who were supposed to move out, but they are asking about staying for three more months. Should he let them stay the three months, missing out on the prime rental season when they leave in October? Or should he let them stay because the known is a lot less scary than the unknown? After all a tenant in the hand...

Oh! I should also mention the tenants in question were holding his rent check hostage until he made a decision (suggesting they weren't going to pay if they were moving out).

I should back up a teensy bit here, the tenants had been varying shades of royal pain in the rear for pretty much the duration of the lease. Shawn would call, reasonably demand they fix the broken window/get rid of the king cobra/pay the rent. They would parlay, giving Shawn the unfortunate impression they understood and agreed to everything Shawn said. Shawn in turn would go on his merry way, relieved, only to find out the tenants just wanted him off their back. Two months later they would lather, rinse and repeat the entire exchange.

Anyway, back to the phone call (once again). Shawn called me wanting advice on what to do with these yahoos. I forgot my manners as I barked into the phone. "Kick them out. Don't look back. They are making you crazy. And furthermore, they don't respect you. They are playing you for a fool."

His instant silent reply from my marching orders made me realize this was probably not an option he was seriously exploring when he called. He was looking for ways to get along and make the whole Shawn-tenant thing work out properly.

The good news is Shawn did get rid of them (not without a fair-share of drama and expense) and now has wonderful tenants.

I bring this up because last week Ms. Kathy's rent check did not come. If you might recall, she gave me this song and dance about rent being a priority now. On Thursday I texted her and asked what day she mailed it. On Friday I texted her and said "I take it since you didn't reply to my text you didn't mail it."

On Saturday I got an e-mail from her saying she would be sending $100 this week and $50 thereafter starting next Friday. I didn't reply. On Sunday night I got yet another e-mail from her saying, "Oops. I don't have that $100. But I will send you $50 this next Friday."

My words to Shawn and Lynn have been ringing in my ears. "Kick them out. Don't look back. They are making you crazy. And furthermore, they don't respect you. They are playing you for a fool."

Today I called Red, one of my process servers. I also called Ms. Kathy's place of employment, let her boss misunderstand that perhaps a flower delivery might be coming for Ms. Kathy and what time was Ms. Kathy working (so that Red could deliver the eviction notice. Perhaps he will pluck a daisy to go with it)? I also called a low-cost attorney I found from Kirby.

As she is month-to-month, I really don't have to evict Ms. Kathy. However, I tried the just-move-out route in 30 days before. Though I got rent, I did not get a long-term solution that makes me happy (seriously? $50 next week???)

This will not be cheap. I will not get the kind of rent I am getting from Ms. Kathy (when I get rent). I will have some repairs I haven't budgeted. Mr. Partner is MIA right now. I don't know how this is going to turn out. But at least Ms. Kathy's silly drama is soon to be over and she can go play some other landlord for the fool.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Well, That Sucks

I suppose I have that completely wrong attitude about this--especially because I have been wronged, but I hate it anyway.

It looks like I have to file a malpractice claim against my Late Former Attorney. Still waiting to hear if it will affect his surviving spouse and children--not that it will make this decision any different.

Crap.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Flipping Tired

There is soooo much to write about these days. But, you will just have to bear with me today. Buckaroo, with a bout of insomnia, woke me up so many times last night to announce he couldn't sleep that today I am one breath short of reenacting a domestic zombie apocalypse B-movie.

But, allow me to stay awake long enough to announce to my six readers: Flip the Attorney is all kinds of Awesome!!!!!

Last week, I got an e-mail from a former tenant who--until recently--didn't know there was an issue at hand that the Late Attorney Jon hadn't resolved. Mrs. C. told me she would do whatever she could to help me out. She could have said, "Too bad. Sue me." which would have made me cry.

Last night (or early this morning--and long before Buckaroo's insomnia got the best of me) I got an e-mail from Flip at 1 a.m. his time asking me questions about the other property in question. And, I even got e-mails from him today, where he copied me on letters to title companies and the county recorder's office, with words like "forthwith," "whence" and "hereto".

I love lawyer-speak--when the lawyer is on my side.

I am so grateful to have Mrs. C's issue almost resolved. And hopefully the other one will go as smoothly. Now, off for a nap. Or caffeine.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

A Flood of Suggestions

I happen to consider myself a practical person. I thought most people were practical until I became a landlord. For whatever reason, "practical" seems to fly out the window in the most stupendous fashion when tenants are faced with no-brainer tasks.

For example, Mr. and Mrs. Green have an unfortunate situation. They have accidentally inherited a skylight in their master bedroom. This happened early Tuesday morning when a portion of the roof collapsed. Today is Thursday. I have called two roofers who are swamped. One has promised me a tarp twice in two days. However, nothing has happened as of yet. I know this because I am getting regular updates on the situation from both Mr. and Mrs. Green.

The insurance adjuster is a whole 'nuther story, worthy of its own blog (stay tuned). But the fact remains, there is a gaping hole in the roof and the Greens can see daylight, or stars, or depending upon the weather, running water.

It stands to reason, if this is a situation they are having to deal with, they might be motivated to do something about it. After all, THERE IS WATER COMING DOWN ON THEIR MASTER BED.

Instead, I have gotten about twenty seven calls an hour for the last two days, reminding me the roof hasn't been tarped. Try as I may, I don't have a magic landlord wand to make this happen. I have suggested to them that they might want to take matters into their own hands. You know, haul their collectively wet butts the 1/8 of a mile to the local Orange Big Box hardware store and buy a tarp.

"We don't have a ladder." Mr. Green lamented.

I know first-hand that that particular store rents ladders. I also know first-hand that Mr. Green's next door neighbor owns a ladder. I have used it. Otherwise, perhaps someone they know or a member of their church might own a ladder and be willing to help. I suggested both to him and he feigned the same type of confusion Buckaroo gives me when he doesn't want to wash dishes.

At this point, I am really under the impression what they are expecting is for me to get on a plane in the next hour, fly out to Birmingham. Buy a tarp and either rent a ladder or borrow one from the next door neighbor and put the tarp on their roof. At which point, I will need to immediately fly back to Phoenix to await a phone call from the MIA insurance adjuster (Spoilers. Sorry.).

I have always considered the Greens to be practical people, who have managed to find their way thus far in their life with little issue. I am sure, if they are properly motivated they will figure this out too.