Anti-Service

To give you a brief back story: my home on Hysteria Lane has been vacant for almost a month. I have been frantically e-mailing Bruce, Mario's minion asking questions. I gave the directive early this month: "price the place competitively." I have repeatedly asked what was going on and didn't get an answer.

Then early this week I got some sort of automatic e-mail telling me, great news! I had one showing this month. And because Bruce is continually ignoring me, I contacted Mario and asked what was going on. Mario, who really is probably the biggest jerk jackass I have never had the pleasure of meeting, told me that some dude named Willy is my contact.

And then Mario told me I should know that, duh!

When I responded saying I was frustrated because this very nice home which should easily rented wasn't and that I didn't feel Mario and his minions were giving it any priority, Mario sent me a snarky defensive note and there was no mistaking his annoyance.

He apparently disagreed and told me 1) I was the one who priced the house too high (I wasn't involved in the pricing, and besides, it was the same amount the home has been rented for since 2004) and 2) Willy had been keeping in touch with me and why wasn't I working with him? The subtext was "shut the hell up you stupid Yankee woman."

I finally dug up the one and only note from Willy written to me on July 10. It said:

Hey,

Bruce asked me to reach out to you and let you know that we are going to get your property out for lease ASAP.

Thank you,

W

I have a pet peeve about strangers staring e-mails to me with, "Hey". In Alabama, I am pretty sure it is poor manners too. But I digress.

I did forward that particular e-mail to Mario along with this message: 

Mario: This is the sum and total of Willy's communication with me. This doesn't tell me he is in charge of leasing my home. He makes it sound like he is just doing Bruce a quick favor. This e-mail is from July 10. That's it. 

I haven't heard back from Mario. However, if the place isn't rented by Monday, we will be pulling it from Mario's property management clutches. I am guessing at this point, he probably won't be too upset.

Carolsue tells me the home is too classy for Mario's typical slum homes. Hm... Maybe that's the problem.

Slick Rick

So last week, Slick Rick calls me after I innocently inquired what my Calera home is worth. Slick works with Mario and his delightful, yet timid, minion Bruce--who happens to be the bright spot in Mario's entire organization. To back up, Slick sent me an e-mail with the following (in this order):

Hi I am Slick Rick

I charge 6 percent to sell your house.

I sold a house in Calera three years ago so I know the area.

What do you want to sell your house for?

After some gentle nudging and suggesting from me that I needed to know what the home is worth before I decided what I wanted to sell it for, Slick threw out an outrageous value of $98,000 for my four bedroom, 2,500 square-foot, 10year old home.

And that is where the fun began.

After explaining to Slick I thought the home was worth more and giving him logical reasons why, Slick responded, telling me he was the expert. His e-mail was full of condescending snark. He also re-iterated he charged 6 percent to sell my home. And sign here so we can get this party started.

I was amused by his e-mails, primarily because I already knew I wasn't going to hire him. Ever.

Playing along, I told him I recently put my home in Alabaster for sale at a rate much higher. I explained the type of home and neighborhood (giving specifics) were similar to this one in Calera.

Slick wrote me back saying, "Did you get any calls on it?"

Me: "No. But the agent I hired to list the home did. I got a rental application on it before we got a contract. So it is a rental for another year."

At which point Slick apparently woke up and did some research and realized I own more than two homes. And all of the sudden his attitude changed. I have homes! I want to sell them! As far as he was concerned, he could be the guy who does this for me.

Then I got another e-mail. He said perhaps his comp was low. Perhaps we might have started off on the wrong foot? And what was my phone number? He would love to chat with me and find a "solution" to help me sell my home. Let's talk!

I gave him my number and said he was welcome to call, but as far as I was concerned, the house was going back up for rent and at this time it would not be going up for sale. And, I know you will be shocked by this, but I haven't heard from him since.

A Ray of Hope-ish

I got an offer on my redneck hovel in Leeds. Actually, I got the offer last week. It is a low-low offer. Though I am not against the price exactly, I was totally against the terms. Let's just say, it isn't a win-win.

When Ray sent me the offer last Thursday, all he wrote was "I don't like the seller. They don't always close." And then I didn't hear from him until Monday afternoon, though I asked him several questions Thursday such as: how do we counter this to a more amenable offer?

By Monday I had already called Luigi to complain about Ray's lack of initiative and Luigi--who is probably sick of my weekly examples of how I would sell a house if I were Ray (or anyone else for that matter)--apparently had a little chat with Ray. It seems Ray has changed his tune from, "Do whatever you want, I don't care if you sell this house," to "How can I help you, Mrs. Landlord who has a gazillion homes you want to sell and if I do this well you may call me again to help you."

In the case of this particular offer, I decided to pass. I am not excited about the crazy terms. For example, if I want some other closing attorney other than Flip, I can pay for them on my own AND pay for their closing attorney. Additionally, the earnest money they are proposing putting down to hold this home for them is about par with the hourly wage of a small Guatemalan sweatshop apprentice. And, let's not forget my favorite: in order to make this sale go through, they need the social security number of the tenant before their inspection period is over with--though I don't know why.

It does seem Ray is a bit more responsive to me as a client. It is too bad Luigi had to have another pep talk with him to make this happen. And sadly, Ray is still much, much better than Slick Rick in Calera.

A Plethora of Dumbasses

I think I spend 83.76 percent of my time when I first start working with a client explaining Zillow, Truila and the rest of the Internet real estate sites are not their friends. There are many reasons for this and if you want a list, feel free to privately contact me and expect to spend an hour of your time listening to my reasons. But it boils down to this: They are often wrong. Often.

Zillow, et. al. is good for figuring out a ballpark price for a neighborhood. And I often use it for such when I am stuck myself and want an idea of what I can expect. But I use it only for a benchmark.

I say this because Slick Rick got back to me. He tells me my 2,500 square foot, 9 year old home on Hysteria Lane is worth $98,000. Mind you the home in Waterford--which is less than two miles away, the same age and half the size is worth more than that. Also my home in Alabaster which is slightly smaller but similar in age, appearance and neighborhood, is worth much, much more than that.

Heck! For that matter, Ray is allegedly listing my redneck hovel in Leeds for more than that (though I expect I will get less than $98k when all is said and done).

So pardon me if I don't believe Slick. Mind you, he didn't send me sales comps. He just sent me an e-mail today telling me my home was worth $98k, letting me know (again) he charges 6 percent and how hard he works for it, and what price did I want to list the home for?

And though I loathe Zillow, I did do a quick glance on it to see what I could expect. Zillow's estimate is much closer to what I was expecting. And they gave me sales comparables.

All Slick has told me thus far is he doesn't want my business. And I guarantee when I go to sell this house, he will not be my agent.

Nausea on Hysteria Lane

It appears the tenant on Hysteria Lane moved out in the middle of the night. Actually, she waltzed in to Mario's office Monday, straight to Bruce's desk and slapped down the keys, proudly saying she was out of my home and out of their life. At that point, Bruce politely reminded her she signed a two year lease and she was on the hook for the rest of the rent whether she liked it or not.

I am guessing she forgot about that second year.

I have asked Bruce about three times why she moved out, and he hasn't responded. My gut tells me it is because I wouldn't compensate her for her "troubles" when she flooded my home last February. Of course, had she not flooded my home, she wouldn't have had trouble, but that's just how I look at it.

When Bruce told me about this (he e-mailed me because he is afraid I will yell--or so I have been told), I asked him how much the home was worth. In all fairness, I am pretty sure we are upside down, or at least close to even on this particular property. It is in a nice neighborhood and rents quickly, so I don't see any reason to dump it at this time. I have never asked for comps before and frankly, I just didn't know what to expect. So, I asked.

Bruce grossly misinterpreted my question and sent me another e-mail (bless his heart). He stated me he was sorry to loose this house and my business, he would immediately take down the sign and he would have someone contact me right away about listing it.

True to his word, Slick Rick sent me an e-mail three seconds later. Slick told me he was familiar with the area because he sold one home there years earlier and he charges 6 percent. And by the way, he didn't have any idea what the home was worth, but what did I want to sell it for?

Between Bruce, Slick and Ray (who is allegedly listing the home in Leeds) I have to wonder how any of these folks make a living.

Leedsing Me On

So, Ray got back to me and said he was going to list the home at the exact same number Zillow suggests my home is worth. It isn't that I don't believe Zillow's "zestimate"--but they are not the best judge of comps. The price Ray quoted me seems about $7,000 higher than it should be.

When he gave me the magic listing price, I said, "If you are good with that, I am good with that." I am guessing he will come back to me in two weeks and say, "the price is too high." At which point I will ask what he has done to market the home.

Though I know this is Ray's job, I may advertise it in some other markets and see what comes of this. There may be investors who are ready to move their portfolios into the Birmingham market. You never know? Frankly, I would like to leave this task to Ray, but it took him a month to put the property on his own multiple listing service.

That said, the home is allegedly listed. I am now crossing my fingers and toes this place does sell. Soon.

P.S. Women Do Not Keep Leather Couches in Their Garage

Dear Joe,

May I call you Joe? Thanks.

I was in your home today. Actually, I was in Mitch and Tonya's home today. You just live there. You haven't met Mitch and Tonya. They are awesome clients and even more awesome friends. I sold them the home you currently reside in. This past week, while at lunch with Tonya, she tells me Lisa--her tenant--has been acting funny lately.

You know Lisa don't you? She is on the lease for the home you live in. You, by the way, aren't. In fact, you aren't supposed to be there at all. but I digress...

Anyway, according to Tonya (your defacto Landlord) Lisa has been acting peculiar. She is in the medical profession and rent is constantly late. That's a red flag. An HOA violation came in recently and when Tonya called Lisa about it, she said, "I will find out whose car that is." Instead of something like, "Oh, I don't know anything about this" or a simple, "It won't happen again." And then there is the fact a man was seen leaving the townhome with a sweet little girl recently. Lisa doesn't have a little girl. She has two well-grown teen daughters.

All of these comments Tonya mentioned during our lunch made my sixth sense kicked in. I would like to tell you I have the gift of prophecy, but it is really more like, been there, done that. In the landlord vernacular, excuses means problems. Lisa has recently been full of them.

So, Mitch and Tonya opted for an inspection. I tagged along as well. Lisa was gracious and told us, though she would not be home at the time, we were welcome to come in and look around. And this is where you come in Joe.

There are many, many reasons why your ruse did not work. And, in the future, if you are ever trying to fake out a landlord who does not know you are living in their home, and more importantly, you are supposed to be a divorced woman with weekend custody of your teen daughters, you might want to adhere to the following:

Though you left the place relatively clean today, the bathtub is black. Women do not have black bathtubs.

Women do have black shoes. Whether sneakers, stilettos or Toms, we own at least one pair of black shoes. Always. In fact, we own shoes. If you took the time to shove various extra-large polyester dresses and 1970's grandma print long sleeve shirts into the closet, you might have thought to put in a pair of shoes and perhaps even a pair of pants.

Though this is a delicate subject, it disturbs me greatly what kind of scam you were putting on. Women do not proudly display a Costco sized box (unopened) of feminine hygiene products on a self six feet above the potty. Ever. However, I give you props for the feminine touch on that one, because that's about the only place we saw anything girly.

And for example, when it comes to being girly, single women do not have six-foot lithographs of Joe Camel proudly displayed on their entry wall. Women do have some sort of beverage on hand at all times. Even if we aren't expecting company, one can find anything from bottled water to diet soda to a bottle of wine in any woman's pantry.

And yes, did I mention Lisa was single? This is why a pillow with her married last name embroidered on it as the only accessory in the sparse living room is a bit of a jolt. If I were divorced and kept my ex's name, I certainly wouldn't want a pillow with his name and the words, "circa 1995" on it.

And let's talk about the teen daughters. They are too old to share one bed. And, the clothes in the room are for a much, much smaller child. Also, just as an FYI: the turtle in your daughter's aquarium is dead. Women notice dead critters in their homes.

Once we started putting the pieces together, it got even more awkward. You see, though you took a lot of effort to cover up your tracks (and suggest Lisa had a very ugly wardrobe), you left a relatively conspicuous pile of legal papers, outlining your probationary terms as well as letters from lawyers. Given the number of envelopes and some of the dates, it appears you have a lot of baggage you have now brought into Mitch and Tonya's life stemming back as far as Lisa's pillow.

Though I am sure your mother thinks you are all kinds of awesome, Mitch and Tonya did not agree to rent to you. And, if they had known Lisa was going to pull this kind of a shenanigan, they wouldn't have rented to Lisa either. Which reminds me, where is Lisa? Is she in the suitcase? Or are you possibly wearing the paisley orange and sunburst yellow caftans and a wig (and obviously walking around barefoot) on a regular basis? Or was it that Lisa couldn't handle being alone and moved in with some guy? Instead of breaking her lease she did everyone a "favor" and decided to put together this ruse?

You should know, Joe, Lisa will not be happy if you leave the place a disaster. Arizona is a very friendly landlord state and Lisa will be on the hook and have her wages garnished for any damage you do.

At this moment, I am sure Mitch and Tonya are evaluating their options and you will soon find out your fate. They weren't excited today when we went in. Neither was I. These are good people who deserve better than the liars and crooks they are now dealing with.

Sincerely,

The Landlord

No Leads for Leeds

About a week ago I had a chat with Luigi about my frustrations with Ray's work ethic. My goal was to come across professionally and not as a whiner. When we hung up, I felt I had successfully done what I intended to do.

I conveyed that I was surprised at Ray's inability to cooperate and list the homes (the one in Leeds is all he has left) like he is contracted to do. I was disappointed Ray only filled out the commission instructions of the six page listing agreement, leaving me to put in my own terms. I shared how I have asked him to call me about marketing the home and yet I haven't heard word one from him. I explained that I was puzzled that he wasn't using this listing as an opportunity to drum up more business for himself and the property management company he works for. After all, one listing can be worth several sales if done right.

Though it was a phone call, I got the impression Luigi had face-palmed his forehead and was shaking his head on the other end as he agreed with my analysis. He didn't make excuses for Ray, only saying he thought this would have been a great opportunity for him and he was unsure what the holdup was. Luigi promised to speak with Ray and get things sorted out.

My last two weeks were complicated and though I fantasized about selling all of my Alabama homes several times last week (as I do on a regular basis), I didn't really put much realistic hope anything was getting done. This week, I looked up my Leeds address to see if the major home sale real estate sites had picked up the listing. Nothing.

So, I e-mailed both Luigi and Ray again. I simply asked what had been done. Luigi wrote me back saying Ray was out of town and he would check into it. My reply was terse: I don't beg people to take my money. So if Ray isn't interested, just let me know. I have better ways to extend my energy and I can think of two agents off the bat I would be happy to give the listing to.

Today Ray wrote me back. He would happily list my home, I just needed to give him a dollar amount to offer the home for sale. I didn't pop a vein, but I did reply with another terse comment, explaining he has given me a $30,000 range of what this home is worth, but has yet to provide me with any comps. As I don't have a real estate license in Alabama, I am relying on Ray, a real estate professional, and his expertise to guide me into making an informed decision.

I did not cc Luigi. But I was darn tempted.

If I can make a bold prediction, Ray will do absolutely nothing with this listing. It will not get on MLS. Or if it does, it will not be on there correctly. I will never get an accurate assessment of what the home is worth (Zillow says the high end of Ray's prediction--he significantly lowered the price once he found out work was involved--not that Zillow is terribly accurate, but right now Zillow is working harder for me than Ray is). I further predict about two weeks from now I will have another come-to-terms meeting with Luigi, Ray's boss. Meanwhile, the home is rented and eventually the listing will expire.