Why Indeed?

I am not exactly a fan of Facebook. I am on there because my brothers, sister-in-law, cousins and a handful of friends are also on there. In fact, one my most recent friend acquisitions was actually Bliz--which is pretty funny when you consider she and I talk more through Twitter.

I have noticed there is also the other echelon of Facebook friends--those I knew 20 to 30 years ago and never bothered to keep in touch with. Now I remember why. Of course, these are always the people who monopolize the majority of the updates.

Take Debbie for example. She is having issues with her landlord, giving the rest of us the play-by-play drama. Apparently there was a plumbing issue, causing (she said) sewage to leak into a portion of the master bathroom and bedroom. She took the time to post pictures too. It looked like basic water damage to me. But I am not a plumber and I am not living there.

It doesn't sound pleasant, but Debbie is blaming the landlord for this. From what I understand, this is a home built in the past 5 years. She has been living there for a good portion of a year. However, because the landlord owns the home, it is his fault.

In addition to him being solely responsible for the plumbing issue, she has been regularly updating her posts with variation of how uncooperative the landlord is about getting this fixed. For example, this happened Wednesday afternoon. It took two hours for the restoration company showed up. I was impressed at that level of service. Debbie wasn't. The insurance adjuster didn't come until first thing Thursday. I waited 10 days for Finn. The repairs are being made Saturday and should be completed the same day. She had to wait three days before she "gets her house back." Three days for repairs? To me, that sounds like a dream come true.

Granted, this sounds like a major inconvenience. I am sure it is rightfully unpleasant and nobody should have to deal with it. However, apparently the mess or the (presumable) stench it isn't bad enough for Debbie and her family to leave for a family member's couch for a few days.

Debbie's last posting mentioned the insurance adjuster told the landlord the tenants were looking to file a claim for rent because they are living in these conditions. According to her post, the landlord is furious. Though she is denying this, Debbie wanted to know why the landlord would believe the adjuster.

I can tell you why! She probably did say something--several somethings--giving this impression. The adjuster probably has seen this type of tenant and/or this type of situation before--with the tenant claiming they have been damaged (let's not confuse "damage" and "inconvenienced," there are two other working bathrooms and three other bedrooms). The adjuster has nothing to loose, nor does he have anything to gain from making this up.

When I have a high maintenance tenant who manufactures drama, I am not quick to take their word for it either.

Request

Hello!

I would like to ask a favor from my readers.

I would like to know what is of value in this blog. I often get comments that this blog is interesting, but I am looking for specifics about what is useful as a potential or current tenant/landlord/investor/casual observer with a lust for someone else's drama.

I am gathering research. I would really appreciate any and all feedback--even if you don't own a rental. You are welcome to e-mail me or leave a post.

Thanks!

What Comes Around...

Before Mr. Richards was beamed up, he took the dishwasher and the stove with him. The lawn mower is also missing, so I am guessing there is a charitable neighbor on that block.

However, Mr. Richards did leave a refrigerator with meat in it. The power had been off for weeks. He also left behind a summons to appear in court last May. And paperwork for the title-pawn shop. I guess he isn't seeing that car any time soon.

Mr. Richards. I will catch up with you. I promise.

Sorry, It Only Impressed the Heck Out of Me

As someone who manages a gazillion properties, I recently received a marketing package from the company that runs credit for me. I suspect they mistook me for an unsophisticated yokel with a single digit IQ.

The "package" they were selling was a "presentation solution" to give to potential landlords (sent to me presumably thinking I was a company that manages other people's rentals) to sway them to use me. I am sorry I threw out the letter which gave me the price for this presentation solution. I really am.

Here is the "Presentation Solution" they were providing me: an orange two pocket paper folder with three metal brad fasteners in the middle to hold the additional papers. A savvy shopper, could probably find the same folder at Wal-Mart for about 39 cents.

On the outside--as part of their demonstration, there is a typed post-it that says (and I am not making this up):

Deliver a "Tenant presentation" package that will

impress the hell out of a landlord

so he'll look to YOU for future tenants

and NOT your competition!

On the next page, in the first pocket was the following post it and sample lease application. Note the word "report" is missing a letter.

And, what a helpful hint about the business card. By the way, nowhere in their presentation solution is this company's name or contact number. I am not sure if I thought this gimmick up, I would include my name or number either.

This is the sample credit report in the middle of the folder, firmly affixed with metal fasteners. Yes, the printing really is crooked on the post-it.

A free orange two-pocket folder for the first person who can name two grammar errors. If you can find a third, then I will throw in the contents (it is really there).

And what presentation solution would be complete without the UPC sticker still stuck on the back of the folder!

The New and Improved Martin House

The house is ready for a family! Hopefully it will be rented out this weekend. There are three bedrooms upstairs, and one downstairs (on the other side of the shrub on the right side of steps).

Marty Sunshine likes barn houses. I am not crazy about them. But, it is a spacious home. It is in a quiet neighborhood and has a nice sized yard.


This is an old picture of the master bedroom. It was yellow, purple with pink trim when I saw it in June.


This is an old picture of the living room. Thanks to James, the carpeting has been changed. Thanks to Carolsue, the walls have been painted.

This is the new and improved kitchen. The varnish on the cabinets was worn. Carolsue painted the cabinets (and some of the ceramic tiles) and the walls. James added the floor.



The rest of the kitchen. The walls were originally blood red.

A Real How-To Book

When I opt to change professions, I am going to write a book on real estate investing. Yes, I know there are real estate investing books out there. But the ones I have seen tend to gloss over the parts that really need much more explanation.

I have yet to see a real estate investing book or seminar that really goes into the true essence of being a landlord. All the books out there currently talk about real estate as a stream of income. As a long term investment. As a way to convert cash to an asset.

Whatever.

The books (and seminars) don't talk about when the economy tanks. If your tenants can't pay the rent because they have been laid off, it becomes your problem--whether is should be your problem or not.

The books don't talk about when the market goes down what happens then. If you wish to keep your credit score intact, you have to suffer through the idiots who whine about how their electricity bill and the rent are due the same day.

The books don't tell you what you are supposed to do when someone trashes your house. Yes, there is insurance. How much do you re-fix up the house? Really nice to attract a good quality tenant? Or just enough to attract the kind of person who will vandalize your home next time around?

The books don't tell you where you can find a crystal ball that will accurately predict if the house next door to you will eventually turn into a flop house, thus negating your ability to attract a quality tenant to your house?

The books don't tell you where you can find a good plumber/electrician/roofer who doesn't see dollar signs in their eyes when you call the to fix the broken gizmo and they find out you are a landlord. Because, aren't landlords rich?

My book will cover this. And more. Of course, nobody who read the book would probably want to be an investor at that point anyway. My book will not cover what to do when the tenant calls at 2 a.m. because the toilet overflowed. Because no tenant calls at 2 a.m. with an overflowing toilet.

As a real estate agent, I refuse to work with first time investors who are pumped because they spent the weekend prior at a a real estate investment seminar. Or worse, one who has read the latest it-is-easy-to-invest-in-real-estate-and-be-rich-next-week book. These first time investors are going to learn what the seminars and books don't really go into. And, when things do inevitably happen, I don't want them blaming me, the agent, for their school of hard knocks.

Really, I am Not Making This Up

There is a man in the Birmingham Police Force named--and I am not making this up--Officer Hooie.

I spoke with Officer Hooie on Wednesday morning when I finally got around to filing charges against the 508. Filing felony charges was actually a lot more satisfying than I expected. And, I got to fill him in on all the stuff I can't write about in this blog.

I don't know if the District Attorney's Office really will go after these clowns for vandalism. But I sure felt better. And, Office Hooie now has something to discuss around the water cooler.

Let the Garnishment Begin

The aliens apparently beamed Mr. Richards back to the mothership about two weeks ago. This is according to Red, who heard it from the neighbor. The neighbor happened to be awake at 2 a.m. when Mr. Richards skulked over, packed up a truck and headed out to places unknown.

According to Red, he left behind a great deal of his possessions. So, Carolsue will have a delightful time holding a yard sale or subcontracting Billy (the Martin home's next door neighbor) to haul everything to the dump.

There are some things that baffle me. The lawn was mowed this week--front and back. Carolsue stuck a note on door last Sunday. It disappeared on Monday. Why put tin foil on the windows after you move out? And, the foil-covered windows were cracked open one day last week.

Probably all could be explained. Maybe Mr. Richards is moving out little by little. Maybe a neighbor mowed the lawn? No offense to Southern hospitality, but this neighborhood doesn't exactly scream "neighborly." Who knows?

I sent Legal Eagle a note saying please garnish. Enjoy yourself. I certainly am. And, I sent Bliz a (hopefully) forlorn text asking her to take care of the utilities. (Thank you Bliz! I see toffee in your future... Consider this a complete bribe.)

In any case, good bye Mr. Richards. Now pay up.

(Im)Patiently Waiting

We still don't know what Mr. Richards is doing. If he is even there. Bobby the locksmith isn't available until Wednesday to meet Carolsue. As I recall from my other interaction with Bobby, "Wednesday" is a pretty nebulous amount of time anyway. It is very likely Bobby didn't actually attach a year to go with that Wednesday.

In the meantime, I called Red, who said he would swing by today and see if he could shake loose any humans living in the property. Red also gave me the most horrifying story of squatters. Essentially these guys moved into a friend's home and tore the place up. There was only the drywall surrounding the bathroom and the bathroom facilities intact by the time his friend found out.

Yep. Thanks Red. You ought to write children's books.

If Red is successful, and once he tells me if there is a vacant home, space aliens, squatters, Carolsue can meet Bobby over there to change the locks. If it is Mr. Richards who has decorated his windows with tin foil, Legal Eagle can finally file to start the eviction process--which will take a month or two and lots of billable hours. But at least the waiting will be over.

I Heard Snophix Is Delightful This Time Of Year

There is a theory being bandied around about Mr. Richards. Simply, he has been abducted by aliens. On occasion the mothership gets tired of him and releases him into the wilds of Birmingham.

In the event you might think this would be any different if Mr. Richards lived next door, I assure you, nope, it wouldn't be. There is a lease in place. Legally I don't have rights to the home unless I can prove abandonment or Mr. Richards decides to send me a postcard telling me he has moved on.

Our question arises because we just don't know what is happening inside the home. For example, the power is off at Mr. Richard's home. So, nobody is living there?

There is tin foil on all the windows. Carolsue put a note on his door last week and someone pulled it off. Then one day the windows were opened a crack. Therefore, someone is living there?

Because there is no power, Legal Eagle and I were theorizing perhaps there are squatters, taking advantage of a roof over their heads and a place to deal drugs. Of course, this is not an ideal situation, but a heck of a lot easier to handle than a tenant who refuses to move. With squatters, all I need to do is get the sheriff out there to haul their butts to jail.

However, there is now a new development. The lawn is mowed. So, if these are squatters, they are tidy squatters. If indeed the aliens got sick of Mr. Richards and sent him back to Alabama--to live in the dark--he took it upon himself to freeload from me with a manicured lawn.

There comes a moment when the law allows someone to act as a reasonable person. In this case, we cannot verify who is occupying the property--if anyone. Acting as a reasonable person, it is time to find out. Mr. Richards will not return phone calls (and never had e-mail). I find it hard to believe Mr. Richards is living in the sweltering heat, in the dark.

Monday Carolsue is going over with a locksmith to verify. The locksmith can open the home, and Carolsue can peek her head in and see what is up. If she finds someone other than Mr. Richards she can call the sheriff. If she finds Mr. Richards on a surgical table with residents from Planet Snophix standing over him with a scalpel, she can just politely close the door and call the National Inquirer.

In either case, I will then have an answer. I hope.

So Much for A Mundane Saturday

It is my weekend, darn it! I don't want to deal with stupidity. Alas, Ms. Betty wrote me back.

Ms. Betty said something along the lines of this wasn't her fault and me "of all people" should understand. I believe I have heard that one before. I wasn't all that thrilled last time someone said that to me either.

Neither Marty Sunshine or Carsolsue (who happens to be a paralegal) felt what I originally wrote back was appropriate for the occasion. However, what I originally wrote was a lot more fun than the dry "You have been put on notice, you will be evicted if you don't pay. I prosecute for trashed houses and I garnish wages" mumbo-jumbo I sent.

What I originally wrote was along the lines of "no other tenant has the nerve to ask if they can pay a month late. No other tenant has ever told me they can't pay the rent because the electric is due. No other tenant has been as much of a pain in my ass as you" (unless you count the others--but they aren't renting from me any more--and it would loose the punch to put the qualifier in there).

I am certain Ms. Betty will be furious with my e-mail. How dare I ask for what is contractually mine! I can't imagine she will actually leave. If she doesn't have the money to pay me, she doesn't have the money to move.

I find it interesting that the trashed 508 house, the vacant Martin home (which now has a roof leak), Mr. Richard's home (more later on that one) are all my biggest going concerns, but Ms. Betty is the one that aggravated me.

Zero to Bitch with One E-Mail

It appears I have lost all semblance of decorum. Though, I did manage to tone it down a bit when Ms. Betty wrote me today asking if it would be ok if she could send the rent a bit later than she was anticipating.

I managed to keep my answer to, "No it is not ok." Though that may not be as strong as "Hell no." I hope it drives the same point home.

I suspect I won't hear from her. If she does, the following response will be given.

"I have been more than patient with your incessant e-mails of countless ways of showing me how irresponsible you are. Your problems should not be my problems. Move your ass out or pay the rent. But don't ask me for anything. Ever. I am not in the mood."

Better yet, maybe I will just show her this blog.

One Down

I waited an extra week, and I could not find anyone else who wanted to rent out my house in Fultondale. Heaven knows I tried.

The ones I picked do meet all my requirements. They are gainfully employed. They meet my income criteria and then some. Rent on this house won't be a financial stretch for them. They are polite, well spoken. Their background check came out fine. Their credit report was what I expected. And, they haven't annoyed me with useless phone calls with a sense of entitlement.

About a year ago, I went through this exact scenario with another round of tenants. I didn't want them, but I took them anyway. Those folks worked out ok. They still rent from me. They pay and don't cause me any grief. There was nothing wrong with those folks either. I just didn't want them.

Marty pointed out that I am a bit burned out right now. There are many things happening in the background that I haven't documented that are clouding my judgement. "You aren't going to like anyone." he said. At this point, he may be right.

When I called to approve these people, I gave them a list of what I won't tolerate. Essentially, my list boiled down to: do not give me a reason to call you. Ever.

I explained I never wanted a call saying rent and the electric bill were due on the same day and what should they choose. Don't tell me your wallet was stolen. Don't tell me to hold the check for two days. And, don't sent me a post-dated check, a check with the wrong date or a check without a signature. I will cash it anyway. And, your check better not bounce--please see the clause in my lease about bounced checks.

I explained the neighbors have my phone number. And, if someone drives by the house and tells me there is a kangaroo living in the back yard, or a second chimney jutting out of the roof, or a three-car garage added to the property without my approval, all bets are off. I won't forgive. And, to drive the point home, I let them know I work with an attorney in Birmingham who specializes in wage garnishment. So, don't annoy me.

Is He or Isn't He?

I would like to go on record right now: Danny Haren should have been the starting National League pitcher for the All Star game this week. If you (and Marty Sunshine) don't care, that's fine. This my blog.

Now, where did I put Mr. Richards?

Weeks ago, Red--under Legal Eagle's direction--posted an eviction notice on Mr. Richard's home. We heard nothing. Carolsue drove past a few times and could not decide if he was still there. On one hand, the yard didn't have the Mr. Richards manicured look. On the other hand, the house didn't have a vacant look.

At one point, while debating this with Legal Eagle, she asked me what I wanted to do next: file with the court or wait a bit longer. Under attorney-client confidentiality, I explained to Legal Eagle that Carolsue was planning on looking for her cat. It might just happen to be in Mr. Richard's back yard.

So, if Carolsue drove by and Mr. Richards car wasn't there, she was planning on getting out of the car. She would then check and see if if her cat was in the back yard near the electric meter. If she happened to glance at the meter and it wasn't running, Carolsue would then peek in the window and see if her cat was inside.

However, before Carolsue was able to look for Fluffy, Mr. Richards--in one of his moments of psychic premonition--put foil on the windows, making sure nobody could see in or out. If Fluffy were inside, nobody would know.

Meanwhile, I have been twiddling my thumbs, pacing the floor and gnashing my teeth wondering why on Earth Mr. Richards didn't just leave. It didn't make sense. He isn't the type to hang out. He always struck me as the type to skulk out in the middle of the night instead.

While discussing my confusion about Mr. Richard's behavior yesterday, Carolsue mentioned his trash has been sitting by the side of the house for a week. This is so-unlike the immaculate Mr. Richards. Perhaps he did skulk out in the middle of the night.

This coming Thursday (theoretically), Baseball Guy will be heading on over to check out the house to see if the ghost of Mr. Richards is all that's left.

Now, Where Were We?

Ah yes! The 508 house...

Finn, the ultra-professional tightwad insurance adjuster doesn't deem the damage to be as high as the estimate I have received to fix the place up. Instead, he is offering me about one-third of the cost to fix it up.

And, because he isn't a complete ass, he is doing it in a very nice, polite way. Never has he suggested I manufactured the damage. Nor has he been anything but respectful--as in respectfully disagreeing he should honor this claim the way I want him to.

Actually, he is probably correct, though I loathe to admit it. The damage isn't as bad as first thought. The 508s did leave it a disaster, but there is little structural issues. Most of the damage is from slobs with domestic violence issues. Sadly, the slob factor isn't covered under my policy.

Insurance will cover the broken doors, windows and walls. They won't cover the bug bombs Carolsue used to mitigate the infestation of fleas, the debris removal--all now flea covered (the 508s left their furniture and much of their personal possessions behind) or any way to seal the floor from the dog urine smell. Those are my issues.

My other issues include the five-foot grass covering the half acre lot. I asked Billy (who lives next door to Mrs. Martin's former home) to go over and give me a quote. He said he would go that night. "No Billy. Do not head over there after dark, I cautioned." I didn't want to spell out why, but hopefully he figured it out.

Additionally, the air conditioner is still an unknown factor. Clay has been assigned to head over and check it out, but he can't do that until there is electricity at the house. There won't be electricity at the house until I am ready to have the work done. I won't be ready to have the work done until Carolsue is complete with my two other properties. And, I hear another one of her clients needs her too. So, it looks like it will be a week or two.

As a bright spot to this whole nonsense, Carolsue--bless her--has already started a campaign to find a new renter. She may have done so! A nice family that lives behind has other family members who may need a place to live. So, with any luck, this place won't be vacant too long.

Simple Pleasures

Ms. Betty e-mailed me on Wednesday. Apparently she has decided the electric bill takes precedence and is mailing her rent check later this month. I didn't really have a quasi-polite response to this, so I didn't write her back.

No matter, Carolsue will slap an eviction notice on her door in a few days. With Ms. Betty volunteering she is going to be late, why not start the process now? That way, if she really does come through at the end of the month, I can just stop the eviction. If she doesn't, I will be that much farther ahead of the game.

Somehow, sensing my displeasure at her first e-mail, Ms. Betty sent me a second e-mail moments later (which I also didn't respond to). It said:

"In Sept when get out of bankrupt we r going to be looking for another place to go."

I am not sure if this was a threat or a promise. In either case, I consider this great news. Let her go bug some other unsuspecting landlord for a while.

Covering My Assets

My problem with Monday's applicants is:

1. They didn't completely fill out the application
2. There seem to be some trust issues between the man and woman
3. Though unsaid, I am under the impression both parties sport a a bit of a past that should remain there.

My contention is, essentially why borrow trouble by allowing these people into my home? I am very uncomfortable with how this relationship between us has already started. Asking me to keep secrets and propagate lies isn't putting one's best foot forward.

And, if they can't be straight with each other, is this what I have to look forward to? What will be the fallout if we find out Mr. Applicant is really a cross-dressing transsexual and Mrs. Applicant just found out. A fight? Domestic violence? One party leaving and the other party not being able to make the rent.

And, who will foot the bill for their dishonesty? Yep, the landlord who just wants the house rented out to sane, stable people.

As of Monday afternoon, my head was swimming. So, at Marty's urging, I turned off my Birmingham phone and forgot about it until mid Tuesday afternoon.

What a wonderful treat! There were nine voicemail messages waiting for me. Two of them were from (hopefully) sane people whom I sent to Carolsue to show the property Wednesday morning.

Of course, there were a few others who were automatically disqualified for their lack of basic communication skills. For example, it is always a good idea to leave your name in your voice mail message.

Or, if I call you back, and say, "Hello this is the Landlord, you called me about my home for rent in Fultondale..." For Heaven's sake, don't answer with, "So. What of it?"

And, of course there is my least-favorite--when I call back someone back and the voice mail doesn't work, is full or the caller is not receiving messages (at their request). Do not call me back and say, "Did you just call me at this number?" My response to that clown was, "I might have. I called a lot of people back this afternoon."

Of course Delightful Dawn also called me. She wanted to know if I got her application and what the status was. I called her back and told her I had received another application and Carolsue was showing the home again Wednesday. After that, I would make a decision.

Delightful Dawn responded, telling me I was "unfair." She was there first. So therefore I had to rent the house out to her. Nope, I don't. Nor do I need someone who pouts before they even move in. What if the electric bill comes due the same day as the rent? Will that also be "not fair" if she is forced to choose between the two? Been there. Done that.

Round Two

I got another application today on Fultondale that is better than Delightful Dawn's, but not as wonderful as I want. I keep thinking, if I wait a bit longer maybe the "right" tenants will come along, show me they are stable, able to fill out an application and dazzle me with their ability to pay.

One item that jumped out at me was that they purposely neglected the last page of my application. How did they think I would miss the fact they completely skipped the page where I asked if they had a foreclosure, bankruptcy and repossession? Did they think I might forget about the fact I ask if they have been arrested for manufacturing illegal substances? And, if I am asking them, wouldn't it make a bit of sense I am going to check it out for myself too?

After talking with the folks, I mentioned I would be running credit and background checks--once they finished filling out the application. About an hour later, the woman called back. She told me about a few indiscretions in her credit past her guy just doesn't know about (which apparently is why there was a blank page). Does he have to find out? She asked.

My answer to her was for them to take the kids to the park that evening and discuss some of the things that might come up in a background check. I didn't want to play 13-year-old-girl games, talking to one, then the other, to get a straight story. I just want to rent out the house.

So, it would be prudent to get everything out in the open. Especially if there is more I am going to find out after the background checks. If there is more, it will sound a lot better coming from her, than from me.

And, just in case you are thinking, why not hold out for the next applicant, I got the following call Monday.

Caller: "Hey. I see y'all got a house to rent in Fultondale?"
Me: "Yes."
Caller: "Is it one level?"
Me: "No, it is a split level home."
Caller: "Do y'all have any other homes for rent?"
Me: "I have one in the Pinson/Trussville area coming up in a week or two."
Caller: "Is that one level?"
Me: "No, that is also split level."
Caller: "That's discrimination! I need a one level house."
Me (stupidly not hanging up): "It is not discrimination to have split level homes."
Caller: "Yes it is. I know my rights."
Me: "Do you want my attorney's number?"

Maybe these other folks are looking better and better.

Round One

Carolsue graciously gave up her Sunday afternoon to hold open the house in Fultondale. A holiday weekend. In the middle of another torrential downpour.

There were only two families that showed to view my lovely home. One of these belonged to Delightful Dawn, who happily turned in her application.

The other day she told me she needed to move NOW and had the money for move-in. I haven't even processed the application and the alarms are already screeching. First, the application is missing a few things--like required references. I need those for when they exit, not when they move in.

More to the point, there seems to be some discrepancy between who she told me would be residing in the property and who she put on the application to move into the home. Apparently it will be her, a smattering children, a husband/boyfriend-type and a person she calls her "mother-in-law" (though there doesn't seem to be a logical connection between the husband/boyfriend-type and the "mother-in-law").

This entire scenario looks like a train wreck in the making. And, the living situation sounds tenuous at best. Two alpha females under one roof? A husband/boyfriend-type person who may or may not have an attachment to Delightful Dawn or the "mother-in-law." And, most importantly, nobody has serious gainful employment. I can see it now, the first minor disaster and I would get an e-mail from one of them saying the dog ate their rent check.

Fortunately, based on my income ratio guidelines, they don't qualify. So, at least I don't have to go through the arduous process of finding an excuse to deny them.

Did She Really Ask This?

There are fleeting moments when I wonder if I will have enough blog fodder to continue posting tomorrow, next week or next year. After all, how much of a drama can one really have? Then, I get e-mails that remind me that as long as I have rental homes and (in some cases) nutjobs renting from me, there will always be something.

Sunday, I got the following e-mail from Ms. Betty:

"what do i do about my power bill if i pay u rent?

Essentially, she doesn't have the money to pay her rent and electric bill. What's a girl to do?

I didn't respond to Ms. Betty. But I will now.

Dear Ms. Betty,

Presumably, you asked my opinion about what you should do about paying your rent or paying your power bill. Let me simplify the decision process: it would be a waste of money to pay for electricity if you don't have a place to use it.

If that isn't motivation enough, I am chomping at the bit to get rid of you. My list of annoying tenants is diminishing and you are now close to the bottom. I need a hobby.

I understand times are tough. Guess what! They are tough for me too. Right now they are very tough. But I am not complaining to my mortgage company that I made the choice to have a gazillion homes in Alabama and now I have three vacant homes, a dead air conditioner, one deadbeat and one tenant who wants me to solve all of her financial hardships because she feels the need to choose between electricity and rent! These are my choices. I am sucking it up. I recommend you do the same.

But, how dare you make this my problem! I don't make my deadbeats your problem! I pay the mortgage--even when you are late. I hold up my end of the bargain. The bank isn't knocking on your door for the home back. You have a place to live.

If you need to come up with the money for the electricity, might I recommend taking on a part-time job, selling stuff on the Internet, cleaning houses, watching children or a variety of other innovative ways people on limited budgets throughout the world make ends meet. This isn't a unique situation.

I would like to caution you though, if something else mysteriously breaks in your home, I will not allow you or Mr. Betty to fix it. I will bring in Sid or Mr. 113. I am done.

Sincerely,

The Landlord

First Impressions

Later today, Carolsue is going to open up my home on Fultondale and let those looking for a place to live peruse the inside. She doesn't answer questions, other than to say "I don't really know, you will need to ask the landlord." Then, if the prospective tenant has an interest in renting, Carolsue will give them an application and direct them to me.

That's it. That's all she is allowed to do. Because she isn't a licensed agent or the property owner, Carolsue isn't allowed to give any information about the home, the area or utilities. Nor can she tell me anyone's skin color, religion (though you might be astonished at the number of people who volunteer this) or national origin. This is Federal Law.

What Carolsue can do is observe and report what she sees. She can tell me if Mr. and Mrs. Delightful scream f-bombs at their children. She can tell me if Mr. Perfect wipes his feet when he walks in. She can (and will) tell me if Miss Wonderful tells Carolsue that I have already given permission for Miss Wonderful to paint the kitchen blood red. And, my all time favorite, Carolsue will tell me which prospective tenants asked if I would consider lowering the rent.

A lot is riding on some basic human interactions. A five minute conversation with Carolsue may make all the difference in where they end up living. Because, the first impression they make with Carolsue is going to affect their future with me.

Tenant Shopping

Vetting prospective tenants is like channeling a fickle shop-a-holic drama queen.

Monday it was Petunia Perfect and her charming e-mail. I called her back and left a message. She called me back and said, "Did y'all just call me on this number? Why did you call me? Who are you?" So... she can't listen to her voice mail? Not a good start.

Tuesday it was Virtuous Vera. She e-mailed me from her stable company. Her subject and verbs agreed. She used proper e-mail etiquette (spelled out words like "you" and "are" and did not type with all caps). She started with a greeting and ended with a closing paragraph. And, she included her name. I would have settled for just a first name, but no. I got both a first and last name. Generally prospective tenants like to be anonymous and use e-mail addresses like sweetbabymama(at)scaldmail.com

Wednesday it was Suave Sam, who told me his job was moving his family to the area. He could put the deposit down right away. And, would it be ok if he signed a two year lease? His wife apparently grew up across the street and they both grew up going to church the on the next block over. For some reason, prospective tenants wanting to impress like to tell me their church affiliations.

Thursday it was Delightful Dawn who asked for the property address to preview. She then called back on Friday to ask about the particulars. She is in a position to move in as soon as possible. However, she is more than happy to wait until Sunday--like everyone else--when Carolsue opens the house for viewing. However, she seemed a bit astonished that I would check her credit. "Is that really necessary?" She then quickly added, "I don't have anything to hide."

There are several more calls and e-mails on this property this week. But none of them match my accessories.

No Southern Hospitality

I had a lovely day on Wednesday--until I talked to Clay's former company. This is the HVAC firm I directed Ms. Betty to call for service, as Clay--who absolutely ROCKS--was busy installing a brand-new unit on my Fultondale home.

I have used this company for years. They have been to a good portion of my homes. When I call them, they have always stepped up.

It had been two days and I hadn't heard anything about the air conditioner from anyone. Nobody called me asking for payment. Ms. Betty, surprisingly unavailable for the first time since she started renting from me, hasn't responded to my e-mails, phone calls and the carrier pigeon I sent out.

My imagination was starting to feed me bits of negativity. What if the Betty's just skipping on me, instead of getting this fixed? What if I had another trashed home without a working air conditioner on my hands? I wasn't sure I was up to any more drama this early in the month. After a final attempt at Ms. Betty, I opted to call the AC company to verify the work had been done.

What a relief! It turns out this company went out to Ms. Betty's home. And, they managed to put a new thingy-gizmo on the unit for a beyond reasonable price. However, they hadn't called me for authorization or payment. If they had called me, I certainly would have authorized it. However they didn't. They took upon themselves just to fix it.

Because the AC company and I worked together for this long, I wasn't really bothered by the lack of communication for this particular incident. However, I wouldn't want this to happen again, lest next time it is a more expense thingy-gizmo or--Heaven forbid--a gadget, that breaks. So, in a proactive move with the person I was on the phone with, I opted to ask if there was some note that could be put in my file saying there must be authorization first, so there wouldn't be a "next time."

The person, obviously not the authority figure du jur, quickly put me on hold and put on the office manager instead. The office manager, completely misreading the situation, greeted me with a gruff: "So you are unhappy we fixed your air conditioner? How about if just go back out there and take it back off your house instead?"

Though I wasn't unhappy with the company until that very moment, my tolerance for BS is currently at an all-time low. Completely startled by this guy I replied with an equally snotty, "Why don't you just cut the sarcasm and actually listen to why I am calling? I wasn't annoyed with anyone until you got on the phone."

This got his attention and a few softened, "This is certainly not the way we do business.... We are so sorry ma'am, we should have called you first. I will speak to the technician..." type of responses. Too late, one annoying HVAC office manager later and I am through.

Looks like Clay made the right choice to jump ship. I think I will too.

In Other Wildly Inappropriate News...

The former tenant of my Fultondale home tried to Facebook friend me last Friday. You know, the one who flooded the laundry room, took all the flooring out of the extra bedroom, left the Christmas tree and four worn tires for me to dispose of in the shed? She apparently didn't own a working vacuum and never wiped a fingerprint off a wall for the entire two years she lived there. Yes, that one.

This is the second Facebook friend request from a tenant in a week.