A New Species of Crazy

Last week, Audrey and Carolsue were to meet up at the Leeds house. Because of circumstances beyond any one's control, they didn't. And, when they spoke again last week, Carolsue, wanting to accommodate, agreed to meet Audrey at the Leeds home yesterday for her own personal showing. Carolsue promised nobody else would have an opportunity to view the home until after Audrey had first dibs.

Saturday afternoon Audrey stood Carolsue up. After an hour, the only people to make their way into my fabulous Leeds home to greet Carolsue were the neighbors. In fact, the neighbors were extremely friendly. So friendly, that they told Carolsue how they broke in through the window last week when Carolsue hadn't shown and then let Audrey into the house! And, wasn't that quite neighborly of them?

In only a way that Carolsue can do, she let them have it. When she relayed the story to me, she bandyed phrases as, "all'y'all" and "I'll tell you what?" and other such Southern things that connotate when someone is totally pissed off.

Sadly the neighbors didn't exactly grasp that they had BROKEN INTO THE HOME AND TRESPASSED, instead they were extremely confused as to why Carolsue had a bee in her bonnet about something as neighborly as helping us rent out the home. And by the way, they liked Audrey.

To top it off, Carolsue called Audrey and left her a message saying, "You broke into the home? Next time charges will be filed." Which is kind of a vague threat because I don't have a last name or address for Audrey. In Carolsue's voice mail, she said, "Don't bother to call me back."

Now, I would like to stop here and explain: I am not happy about this. But after careful consideration, Carolsue and I have decided the neighbors thought they were helping. Carolsue has made it clear their help is no longer welcome and I doubt this will be a future issue. The house is fine. Nothing is broken or taken. It just isn't appropriate. Neither Carolsue or I are upset about this in any horrified way. It isn't like we found a meth lab or anything.

In fact, after talking with Carolsue, I figured this was a done deal. After all, Audrey stood up Carolsue (and by the way, she had seen the interior and then made the appointment for this weekend). Carolsue gave her voice mail a tongue lashing that scared me (and I only heard about it). If I were Audrey, I would probably cut my losses and move on.

But, I am not Audrey.

Instead, Audrey innocently called me asking if I left a message on her voice mail. Of course, she knew I didn't. She has caller ID because last week she recognized my number. I played dumb, asking how she liked the home and didn't she just talk to Carolsue at the Leeds home?

Audrey said she didn't make it over and could I please give her Carolsue's number so they could discuss "something." Oh certainly. Anyone willing to call Carolsue after hearing a rant has guts or is missing brain cells. But what do I care? Maybe if she has either she will be perfect for that home. After all, I still am needing a renter. And I am almost desperate enough to entertain Audrey as a candidate.

A few moments later Audrey called me back again. She still hadn't talked to Carolsue. This time she sounded a bit shaken. By way of an explanation, she started the call by saying, "I wanted you to understand one of the neighbors let me in the house. But I didn't break in."

"Oh?" I said.

Audrey then explained how one of the neighbors had come by while they were waiting for Carolsue and offered to show the home. If I understand correctly, Aurey somehow assumeed the neighbor had some sort of magic wand and was able to open the house by walking around back where there are no doors, only windows.

Apparently Audrey assumed (after she found out Carolsue wasn't coming because of car trouble and we had spoken several times during the course of time Audrey was impatiently waiting) that I authorized the neighbor to do this. Of course, when she and I talked last week I didn't mention the neighbor. And, I know I told her Carolsue had the only keys.

Of course, the main point of her call was to convince me she did not break into the home and to please not think of her as the type of person who would commit an illegal activity. She admitted she crossed the threshold but she did not break in. After all, there is a difference. Audrey insisted she was was unsure how the neighbor got in. But please understand, she--Audrey--would never break into a home. I am guessing this woman probably never jaywalked in her life. Tresspassing is a new level of rowdy for Audrey.

My only response to this was a dull, "Are you interested in renting the home?"

Strangely, she said she wasn't sure. Apparently, she has a "few irons in the fire" and can she get back to me?

So Audrey, you called me and gave me this song and dance and you don't even want the house? Ok. Whatever.

My indifference wasn't enough for her, Audrey then called Carolsue. If I was redemption Carolsue was penance.

Audrey used that same lame, "I am not the one who committed a crime and I have no idea how the neighbor got into the house, therefore I am not a criminal," garbage on Carolsue. I didn't call Audrey on her stupidity, but Carolsue sure did.

I am pretty sure by the time Audrey hung up Carolsue had scared Audrey into turning herself into the Leeds police, offering whatever restitution is necessary for someone walking through a vacant home uninvited and offering to pay double taxes to the IRS next year.

When Carolsue called me to report her chat with Audrey I asked if she thought Audrey would call me again. Carolsue seems to think so. I can't decide what I will do if she calls. On one hand, I don't like crazies. And, Audrey seems to have cornered the market on a new species of crazy. On the other hand, Audrey is crazy enough for the neighborhood and the neighbors already like her.