How To Speak Southern

So Mr. Ex-Partner is being blown off by Ms. Angie. In my opinion, part of the reason behind this is because he got off to a bad start with her--though I doubt he knows it. I am not saying that's the only reason, but he would have done better to pick up the phone and introduce himself than start the very first e-mail to her with "Angela, Where is my rent?"

The fact is, she owes the rent and she picked a really bad month to start this game with him. However, that's not how folks in the South see things. It is a warped logic that I can't fully grasp. But essentially manners are paramount--even when you are asking a potential deadbeat tenant for money.

Anyway, a couple of days ago, Mr. Ex-Partner sent me an e-mail asking where Ms. Angie's rent happens to be (hell if I know, she isn't my tenant) and said she is non-responsive. In a gesture of sympathy I wrote her on his behalf. I then forwarded him the e-mail. The subtext is in blue. Hopefully he caught on and will use this as a boilerplate for future written communications. With any luck, the next e-mail he cc's me on will look more acceptable.

Hey Ms. Angie, (I recognize we are not on a casual first name basis.)

How are you doing? How's the grand babies and the kids?  (We simply cannot discuss the reason for this e-mail until the formalities are out of the way, even if you are telling a convicted murderer he is sentenced to death. For example, "Mr. Murderer, How is your cell? Comfortable? I hope you slept well last night.... Now then, the jury got together and decided they just couldn't see their way to let you walk for this one..." )

Mr. Ex (You don't know him, but he is a nice, mostly harmless kind of fellow therefore he is "Mr." and his first name.) said you are struggling with the rent this month  (you haven't paid and frankly, you gave a seriously lame reason why). I am sorry to hear that (bless your heart). He is a good guy, but a serious stickler on communication so please be sure to stay in touch with him (Have you lost your mind!? Don't make him hunt you down!). You have been there too long to throw it all away now (and he will kick your butt to the street and not look back) and you have worked too hard! (How long have you been there? He has no loyalty. Take this seriously you are days from eviction.)

My best to you and yours, (Seriously, CALL HIM!)

Your Former Landlord (It is ok to call me by my first name because this is just a friendly missive. Do note the lack of Mrs. or Ms.)

Ps. Don't forget to send me grand baby pictures some time. (I like the grand baby pictures.)