My BS Meter is Spinning Out of Control

Ms. Shirley's roof.


Ms. Shirley's roof leak.

A quick back story: Ms. Shirley says she has a roof leak. She wants me to re-roof the entire home and, without talking to me first, called a roofer to take care of this.

Ms. Shirley is adamant there is a leak. Mr. 114 doesn't think so. My gut tells me the whole thing is bunk. But, since I was already in the state, I figured it might be worth swinging on by and checking it out myself.

Because this never sounded right, I thought I would just add a bit of extra assurance to my visit. So, I had prearranged with Mr. 114 prior to all this. He was casually hanging out in his yard when I arrived. And I casually saw him and said hello, making sure Ms. Shirley (if she was peeking out her window--which I am sure she was) saw us say hello. And, then I just casually invited him to join me in reviewing Ms. Shirley's roofing issue.

I know a thing or two about leaky roofs--mainly there has to be some sort of point of entry, say like a hole. Water must be able to penetrate through that point of entry, using the forces of gravity and land in a place that will correspond with the hole above. If there are no other outside forces, like say, a gust of wind, the water spot should be underneath the point of entry in question.

How's that for scientific?

To be honest, I figured once I saw the place in question, the jury would be out on this. After all, it hadn't rained in 10 days. How much of a water spot could there be? What I did find when I arrived was a damp plywood floor. The stumper was that there wasn't any corresponding ceiling spot to go with the floor spot.

Mr. 114 got a step stool and felt around on the ceiling. There was no wet spot. There was no discoloration. The way the water would happen to fall did not correspond to where the water happened to land. It just doesn't make sense.

Underneath the flooring of this room is the garage. Mr. 114 even went so far as to go into the garage and check out that ceiling too. That is clean as well. It doesn't look like there are any pipes running through that part of the ceiling. There might be, but it would be kind of a strange route through the house.

While Mr. 114 was looking into the mystery leak, Ms. Shirley and I were sitting around getting to know each other. Apparently she was expecting someone thinner, younger, blond and someone who wore bright red lipstick and stiletto heals. She sweetly told me so.

While we were chatting, she asked me how much I would sell the house for. When I gave her my number, she informed me the home across the street was selling for much less. Nice to know, but that didn't change my number.

She then brought up the roof issue again, assuring me she knew this company who would be happy to fix my roof for free. All I had to do was let the insurance company pay for it. I explained to Ms. Shirley it wasn't free. There are deductibles and insurance premiums. And that "not costing anything" really didn't mean not costing anything right now. If my insurance costs go up, I would have to raise Ms. Shirley's rent.

She persisted about the roof a bit longer, assuring me this company was great. "Well, they can give you a free quote, you know." Ms. Shirley said by way of endorsement.

As I explained to her that only Mr. 114 would be touching my roof, her body language dramatically transformed. I saw it happen and realized it changed, but didn't recognize why at the time. Instantly the energy in the room changed. In any case, I took that moment to say my parting niceties and skedaddle.

After I finished with Ms. Shirley, I popped next door to see Mr. 114. I wanted to discuss a few things with him, including jobs at Mr. Green's home and Artie's home. But before that, I asked the million dollar question: "Why is the floor wet more than a week after the last rain?" I asked. He was thinking the same thing.

Mr. 114 and I spent a few moments trying to figure out exactly what Ms. Shirley is up to. Does she get a kick-back from the roofing company? Is she trying to talk me down on the purchase price of the home? Does she want to scream "toxic mold" so she can sue me? It doesn't add up. I will be the first to tell you I was wrong if there is a roof leak. I swear I will. I am just not convinced.

Maybe I would have been a bit more convinced this was legitimate if, as I was leaving Mr. 114's home, Ms. Shirley didn't jot back out and head me off at my car. She asked me back in to look at a few other things that were wrong with the house.

Going back in, Ms. Shirley dragged me to the greatroom where she asked how to fix the ceiling fan. Looking up I said, "I think it needs a seventy-nine cent chain." Then she asked about the chandelier in the dining area. "I believe a different light bulb might fix this." Are you sure? She asked both times.

Yes, I am sure. I am definitely sure something else is going on too.