Signed, Sealed, Delivered

I never thought--before I started this whole thing, that is--I would have to coach adults on mailing etiquette. But, apparently I do. Here is an open letter (pun intended) to those who send me monthly mail:

Dear Tenants:

The stamp goes on the right side, top corner. Anywhere else and the mail will be delayed.

If you are sending money through the mail (and undoubtedly you are), don't write "rent payment" on the outside of the envelope. I hate to break it to you, not everyone who will handle your mail will be honest.

A regular #10 envelope is sufficient. It will hold your rent check and any correspondence you wish to include. You don't need to send larger-than-normal envelopes that don't fit into my PO Box. Because, then I have to wait in line to pick it up. And, if that isn't motivation enough, your postage tends to be a bit higher.

I am a firm believer in recycling. But, if you reuse an envelope, please have the courtesy to put a label over the former address so my address stands out. And, it might be a good idea to put a label over the former return address. Do you really want Rent-A-Wreck or your check-kiting cousin Joey to accidentally receive my rent money if for some reason it does not get to me? Just checking.

An envelope from Alabama takes approximately four days to arrive. That would mean, if you sent your rent on Tuesday, I would have it by Saturday. So, if you tell me you are sending your rent on Tuesday and I receive it the following Friday, I am going to figure you lied.

And finally, for the love of all things holy, do not overnight your checks to my PO Box with signature requested. First of all, you will know if I don't get your rent check because I am going to call you. Second, this is snowbird season here in Mesa Arizona. The wait inside the post office to pick up your rent check in the summer is 45 minutes. In the winter, on a good day, it is more like an hour and a half. No kidding. If you learn nothing else from this, just take this one little gem away. PLEASE.

Thank you.