A Tale of Two Aries

The purpose of my Alabama visit, as anyone who reads this blog on a quasi-regular basis knows, is that I was given an engraved invitation, courtesy of the Alabama courts. I have every intention to write about this once it is all over.

I am not teasing, though I have to tell you, I am not sure how much I will be able to disclose. This is a sensitive matter and the results of this case might bring more trouble down the line for the people in question. I will tell you this: it is a civil case. It involves a former tenant.

At 10 a.m., Wednesday, I had gotten a phone call I had been expecting since I arrived. It was a lovely woman with a Southern drawl asking telling me to show up by 11:30 at the courthouse and share what I knew with the Honorable Judge and the merry band of lawyers. And by the way, this particular courthouse and the detention center next door are in a neighborhood of Birmingham that makes the war-torn sections of the Middle East look like Disneyland.

And, let me just preface the rest of my day right here. Have I ever mentioned everything in the South takes longer? If not, let me just say this: on Wednesday, I talked with Kirby three times. That is three times more than I talk with him in a month. I had nothing better to do.

Very hard and very wooden bench

I got to the courthouse and a few minutes later Carolsue breezed by as well. You see, she had also received a subpoena. But, the witness in front of us was taking a bit longer than necessary (like seven hours longer). So, they sent Carolsue to a cute little conference room and they put me out on the hard wooden bench in the waiting room.

When the lawyers broke for lunch, Carolsue got the very tasty-looking salad. I got the e-coli laden chicken sandwich that is still haunting me. And nobody brought us a drink. At some point much later, Carolsue managed to find the lady with the secret key to the vending machine. Carolsue got the soda she wanted. They were out of bottled water I wanted.

After lunch, I made the executive decision that I wasn't hanging out on the bench when there was a cute little conference room with a Carolsue.

The 8 x 8 conference room had two wooden chairs and a table. Additionally, we added two AARP magazines (dated from 2007 and 2008) a Birmingham phone book with a missing cover, a St. Louis Cardnials' coffee table book (that I read in 30 minutes) and my suduku puzzle book.

As as the hours dragged by, and Carolsue was short on nicotine, I noticed the conference room beginning to shrink. By the time I was texting Baseball Guy and telling him Carolsue was ready to get a foot in her rear, the room was no longer cute. But is sure was little.

Meanwhile, I had a seriously pissed off former tenant who would have charred us if her super-power had been fire breathing. On Wednesday, my super-power had more to do with the bad stomach cramps, from my chicken sandwich.

So there we were, me with undigested poisoned chicken, nothing to drink and Carolsue jonesing for another cigarette. And, I will also tell you, every so often, I would make suggestions as to how she could improve her karma--just because it took my mind off my poor tummy. She in turn would bite my head off and we would go back to our respective AARP magazines for another five minutes.

Carolsue was called in as a witness at 5:08 p.m. I believe she sprinted into the courtroom in record time--just to get away from me. Though most courts end around 4:30ish, this one was not. She was there an hour, giving me ample time to walk the halls, deal with my food posioning and repeatedly text Bliz and Legal Eagle.

All along I was maintaining (and Carolsue and Marty can confirm), that I am not going to testify. Denial is powerful, yet totally useless. But here I was--since 10 a.m., and I hadn't taken the stand. After Carolsue there was a surprise witness and then the judge called it a night. I didn't testify. But I did sit with Crabbysue for six hours. That is a trial untoitself.

My court appearance is now scheduled for Friday. First thing. This time I am bringing a bottle of water, a book and my own snacks. Though I am still into denial I will be testifying.