The Tax Deadbeat

Through a back story that mirrors the length, plot points and politics of a Russian novel, I consciously did not pay all of my property tax bills for 2012. I knew I owed them, and had every intention of making good. Just not on time.

Then I got busy.

However, Jefferson County, the same county where the majority of City of Birmingham is located (and incidentally is in bankruptcy proceedings--though I am sure that is a total coincidence to me not paying my property taxes), did not forget. In fact, last month they sent me a friendly reminder. Which was a pleasant surprise to find out they had my address, as they couldn't bothered to send me a friendly reminder of the actual amount due any time during 2012.

Sadly, last month when I received notice, I was dealing with real estate drama, Girl Scout cookie sales and a trip to Birmingham. So, I didn't give much thought to property taxes. Though, I did at some point casually mention to Mr. Partner we owed them and should do something about it. Mr. Partner agreed. And that is about how far I got with the whole thing.

Saturday (March 16) I received another friendly letter telling me if I did not pay the delinquent property taxes by Wednesday March 20, 2013 they would start the tax lien process. They promised there would be judges, and courts and scary legal stuff involved. Though I had never been delinquent before, I pretty much took them at their word.

At the suggestion of Saturday's notice, I tried to pay the property taxes online only to find out Jefferson County's Tax Assessor Web site wasn't working. Not quite ready to panic, I figured I would just happily call up the phone number listed on the letter, and submit a payment over the phone. How hard could it be? Three hours of a busy signal later, I found out.

Apparently there is as special department for people who pay property taxes late. The department is staffed by rejects from the Department of Motor Vehicles who have small, small lives and thrive on adding misery and panic to the unsuspecting. There is no semblance of Southern hospitality for those of us in my situation. We are condemned tax deadbeats and deserve every and all hateful things that happen to us from this point forward. At least that is what the woman answering the phone conveyed to me in the first 38 seconds of my call.

As I explained to the woman on the other end of the phone line my situation (the Web site to pay wasn't working please let me pay you), she curtly informed me that her office did not take payments over the phone. She then ordered me to write down an e-mail address. At her mercy, I complied.

"Can I submit a payment to this e-mail address?" I innocently asked.

"No, just e-mail them and let them know the site isn't working. If they get enough complaints, they might fix it."

I believe she must have sensed that I rolled my eyes because she then became even more unpleasant. It was her suggestion that if I want to redeem myself from the low status of pond scum and if I am and to keep my home, she would recommend I get on a plane tonight, fly out and pay the property taxes in full in her office tomorrow.

"You don't take UPS?" I countered. After several variations of this particular question it turns out they do ("Do you take overnight deliveries?" and "How do people out of town manage to pay on time at the end of the year?"). And that is certainly cheaper than a last-minute air fare that will probably route me through Newark.

I had to go to the UPS Store anyway today, but wasn't looking forward to spending the same amount as a tank of gasoline to send over my payment to a pissy woman who probably would loose my check just out of sheer spite. I toyed with sending the money and a box of chocolates as a total bribe to Carolsue and begging her to find the tax assessor's office on my behalf tomorrow.

In the end, it appears enough people did e-mail whomever was in charge of that particular payment Web site, because I finally was able to get the site to work. It took a few thousand tries, but I now have confirmation it went through. All taxes are now paid, and I think I will make a better effort to pay them on time this year.