Ms. Kathy's Lucky Break

Ms. Kathy won the landlord lottery this month.

You see, Marty Sunshine decided to take advantage of the lower interest rates and various mortgage voodoo to see if we can refinance the home we live in.

Normally, when one refinances the home they live in it is a simple process, consisting of filling out a loan application, joyfully delivering past 1040s and a few bank statements to the mortgage loan officer.

But of course, not in my case. My mother swears if there is an easy way to do something and a hard way, I won't even blink. And just to prove my mother true, I have a gazillion rental homes in another state. But I digress... What were we talking about? Oh yes, getting a mortgage.

When one gets a mortgage and owns three LLCs, an S Corporation, is self employed by an entirely different vocation and also receives a his and hers pay check, the process is similar to the aforementioned process, with the exception that a small Peruvian jungle is sacrificed for the paper alone.

My loan officer needed bank statements for the past 12 months. And of course we started this process in February, so they now have 14 months of bank statements.

I also needed to show the financial records for the LLCs. Except only the properties in Marty's name. The ones in Mr. Partner's name were sort of cast aside in the "Dear Underwriter, kindly have a soul. These properties don't matter to you so please don't ask. Thank you." Which did not fly with the soulless underwriter, so I had to sacrifice a jungle in Borneo to write a detailed letter explaining about the properties in Mr. Partner's name.

I also had to show the legal ownership of said properties and show the articles of organization registered in Arizona for said LLCs.

Then there was the matter of the underwriter wanting cancelled checks from every single mortgage payment (for the homes in our name--not Mr. Partner's--that was clarified early on). One night I stayed up until 2 a.m. sifting through bank statements trying to get this together for the loan officer. In my defense, the reason it took me into the wee hours was not from a lack of competence, but rather, the night I did this, I started after I got home from work at 11 p.m.

I pointed out to the loan officer the silliness of needing the cancelled checks, suggesting that if I didn't pay my bills my credit score wouldn't be so high and wasn't the act of just showing the bank statements enough? I was greeted with a "bless your heart" and spent an additional three hours in the office of my loan officer combing over the payment histories to prove that loan x on the bank statement indeed matched the payment made on March 28, 2011 for the Waterford home, and so on. Now multiply this by half a gazillion homes.

The other item needed to make this special bundle given to the underwriter all pretty, was the sacrifice of a Honduran rain forest for the sole purpose of providing lease agreements for each and every tenants. Those on month to month leases, needed a special detailed letter explaining why they are month to month (because the lease states this wasn't a sufficient reason). I carefully timed this part of my rain forest deforestation around Mr. Wonderful's arrival into my Alabaster home. Vacant homes do not make for happy underwriters (if, indeed, there is something called a "happy underwriter"), What I was also counting on was Ms. Kathy would pay like she said she would at one time.

Of course Ms. Kathy can't keep her word to save a roof over her head so Ms. Kathy unless Ms. Kathy comes through, she is probably about to find a new place to live. But, not so fast! I need her lease in good standing until my refinance closes. I did not go through two months of jungle destruction to have it all fall apart over Ms. Kathy. So, lucky for her, I am not dealing with Ms. Kathy for a few more weeks.