Knee Deep in the Hoopla

With apologies to Jefferson Starship for steeling their title. But, it seems to fit.

One of the big challenges of a one-man (or woman) show is that when that One gets sick, everything comes to a screeching halt. Or at least for the very ill person, they wish everything would come to a screeching halt. Oh... Not so.

I have been sick since March 6. On March 8 I am told the vacant house that is to be rented on March 10 has a sewage back up. No, from what I understand it is more like a sewage flood. Getting this fixed entailed finding four plumbers as well as begging and kissing lots of plumber hairy butt. The situation isn't completely fixed, but the house is livable and the new tenants have indoor plumbing.

There were four plumbers involved.

Wednesday 3/8/06: (I am so sick, I can barely raise my head.) Plumber #1 comes out and says he doesn't have the right equipment and we are better off calling a national, name brand company and call him if I need something (yea, I need a plumber. What irony!). He also says make sure they send a PLUMBER out, not a technician.

Wednesday: "Plumber #2" from national name brand company (rhymes with Loto-Looter) comes out, says he is not a plumber, just a tech and can't fix the problem. When I explain I have people moving into the house in less than 48 hours, he promises and swears upon his mother's honor that someone will be out at "8 a.m." Tomorrow. He then changes it to 9 a.m. later in the conversation.

Thursday: Plumber #3 comes out at noon--after I call the offices and ask where the plumber is. I am told nobody ordered a plumber and they will see if they can work me in. When #3 gets there, he gives me a friendly call, telling me the sewer pipe is probably broken, it will cost me $3000-$5000 dollars to get this fixed and he will be back tomorrow to work on it. Oh, and this house call cost me $195. Pay up. I call the home owner's insurance company to ask if they have the name of a plumber to give me a second opinion. Yes they do.

I am told by my insurance agent that Plumber #4 walks on water, takes his grandmother to church on Sundays and has found a cure for cancer in his spare time. He is the most talented plumber East of the Mississippi and I could do no better. I call this miracle of modern piping. Plumber #4 tells me someone will be there by 4 p.m. and (get this!) "not to worry."

Thursday 8 p.m. #4 still has not shown up. The very sweet tenant of mine who is babysitting the vacant home wants to go home and offers to come back tomorrow. I call #4 and leave a message saying the plumber never came. At least I have #3 coming back in the morning right?

Friday 7 a.m. (I am still feverish) I receive a phone call from house-sitting tenant. #3 called HER to say he wasn't coming back to fix the problem. No, he didn't know anyone who could fix it. Good bye, good luck, thanks for the laughs. Fortunately, I still can call plumber #4 because they didn't come by Thursday, maybe they were just planning on swinging by on Friday. Besides, they told me not to worry. Right?

Friday 8 a.m. (after ingesting litany of over the counter cold and flu medications) I call #4 to find out what happened and if they could please swing by soon as I have new tenants moving in at noon. I speak with some jerk who tells me I "cancelled" the service yesterday. Huh? Even hopped up on cold meds, I should not be stupid enough to fall for this, but I take the bait anyway. No I didn't. Yes you did. No I didn't... The meds kick in and I come to my senses... Ok, well I am uncancelling the service can someone pretty please with sugar on it please come out and take a look at my teeny weeney plumbing problem??? Jerk tells me to call back in 10 minutes when the boss is in! No kidding.

Friday 8:45 I call back and get the same line that I cancelled the service from the guy who cured cancer. I give up. Of course I didn't cancel! But now I wish I did. Even more, I really wish I had a backup name so I didn't have to deal with these bozos either. At least Loto-Looter calls someone completely unresponsible for this problem when they don't show up! #4 tells me because they want to maintain a "good relationship" with me (their words) they will see if they can squeeze me in. I thank them and hope my tenants are late coming in from Florida.

After all that, it turns out the sewer line isn't broken. But it is a mess at the City sewer level. The city is aware there is a problem, but that doesn't light a fire under their buns to get the line cleared. We are still in the process of getting this taken care of. But, at least my new tenants have two working bathrooms.

Oh, and the sewage flood apparently took out the carpet and flooring in the basement. Also, the heater doesn't work. The garage door openers are missing (I found out they are actually being held hostage by the former tenant's girlfriend. So, I consider them gone). And, would I please make it a priority to take care of these things?

That was last week.

This week I have e-mailed or spoken to five of my nine tenants about something urgent in their lives but if they really think about it could wait until I am over my sickness.

Oh well. Just like in Hollywood. The show must go on.