Do You Have What it Takes?

It seems finding quality tenants is a universal problem. And, I do mean universal. I am sure there is a frustrated landlord somewhere on Planet Zapwax who is just groaning as they show their house to another set of deadbeats, wondering if great renters can really be found. They can. I promise.

I am currently working in my other job, helping two different families find tenants for their home. In both cases, the families are calling with tons of questions, wanting to extol on my wisdom. And, in one one of these cases, I am the one screening the calls from would-be tenants.

So, today's column is about being a good prospective tenant. Please note, being a good tenant is a whole different yet-to-be-written column. This just covers getting the lease. After all, you may not even want the house. But, I guarantee, if you follow these simple tips, the landlord might just call you back and ask you to rent their home. And, for the record, I have called potential tenants back and asked what it would take for them to rent from me. I have never regretted this.

1. When you call about my home, leave your name and phone number. This shows some basics: like you have acceptable communication skills. I never return a call where the caller doesn't leave a name. I am the landlord. I am in charge. I won't get in a power struggle now over telephone etiquette just to have it escalate if something goes wrong once you move in.

2. When you call, remember your manners. I once told a man I spoke with for 30 seconds I would not rent to him. He roared, "that's discrimination! I'll sue you." I explained, "I don't know what religion you are, where you are from, what color your skin is. I don't know if you have a disability. But, I do know you are one of the rudest people I have ever met, and I won't subject myself to this once a month when the rent is due." Life is too short.

3. When viewing the home, arrive on time. Don't waste my time. Don't make excuses for being late. Don't expect the landlord won't notice. Your ability to comprehend deadlines now says a lot when the rent comes due. If someone else is showing the home instead of the landlord, they are probably doing it as a major favor. So, assume they have something better to be doing and don't keep them waiting.

4. How you treat your kids and your car is a good indicator of how you will treat my home.

5. How your kids act in my home, will tell me how they will treat my home. As a parent, my children know they are to wipe their feet before entering, stay with me unless given permission otherwise and they better have their best manners on at all times. They can--and do--act like crazed monkeys on their own time. Do your kids know this? Do you enforce this? If not, please don't think I will rent to you.

6. Dress for success. This isn't something you necessarily need to wear a coat and tie to do. Nice jeans are absolutely acceptable. Be clean, neat, hide your piercings and keep your tattoos covered.

7. The most information I will ever get from you will be in the time you turn in your application to the time I approve you for the lease. Yes, I want to know factual and relevant data, the names and ages of your kids, what kinds of cars you drive or what type of dog fluffy happens to be (and, if you say poodle on your application and six weeks later I see a pit bull that answers to fluffy, expect all hell will break loose because my lease covers this and it is grounds for eviction). Your life story is very important to me and speaks volumes you aren't aware you are communicating. A long-drawn out saga about how you lost your job six months ago, why you and your spouse are separating or how you need an extra room because sometimes you and your boyfriend have swing parties tells me what I have already guessed about you. You aren't for me. I am pleased if you tell me this, because it makes my job easier.

8. Part 1: Financial issues for you, are financial issues for me. And, I am going to run a credit check and a background check. So, disclose. I understand things happen. There are reasons people file bankruptcy. Homes are foreclosed upon because situations happen. And, I won't necessarily hold it against you. But, if I find out from your credit report and not from you, I will wonder what else you might have neglected to mention. Keep in mind, as a landlord, I understand you still need a place to live even though the bank has taken your home. So, if you can show me probable reasons to rent to you (such as income, references and additional credit history), I might be able to overlook a foreclosure.

9. Part 2: Financial issues for you, are financial issues for me. If you are late on your car payment, credit cards and other consumer debt and you don't have a good reason (and going on vacation isn't a good reason), I won't rent to you. How you manage your monthly expenses speaks volumes to me.

10. Ever been evicted? You won't be renting from me. Period. This is different from a foreclosure--which may or may not elict sympathy from me--because with an eviction, there is a landlord somewhere you have already burned. And, if you do it once, it is easier the second time.

11. Never mention needing the deposits broken down over a month or two. What you are asking is for us to start out on unequal footing. I am looking for quality tenants the way you are looking for a quality landlord. You aren't it.

12. If I can't read the application, I am not renting to you. I have arthritis in my fingers. I know when it is flaring up I have terrible handwriting. But, it is much better than my husband's chicken scratch. So, if I want something to look neat and legible, I go slower. You too can find a solution to filling out an application so I can read it.

13. If you manage to overlook a good chunk of the application, I will assume I can expect this type of flakiness once a month. Go bug someone else. I would rather keep my home vacant a week or two more than start down this road.

14. If you are turned down for the lease, I may not tell you why. It could be as simple as I rented the house to someone else just like you and they turned their application in first. It could be because I found out you are an ax murderer. My reasons are my own.

So, if you really want my home, show me what it takes.