P.S. Women Do Not Keep Leather Couches in Their Garage

Dear Joe,

May I call you Joe? Thanks.

I was in your home today. Actually, I was in Mitch and Tonya's home today. You just live there. You haven't met Mitch and Tonya. They are awesome clients and even more awesome friends. I sold them the home you currently reside in. This past week, while at lunch with Tonya, she tells me Lisa--her tenant--has been acting funny lately.

You know Lisa don't you? She is on the lease for the home you live in. You, by the way, aren't. In fact, you aren't supposed to be there at all. but I digress...

Anyway, according to Tonya (your defacto Landlord) Lisa has been acting peculiar. She is in the medical profession and rent is constantly late. That's a red flag. An HOA violation came in recently and when Tonya called Lisa about it, she said, "I will find out whose car that is." Instead of something like, "Oh, I don't know anything about this" or a simple, "It won't happen again." And then there is the fact a man was seen leaving the townhome with a sweet little girl recently. Lisa doesn't have a little girl. She has two well-grown teen daughters.

All of these comments Tonya mentioned during our lunch made my sixth sense kicked in. I would like to tell you I have the gift of prophecy, but it is really more like, been there, done that. In the landlord vernacular, excuses means problems. Lisa has recently been full of them.

So, Mitch and Tonya opted for an inspection. I tagged along as well. Lisa was gracious and told us, though she would not be home at the time, we were welcome to come in and look around. And this is where you come in Joe.

There are many, many reasons why your ruse did not work. And, in the future, if you are ever trying to fake out a landlord who does not know you are living in their home, and more importantly, you are supposed to be a divorced woman with weekend custody of your teen daughters, you might want to adhere to the following:

Though you left the place relatively clean today, the bathtub is black. Women do not have black bathtubs.

Women do have black shoes. Whether sneakers, stilettos or Toms, we own at least one pair of black shoes. Always. In fact, we own shoes. If you took the time to shove various extra-large polyester dresses and 1970's grandma print long sleeve shirts into the closet, you might have thought to put in a pair of shoes and perhaps even a pair of pants.

Though this is a delicate subject, it disturbs me greatly what kind of scam you were putting on. Women do not proudly display a Costco sized box (unopened) of feminine hygiene products on a self six feet above the potty. Ever. However, I give you props for the feminine touch on that one, because that's about the only place we saw anything girly.

And for example, when it comes to being girly, single women do not have six-foot lithographs of Joe Camel proudly displayed on their entry wall. Women do have some sort of beverage on hand at all times. Even if we aren't expecting company, one can find anything from bottled water to diet soda to a bottle of wine in any woman's pantry.

And yes, did I mention Lisa was single? This is why a pillow with her married last name embroidered on it as the only accessory in the sparse living room is a bit of a jolt. If I were divorced and kept my ex's name, I certainly wouldn't want a pillow with his name and the words, "circa 1995" on it.

And let's talk about the teen daughters. They are too old to share one bed. And, the clothes in the room are for a much, much smaller child. Also, just as an FYI: the turtle in your daughter's aquarium is dead. Women notice dead critters in their homes.

Once we started putting the pieces together, it got even more awkward. You see, though you took a lot of effort to cover up your tracks (and suggest Lisa had a very ugly wardrobe), you left a relatively conspicuous pile of legal papers, outlining your probationary terms as well as letters from lawyers. Given the number of envelopes and some of the dates, it appears you have a lot of baggage you have now brought into Mitch and Tonya's life stemming back as far as Lisa's pillow.

Though I am sure your mother thinks you are all kinds of awesome, Mitch and Tonya did not agree to rent to you. And, if they had known Lisa was going to pull this kind of a shenanigan, they wouldn't have rented to Lisa either. Which reminds me, where is Lisa? Is she in the suitcase? Or are you possibly wearing the paisley orange and sunburst yellow caftans and a wig (and obviously walking around barefoot) on a regular basis? Or was it that Lisa couldn't handle being alone and moved in with some guy? Instead of breaking her lease she did everyone a "favor" and decided to put together this ruse?

You should know, Joe, Lisa will not be happy if you leave the place a disaster. Arizona is a very friendly landlord state and Lisa will be on the hook and have her wages garnished for any damage you do.

At this moment, I am sure Mitch and Tonya are evaluating their options and you will soon find out your fate. They weren't excited today when we went in. Neither was I. These are good people who deserve better than the liars and crooks they are now dealing with.

Sincerely,

The Landlord