Plugging in the Crystal Ball

So, Marty and Mr. Partner tasked me with putting together some forecasting for the last quarter of 2009 and all of 2010. This really was a fair request, as I am closer to knowing what is going on than anyone else.

When I gave the info to Marty, he asked if this was my final estimate. I said, "Nope. I don't know who will leave next year. I don't know who will file bankruptcy. I don't know who will decide to become a compulsive gambler, house illegal aliens, sell drugs, have domestic violence issues, loose their job or just stop paying because they want to."

"Yea, that could be a problem." Marty agreed.

You would think something as mundane as rental properties wouldn't have so much drama. But, it only takes one tenant to have a life changing event and completely upend our plans for future growth. I can handle a broken water pipe. I am having a bit of trouble with the people.

Of course, it is this unknown that Marty and Mr. Partner are looking for. Here is what I can tell them: all but two homes are currently rented. I have one tenant that is teetering on the brink of trouble. All my other tenants are doing great. So, if the ones who are great stay great, the one teetering gets her act together or or leaves without incident and I can rent out the other two homes to quality people, yep, we are ok for next year.

That's how the first few years of our business ran. So, I know it can happen again.

Hmmm

Saturday, I texted Legal Eagle with the following, "Are you free to discuss something today? Can I call you?" I forgot to leave my name with my message.

No matter, she knew who it was. I am debating if I should be am concerned I am now in her cell phone book or if she is just that familiar with my phone number.

Today's Shout-Out

We have a new future reader here at Sage Business central.

Abigail Joanna was born on Monday, September 28. She is the third child of my dear friend and reader, Busy Mommy.

Welcome Miss Abby!

Finally

So, Legal Eagle sweetly called me Thursday. "Hi Mr. and Mrs. Green are here to drop off a check for you." A true Southerner and complete professional, what she didn't say was, "Who are Mr. and Mrs. Green and why are they sitting in my office trying to give me money?"

Truthfully, I am pretty sure she was only marginally curious as to why two perfect strangers were there, handing a lawyer money on my behalf. Legal Eagle knows better. Sadly, I doubt anything related to me and my rental homes surprise her anymore.

The reason they were there is quite simple. After months of annoyances and false starts, it turns out my house on Martin is rented!!!! The Greens weren't my first choice, but after letting Fate step in, it appears everyone--especially the Greens--are ecstatic.

Up until Sunday, my first choice was Bonnie. Bonnie and I had been talking about the Martin home for weeks. Finally, she got around to seeing it. However, Bonnie left me a message Sunday saying, "We need to do some negotiating."

You see, the Martin home needs a stove. Bonnie has a stove and was willing to donate her stove (that she was probably bringing either way) for the duration of her lease in exchange for $100 off the rent price. If you do the math, that would be a reduction of $1200 for a year. To allow her access to a stove she already owns.

It isn't that I don't appreciate the offer, as I would prefer not to buy one right now. (the last stove I put in turned into a brawl between Carolsue and Ms. Betty, with the only clear winner being the electrician who billed me for his time, but that is for another post). But, it isn't a good idea--before you have even put in the application--to start a voice mail to any landlord saying, "we need to negotiate."

No we don't. At least not any more.

Monday, Amy sent in her thorough application. She send me pay stubs. We were ready to rock. Monday afternoon I left a message for her telling her to call me so we can get this party started. I e-mailed her Tuesday with a similar message. Wednesday I went on to my applicant #3.

Mr. and Mrs. Green were applicants #3. They sent their application in precisely 20 minutes after I had called Amy saying the house was theirs if they call me back. When I got Mrs. Green's application, I called her, apologizing and explaining her uncanny timing. I explained I had the Leeds house and Mrs. Waterford's former home, if she was interested in either. She wasn't. She said to call her back in a few days if it didn't rent.

Unlike Amy, the Greens don't have pets or young children. In fact, Carolsue told me Wednesday afternoon, at the open house Saturday, she overheard Amy telling Mr. Amy they were planning on using the newly-carpeted downstairs to house the dogs until they could afford some sort of fence for the back yard (I am refusing to fence the yard). Additionally, the Greens wanted to move in right away, instead of November 1st like Amy.

I finally heard from Amy Wednesday afternoon, precisely 20 minutes after I sent over the lease to Mrs. Green. Yes, she wanted the house! She had just been too busy for the past 48 hours to bother to contact me.

Thursday I gave her the sad news. She was out of luck. I did offer her the Leeds house, but I doubt she is interested.

Thursday afternoon, Legal Eagle sent me a note. She said about the Greens, "Very nice people – let’s hope I’m not suing them down the road." Ya. I kinda hope so too.

Still Trying Not to Sue on Principal

We are still in the "trying to settle out of court" phase of my Mrs. Martin drama. I haven't had the nerve to ask, but I am guessing Legal Eagle is sick of the whole thing.

All I really want to know is if and when I am buying my tickets to Birmingham. As this was Mrs. Martin's idea to settle, I am not sure what the hold-up is. My theory is Mrs. Martin will get around to cooperating about 20 minutes after I book my tickets. As I was planning a trip sometime soon anyway to check things out, a court date is a good enough reason as any to head over there.

All in all, Mrs. Martin has admitted she owes. I am hearing she doesn't want to go to court. I have already told Legal Eagle my bottom line--which happens to be close to Mrs. Martin's bottom line. Right now it is just up to Mrs. Martin to agree.

All I really want: two month's rent and the cost of the eviction Legal Eagle did for a song. And more importantly, I just want to end the madness so I can move on!

Please Stop Breeding

It looks like the neighbors in Leeds are up to their old tricks again. Last year, they caused me a variety of headaches with their shenanigans. They did fun-fun things like calling the police on my lawn guy. Even the police thought it was racially motivated.

One day, a neighbor showed up and dismantled the shed in the back There were witnesses who refused to come forward, in fear of retaliation from the Head of the Redneck Mafia who happens to live on that street.

There was also at least one other event that I attribute to them. Someone broke in and smeared feces on the walls in one bedroom but didn't take anything. I wish I could be so lucky this time.

On Sunday, Ms. Betty called with disturbing news. According to her, they were in the process of moving into their new home and had just come back to clean the house to find the door kicked open. Some of the items from Betty's last remaining boxes were missing. Also missing was the six month old dishwasher. The stove was left, but moved out from its intended place. I guess they decided against it.

Ms. Betty is pretty sure it is the neighbors because she said they were watching her move out. Given how quiet the street is (it is waaaayyy out of the way) this is a plausible suggestion. It occurred to me that Mr. and Mrs. Betty took it and hocked it too, making up the entire scenario to cover their backsides. I am not discounting this theory either. Might you remember the hack saw incident from months earlier?

In any case, with a little luck and some help from Jack, I am going to try to sell this place again. I really want this house gone. I am tired of it. I am tired of everyone associated with this house. I am tired of the drama.

And, if it doesn't sell, I guess I will have something else to write about.

Random Bama

Kirby rented out the Bankruptcy house in 10 days! They are supposed to move in Oct. 8. Let the back flips begin!

By the way it took 28 days for me to get the keys back from the former property management company.

***

It looks like some of the flooring in Mrs. Waterford's former home is salvageable. This might only be because Matt was there when James-the-hell's-angel's-turned-interior-decorator went over. Matt knew I didn't want to change out anything I didn't have to, so he reinforced this with James.

James also gave me a primer on what colors clash with "neutral." Sadly, his drawl was too thick for me really to understand him, so I am going to take my chances that 1) Matt understood and is watching my back, 2) it will work out no matter what or 3) the next potential tenant will think fuchsia is the new black and will fall in love with the place.

At any rate, if you do know what colors clash with neutral, I am dying to know.

***

Howie the Hack responded to my e-mail with the following (and I quote): "o.k."

Friendly Suggestion

It might be a wise idea, if you are using a pastor as a reference for a potential rental home, you make sure the pastor doesn't have a criminal background. I checked. You might want to as well. Just a thought.

Sigh...

Validation

In the event you don't remember the delightful Mr. 114, he lives next door to one of my rental properties. A long, long time ago, he and I became acquainted, as he likes to know who to complain to when my tenant throws wild parties and doesn't invite him.

Mr. 114 is one of those super-meticulous types who tends to like others to be super-meticulous. His yard, home and car fit this bill. Trusted, the former tenant who first lived next door to Mr. 114, once told me Mr. 114 asked Trusted in a pleasant, friendly way, to please move his trash can to the other side of his garage, so Mr. 114 wouldn't have to look at it when he first walks out of his garage.

Currently, Mr. 114 mows Ms. Shirley's (my current tenant) yard because (as the story goes) he does it better than her former gardener. He has also started his own lawn maintenance and handyman service. I was thrilled when he told me this, as I am always keeping my eyes open for someone who can handle these types of tasks.

Last week the largest flood to hit the South in a long time, did not spare one of my homes. The basement is now flooded and in serious need of help. Lots of it. Mr. 114 has already gone over there and sent me a quick note, telling me a more meticulous accounting of the repairs is on the way. Was I interested in the quick and cheap fix, or the more expensive long-term fix? The difference sounded like a few hundred dollars for it to be done right.

I instinctively picked the long-term fix, idly wondering what Mr. Partner would have chosen under the circumstances. Mr. 114 then wrote me the following e-mail.

That's one thing I really like about you..... you like fixing things the right way. I hate half assing things but in the world we live in right now, that's all people want. I have had 2 people tell me to stop weed eating their yard when I cut it to save a little money, but they don't understand why I have to charge them extra to get it back looking good. They don't understand that its cheaper and easier to do it right the first time then going back and doing it again later!!

Hello? Howie?

I got my very first Friday update from Howie the Hack! Mind you, Marty Sunshine and I tried contacting him with a variety of methods no less than six times in a two week period before we gave up.

Friday, I heard from him, as if I was under the impression he had been toiling away on my behalf and I might be a little bit curious what he had been dilligently working on for the past six weeks. Howie asked for a lot of information and bandied about the upcoming hearing where we would finally be able to ask the judge to kick these people out of my home.

I had fleeting thoughts of bad dates in high school where the boy would call out of the blue, completely bypassing any legitimate reasons why he hadn't stayed in touch. When asked about his lack of follow-up to that point, the boy in question would make up some seriously lame excuse like he lost my number (though he was calling) or his mom had been sick in bed with a toothache (for three weeks) or something equally stupid. At this point, he would quickly change the subject, assuming everything was just dandy and did I want to do something that night? (And by the way guys, we completely understood the subtext and though you were idiots. Then we told our girlfriends you were idiots too. Then we would snicker and bring you up at random times when we needed a laugh).

I did write Howie back. I told him because I he hadn't bothered to return my e-mails and phone calls, we had moved on--though I said it a bit more politely. And, by the way, great news! The folks already moved out and the house. (snicker...)

Finding Your Way Into A Walk In Closet

Though it should seem obvious, if you are trying to rent a home and you are specifically told it will be open from 1 to 4. And there is a car in the driveway of the said home. And, you haven't rung the doorbell or made any effort to see the interior. Please don't call me in a panic, telling me the front door is closed and when can you see it.

I won't be impressed.

Good Old Jerry

Jerry called me, wanting to follow up on his application on the Martin Home. I told him he didn't fill out the application completely and I am a bit uncomfortable moving forward. So, I ran another ad in the paper.

I told him I tried calling but he didn't have voice mail, which led me to believe he wasn't very interested in pursuing this. I said, I was surprised he wouldn't have voicemail, given he had sent in the application and knew I would be calling. I also told him about an unusual phone call I got the other day, where I talked to a guy named Mike who was a bit rude and refused to identify himself until I asked for the third time.

Jerry's answer was to ask what he needed to clean up his application. He completely ignored my story about the suspicious phone call.

I am crossing my fingers for another application this weekend from someone completely different and unrelated to Jerry.

Pow-Wow Partner Lunch

On Wednesday, Marty Sunshine dragged me to meet with Mr. Partner.

To set the record straight, I like Mr. Partner. And, I am not, and never have been, afraid of Mr. Partner. Though he is a bit more explosive, my temper can be equal to his, though I have learned to be more diplomatic in my old age. A couple of years ago, I had it with him and told him so. Since then, he has calmed down and changed his communication with me and things are just ducky between us.

But that doesn't mean I am up for sitting with him (or anyone else for that matter), eating pizza and rehash the dramas of the past few months. My emotional state has recently leveled off at around 65 percent.

However, it probably was a good thing I went to lunch, because it gave me a chance to explain in person how he has the luxury of missing some of the day-to-day stuff he seems to overlook in his weekly updates. All-in-all, it was a productive lunch with a few things on the horizon to hopefully brighten our future outlook.

I also found it fascinating to see where our landlording styles are somewhat different. I came to the following conclusion: we would have more money in the bank if he completely ran the show. We would be more profitable if I completely ran the show. We seem to have a mix of both.

Mr. Partner believes in cutting corners where ever possible. Why hire a plumbers/electricians when someone's-brother-in-law-who-knows-how-fix-whatever-is-broken-and-will-work-for-cheap is available?

Why paint a home when there is someone out there willing to take a Barney-purple master bedroom? Just get the house rented and see what happens. There is no reason to wait for a "quality tenant." Because one can't predict the future, the outcome when his-tenant-versus-my-tenant moves out might be the same. (It also might not.) Overall, it boils down to the perceived long-term benefit versus short-term gain when the outcome is unknown.

I can see his point on many of these issues--and I (begrudgingly) concide, maybe we don't need to paint the Barney-purple interior. My feeling is, if I provide a quality product, I am more likely to get a quality tenant who is willing to stay a few years? On average, my tenants stay 3 years. Given the number of homes I have, I don't have that many tenant issues.

I also find, although I have a couple of trusted handymen, if the vendor of my choice is licensed (like a plumber), they are more accountable when it comes to making repairs. I hate hearing a repair has been made only to find out the fix was a band-aid and I have to pay again.

Mr. Partner doesn't want a property management company to handle the day-to-day stuff. I have decided we have a better opportunity to keep these properties rented and less hassle if have a third party handle them. We loose 10 percent of the rent. My gamble is we get better tenants and less excuses. We cash flow either way. With my way, we just don't cash flow as much.

I once heard that internal conflict stems from doing what is wrong when you know the right answer. Because Mr. Partner and I are starting at different points in the landlording management, I am conflicted trying to save his costs when my gut tells me the possibly more expensive option would be much more worth it.

One of the best things that came out of lunch was a commitment for success. Marty and I are committed. But it was nice to tell Mr. Partner that. And, it was nice to hear that from him too.

Shaken, Not Thrown

I got an application on the house on Martin. When Jerry met with Carolsue, she told him, "Be sure to fill out the application thoroughly. The landlord has a thing about that." Carolsue assures me Jerry nodded dutifully.

On Monday, Jerry called me to tell me he was faxing the application. I got the application Tuesday night.

Wednesday morning, I looked over the application to find out there are some basic items missing. Like phone numbers for personal references. Like the amount Jerry is currently paying right now for rent. Like a phone number to contact his current employer to verify employment and income.

Feeling marginally desperate, I called Jerry to coach him into resubmitting the application with the required items included. However, Jerry's phone has one of those "at the subscriber's request, this phone is not accepting voice messages at this time." How nice.

I am pleased to say I saw this for what it was worth: a waste of time. I am also pleased to say at that moment, my initial desperation washed away like a martini thrown in the face of 1940's movie star. I was done. Jerry flunked the basic prescreening. I knew what I would be in for if I approved him.

I had already mentally moved on from Jerry when, about 30 minutes later, I got a call on my cell phone. When I answered, the caller (who happened to be calling from the number Jerry had given me), gave introduction by demanding, "Who are you? You called me? What do you need."

"I am sorry, I don't know if I called you. I made several calls this morning." I said.

The man, undeterred, wanting to why I was calling.

I asked, "To whom am I speaking to please?"

He said, "Mike."

"Hmmmm? I know I didn't call a Mike today, so I guess I didn't call you." I said and promptly hung up.

Good bye Jerry.

Next time I will just drink the martini.

The Equivelant of an Ice Pack and Two Tylenol

I already think my new property management company was a blessing from above. How else can one possibly explain the random phone call two hours after I fired the abomination of a property management company? I have to tell you, I am not one for random occurrences. Including this.

Last week, I put the bankruptcy home into property management. However, because technology hates me and I cannot fax or scan at this particular moment, Kirby hadn't received my agreement yet. All he had was my word that it was going to happen.

So what did Kirby do? He went over to the house, changed the locks and put a sign in the yard anyway. Though that may not seem like much, the expectations bar was pretty low after that last company. So, someone actually going this far out of their way with the promise of a written agreement is pretty spectacular.

The bankruptcy people left the house in fantastic condition. Even the floors were swept! Kirby is recommending I paint the interior and clean the carpets. I am willing to take care of the carpets right away. If I can't get the house rented, I will then look at painting. The colors are neutral, but I can see how they aren't for everyone.

Last I heard, Kirby was getting calls and I am feeling much better about this particular vacant home.

Is It Worth It?

"Never sue on principal," was advice given to me by one of the big-time attorneys at Arizona Public Service during my tenure there a zillion years ago.

There are some battles just not worth fighting. Mrs. Martin might just be one of those. The woman is a single mother of four, trying to get by. She wants to do right by her family. She has been known to work two jobs. In the three years she rented from me, I watched her life change to her ultimate decision, move out because I was kicking out.

When she left, the home was clean(ish). The next door neighbors say Mrs. Martin was quiet. Didn't keep pets and didn't have scary people coming in and out at all times of the day. Essentially, she was a decent tenant with financial troubles.

However, she got a couple of breaks from me. Because Marty and I owned this property without investment partners, we were in a position to be more lenient. I don't regret those decisions. But, as my ever-brilliant cyber-friend Lori once mentioned, "you can't bank good will."

The fact is, she owes me two month's rent. Though Legal Eagle did this one at a discount, Mrs. Martin owes me the legal fees for her eviction. If I have to go to court, I can ask her for the court-related legal fees too (which will be pre-paid by me and won't be discounted). And, because my lease says so, one can argue she owes me for the rent from the day she vacated to the day I get this house rented. She also owes me for the 17 cans of Kiltz because Dracula red was not on the tenant-approved kitchen color list.

But, how far can this go? If I go to court next month, I will win. I know this. And, presumably she is smart enough to know this too. I can garnish her wages. But, she is eeking by as it is. I personally think she is one huge finaical judgement away from bankruptcy. And, a garnishment from me would probably put her into bankruptcy. Or, she can just quit her job. With either of those scenarios I get nothing but a hollow victory.

Legal Eagle is trying to settle this out of court, with the hopes that I can see some return. Because if I have to go to court, I will win. But at what cost?

I Might Have To Ask Her to Stay Back 50 Feet

I think I have a stalker.

Two October's ago, I had a vacant home. A woman named Cordillia called me wanting to rent it. She said all the right things. I sent her a lease, all was set. She then disappeared without even an, "I am sorry, I changed my mind" phone call.

Last October, when Wayward's home came available, she called me again. She called excessively, demanding to see Wayward's home, bugging me and Carolsue to no end. Then, didn't rent the house.

I didn't remember her right away. But when I was looking over rental applications for the aforementioned home, everything clicked. There can't be that many people in Birmingham with the name of "Cordillia" and her last name.

Heaven help me! She is back again. Yesterday, I got a vocie mail from Cordillia asking about my house for rent on Martin and for me to please call her back. NOW! I then checked my missed calls to see she has called six times in the past 24 hours.

As she has already failed my basic prescreening process--proving she is a flake and has inappropriate interpersonal skills, I don't feel the least bit bad not returning her calls. Besides, even if I did rent to her, a year from now, she would be looking for another place to live.

Autopilot

Once upon a time, Mr. Partner suggested that these homes practically manage themselves. Sigh... Good old Mr. Partner!

This weekend, they better do just that. Carolsue is moving. I am spending the first weekend in FOREVER away from my cell phone and somewhere North of Phoenix exploring lava tubes with my family.

Ok, I will have my cell phone because I still have the Martin home available for rent and I am working on getting a tenant. But, barring anything too serious, I am off the clock.

Have a good weekend!

Not Lost In The Translation

All in the past two weeks.


Me: Your rent check hasn't arrived.
Ms. Betty: What! I sent the cashier's check last week.
Translation: I am not the least bit outraged that a sizable amount of money is missing because I didn't send it.

Me: You owe me money
Mrs. Martin: I will see you in court.
Translation: I owe the money and I am putting off the inevitable, hoping you won't show up.

Potential Tenant: We have a verbal offer on the house we are selling so we want to move as soon as possible.
Translation: We are in foreclosure and the auction is at the end of the month.

Me: I have a job for you.
Legal Eagle: I am on it.
Translation: I need to pay for the food for the pony you bought Eaglet last year.

Handyman: Look over the quote I gave you and let me know what you think.
Translation: I am freaked out about how much this is going to cost and I expect you will hyperventilate when you see this.

Carolsue: I talked to Ester and she seemed really nice. I am going to meet her at the house on Monday.
Translation: Damn! I have to go back out there again!

Potential Tenant: Is your yard fenced?
Me: No it is not.
Potential Tenant: When are y'all putting in a fence?
Me: We aren't.
Potential Tenant: You have to! That's discrimination.
Me: No it isn't.
Potential Tenant: I am going to sue you for discrimination.
Translation: I am an idiot.

A Little Good News

Howie the Hack did not answer five different requests for a status update. On Monday, I begged Legal Eagle to take this over. As I was already three heartbeats short of another stroke related to the recently messed up Mrs. Waterford's former home, I suspect Legal Eagle felt sorry for me.

Sadly, I was ok with that.

But, before I could contribute to Eaglet's future college tuition (he's 8), I got a sweet surprise. The bankruptcy people moved out! And it looks like they left the place marginally clean.

The hell with Howie.

Don't Cry For Me

I won't bore you with a rehash of how much I lothe the former property management company I fired. Ok, maybe I will...

According to the property management company--who left the tenant in the house on the move-out date and did not follow up to see if they were gone--the house wasn't that bad. It is now.

I can also tell you, I have an independent witness who can verify the former tenant did not move out when they said they were going to. In fact, they were living there on Sept. 1.

And even though the former property management company said a wall needed to be painted and the flower beds need to be weeded, apparently they missed a few things. A lot of few things. Though the pictures don't make it look as bad as the 508 house, it isn't curently habitable.

Someone is going to pay for this damage. And Legal Eagle's son is planning on going to Harvard.

It Might Be A Tad Too Subtle

I wrote the following review on Superpages for the former property management company:

I gave them one star because there is no lower rating. They had one property of mine in property management for one month. In that time they never once put a sign in the yard, advertised the property on their web site or ran an ad in their newspaper. They only made one appointment to show the home. I missed the summer window where people are moving before school starts because they did NOTHING. Thier contractor wanted to charge me $75 to give me a QUOTE on the roof (another roofer said it was fine). If you have your choice between (this company) and a brain-damaged junk yard dog to manage your home, there is only obvious choice. Make sure you have a healthy supply of Milkbones.

They still haven't given my keys back.

Euphoria

Since my nervous breakdown three weeks ago, I have been reacting to just about everything Alabama with escalating levels of trepidation mixed with anger. I have been loathe to open e-mails or listen to voice mail. Every little thing makes me more irritable than Darth Vader with a migraine.

Marty Sunshine has been picking up some of the slack, offering to take on whatever will make me less crazed. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the background on most of the ongoing issues, nor the time to handle this nonsense. He is handling Mr. Partner and a few odds and ends, but overall, this has been my burden.

This past week Ms. Betty told me rent was on the way. When I didn't get it, she gave me her best theatrical, "Are you kidding me?" She told me the Post Office cashier's check was sent on August 28. It hadn't been cashed. And she pawned her car to pay the rent. I really didn't need to hear the last part.

I don't really have the strength to deal with Ms. Betty, so I am keeping our communication on an e-mail level. Plus, it helps document everything. Which may come in handy.

On Thursday, I pointed out that, although I felt bad for her situation, it was strangely suspicious that this was the second time the post office had lost only her rent check. I also told her I needed to know how she would be rectifying this as soon as possible so I could make some decisions.

I didn't hear back Friday. But I did Saturday. If I read through her e-mail correctly, Friday Mr. Betty had his hours cut back and she wanted me to be "the first to know." Nothing was said about the lack of rent. However, she was clear future rent is going to be difficult to come up with. Did I have any solutions?

That's when the release happened. Up until that moment, everything Alabama was stroking me out. Not this! I wrote the happiest e-mail I have written in weeks:

Ms. Betty,

As you not making much effort to find the missing rent and are not committing to solving this, it looks like you have a housing problem. I wish you the best. It will save us money if you just move out this week so I don't have to start the eviction process.

The best of luck to you and your family.

The Landlord

No, I don't need another vacant home. But getting rid of Ms. Betty still makes me want to do cartwheels. As Legal Eagle once said, "Things can only go up from here."

Let's Try This Again

I greatly admire Attorney Jon. I found him several years ago on a lark. Everyone he has ever recommended to me has turned out to be gold. He is surrounded by good people. And he is a fantastic man himself. And, he is connected to the investor community in Birmingham, which has been a tremendous asset.

He doesn't handle evictions, so he gave me Legal Eagle. He recommended Jack--the world's best agent. He gave me John, my mortgage guy. Recently he gave me the name of the Matt, whom I met with during my last trip to Birmingham.

I initially met with Matt because he was an investment banker and he involved with a group of venture capitalists. Jon knew this and thought we should meet. Thank you Jon.

Matt and I left our meeting promising to catch up again when the time is right. At this moment, I don't have any way to promote future growth. I am maintaining. Matt understood this. I, like most people he is currently involved with , are products of the economy.

That was June.

In August, precisely two hours after I fired the property management company, Matt called me to say hello. He said he had run across my number two hours earlier, and thought he would give me a call. He started out by saying, "How are things going? Is there anything you happen to need?"

Matt later told me, he has no idea why he asked me that question. Especially when my answer startled him.

I said, "I need a competent property management company that handles Shelby County, and specifically Calera. Do you know one?"

It turns out Matt does know one. And, he hooked me up with Kirby. Kirby was part of the venture capitalists. He had recently started his own property management company and he is looking for quality homes and quality landlords.

Before Matt and I even spoke two weeks ago, Kirby had heard about me. Matt had told him what I was doing and that we should meet and see if we could do business. Except, I don't think property management was what he had in mind.

When Kirby and I talked last week, I told him what I expected. Specifically: don't leave a tenant in a house once they are supposed to be moved out. Advertise a home for rent and do your darnedest to rent out the place. Essentially, don't make me fire you. And don't make me call Matt and Attorney Jon.

This week, I sent Kirby a new owner agreement and a key to Mrs. Waterford's former (I hope) home. I added a few things he wasn't expecting in the owner agreement. For example, I added I will fire him if the home stays vacant for 45 days without any signs of advertising. I added my standard clause about not taking anyone who has been arrested for sex crimes or substance abuse. And I will not take anyone who has ever been evicted. Ever. I didn't add a clause about obnoxious pastors with their own utube following. I will evaluate that on a case-by-case basis.

Our first quest is seeing if Mrs. Waterford left. Our second quest is cleaning up the place and renting it as soon as humanly possible. Hopefully this time it will work out.

She's So Silly

Remember Mrs. Martin?

She and I aren't seeing eye to eye on what "oweing money means." In fact, she told the court she doesn't owe me back rent or legal expenses. Perhaps she should have read her lease a bit better. Because she does.

Unless Legal Eagle can get this settled out of court, it looks like I am going to have to explain this to the judge next month.

Roll Tide

Many years ago, while having dinner with Attorney Jon, Mrs. Jon, Jack and Mrs. Jack, the inevitable happened.

Located in Birmingham, it was one of those stereo-typical loud family Italian restaurants, the kind the Hollywood props department would design for the warm-hearted scene of the family gathering before a wedding. All was going well. Mrs. Jack and Mrs. Jon where politely inquiring about my lack of Southern lineage and how I managed to own rental properties in Birmingham. Then Mrs. Jon asked the question.

"Are you an Alabama or an Auburn fan?"

"Neither" I replied.

In a split second, the only sound in the entire restaurant was forks hitting plates as the room quieted and every eye stared at me in disbelief. At that moment I would have been more welcome with my guests if I had stood up and cheered how happy I was that the North won the Civil War 140 years earlier.

Mrs. Jon, the consummate Southern Belle, realizing my ignorance, took pity on me. She patted my hand and said, "Well, you are an Alabama fan now. Aren't you?"

I obediently nodded and festive noises were heard through the restaurant again.

So, now I am an Alabama fan.

I am Thinking About Putting This in My Craigslist Ad

It seems every un-articulate self-righteous bum has my Birmingham phone number. And, what's worse, they want more information about my home.

My screening process is not as stringent as some companies I have seen. I have some basic rules:

1. CLEARLY state your name, number and your purpose for calling.
2. If I call you back, don't answer your phone (because you are--presumably--expecting my call) with "Hey baby, watz up?"
3. Don't ask me for a reduction in the rent before you have seen the home and before you have qualified yourself as the world's best tenant.
4. A quick tip: Gainful employment is a bonus.
5. NO YOU MAY NOT PAINT THE WALLS RED.
6. It is ok for me to discriminate against rude people, people who are not legally allowed to work in the United States (see Tip 4) and those who can't complete a full sentance without swearing.
7. My religion may not be your religion. My political beliefs might not be your political beliefs. It might be in your best interest not to bring up either.

And this is just the calls in the past two days.

A Few Good Quotes

One of my basic rules in life is that I don't beg people to take my money. So, you can imagine how frustrating this can be when I can't even get one decent quote from an air conditioning company, let alone the two quotes insurance is requiring.

So far, I have received three.

Quote 1. They quoted me a number and then in parentheses spelled out a complely different number. "This will cost $50 (Forty six dollars)." I can't submit this to the insurance company as I don't want them to pay $46 if it really is $50 I have to shell out.

Quote 2. The company sent me a quote that read:

Option 1: $50
Option 2: $100

There was no explanation as to why the difference.

Quote 3: $10,000,000.

The Greatest Tenants On Earth

I am really not all that downhearted about the greatest tenants on Earth who walked into my voicemail this past week. They didn't want to wait until Sunday's open house to see my home on Martin. They were professional, articulate and passed my basic communication screening. So, Carolsue acquiesced, stopped what she was doing (which was working at the 508 house) and met these folks at Martin to show them my fabulous home.

They in turn, mentally placed their furniture in the home and figured out where the Christmas tree needed to go. They then high-tailed it to the nearest library to print out my application and fax it to me. From the time they called me to the time I got their application was less than 2 hours.

Because of their situation, they asked to pay five months in advance. Although this sounds like a gift, it isn't always. It means I am stuck with them for five months. They also asked if I could clean the place before move in. When I asked what "clean" the place meant, Mrs. Greatest Tenant On Earth said there was drink cup in the garage and a "couple" dead bugs in the bathroom. She said that was all the cleaning that house needed.

When all was said and done, I had run their credit/background/eviction and sent them a lease before lunch. They acknowledged the received the lease and promised to fax it on back. We had also set up with Legal Eagle for her to hang on to their deposits and rent until move-in. We were set.

That was three days ago and I haven't seen the lease. They aren't returning calls. I am through. And I am ok moving on. My phone is ringing. E-mails are coming my way. And if the Greatesst Tenants on Earth are this flaky now, let them pass. I will be happier in the long run.

Stop the Madness

I admit it. It is pretty easy to be the best plumber in Birmingham when the bar is pretty low to begin with. However--and maybe it is just me--I would think if I have steady work from a landlord with a gazillion homes, I might be a tad more attentive.

Angie, bless her, has been very patient about the water leak at her home. Frankly, I was under the impression it was fixed after their ineptitude caused a flood of Biblical proportions. When this happened originally, I used my best low-talking teeth clenching, "I expected better from you" speech, patented by mothers everywhere and changed for the occasional vendor.

Sadly, this past week Angie e-mailed me to tell me nope, the bathroom water leak is still there. Because of the timing involved, I asked her to call the plumber. She did. Then I called the plumber and explained I didn't want my tenant to ever call me again about this leak. TAKE CARE OF IT.

Tuesday, the plumber showed up, scratched his head and left. He never touched his tool box. He never did any plumberly things. He just left. Angie still has a broken bathroom. She is unhappy. I am livid.

Wednesday, because I was pretty sure I could not speak to them without using a high-pitched I am furious beyond all get out type of voice (also patented by mothers everywhere), I had Marty Sunshine call.

In all fairness, I was sort of hoping Marty would channel my frustration and give them hell. No. Not Marty. He was super professional and reasonable. This just didn't sit well. I watched him, knowing my ire wasn't being conveyed appropriately.

So, I started ranting in the background, loud enough to ensure the owner's wife took note. I said things like, "didn't charge them for the damage caused by the flood," this particular issue is directly related to "incompetent plumbers who have not done their job" and "I don't appreciate my tenants thinking I am a slumlord because I can't get quality work done."

Marty assures me the owner's wife was taking notes and my message was relayed. Maybe. Maybe no.

Carolsue got a call about 15 minutes later from the plumber who is supposed to meet her at Angie's home tomorrow so she can point out exactly where the water is coming from. Though I don't know what transpired between the time Marty hung up and the time he called Carolsue, he was apparently in a bad mood when he talked to her.

I have told Carolsue to take pictures. Because if this isn't fixed I am calling the board of contractors. I am not paying for an indoor swimming pool. And, I am not a slumlord.

And She Suggested My Reasoning Was Absurd

The following came as a certified letter (you know, one of those waiting-in-the-line-for-half-the-day-at-the-post-office type of certified letter) from the former property management company. The letter did not include the keys to my properties. They wrote:

"Please be advised that we are happy to honor your request. However we do not understand nor do we agree with your reasoning behind the request. Your reasoning is most absurd as there has been no misrepresentation of our company of any kind or has there been any gross non-performance."

I don't wish to get into a slap fight with these folks, so I won't respond to them. But if I were, I would say:

Dear Former Property Management Company,

While I agree there has been no misrepresentation of your company, I happen to think it would be absurd to stay with a company that doesn't represent my interests. In the five weeks you had my Martin home, you did not advertise the home--including putting up a for rent sign or even putting a picture on your Web site. I happen to know you had pictures, I gave them to you.

This was a prime opportunity to find renters, as school was about to start and this home is in a highly desirable school district. Additionally, you fully admitted to me you only made one appointment to show the home. When we discussed this during the weeks you had this home in your stewardship, you said you weren't getting phone calls. I find that absurd too. My phone hasn't stopped ringing since I began advertising it last week.

To put things in better perspective, being in Arizona, I managed to rent out two other vacant homes in this same period of time you had my Martin home in property management.

Additionally, I gave you Mrs. Waterford's (hopefully) former home for you to manage. When you went out to collect keys, you admitted to me Mrs. Waterford was still in the process of moving out, so you LEFT HER IN THE HOME without keys or any follow-up to see if she moved out.

At this time, I have no idea what kind of condition this home is in. I don't know if Mrs. Waterford left. Or if she left and has come back and taken the kitchen cabinets with her.

Though this type of thing shouldn't normally be a concern, I don't expect licensed real estate agents who have a fiduciary responsibility to their clients to do something so irresponsible. I assure you, if the home is in any way damaged, you are going to be answering to Legal Eagle.

I think it is absurd to suggest there is no gross lack of performance, as I question how you measure non-performance under these circumstances. In this case, there is no benchmark of performance.

Cancelling our contract after one month saved me a long-term headache. Essentially, you blew it. Now return my keys.

Sincerely,

The Landlord

Tenant Screening

I am back to looking for a tenant for the Martin home. This sure beats the last month of Heaven knows what screening the former property management company was doing.

Monday morning, Tiffy called at 5:45 a.m., asking me to please call her back immedately. She was "very interested."

Between the time she left her message and I called her back, I had put a lot hope into Tiffy. She put a complete sentence together. Her vocal intonation suggested she was employed. And clean. And like she didn't have rottweilers. Or king cobras. In my world, she had already moved in, paid rent and was quite happy.

When I called her back, her cell phone was disconnected. Carolsue also tried her. Yep, she didn't pay the cell bill.

I also got an application from a minor local pastor-celebrity type who wanted to rent my home. He has his own utube evangelical following. Though I was somewhat impressed, according to Carolsue, most big-time pastors in the Bible Belt have their own utube following.

This particular pastor forgot to fill out some critical segments of my application. He also allegedly spent time in jail, has filed bankruptcy had car repossessions AND his Web site brags about his get out of debt ministry.

I think I will pass.

Public Service Announcement

Even if you aren't running an accidental business in Alabama, it is really a good idea to back up your computer before there is a problem. The key phrase is, "before".

In the even you don't heed my warning and you are running an accidental business in Alabama, be prepared to loose lots of vital documents (like leases), spend hours of frustration and beg swell computer-geek family friends to help you out. These same folks might make broad-sweeping promises of miracle computer resurrection but provide no concrete deadlines whatsoever. So, be prepared to wait.

And, in the event you used the same computer to write the great American novel... well you get the gist.

Random Thoughts

I haven't gotten a single Friday follow-up from Howie the Hack as of yet. In all fairness, he gave me a Thursday update a few weeks ago. But, nothing since then.

I haven't gotten any type of response from the former property management company. It wasn't that I was hoping for a "please tell us why you dumped us" phone call/e-mail drama. But, I would prefer some sort of acknowledgement they got my letter.

Perhaps they are checking with their attorney to see if I can really fire them. If they don't have an attorney, maybe Howie the Hack can take them on.

_______________________________________________________

I have been actively searching for Alan Funt and a hidden camera. I got a call from someone looking for a home and was referred to me by Wayward Tenant!

You know, Wayward. The one who took the kitchen sink, refused to move out and made me evict her and I am still garnishing her wages even after a year? That Wayward.

Hm... Maybe she hates the guy.

Five of the Hive

Some pictures you can comb over.

Bee-leck!

The Side Quests

This week there has been very little that I would classify as an "easy" task. In fact, in order for things to run smoothly (or my variation of smoothly) I have spent several hours constructing the Rube Goldberg business model, in hopes of just accomplishing the simplest of tasks.

For example, the insurance company is asking for two quotes to replace the air conditioner at the 508 house.

The first was easy: Clay to the rescue!

Wednesday morning I called FIVE different companies before I found someone willing to give me a quote.

The first company: He and I couldn't get past the street address. The 508 home is located on a common Birmingham street. Say you lived in Chicago, you might have heard of Michigan Avenue? Say you lived in the Phoenix area, you might have heard of Camelback Road? Say you lived in New York, you might have heard of Broadway. Say you have a pulse in Birmingham, you should know this street name.

Second company: After I explained who I was and why I was calling, the woman who answered said: "You need to speak to my son. He won't be home for another hour from his other job." Apparently he does have an air conditioning service company on the side--or he does now because of the economy. He has a very pretty web site.

Third company: The woman's drawl was so thick I couldn't understand her. And, I rarely have this problem any more.

Fourth company: They are too busy to replace an air conditioner. Could I please call back next week?

Fifth company: Voicemail saying: Please leave a message as we are on vacation and the office is closed the fourth week of August. I ask you, what AC repair person goes on vacation in August?

Sending a letter firing the property management company should have been a simple task. Granted, I wanted to make sure my legal grounds were covered, so Carolsue, Paralegal Extraordinaire, wrote up my letter. However, she wasn't going to be my legal counsel if things get ugly. Therefore, I wanted to run it by Legal Eagle and give her a head's up.

However, when I called, I found out Legal Eagle no longer works at DFWLY Attorneys at Law. And, because Legal's former secretary has the personality and customer service skills of a belligerent pre-adolescent girl (Legal Eagle knows this too), there was no way she was going to provide me with any assistance or cooperation.

I did finally find Legal Eagle. She has looked over Carolsue's letter and gave her blessing.

Ms. Robin has been patiently waiting to get rid of the bees in her ceiling. The Bee Company doesn't do ceilings. The Drywall Company doesn't do bees. Finally, we found people who would do both with a smile. But they don't take out of state checks or credit cards.

Mrs. Waterford has moved out. Now that I no longer have the world's worst property management company to ignore this home, I still need a few tasks done--like showing it. So, I am actively looking for a way to get this done. Carolsue will do it if necessary, but it is pretty far.

It also needs the lawn mowed (too far for Billy) and some painting done. I have a few contacts on that side of the world, but I haven't heard back. In the mean time, I will just keep adding to my property management contraption, in anticipation of a well-oiled machine.

The Thrill is Gone

A month ago I hired a property management company to rent out the Martin house for me. In that time I have gotten Mr. Richard's home and the 508 home rented. I have never had a home sit vacant this long.

There is no sign in the yard. There is no posting on their web site. There is no advertising in the Birmingham News. In fact, if it weren't for my Craig's List postings the only way anyone would know this home was available is if they caught the presumable smoke signals the property management company is sending out.

And, as if that wasn't enough, the contractor the property management company sent out left the air conditioner at 60 degrees, causing me a $200 electric bill.

Sadly, when I interviewed property management companies last year, this company was the only one that impressed me. Now I am pretty annoyed.

I went with the breach-of-contract-lapse-in-fiduciary-duties stance when I fired them Wednesday.

At this point, I could have flown to Birmingham, spent the weekend holding the home open and spent less money than I have on a vacant home, lost rent and an outrageous air conditioning bill.

Of course, now I still have a vacant home. But at least there is a possibility of getting it rented at this point.

His Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day*

Mr. Partner heard from Marty that I didn't take last week's news very well about the missing air conditioner. In all fairness, I could have done without Marty mentioning how the entire incident made me loose the contents of my stomach. But I am sure Marty meant well in a sweet, husbandy way.

Monday I got the following sane e-mail from Mr. Partner. I didn't read it right away, as I have been on a Mr. Partner e-mail boycott. This bit of self-preservation was brought about by the 14,000 e-mails earlier last week that weren't as kind.

Here is what he wrote:

I just wanted to add my two cents on this latest incident. Burglaries are something that you cannot control and you cannot take it personally. That is what insurance is for. What we take away from this is to not buy properties in this area in future, and possibly sell this one if financially possible. Nothing else can be done.

Please take all of this with a grain of salt, we will get through it.

Thanks for all you do, it is appreciated.......SINCERELY

Aw shucks! Go figure?

*With props to Dr. Seuss for writing such descriptive prose that would eventually be as fitting for the Grinch as it is for Mr. Partner

The Honeymoon is Over

Ms. Angie is settled into her home with only a minor variety of drama. She still doesn't have a downstairs shower. Her gently used stove sported an attitude the second time she opted to cook, deciding to break down instead of performing. That sparked a slap fight between Ms. Betty and Carolsue that I will save for another post. Let's just say, if Mr. Betty wasn't appliance repair man...

I think there was some other incident that happened during Ms. Angie's first week too, but that was so four days ago.

I am guessing Ms. Angie is feeling snug as a bug in a new rug (thank you James-the-cash-only-former-hell's-angel-turned-carpet-guy). Why?

Because--as I predicted--Angie asked me to be her Facebook friend. Oh, if she only knew my whole Facebook experience can be summarized by this: I comment on my cousin's postings and I play Word Drop. To me, there isn't really much other reason for Facebook to exist. If I actually friended her, she would be so disappointed.

Meanwhile, we will have this awkward silence while I ignore her request. Though I will not be able to read postings along the lines of, "My &;^$@!#$ landlord still hasn't fixed the downstairs shower." Sorry, I will have to miss those too.

And Why is Today Not A National Holiday?

And now a shout-out to my dearest friend and bookkeeper, Bliz.

Happy Birthday!

I am glad you were a part of my youthful indiscretions. It made it a heck of a lot more fun. And besides! It ensures neither of our daughters will ever find anything out.

Here's to our lifetime friendship and a terrific birthday to you.

Just a Day in the Life

Well, it turns out I have a breaking point. And Friday I reached it. Before 8 a.m. Carolsue called and left an untimely message that the air conditioner at the 508 home had been stolen. Though I like to think of myself as a rational person, let's face it, a girl can only handle so much.

Marty stepped up, took care of the majority of this issue with some guidance from me on what to do. Call the insurance company. Do this, do that... the usual. My only contributions was an quick e-mail to the insurance company that said: "Call Marty." Carolsue called the police.

Marty also contacted Mr. Partner. At this particular moment, I don't particularly know or care what Mr. Partner thinks. And I am good with that.

There is a small amount of pleasure in knowing the thieves took a non-working air conditioner, but that is minuscule compared to the PIA factor that will follow.

I am off the clock this weekend. I am tired. Dear tenants: If anyone needs anything in the next 48 hours, call Marty.

Changes

Months ago through a conversation with Happy Camper, I was able to clarify why I did not want a property management company. Why pay twice for the same BS?

That said, there are some reasons.

For example, I don't do my own books. I did at one time. (And I assure you, Bliz is reading this, shaking her head and muttering under her breath.) Back then, I only had a couple of homes and an Excel spreadsheet. And that still took me three hours on a Sunday. I am still responsible for making sure there is money to pay the bills, but I don't have to handle the tedious debit and credit entries.

I don't do my own taxes. Diamond Jim gets to interpret the IRS code on my behalf. I still have to pay into the system. I still owe, or not owe. But I don't have to spend the hours necessary to make sure I am not audited.

I don't change my own oil. I don't sew my own clothes. But in both cases, I know how.

I have been doing my own property management. I would say this is about 84 percent successful. Ms. Betty's assertion last month that me "of all people" should understand that I don't come first when it comes to her living expenses brought to light something I suspected. I am a person in these people's eyes, not a business. People are supposed to understand. People are supposed to be compassionate.

Last month a tenant told me her purse was stolen and rent was going to be late. This particular tenant has always been on time and hasn't given me a lick of grief. As she explained, "That's why I like dealing with a 'real person' instead of a property management company. You understand." No. I don't. I have bills too.

Weeks ago--before I knew whether Mr. Richards had moved out or not--I decided I was ready to have a property manager. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision. It came from a long-time rumination of what is best. We will spend more money. But hopefully I will have more sanity.

I have found a company I like. I have negotiated the terms that are reasonable. I have asked to pick my own vendors, so I can keep Carolsue and Baseball Guy if they are available. I can keep Legal Eagle, Clay and the best plumber in Birmingham. I can even hire Billy!

Repairs under a certain dollar amount I won't be bothered about. And I can add supplemental addendum to their lease so that nobody can declare bankruptcy on me and the filters have to be changed every month.

The first house that went into property management was the Martin House. Next will be Mrs. Waterford's soon-to-be-former home (she is moving out Friday). Eventually others may find their way there too.

It isn't that I am giving up property management all together, I am just making what I do less cumbersome. Carolsue is still going to be my Everything Super Woman for homes I am taking care of.

Is this the right thing? I don't know yet. The Martin House is still vacant. And if it stays vacant much longer, I might reevaluate my decision. But for now, I am willing to try them out. Mr. Partner isn't going to be excited about Mrs. Waterford's home. But, that was one of the e-mails I sent him last month that he didn't respond to.

I will still manage the majority of my homes, including Ms. Betty's (sigh). If I am satisfied with the job the company is doing, I may look at transitioning some of my other homes over as time goes on. This way I can see if a property management company really is in my best interest. Or, if I really was better doing the way I was doing it.

Ultimately, I want my free time with my company to be consumed with other things. I want to grow our concept. I want to run my company; not manage the day to day fire drills.

Ship Mates

Marty Sunshine's uncle is one of those types who sees the glass half-full. You could be stranded in a row boat, in the middle of the ocean, a category 5 hurricane heading straight at you while a school of ravenous sharks circle. He would say, "Won't this make a fabulous story once we get back to land?" And he means it.

That's why Uncle Sunshine astonished me when he once offered me this piece of wisdom some years back, "The only ship that doesn't float is a partnership." This has been ringing in my ears the past two days.

I am certain Mr. Partner will get over his frustrations. And, even if he doesn't, I am no longer reading his e-mails, so I won't know. Besides, what is he going to do at this point? Fly out to Birmingham and rip the air conditioner off the property and hand it back to Clay? Ask the plumber to restore the leak? Glue the precarious limb back on to the home?

Marty delicately explained yesterday that this is our (Marty's and mine) money too. We are all in this together. To Marty's credit, he didn't mention that perhaps Mr. Partner would have a lot less to complain about if he hadn't ignored all of July's updates where we asked for his input. I wouldn't have been so diplomatic.

And, for the record, things aren't anything like last summer. This isn't so bad.

The Grumpy Mr. Partner

Mr. Partner has come out of his hidey-hole long enough to realize things aren't going all that well. Of course, had he been reading the weekly updates for the past six weeks, he might have connected the dots sooner.

Mr. Richard's home left us with a few surprises. A water leak. A broken air conditioner that would cost as much to repair as to replace. Missing 25-year old appliances. A leaking/rusted shower pan enveloped in tile. The list goes on. Insurance doesn't cover general maintenance. It covers vandalism. None of these things are vandalism. They are neglect from Mr. Richards, who didn't bother to tell me about the shower, air conditioner and water leaks.

I tasked Marty with prepping Mr. Partner with the news. My feeling is if I have to deal with the direct line of chaos, I am not making it worse by passing it along to the Mr. Partner volcano.

Mr. Partner did contact Marty and opted to copy me on his notes. He said a lot of things, but it boiled down to: "I am not happy." And for the record, I am not either. But, I am dealing with this garbage on a daily basis. He just hears about it once a week.

It used to be, I took this very personally. But after all these years, I happen to know me being at the helm didn't cause these issues. In fact, I encourage Mr. Partner to step up if he can do better.

It isn't my fault we had a tenant (who has lived in this house for more than four years) file bankruptcy and now feels he should live for free until at least November. It isn't my fault the 508s trashed their house. It isn't my fault Mr. Richards (apparently) had a bit of a gambling issue and sold everything not nailed down to appease those looking for him.

I screen my tenants before they move in. There isn't anything in my screening process that accounts for a compulsive gambler, abusive relationships or other potential life-altering situations. I don't have a crystal ball to tell me how the people renting from me will behave from the second they arrive until the day they leave.

This week I have another tenant moving out. She is getting a divorce and has lost her job. She isn't staying and living off me for free. She is moving on. I appreciate that.

I invite Mr. Partner to take this over. Because I would be thrilled to get weekly updates. It would be refreshing for a change.

Guilt Trip

I got a fax on Saturday from someone who had heard of me. He sent me my application--filled out--with a note telling me he has a lease-purchase agreement with his landlord. However, his landlord's home (which this guy is living in) will be foreclosed upon Friday.

He was asking me to buy this home. And, he added this caveat: "You are my last hope."

Because I got this note less than a week before the foreclosure auction, there is no way I can evaluate this. I don't know what he is paying for rent, how much the home is worth or the nature of his agreement. And, because this is happening days from now, there probably isn't time for anyone else to help him either.

Sadly, he didn't leave me an e-mail address, so I guess I will be calling him to give him the bad news. He is moving.

Thier Slogan is "Simplify Your Life"

After spending an enormous amount of time on the phone with the power company this week, I found out they have no motivation to turn on the electricity to the 508 house.

The first reason they gave me was because there was an overdue bill from the Fultondale home. It wouldn't have been overdue if Bliz had gotten the bill. Apparently they sent it to Michigan. Bliz doesn't live in Michigan.

Once the bill was paid (instantly from the moment we found out), they still wouldn't allow power to be turned on. Why? Because the former tenants owe money. Let me summarize. Tenants didn't pay power bill. Anyone from this point forward wanting electricity at that house can't have power at this time because FORMER TENANTS WHO NO LONGER LIVE THERE owe money. I am sure it makes sense if you don't think about it too hard.

What I was told as the only remedy for this predicament was that I was to personally show up on the electric company's door step with proof of ownership. Once they verify I am the rightful owner, they will then turn on the power.

On Wednesday, when I called I was handed this predicament. This was the conversation that ensued.

Me: "I am in Arizona. Can I just fax the deed?"
Electric company representative: "No, you have to come in person. That's the only way."
Me: "Arizona isn't next to Alabama, it isn't like I can just hop in the car and get over there."
And she said: "It isn't?"

Have you ever had one of those moments where every vein in your head was ready to explode? That was about my point. So, I asked for her supervisor, figuring someone over there had an IQ higher than 17. The customer service rep hung up on me.

Carolsue, armed with a power of attorney is now taking care of this issue. After all, say I was incapacitated, someone on my behalf should be able to handle this right? There has to be a way for someone other than the owner to turn on the power.

Friday I got an e-mail from Carolsue. It said:

"I cannot get the power on at 508 until Monday at the earliest. The reason behind this is that I became so frustrated at the 'customer service representative' who was waiting on me that I asked to speak with her supervisor who will not be back until Monday. Don't even ask."

I don't need to.

The Perfects

So, I was talking with Trish--who does not know about my blog, but does know I own a rental home or two. She was telling me her "perfect tenants" have gone crazy.

When they moved in last April, Mr. and Mrs. Perfect were paying a week early. They didn't complain. They loved the house. All was good. Then summer hit.

The house has had air conditioning issues. Each time the Perfects called, Tricia took care of them immediately. However, according to the Perfects, their electric bills are in the $600s. They want to be reimbursed for this.

I am no air conditioning expert, but I happen to think that a $600 electric bill is more than an air conditioning issue. Perhaps they are running heavy machinery? Perhaps they keep leaving doors and windows open? Perhaps Mrs. Perfect, a stay at home mom in her first trimester of pregnancy, wants the house super-duper cold?

My own home is about the same size as Trish's rental. I have had air conditioning issues. And, long ago I have worked for the local electric company and learned a few things about billing. Nope, not buying the $600 electric bill solely from the air conditioner.

In addition, Mr. Perfect is demanding to be reimbursed for taking time off to meet the air conditioning repair man at the rental home. Did I mention Mrs. Perfect is at home all day? And did I mention Mr. Perfect is self-employed?

Last week, Mr. Perfect came to Trish demanding she lower the rent by $500. Why? Because there is a home nearby similar to the one they are living in that is for rent for $500 less than they are paying now. For the record: Arizona is not a rent-control state. Mr. Perfect said if they don't lower the rent, they were leaving Sept. 1.

That's when Trish dropped this bomb on me. The Perfects announced they were using their security deposit for rent this month. Forgetting this was her drama, not mine, I said, "They can't do that."

"Why not?" she asked. "They just said they were going to." And she tells me, she was meeting with them in a few days to have a "pow-wow" over the whole electric bill and lowering the rent issues. She said she just wants to make sure they are "on the same page."

I explained to Trish, there was no "same page." The Perfects just don't have the rent money. They are in violation of their lease. There should be no renegotiating their rent amount. The Perfects decided to rent her home for that price. There is a lease in place that says they will do so. If they find something cheaper later on, that's nice. But, it is like buying a BMW and then deciding they want Corolla. But they are stuck with the BMW payments.

The Perfects should not get reimbursed for their utilities. Trish has no idea why their electric bill is so high, but that doesn't mean it is from an air conditioner being on the fritz for six hours. And, if Mr. Perfect decided to stay home from work and wait for the AC guy, that's nice. But not Trish's problem.

But none of that matters anyway. The Perfects are in big trouble. They don't have the rent. In fact, this is pretty classic signs of someone who is hard up for rent money. So, for Trish, the first step is to start the eviction process. Now, not later.

I recommended a few things. First, no pow-wow. It clouds the lease if she has to go to court. Don't make deals. Trish is the boss. There is no "same page." She has an agreement in place for a reason.

Second, no renegotiating the rent amount. Because at this point, if Trish charged $50 a month, it wouldn't be enough of a break. For whatever reason, these people want out of the lease. And I predicted they were going to get out of the lease one way or another.

Third, if they have to go to court (Mr. Perfect is threatening to sue over missed work and high utility bills), all she has to say is "They are in violation of their lease because they have not paid rent." Plain and simple. The judge won't care about the utility bills. The judge won't care about the missed work. The tenants have not honored their contract.

That's when Trish shared with me this gem: she has gotten two calls this week from people asking for a landlord reference for the Perfects. "Do you think they are moving out?" she asked.

Yes, yes I do. And, she should consider herself lucky to be rid of these people.

Southern Justice

Howie the Hack was a referral from Pete the Attorney.

On Monday, before I turned in the Alabama Bar Association malpractice info, I went to Pete and said, "by the way, the guy you referred to me didn't perform. We are in a bind. I am sad." I didn't scream "malpractice," but vaguely suggested that I was looking at a recourse to our new predicament--Howie's lack of response.

My thought was parlaying with Pete was probably faster and would save me the headache of filing with the BAR. And, given the paperwork, it would probably save several small rain forests and a future aneurysm as well.

I honestly though Howie and I were done. After all, missing that meeting was pretty much saying we had no issue with these bozo tenants staying until their youngest graduates from medical school 25 years from now. So, I figured we were stuck with this.

When Pete e-mailed me back, he gave a heart-felt apology and asked for my number, assuring me Howie would soon be calling. I didn't believe it. I was already on to my latest adventure and would shoot off an e-mail to Legal Eagle for some help next week.

Instead, Howie called today. Not only did I get an apology from him for not returning our three phone calls the last two weeks and ignoring the creditor meeting, but he gave me a thorough update on everything he was doing. Apparently he is now motivated to help us.

He has contacted the Bozo Tenant's attorney and the bankruptcy judge asking for a stay on our behalf. He is consulting his Magic 8 Ball and seeking answers as to when we could get this house back. He is calling his Italian cousin Harry the Hacksaw to see if perhaps he might need a side job. (Ok, I made up one item on that list).

And, by the way, he would be happy to update me on a regular basis. How did every Friday sound? Would I prefer an e-mail or a phone call? Say about 3 p.m.?

I don't know what transpired between Pete and Howie, but I am guessing it was an interesting conversation.

And it is Only Tuesday

Recently I have come to the conclusion I am treading water in the Sea of Incompetence.

For example, we are trying to get the power turned on at the 508 home to start the repairs (finally!). However, the power company is refusing to do so because we have an outstanding bill. This was the first we heard of this. In fact, had the power company sent the bill, Bliz would have paid it with a smile. But they didn't.

The plumbing episode speaks for itself, though when I follow up with them I am sure I can add my two cents' worth. I am pleased to hear the first guy out there who missed the waterfall had what was coming to him. It gives me hope.

Then there is Howie the Hack. 'Nuff said.

My latest bout of stupidity is also with Mr. Richards' former home. The downstairs shower is not usable at this time. The home is 30 years old and the drain pan is leaking. In order to get to the drain pan, it requires ripping apart the shower tile, replacing the drain pan and then putting in new tile. The plumber doesn't handle this, so I found Flip. Apparently he specializes in replacing shower drain pans and all the subsequent tile work involved.

Flip was kind enough to head over to the house, use the lock box to get himself in, and give me an outrageous quote. Instead of putting the key back into the lock box, he left the key on the counter and locked the door on his way back out.

At least he had the decency to call to see if I found this to be a problem. Um... yes. Yes it is. I have appliances scheduled for delivery tomorrow. I have rescheduled them twice because of the water leak. And, it doesn't really show Flip in the best light.

At this moment, I can't get a second opinion to see how far off Flip's quote happens to be because the keys are inside the house. The appliances still aren't delivered because the keys are inside the house. And, I can't let Angie move in because the keys are inside the house.

Though this will be remedied, it shouldn't have happened. And, it is one more hole in the life raft in the Sea of of Incompetence.

I am Dizzy Just Writing This

The best plumber in Birmingham is getting on my nerves.

Mr. Richards former home had a few water leaks (seriously, he lived like this???). One of these is in the upstairs bathroom. There is another issue in the downstairs basement shower. The upstairs bathroom is an immediate concern. The downstairs shower isn't a big deal.

Let me rephrase this: THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM MUST GET FIXED. NOW. I have a tenant moving in this week. And, right now we can't turn the water on to the house unless I am planning on offering a waterfall and an indoor pool to Angie.

Last week, Carolsue met the plumber at the house, explained to him the situation. She didn't need big 5" x 7" color glossies--though maybe that would have helped in hindsight. The water leak was apparently obvious. It was leaking from the upstairs bathroom into the garage.

The plumber determined with his sage wisdom, the problem was the kitchen sink. Yes, the kitchen sink was dripping on to the bottom cabinet. But, as she explained, but this drizzle was coming from the bathroom. He nodded his head, and Carolsue took that for plumber language as "I have it under control."

Saturday, Carolsue came back to find out the leak wasn't fixed and water was coming out of areas where water isn't supposed to be. If there had been an enterprising neighbor, they might have sold admission to the indoor water slide.

Monday morning I called back and talked to the plumbing company's owner, explaining the leak wasn't fixed. In fact, if we turn on the water to the house, we have a geyser. The owner explained to me the downstairs shower was the problem. Now I realize I am not there, but I can figure out if water is dripping from the ceiling into the garage, that the downstairs basement shower cannot be the issue. The basics of gravity are in play here.

Monday morning, Carolsue called them too and explained the basement shower was not causing water to seep through the upstairs ceiling into the garage and could they kindly come back out and try again.

Monday afternoon I got a call from the best plumber in Birmingham. They gave me the name of someone who handles shower repairs, as they can't remove tile to make this repair. They wanted to help me out so I can get my shower repaired. Though I appreciate their attention to detail on this shower thing, too bad this isn't really the issue.

When I called the plumber today, I was told by the owner the plumber went back out to the house and the water meter had been pulled, so he borrowed water from the neighbor and poured it down the kitchen sink drain. Yep, the the drain is fixed. And, the shower still has an issue. And, by the way, the dishwasher is missing. For the record, the meter is still there and the dishwasher was missing last time he was there too.

Keeping with the whole good cop-bad cop thing, Carolsue called and explained in a Southern-hear-me-roar kind of way, that they really messed this one up. The water leaking from the upstairs bathroom had gotten worse. The water was off at the meter--but the meter was still there--to prevent future flooding and could someone please take care of this NOW. From what I understand, Carolsue was greeted with a few "bless your hearts" from the owner's wife and a commitment that the plumbing flunkie would be calling to resolve this.

Ok, I have mental vertigo now. And I hope Angie can swim.

Howie the Hack

Despite the contrary, I don't like conflict. I don't seek it out. I don't want it. But I don't tolerate a ton of crap either. My philosophy is: do your job, communicate or get out of my way. Though I prefer polite communication, there are times I will settle for a loud grunt--as long as the job gets done.

I haven't talked about the humdinger that hit us this summer. It was the cherry on top of a few annoying odds and ends. I had a tenant file Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Last year they filed Chapter 13, which means they were reorganizing and paying back their debt. This year, they said, the hell with everything and stopped paying.

And, because bankruptcy laws are federal, at this moment there isn't anything I can do. They are living there. In my home with the most expensive mortgage. Doing whatever. Worse yet, I can't contact them because lawyers are involved.

Or, at least I thought lawyers were involved. I couldn't use Legal Eagle for this one, as bankruptcy isn't her speciality. So, I got the name of Heinous Howie the Hack, Attorney at Law, from one of my sources.

At first Howie returned calls. All was good. I wasn't going to have to head out to Alabama on July 30 for a creditor meeting to plead with the judge to make these people leave my home. So, I kept my other plans of taking my kids to summer camp in Tucson.

On July 28, Howie called with bad news. My tenants weren't going to leave. On July 29, Marty called Howie and said: call us back. This isn't good. On July 30, I called and said something similar. All the while, under the impression Howie was going to this creditor meeting.

I still haven't heard from Howie. I think there is a more likely chance Mrs. 508 and I are the best of friends than Howie followed through. Which puts us in a real bind. If Howie was going to flake it would have been nice to know this weeks ago. I could have found better legal counsel. I could have gotten someone to go to the creditor meeting. I could have flown out myself.

But, not telling us is a serious breech. And that is too bad for Howie. Because the Alabama BAR doesn't take well to attorneys who let down their clients. And, I really didn't need another project.

Mr. Partner

Mr. Partner has checked out. I would prefer to join him, as my plate has been a bit on the heaping side of late. But just like a marriage, two people can't be having a crisis at the same time.

And, right now Mr. Partner is dealing with some bad-ass family stuff. Or, at least I think he is. Last time he went MIA, that was what was going on. And, given he is exhibiting the same behavior, Marty and I are betting our bottom dollar it is happening again.

We know he is alive, because his e-mails aren't bouncing back. And, he just sent me a bill for home owner's insurance that is due in THREE days. However, I sent him a request three weeks ago and haven't heard a peep. Usually he is right on that.

I also tossed a bunch of relevant information his way recently and didn't get much of a response on that front either. Which means I get to make the decisions. And, to top it all off, an air conditioner has to be replaced. Unfortunately, it is beyond the repair stage. So, I will send that note his way knowing he will either ignore it or get caught up and give me lots of now-irrelevant feedback he has been storing up.

Just Trying to Stop Another Awkward Facebook Request

Mr. Richards' former home wasn't even painted--much less advertised for rent--when I got a call out of the blue. It was Angie. She wanted to know if I have any homes to rent? I do! And, Mr. Richards' former home might fit the bill.

Angie and I have been talking for about two years. She calls intermediately, asking what I might have available. Oddly enough, up until a few days ago, I did not know how she had originally gotten my number.

Apparently she is somehow related to Mrs. Martin. So, she knows I garnish when I don't get paid. That will save us both the step of testing my limits. And even knowing I don't like not getting paid, she still wants to rent from me.

Angie loved Mr. Richards' former home. Which I found odd, given the state it was in when she saw it. The appliances haven't been delivered. There is a water leak that has reached critical mass and the air conditioner opted to go on strike the day she showed up. Carolsue, with her best Southern hospitality, let her see the mess anyway.

I was about to approve Angie when she committed a faux pas. She included me on one of those "forward this to 20 people and your wish will come true" e-mails.

For all of you Fair Housing purists, it is not illegal to discriminate against someone who sends irritating spam chain letter e-mails. In fact, I would think it would be a public service to stop this type of annoyance before it gets out of hand. Let's face it, is there really any amount of rent worth those types of e-mails?

What blows me away is Angie is in her mid-40s, is a working professional and presumably knows better. Or, I thought she might. At any rate, if I do end up approving her, it looks like we will have to have the "just so we are clear, we are not friends" talk.

The Non-Existent Magic Landlord Wand

Recently, my 71 year old father, who is into broad sweeping generalizations and hasn't discovered I am over 40, mentioned that landlords never take care of their homes. Though Dad knows I am a landlord, I am aware I wasn't on the radar in that statement. After all, I am only 11 in his eyes.

I found that to be an interesting perspective from Dad and began wondering if if most tenants felt like that. Facebook Debbie has had issues with her lodging this week. Carolsue has a broken sink. I have another friend who is renting and has continual challenges with her air conditioner.

I can't speak for all landlords. I can tell you I like well maintained homes. That doesn't mean I jump at every little thing that needs to be fixed. The basics: roof/plumbing/electrical/heating/cooling are obvious. To me, anything that impacts the health and safety of someone's life needs to be addressed immediately.

Landlords who run their investments like a business tend to be cost-conscious. Therefore, in general, they are more likely to want to fix than replace. And, if they have to replace, it doesn't mean they want to buy new. Sometimes a nice stove can come from craigslist.

As we are stoking the fires of our investment, pricing is a factor. I have a home with air conditioning issues. Most likely it would be in my best interests to replace the unit. However, I would rather just get it repaired right now. It is significantly cheaper and resolves the same problem. The repair takes less time than a new unit replacement too. In the end, the tenant has air. That's what they want.

One of the legitimate claims tenants make is how it takes to get repairs made. The legitimacy is the length of time. However, most of the time, the length of time it takes to get the repair made has nothing to do with who makes the call. The secret I think tenants sometimes forget is simply, an electrician can't get to a home any faster for a tenant or a homeowner. A home that has a water leak will get fixed when the plumber gets there--which is sometime after the call is made. And there lies the rub. The landlord has to make the call.

Yes, I know there are landlords who really don't care. Or really don't have the money. Or really don't think these issues are a major hassle to their tenants. The landlords pay the price. The tenants leave. The property becomes destroyed over time. It is amazing what a water drip can turn into over the course of a year.

As much as I wish there was a magic landlord wand. There isn't. When there is a problem with a broken do-hickey, there is frustration on everyone's end, with the landlord getting the brunt of the blame. Sometimes it is legitimate. Sometimes it is not.

Facebook Debbie

Facebook Debbie has decided to get a lawyer. I am watching her posts, mildly curious as to what on Earth she is going to do. Sue the landlord for what? He has immediately stepped up and taken care of the problem. He didn't cause the problem.

Yes. It is yucky. Yes. It is annoying. Yes. It is unfortunate. Yes. We get it.

Can you sue for being inconvenienced? A bathroom flooded. She is still living there, with additional rooms to utilize until the mess is fixed. She has family close by that could take her in. I don't know if her possessions were destroyed or not (she hasn't said, and given how much drama she has included, I would think that would have been mentioned). At any rate, it seems to me that renter's insurance would have been a good idea for her. Hope she has it.

Granted, I am just reading her posts and not commenting. She is garnering a lot of sympathy from like-minded others. What seems to be missing is: What else can the landlord do at this point?

If she asks to get out of her lease, I am willing to bet the landlord will help her pack. Not because she has any legal recourse, but because he probably doesn't want to deal with her. Sadly, she will claim this as a victory against the landlord. Instead of what it really is. An accident.

I Am Pretty Sure I Have Covered This Bee-Fore

Ms. Robin e-mailed me. The bees are back. She found honey dripping from her wall (ew!).

However, unlike certain tenants I have, Ms. Robin is proactive, actually taking the time to call a beekeeper before she contacted me. I am guessing she recognizes I am here and her problem is there.

Although she made the phone call, I am sure she was muttering under her breath as she wrote to me, "I am sure not paying for this...." And sigh. No, she isn't.

Why Indeed?

I am not exactly a fan of Facebook. I am on there because my brothers, sister-in-law, cousins and a handful of friends are also on there. In fact, one my most recent friend acquisitions was actually Bliz--which is pretty funny when you consider she and I talk more through Twitter.

I have noticed there is also the other echelon of Facebook friends--those I knew 20 to 30 years ago and never bothered to keep in touch with. Now I remember why. Of course, these are always the people who monopolize the majority of the updates.

Take Debbie for example. She is having issues with her landlord, giving the rest of us the play-by-play drama. Apparently there was a plumbing issue, causing (she said) sewage to leak into a portion of the master bathroom and bedroom. She took the time to post pictures too. It looked like basic water damage to me. But I am not a plumber and I am not living there.

It doesn't sound pleasant, but Debbie is blaming the landlord for this. From what I understand, this is a home built in the past 5 years. She has been living there for a good portion of a year. However, because the landlord owns the home, it is his fault.

In addition to him being solely responsible for the plumbing issue, she has been regularly updating her posts with variation of how uncooperative the landlord is about getting this fixed. For example, this happened Wednesday afternoon. It took two hours for the restoration company showed up. I was impressed at that level of service. Debbie wasn't. The insurance adjuster didn't come until first thing Thursday. I waited 10 days for Finn. The repairs are being made Saturday and should be completed the same day. She had to wait three days before she "gets her house back." Three days for repairs? To me, that sounds like a dream come true.

Granted, this sounds like a major inconvenience. I am sure it is rightfully unpleasant and nobody should have to deal with it. However, apparently the mess or the (presumable) stench it isn't bad enough for Debbie and her family to leave for a family member's couch for a few days.

Debbie's last posting mentioned the insurance adjuster told the landlord the tenants were looking to file a claim for rent because they are living in these conditions. According to her post, the landlord is furious. Though she is denying this, Debbie wanted to know why the landlord would believe the adjuster.

I can tell you why! She probably did say something--several somethings--giving this impression. The adjuster probably has seen this type of tenant and/or this type of situation before--with the tenant claiming they have been damaged (let's not confuse "damage" and "inconvenienced," there are two other working bathrooms and three other bedrooms). The adjuster has nothing to loose, nor does he have anything to gain from making this up.

When I have a high maintenance tenant who manufactures drama, I am not quick to take their word for it either.

Request

Hello!

I would like to ask a favor from my readers.

I would like to know what is of value in this blog. I often get comments that this blog is interesting, but I am looking for specifics about what is useful as a potential or current tenant/landlord/investor/casual observer with a lust for someone else's drama.

I am gathering research. I would really appreciate any and all feedback--even if you don't own a rental. You are welcome to e-mail me or leave a post.

Thanks!

What Comes Around...

Before Mr. Richards was beamed up, he took the dishwasher and the stove with him. The lawn mower is also missing, so I am guessing there is a charitable neighbor on that block.

However, Mr. Richards did leave a refrigerator with meat in it. The power had been off for weeks. He also left behind a summons to appear in court last May. And paperwork for the title-pawn shop. I guess he isn't seeing that car any time soon.

Mr. Richards. I will catch up with you. I promise.