Negotiating a Win-Win Scenario

Shannon

I forgot to mention the part of Shannon's e-mail that made me roll my eyes 180 degrees. He told me to give him my mortgage balances so he would "know how much to offer" for my homes.

Here's an idea Shannon, offer what you want to offer and see what I say. That would be more in line with the "win-win" don't you think?

I Think I'm Qualified to Deal With the Unpredictable

So last week I got an e-mail from someone named Shannon. Turns out Shannon is a dude, by the way. Anyway, Shannon wrote me, said he got my e-mail address from some former employee (but didn't say who) and that he heard I wanted to sell my properties. Anyway, he was checking in to tell me he would love to take a few houses off my hands.

I immediately replied, cc'ing Kirby, and saying, "Talk to the guy who represents me." Kirby in turn told me later what their game plan just happens to be. I am quite familiar with what they do, because I have talked to several people over the years who have actually been to the seminars put on by "successful investors" who are told to do the exact same thing. The very first part of the seminar happens to be that the attendee has to make 100 hand-written signs and place them all over town with phrases like, "I buy homes for cash. Any condition." I feel like I have talked several folks out of going down this path of investing, but apparently, I didn't happen to reach Shannon.

Anyway, what Shannon is planning to do is lease my home from me, find a tenant and just pay my mortgage. He would get any residual money from the transaction. Why would I do this when I can just rent out my own homes? I am not sure.

His other suggestion was for me to carry the mortgage on these properties, transfer title to his name, and once again he would just pay my expenses and take what is left for himself. If the house burned down, if the tenant ran a meth lab or any numerous scenarios I may have written about in the past eight years happened, it would be my ass on the line, not Shannon's. I am very familiar with this last scenario, because I did an unsuccessful micro-version of this and ended up will all my homes back at the end of the day. However, this was before the Dodd-Frank Act which makes such a thing on a grand scale illegal.

When Kirby told me Shannon's grand plan, we both had a great chuckle. Nope. I wasn't interested. But Shannon wasn't to be deterred. He had Michael, his "aquisistionist" (Kirby said, "is  aquisistionist even a word??") send me an e-mail--completely bypassing Kirby-- saying "When are we doing this? Sign here."

I responded kindly saying I was only interested in a straight sale, one where title was transferred and I would no longer be involved for any reason. I wasn't interested in lease purchases. I wasn't interested in carrying a mortgage. But if they wanted to make an offer on a property, I would consider it. Otherwise, please have a nice day.

One would think that would be enough, but instead Shannon sent me a condescending e-mail full of grammatical errors and misspellings. Mind you, he didn't send it to Kirby, MY AGENT. Just to me. Shannon said that I "obviously didn't understand their business model," because otherwise I would be absolutely excited to jump at his generous offer. Keep in mind, both of his offers were for me to just give him the houses and keep the liability.

Shannon also said he is the only person in Birmingham who can structure this deal and it would be--I'm not making this up--a win-win for both of us. He also went on to tell me of all the ugly things that would happen to me if I didn't give him my homes, including (but not limited to): me having to take care of these homes, deal with tenants, pay taxes, pay homeowner's insurance and--again, I am not making this up--I would be forced to "deal with the unpredictable."

Oh no. Not that.

Marty Sunshine read the e-mail over my shoulder and said, "He thinks he is negotiating."

I replied, "He thinks I am two degrees shy of stupid."

I forwarded the e-mail to Kirby. We both had a great laugh at Shannon's expense. When Kirby replied he said, "Oh boy. I didn’t know that he was the only one that can structure those kind of deals. I need to hook up with him so that I can learn how to do them." 

Yea. Me too. 

What Went Right (the Big Picture)

I tend to write more about what goes wrong in our accidental business because, let's face it, it is less boring. But today I wanted to take a moment to discuss what went right.

1. I surrounded myself with quality people. It took a while, but I could see positive changes when I did so. For example, I had the wrong real estate agent for a long time. I wanted to be loyal, because she was loyal to me. But I realized at one point she wasn't a good fit. So, I found someone who was: Jack. Jack was a great fit at the time for many reasons. First, he understood investing the way the Rajun Cajun never did or would. Second, he set boundaries with me I didn't even know I needed. I appreciate all the Rajun Cajun did to help me (and she was paid for her assistance), but I would have handled those chores myself or found people who could help me if Jack hadn't told me upfront what his expectations were.

1.1 I also found someone who would help with the daily boots on the ground kind of work. I owe a great deal of gratitude to Carolsue for this. Thank you my friend.

2. I (finally) hired a property management company. In all fairness, when the market changed in 2008 and I saw that our business model was changing to rentals instead of to a REIT, I fought for a property management company. Mr. Ex-Partner didn't want to spend the money on having someone else manage our homes, after all, he had me. Marty--and I am not being unkind, just stating the facts--didn't realize how stressful managing a gazillion homes was on me and the toll it was taking on my health. After a surgery in 2009 to fix something in me that was caused by stress, he started to come around. But if the truth be told, I just went out and got a property management company. When I did it, I didn't ask permission. Nor am I sorry.

3. I figured out what good tenants looked like. Granted, this was a direct correlation from experiencing bad tenants. But once I got rid of the Waywards, Mrs. 508s and Mr. Smiths of the world, I became more selective. Carolsue's input was invaluable. Though I didn't always listen to her, she was right about folks more often than not. Please understand, there is a huge difference between "bad tenant" and "obnoxious tenant." I had several obnoxious tenants you are more than welcome to read about in the archives of this ole' blog. But obnoxious people having personal problems that trickle down to their landlord is very different than just downright bad people renting my homes.

4. I knew when to get out. However, I couldn't convince our three partners (Marty and the Ex-Partners) I was right. I take a smug satisfactions in knowing this. But an, "I told you so!" doesn't get me anywhere.

5. We started buying homes in the right neighborhoods. If I had to do it all again, I can think of four properties Rajun Cajun advised us about and encouraged us to buy that I wouldn't touch again. The "right homes" we bought were always winners. The "wrong homes" we bought were always losers.

6. The education I got from this experience is invaluable. It is also intrinsic. There is no way to cover all I have learned, such as conducting business in the South--another culture--managing a company, forecasting, talking with investors, lawyers and banks, and lots of other things my college degree touched but didn't really do justice. I remember meeting with a group of investors, me the Yankee, them the Southern boys. I felt awkward and inadequate stumbling through my presentation (that I had practiced for weeks leading up to that moment). When I was done, I answered questions and got the approval and agreement for funding I was looking for. I was floored. I had taken a big step in growing our business. Of course, this was late 2007/early 2008, so the rest didn't go the way I hoped, but I wouldn't be afraid to do that kind of thing again if I had to.

7. Speaking of not being afraid, I would start another business. I would invest again and probably will in the future. Next time I hope what I have gained from this experience has a better outcome.

Lessons Learned

I have spent a lot of time thinking of what we did right and wrong in our accidental business. I have been doing this because, right now, I have a lot of time to think. There are many mistakes, that if I could take back, probably would still lead me to this moment in time. I am finally at peace that I have done all I could. Of course, if we hadn't invested in Alabama in the first place... No. If I had continued to invest in Arizona real estate, I believe I would have had the same outcome--but maybe with twice the work because I never would have been able to hire a property management company to run things.

That said, this post is not about what I did, or did not do, right or wrong. But what happened outside of my scope of influence. I realize I bought the houses, picked the tenants and managed everything. That's on me. And if I ever take on something like this again, I promise I have a better understanding of what to do. But before I invest again, perhaps I will get a time machine and see what the world looks like 10+ years from now.

We invested in homes in Alabama starting in 2003 for two reasons. First, there was a significant shortage of rental homes in the Birmingham area and an overflow of eligible renters. When I realized this, it blew me away. In fact, one time I advertised for renters in the Birmingham Sunday paper--before buying the house--and the Rajun Cajun called me at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning and told me her voice mail box was full of expectant tenants and exactly what was my plan here? Because I had a Phoenix mentality, I figured I would get one or two potential renters by advertising in the paper, let them find the house I could buy and be on my merry way. I ended up buying eight homes within a six month period. All based on one Sunday ad.

The other reason we invested in Alabama was that we could buy a rental home in the Phoenix metro area at the time for $200,000 and rent it out for $800 a month. We bought our first home (the one in Leeds) for $75,000 and rented it out for $950. So, it made sense in 2004 to 2006 to sell my Arizona homes and invest in Birmingham. Because money was cheap to come by, we didn't pay cash for our homes, but financed them. That gave us the buying power to pick up a gazillion properties all at once. After all, the market was booming. Prices would go up, right?

It wasn't just that we had illusions of grandeur. The banks believed in us. The tenants believed in us. Investors--I mean big money investors with millions to spend--believed in us. Even the SEC attorneys I visited in early 2008 thought our business model was spot on. By then we had four years of success. Our financial statements rocked. Our bank accounts looked great.

However, there were a couple of items that changed the landscape in Birmingham. The first one was the wave of hurricanes that blew through the South (that's for you, Alec). There was Charlie. Wilma. Irving. Katrina. All of these brought in the displaced to Birmingham, a land-locked city. At the time, there was work in Birmingham. Savvy investors, realizing these folks were desperate for a place to live, were buying up homes everywhere, even in the questionable parts of town.

Also, around this time the economy was on a spiral into the abyss. People who had less capital than I started loosing their homes. And what did the investors do? They bought smart. The same home I may have paid $130,000 for was for sale on each side of my rental for $30,000. When the investors purchased these properties, they were asking $600/month for rent. I was asking--and needing--$1,000.

Then when the economy tanked, Birmingham was hit hard. One of the main employers in the area, the iron industry, closed down. This affected the Honda and Mercedes plant, which also drew in a lot of workers into the area. Government programs, such as Section 8 housing, came to the rescue. Most people who rent in Jefferson County right now are on Section 8 vouchers. It is the culture in Birmingham. Last I looked, Birmingham had more than double-digit unemployment, with a good portion of its citizens just living off the dole.

And because a good chunk of the population cannot find jobs (or want to find jobs), what happened to the tax base in Jefferson County? I am so glad you asked. Regular resources such as fire, schools, police and the like have been seriously hurt. Those who can are moving to the suburbs. I have homes in the suburbs too. Those who live in the suburbs weren't immune to the failing quality of life. They just cared more and want better schools for their kids. I had a long-time renter who had worked in management for the same grocery chain for 20+ years. He, his wife and two kids lived in one of our priciest homes. When the grocery chain closed down, he was out of work. They left to live with family, giving me an empty home that cost more than most of my other properties. The house is nice, but it was still hit by the down market.

And remember how all those investors were scooping up homes for the displaced in the questionable parts of town? They lost those properties too. And then those neighborhoods became ghettos. Here is a home currently for sale. It is priced high for this neighborhood. Last time I was in Birmingham, I saw multiple homes with plywood across where the windows used to be with spray painted "For Sale: $,2000 OBO As-Is"). No, that price is not missing a zero or two. Essentially, Birmingham is becoming the next Detroit. There are currently more than 2,000 homes slated for destruction because the city has condemned them. However, the city only levels about 10 houses a year. They don't have the resources.

Knowing what I know now, I would like to think I could have predicted better. But probably not.

Bending Water

I will spare you all the details about how insufferable Mitch and Tanya's tenants happen to be. Except, for this tidbit.

Apparently Mike was unhappy the other day. You see the sprinklers in front of their townhome--on common ground, that is not owed by Mitch and Tanya--were going off "for a long time." Mike's solution as the dutiful tenant was to bitterly complain to their landlords, expecting them to single-handedly stop everything they are doing and force the sprinkler to stop. I guess.

Now please understand, there is grass outside. It needs to be watered. It is watered on a daily basis. But for some reason, this and only this sprinkler's timer apparently malfunctioned, though every other sprinkler on this watering system works just fine. A fluke of nature or a botched terrorism attempt perhaps? Either way, there seems to be some conspiracy against these tenants to make their lives a living hell.

Sadly, poor Tanya was stuck with the unfortunate task of having to discuss the entire Sprinkler Fiasco of 2016 Mike the Bombastic Jerk (that is his given Christian name I am sure). His complaint was water from the sprinkler is coming through into their garage and Mike, if he were to go near the water might--and I am not making this up--"get wet." Though, I have to tell you, I have no idea how this is even possible. In this case, you see, the sprinkler is at point Q. The garage is at point X. Unless there is some significant wind coming from the Southwest that can magically make water go around the side of a building, I am not sure how to even compute this as a reality. Never mind the fact that the garage door is closed, sealed and water has never in the past managed to rush into the garage when the sprinklers went off.

My true advice to Mitch and Tanya was to give him the number of the management company that handles the yard maintenance. Let the tenants deal with it and make themselves a nuisance to some naive administrative assistant who will answer Mike's phone calls. I also suggested to Mitch and Tanya they are at a point where everything from these yahoo tenants should come as written communication because Mike and Pam seem to be looking for a reason to break their lease.

Our New Reality

Closing our accidental business is a relief yet to come. Frankly, the process just downright sucks. It isn't the emotional aspect of the entire thing. Because, I can honestly say, I am totally over Alabama. There are no more tears.

What does get to me is the actual day to day garbage that is a result of closing our accidental business. When you spiral from 800+ to a negative FICO score in the course of a few months, life changes. It isn't that we need credit right now, because that isn't an issue. But we have a lot more hassles in our life and a lot less freedom that comes with garbage credit.

For example. I need to book a hotel room in advance for a place far away. In the past, I would have used a credit card. Unfortunately Visa/Master Card/American Express now feel I cannot be trusted with a credit card (even though my now-former card had no balance on it before they took it away). Instead, I will have to use a debit card and have the hotel company hold a portion of my checking account hostage.

There are lots of stories in my life like this now. It is a new part of our life. I understand that. I am not big on change. Nor am I big on jumping through hoops. However, both are the new reality for us.

The Renters From Yuma

I know you three have read versions of this in my archives, but apparently everyone didn't get the memo of how to be a good tenant. After a lovely talk with Tonya yesterday (of Mitch and Tonya, the wonderful landlords and even more awesome friends, whom have made this blog a time or two), I was blessed with this particular blog fodder.

Mitch and Tonya have the Renters from Yuma. Yes, Yuma. It is South of here and often has the hottest temperatures in the US, when Death Valley, CA and Gila Bend, AZ want a reprieve from this particular title. Their tenants are a retired couple who apparently think Mitch and Tonya are offering concierge service. The home in question is a townhome, with a two car garage and unassigned community parking spots on the street.

And may I remind you, in the Phoenix metro area, rental homes are in such hot demand that even if you have 700+ credit, a job making $100k+, a squeaky clean background and own a lawn mower, you aren't necessarily going to get the rental home you put an application in on. Why? Because there are five applicants with the above credentials all competing for the same home.

But Pam and Mike don't seem to appreciate the fact they have a place to live. For example, they have a slight annoyance that is out of their landlord's scope of influence. Normally, sane people would just solve this issue themselves or learn to live with something that truly isn't any of their business.

In the case of Pam and Mike, there is a car parked in front of their home in the community parking area. It isn't doing anything. Nobody knows if it is abandoned (even Pam and Mike). But it bothers Pam because she has to--and I am not making this up--"look at it." It bothers her so much that she told her cousin (who is the one who referred Pam to me) and asked me to do something about it. I relayed, "Call the City and report it if it is a big deal." But nobody listened to me.

What did Pam do? She whined to Tonya. The car was parked in a legal parking space. Though it doesn't appear to be abandoned, it has been parked there more or less for weeks. Nobody knows if it is someone who works nights, and sleeps days who may come and go when Pam isn't paying attention. Nobody knows if there is a dead body in the car. It is just a car in a legal spot--just like lots of other cars parked in legal spots throughout that particular community that aren't in Pam's line of sight.

Apparently Pam wants Mitch and Tonya to wave their magic landlord wand and make it disappear. Mitch did contact the homeowner's association and mention it. What did he get for his efforts? Another bitchy note from Pam, stating the car is still there.

Additionally, Pam and Mike don't seem to understand renting isn't permanent. It is for right now, not forever. Mitch and Tonya have a really nice rental home. They have taken care of it. Between tenants they have replaced all sorts of things, like the pottys. They have repainted. They have even--and this blows me away--epoxied the garage floor. After the tenants moved in, Mitch and Tonya even bought a new dryer for these two.

When Mitch and Tonya went to visit recently (mind you, they live out of state), Mike and Pam drug Mitch and Tonya through the house pointing out all of the issues with the home. It needed touch up paint (it didn't when they moved in). The (brand new) pottys are "garbage" and need to be replaced. The new dryer makes it hard to close the laundry room door and by the way, the washer is "old."

And oh yes! The room Mike and Pam WANT to sleep in is "too hot." By the way, this is not the master bedroom. Just a random bedroom in the home that happens to be west-facing and upstairs. The master bedroom is downstairs and not too hot. And just so we are clear, Pam and Mike knew exactly where the master bedroom was and which bedrooms faced the west prior to them moving in. But as far as these tenants are concerned Mitch and Tonya need to adjust the position of the sun for the sole purpose of their tenant's comfort.

If Pam and Mike are unhappy, they have another nine months on their lease. Perhaps they can either 1) break the lease and find another place they will like even less three months into their next lease or 2) buy a home where they have nobody to whine to but themselves. If they decide to break their lease, there isn't a landlord alive who will rent to them in this market. Landlords don't have to rent to tenants who have already stuck it to another owner. There are enough applicants out there who do honor them wanting homes. And, if they decide to buy, good luck to the real estate agent who wants to deal with them. I suspect they will also be the Buyers from Yuma.

The Great Leeds Inferno

So, Carolsue sends me an e-mail link yesterday to a wildfire burning out of control in Alabama. She wrote, "Is this close to your home in Leeds?"

Nope. I don't have a home in Leeds.

Let's hope Mr. Ex-Partner has fire insurance.




I did just check, the fire is now contained. It did not burn any structures. And it would have had to go about a mile South and passed through several neighborhoods prior to getting my now-former home. 

Ok, I'm A Little Crazy

Mr. Ex-Partner e-mailed me today. He wanted Legal Owl's information. He did not ask for an introduction. I did not offer one either.

Though this may seem mundane, I have to tell you, it is about once a week Mr. Ex-Partner asks me for something I have already given him. In this case, I knew darn well he had Legal Owl's information. I know he has e-mailed her last summer (because he cc'd me). And I legitimately believe he doesn't realize he has this information.

He also doesn't believe he has the financials for the first and second quarter of 2015. He does--and so does his accountant because he filed his 2015 taxes earlier this year. He misplaced Mario's phone number at one point--though he e-mailed me for it, and cc'd Mario. I am sure if he just Googled Mario's name or company he could have found it quicker. And the list goes on. Even with my zen filing methods I am better organized than this.

Sometimes when he sends me an e-mail asking for what I know I have given him I just reforward the last e-mail with the information once again. At first, he was humble and contrite, thanking me and acknowledging that he probably should have looked on his own. Lately however, he doesn't respond. Which is ok. I don't take it personally. It gives me blog fodder, no matter how mundane.

When I was writing our dissolution agreement, Mr. Ex Partner wanted me to put in the document about how I would be of "assistance" to the Ex-Partners in perpetuity. I promise, that clause isn't in there because I am not crazy.

Lost

We are in the process of shutting down our accidental business. I am told this entire ordeal could take as long as six more years to complete or as little as we could be done by the end of 2017 (but no sooner than then).

Closing down a business is not just as simple as hanging up a "gone fishing" sign and locking the door. For one thing, the IRS wants to be involved. And so does the state of Alabama. The State of Arizona has already been involved--and they drove me nuts. There are lots of items that need some attention, but not the kind of laser-focus I have had to give to everything prior.

Then there is letting all of the homes go. Right now we have a house for sale. As they empty we sell.

There is also the emotional aspect of releasing all I have done for the past 14 years. Coupling this with not home schooling and the fact I am not currently working (another story) and I am struggling to find my place in all this. I am lost.

Last summer Bliz asked me what I was going to do with all my spare time. The truth is, her question scared me. I still don't know.

Random Bama

We have an offer on our Grayson Valley home. Currently, we are in the inspection phase, which is when these folks usually walk. Generally they find some minor infraction, like the floors aren't wood. Or it needs a stove (thank you stupid former tenant for taking the stove). Mind you, they are getting an investor price on this house. I am not fixing it up and selling it for retail.

Lest you think I'm being cynical, this this has  been what has happened at the last two times I have tried to sell a home over there. The one I had for sale this summer had an offer and the folks backed out because (at $98k--another investor price) it didn't have granite counter tops.

________________________________________

This past week I got the tax bills for the homes in Birmingham. It is with my greatest pleasure I can send these directly over to Mr. Ex-Partner. Every year he has bitched and moaned about how we ask for money to pay the taxes. I want to say, "I told you so." But frankly, I have been kind of saying this in my head since July.

________________________________________

Yesterday I got a text from a former tenant in Birmingham. It went to me directly, not a group of people. All it said was, "Roll Tide."

When *!@$*&^ Just Doesn't Seem to Cover It

In Other News...

I heard from Polly's history teacher this week. Polly, in a moment of adolescent frustration, said to her teacher, "bless your heart."

It turns out Polly's teacher was born and raised in the South and knew exactly what Polly meant.

There's A Hole In The Hot Water Heater, Dear Flunky, A Hole

Backstory: Yesterday I got a note from Kirby, my HVAC guy, former property manager and real estate agent (and mind you, one of the few people in Birmingham who is not allergic to work). Anyhoo... he heard from Flunky the Asshat--the maintenance manager of MY CURRENT property management company. Flunky didn't call me. He called Kirby.

It appears there is some sort of water issue at the Waterford home and Flunky, the genius he is, sends an HVAC guy out to see why--and I am not making this up--water is leaking from the hot water heater. To be fair, I am no rocket scientist, but I can pretty much guarantee if I hear water is leaking from the hot water heater the person I would contact (after telling the owner) would be a plumber. But that's just me. Apparently Flunky understands the subtle nuances of property management maintenance about this better than I do. Why else would he send an air conditioner repair person out to fix a hot water heater?

Kirby, bless him, wrote a very nice e-mail to both Flunky and myself saying that he concurs with the tenant: it appears in his professional estimation the issue is with the hot water heater. And because he is a gentleman, he thanked Flunky for the opportunity to help, but in this case this issue is just not in the scope of what he does for a living, so he will have to pass.

And Flunky? What did he do? Flunky followed up with me in a short, yet terse, e-mail and said if there was something I needed, to let him know. Yeppers. There was no, "I will call a plumber immediately and get this fixed," or anything of that nature. Nope. Nothing. The the rest of the correspondence with Flunky went something like this.

At any rate, in the end, I sent I highly-edited e-mail to Flunky asking him (after an insane back and forth) to please call a plumber. Because it appeared Flunky just wasn't going to think of this all by himself.

When "Bless Your Heart" Just Doesn't Cover It

So the house in Grayson Valley was vacated by now-former tenants with anger issues. The way the law works is the property management, on the day they find out the tenants have moved, are to put a abandonment notice on the door. After that time, the home is mine. I am still waiting for that notice, but it hasn't come. I gave up and decided to roll the dice and see if the tenants will sue me instead.

Last Wednesday, I had the place cleaned out, the lawn mowed and took the house out of management. I wrote Luigi and Flunky, stating now that they have professionally taken care of the abandonment notice, I was pulling the home out of management and was going to sell it. Kirby would be by to pick up the keys. Luigi, who is apparently clueless to what his employees are doing, didn't see the dripping sarcasm. Flunky the Asshat didn't bother to answer.

Over the weekend Kirby showed up at the Grayson Valley home to assess what it would take to sell the place. He told me the locks have now been changed and there is a lock box on the door. Seriously? The property management company couldn't  be bothered for six weeks to check on this house to verify the status of the tenants, but they can--right after I take the house out of management, mind you--hop on over and change the locks.

Yesterday I sent a note to Flunky, reminding him that his company doesn't manage this home anymore, there is no reason to have the keys changed and a lock box, and by the way, what is the combination so Kirby can get in the house?

And what did Flunky do? He wrote me (and cc'd Kirby, my real estate agent) the following e-mail:

Please have your handyman return the lockbox to our office.

Yep, he wrote that. He expects my "handyman" to just jump on this, drive over to my house, take the lock box off and then drive 30 miles to their office and hand over a $20 piece of hardware.

It took every ounce of self control I had not to contact Flunky and tell him what I thought of his solution.

Instead, I wrote Kirby. I said, as my real estate agent, he was bound by fiduciary law to obey all relevant and reasonable requests I give. In this case, he was not, under any circumstances, to touch that lock box. If the property management company wants it, they can go pick it up. I also said a lot of things I thought about Flunky the Asshat, all of which Kirby had heard before and also knew to be true.

Kirby wrote me back with simply, "No worries, your handyman won't touch it either."

Vermin

So, the house in Grayson Valley came vacant. The super-classy tenants just took off one day and left half of their crap behind. When the house came vacant, I decided to sell it if I can. Our business is changing and hanging on to homes is not where I see my immediate future. So, Kirby went over. He also took one look at the place, shook his head and quickly backed out the door.

The tenants left a good portion of their worldly belongings--which will hopefully go to good use for someone. But not the turtle in the garage. Sadly, with the Alabama heat and humidity, and being trapped in a cage for six weeks, the poor thing just didn't make it. But sadly, that wasn't the only critters to be found.

According to Baseball Guy, he found a snake skin in the attic. I was preferring to think of it as someone's fishnet stocking, and probably would have gone along thinking that, if Carolsue hadn't found "evidence of snakes" in the garage. There was also "evidence" of other critters too, such as rats.

In addition to the critters, the former tenant (who happens to be an NFL player), bashed in the master bedroom door and the door frame is in splinters. In my experience, when I see door jambs in splinters like this, I think of domestic violence. That could not have been a happy home. But it looks like the worst of the vermin have left.

And When I Say...

I have hired the "best property management company in Birmingham," you know that's tongue and cheek? Right? Well, partially.

Actually, Luigi's company, when I first started working with them WERE the best property management company I could find. Actually, Kirby's company was the best, but he wisely bailed, because property management sucks. I know this first-hand. I also know what it takes to manage rental homes. I do this for a living. And before I went to work for a property management company, I managed these gazillion homes. I gave them to Kirby.

Over the course of the life of this accidental business, I have hired, and fired, several property management companies. In one case, the Alabama Attorney General got involved. I have also personally interviewed the majority of the other property management companies in Birmingham. All were pleased to see me, as I had a nice, fat book of business to offer them. But when all is said in done, none of them did business the way I did business.

Most of the property management companies I spoke with made it a policy--and they did this without blinking--to just hand the keys to a home to prospective tenants, let them see the place and then trust them to lock everything up, not steal the copper, appliances or vandalize and bring the keys back. If you want to take a moment to read that again, I understand. Take your time. It blows my mind too. Anyway, I didn't hire those companies.

Mario's property management company wasn't too bad, except they were expensive and they expected me to spend lots of time on the computer watching videos of how they operated and required me to get questions answered by logging into a portal that needed some sort of wonky password I could never remember. Usually my questions could not be answered by a computer anyway, so I still had to hunt someone down, explain to them I already looked on their FAQ list (which I probably didn't) and then just say, "While we are on the phone anyway, why not just answer my question." Mario and I also got off to a really bad start. We are ok now, but I haven't forgotten that the first time I gave him direction, he said, "Why don't you go ask your husband what you should do and call me back." I would be willing to bet he hasn't forgotten the earful he got for that one.

When I hired Luigi's company, I specifically asked Luigi many questions. I wanted to make sure we were on the same wavelength and we conducted business the same way.  I was prepared to manage these properties myself with Carolsue's help if I didn't find a company I liked. I had done it before, I could do it again. He successfully passed muster. I gave him everything I had except Ms. Angie's home and Mrs. Sherwood's home.

Cruella Deville 

Since those days, Luigi's company is not what it used to be. I believe they have had growing pains as they have expanded and branched out. That always comes with awkward changes. Luigi gave the day to day tasks to a variety of folks who have come and gone. Ms. Amy seems to be the only constant. And, I am not a fan of her. Additionally, Flunky is also now more involved in the owner relations end of Luigi's business. Frankly, Luigi might have been better off hiring Cruella Deville instead. She is more pleasant.

At this point, I am kind of resigned. Our business is going through its own changes. I am keeping Luigi's company for now. It seems easier than spending the time, energy and effort to train a new property manager that I will probably like even less. Besides, I have a system in place if I need something from Luigi's company. I just e-mail Luigi. He then forwards the message to the appropriate party. He always cc's me, with a gentle reminder that I should go to the right person to get what I need done. I guess what he doesn't realize, is that he is the "right" person.

The Answer Is Probably No

It may sound uncharitable, but I immensely dislike Flunky the Asshat. I am doing my best to hide my true feelings when I talk with him, but he doesn't make it easy. For example, the folks in Fultondale have some sort of dishwasher issue.

On July 27, 2016 Flunky sent me an e-mail asking what should he do?

I immediately wrote him back and said, "We can resolve this in a five minute phone call. Please call me when you have a moment." Experience tells me an e-mail exchange will take a week and he won't answer my questions: are the folks up to date on the rent, what exactly is wrong with the dishwasher and how expensive is this fix? As soon as he calls me, he will know my answer.

On Sunday, September 4, 2016 I got my first response from Flunky about this matter. He said: "Sorry that I have not been able to call you about this. Please let me know if you will replace the dishwasher."

As soon as he calls me, he will know my answer.

#TeamTrashed Won

Turns out my home that the former NFL football player left is more in shambles than I hoped. I don't have the money to fix this place up and sell it. Yes, yes. I know. I can sue. I don't really have the money for that either.

And by the way, the reason I know this isn't because Flunky the Asshat promptly ran over and told me. It is because Kirby swung by and took a gander. He also took several pictures. If you are in the neighborhood, he left some pretty sweet stuff behind.

I hate people today.

It Means SHE DOESN'T LIVE THERE ANY MORE

There are things which are morbidly funny to me. I have a warped sense of humor--especially for the irreverent. I have not stopped chuckling since Mrs. Roebuck and I spoke earlier this week. For those of you unfamiliar with the ongoing saga of Mr. Ex-Partner and Mrs. Roebuck, you can read about it here and here. It will save me the twelve paragraphs of backstory. I promise you, it is worth it.

I can wait. Take your time...

Ok, for those of you who detest clicking on other links, the simplified backstory goes like this: for years, the Ex-Partners and the Sunshines had a hard-to-rent home in a questionable neighborhood. We all agreed to let Mrs. Roebuck live there for some shamelessly low rental rate. She could afford as much as she was paying and she took care of the property, which is more than we can say for some of the previous tenants. Four days after Mr. Ex-Partner started managing his own properties, he and Mrs. Roebuck came to blows with Mrs. Roebuck summarily moving out. Mr. Ex-Partner came to me and said, "Why would she leave???"

She left because he was rude, uncharitable and obnoxious. Perhaps not in that order--but I wasn't there. My answer was simply, "I don't know, why don't you call her?"

What made me laugh so hard (and I still am) is that last week Mr. Ex-Partner e-mailed Mrs. Roebuck and said something along the lines of, "For a $50 increase in the rent you were once paying, I will let you move back in. What do you think?"

Mrs. Roebuck didn't think much of it. She has already moved. She has a new place to live. She has paid movers, utility companies and all other subsequent fees which come with a life transition. She has changed her mail. She has changed her insurance. But because he asked, she said if he paid all of the necessary costs to move once again, she would consider it. As of this writing, she hadn't heard back if he would play.

However, he did send another note to her, completely bypassing her answer and suggesting if she took care of a simple maintenance issue or two at her former home, he would trade that for one month's rent.

"What rent?" was her response. Mrs. Roebuck then reiterated. She doesn't live there any more and their relationship is over. Apparently he still isn't fully comprehending what "moving out" means.

#TeamSell

Lately every decision made in the ole' accidental business seems to be made by committee. I was grumbling to Marty Sunshine about this today. I want to sell my now-vacant home. Can I?

I sent out feelers to the Arizona lawyer for her opinion. I then sent out a note to Diamond Jim. Would it be ok to sell? Or would it be a huge tax consequence? Then I contacted Kirby and asked him for his counsel.

Marty Sunshine says this is why we hired these folks--to protect us. To me, it just takes longer and usually has the same result as if we had made the decisions ourselves.

For the record, Diamond Jim, Marty and I want to sell. Kirby is all for that, but then again he benefits if it sells. The tie-breaker is the attorney. She gets five votes.