My Fifteen Minutes of Larceny

Approximately 67 minutes on December 23, after Bliz left on Christmas holiday trip to a very cold, Midwestern city, the mortgage company contacted us and gave us new demands. This, for those new readers, is the mortgage company which called due a second mortgage they hold for my home in North Centerpoint AND the same mortgage company which has decided to modify, then deny, then modify a first mortgage we have on the home in Chalkville.

Aren't you glad I caught you up so you won't be confused?

Anyway, what they wanted was more profit loss statements from me for the month of November and December. Mind you, we had already already given them this document back in November, and if they had just modified the loan back then, WE WOULD BE DONE WITH THIS NONSENSE.
But I digress...

Anyway, Bliz was on her way to some cold, windy, frozen Midwest city ready to enjoy her holiday, which didn't coincide with the bank's deadline of December 26. So, as I reported this to her she just texted back and said, "I will be home late Sunday night." Though I was frustrated with the idiots at the mortgage company, I was not really excited about Bliz spending her holiday helping me out with this last minute request anyway. Nobody else should have to deal with this fire drill.

Out of reasonable options, I sat down and started thinking about other solutions. Not to be deterred--after all, in the days before Photoshop I was pretty handy with layout and design. I optimistically took the old profit loss statement from November, put white-out tape on the dates and said to Marty Sunshine, "Yep, this will fool them." Mind you, the numbers hadn't changed, but we are talking about underwriters here. Surely they don't pay attention to such detail.

Unfortunately, we will never find out if underwriters do or do not pay attention to such detail. It turns out I am no longer handy with layout and design and the documents looked forged. So, we didn't submit them. Instead we sent back every other scrap of paper the mortgage company asked for, sans the P&Ls. This will not make them happy. But then again, nobody else is very happy about this either.

Make It Stop

The Alabama Department of Revenue just got around to noticing my now-defunct accidental business hasn't paid them any money in more than two years. They are apparently unhappy about that and took the time to write me a letter, expressing just how disappointed they truly are.

Never mind that when we closed our doors we told them the company was no longer around. Never mind that I responded to their first request for money six months after we went belly-up with another copy of our last tax returns showing that we are indeed no longer in business. Nope. They waited until the end of 2014, dusting off our file just to tell me, "We want your money. Now."

This time I just wrote on the envelope, "Return to sender. This company does not exist at this address." Perhaps the message will start to sink in.

Busywork

Marty did indeed get in touch with someone at the mortgage company. Sadly, the first customer service rep was probably lamenting being fired for being too friendly in her former job at the local Motor Vehicle Department. As it was explained to Marty, the bank wouldn't have denied his loan modification if he had just sent in the paperwork they asked for.

"I am under the impression we turned in everything that was asked for," Marty innocently stated.

"Well, you didn't. We sent you another letter asking for more," replied Miss Congeniality.

When Marty said he did not have another letter in our files and neither he, nor I, remember seeing another letter. All this savvy future diplomat said was, "That's not my problem. We sent it to you."

Twenty minutes and another customer service representative later, our file was re-opened and Marty was given yet another set of demands required of us. Mind you, none of this would be necessary if the bank hadn't called the loan due. They are causing our busywork. All of it.

And, because there is still some rain forest left, the bank has decided to "help" us and is (without our consent or knowledge) modifying another mortgage we have with them. They are requiring more paperwork from us, and could we please do this as soon as possible? Thanks. It also turns out saying, "This is utterly unnecessary, please leave this mortgage alone. We are fine," is not an option.

The second home in question--the one where the mortgage company randomly decided we needed to change the terms of our loan--is in the LLC Marty and I own without a partner. Though I received a denial letter from them last Friday--the first I heard this home's mortgage was under scrutiny--they are apparently only modifying this loan as a favor to us. However, I am not sure what exactly the "favor" is in this case. At any rate I stand corrected: they did not call this loan due. However, I am not sure what it means when they have already "denied" a loan modification for a home that does not need one, nor where we asked for any type of changes. What happens if they deny us again? Where does that leave this particular mortgage on this new home?

Fast forward a couple of days. All of the subsequent paperwork the mortgage company has asked for has now--again--been faxed to them. I did suggest to Marty that he may want to explain to them that if they had not bothered us to begin with, none of this would have been an issue.

Denial

I may have mentioned we had a mortgage called due?  I received this love letter from the mortgage company today telling me what they really think. 

Despite the fact we sent them our tax returns on three separate occasions, Bliz jumped through a ton of hoops to take care of some financials they asked for and Marty and I have provided them with our private bank statements, business bank statements and DNA samples from our fathers, it wasn't good enough.

And to add insult to injury, this bank has now called due another mortgage on a different home. For the record, we pay our mortgages on time. We do what we are supposed to do. And apparently that isn't good enough.

Lunch with Mr. Partner

The American Medical Association recommends adults over a certain age get a colonoscopy every ten years as part of an overall wellness and healthy-living lifestyle. I believe this is also the same guidelines for me meeting with Mr. Partner.

Last week, I spent a few hours writing up a State-Of-Our-Alabama-Nonsense report. I carefully took time to put in lots of information, including but not limited to, the second mortgage we are trying to convince the bank to let us refinance, the flood at my Section 8 house and a litany of other items that I have just not had the lining stomach to write about.

Though I loathed doing so, instead of letting Marty Sunshine meet with Mr. Partner and discuss my fabulous report, I opted to tag along, figuring Mr. Partner hadn't bothered to even glance at my hard efforts. Marty was encouraged by this, given I would be a fresh voice, provided I could hold off the snark--which I wasn't promising.

The main item on our agenda was that I wanted money. Let me back up, we pay our home owner's insurance in July out of pocket. Property Taxes are due, also out of pocket, at the end of December. Additionally there are a few other bills that deserve some attention by the end of the year. Since 2008, all parties have had to put a few dollars in here and there, with Marty Sunshine and I putting in money first and Mr. and Mrs. Partner matching us when we get around to telling them it is time. This generally results in Mr. Partner being completely astonished this venture isn't profitable and citing some completely obscure 2007 scenario which will include us being in the black. Mr. Partner will then be reminded that 1) 2007 was many years ago, 2) we changed our business strategies when the housing market took a dive and restrictive owner-financing laws took affect, as a result we are now dealing with vacancies and turnovers, and 3) we go through this ever year and it should not come as a shock.

Generally when we have these conversations with Mr. Partner, he is not open to selling any home  where we won't make a stellar profit. In all fairness, he isn't keen on vacancies, repairs or property management companies either. Somehow last week I managed to convince him that it is in our best interest to sell a few undesirable properties. On the list were a couple of homes that just don't cash flow. Though we don't want to sell them all at once, for fear of capital gains issues. Not that I am expecting him to remember, he did also acquiesce to a few capital improvements. In the end, I got the exact item I came for: a check from him, so that I don't have to figure out where I was going to get the money to pay the property taxes. And hopefully I won't have to attend another meeting with him for an additional 10 years. 

What I Discovered Two Weeks Ago

I know there are several readers who have a pressing desire to know this tid-bit. In Birmingham Alabama, in order to have a "gas pressure test" done at a home, one has to get permits from the city.

As of Today, 121 Days.

Last week I found a handy-dandy site on the Internet, which will conveniently tell me precisely how many days until April 6, 2015. For those who do not know the enormity of that particular day, it happens to be the Diamondback's opening day (they play San Francisco, for anyone who might keep up on such things). It also happens to be the day before Carolsue's birthday--so please start your shopping now.

Let's just say, that's what kind of Alabama week I was having. Lucky for you three readers it means a month or two worth of blogs while I try to sober catch up.

Every home I have has some sort of memorable tenant in them. Most of whom have received a nod or two in this blog. One of my more memorable "tenants" was a woman who received keys for the rental home and a notice from her doctor to proceed directly to the hospital and not to pass "Go" within an hour of each other. The tenant had an emergency double mastectomy and never moved in. Last I heard, by the way, the non-tenant survived.

I have a home in North Centerpoint. At one time it was Wayward's home, who was asked to leave. At another point, Ms. Robin lived there and moved to somewhere else. Then it was vacant and the economy was icky and I begrudgingly agreed to take a Section 8 tenant, whom is still there. I have been unhappy with this arrangement since the get-go.

In 2011, Kirby and I toured this home to find out that this tenant had a new Cadillac Escalade and a new Chevy Suburban. Though she didn't have a job or any outside obligations, both of her small children were in all-day childcare, leaving her to bask in the luxury of of her fine furnishings and amazingly exorbitant electronics. The day Kirby and I viewed this home, I commented that I don't live nearly this well. "She doesn't own anything in the home," he replied. "I have rental places calling me all the time tracking her down." And my ulcer grew larger.

Fast-forward to 2014. Luigi is now my property manager and Ms. Section 8 has repeatedly called him, threatening to move out if I don't "honor my word," which she states, ranges from me agreeing to (in 2011) to painting the house to installing new flooring--which, by the way, was installed in 2010. About once a month, she lords this over me, as some sort of veiled threat. Frankly, she did this to Kirby for years as well.

In this past October she called Luigi complaining her home was filled with an infestation of roaches, and what was I going to do about it? I replied back by saying she might want to get some bug spray. She then sicced the Section 8 people on me making the home somewhat uninhabitable and the Section 8 folks then said they weren't going to pay the rent on the property unless I made some repairs that she caused. At that point, I asked Luigi's folks just to send her a note asking her to move at the end of her lease.

I guess she didn't expect that.

As much as I wish I could tell you the story ends here, it doesn't.

On Thursday, Luigi's maintenance guy called me. He started out by introducing himself, which I thought was odd, because 1) we have talked numerous times this year and 2) his name came up on my phone as someone I had programmed in there. For about 10 minutes he beat around the bush, telling me there was "water leaking" out of a shower at Ms. Section 8's house and what did I want to do about it.

"Isn't she moving out?" I asked. "Can't we fix it when she is gone?"

His response was to repeat his comment, each time a bit more condescending, letting me know that I, the little woman, just wasn't grasping that water was dripping. I finally got sick of this particular game on the third go-round and directed him to call Marty Sunshine.

What Maintenance Guy managed to convey to Marty was really that a pipe broke inside the wall, Ms. Section 8 was barking about "toxic mold" and was threatening to leave if I didn't fix it right then and there. Marty authorized to get it fixed, but I did let Maintenance Guy guy know in the future he wouldn't have to jump through as many hoops if he had just been straight with me.

Also on Thursday, I discussed many, many, things with Luigi, including Ms. Section 8. Apparently, there was some talk from her that she wants to stay. There was much ranting from me that she HAS TO GO.

If Ms. Section 8 doesn't leave the home in the same condition she found it, then she doesn't have a voucher for the next landlord who wants her--which means she doesn't get free money. I'm ok with that too. This was my first, and hopefully last, foray into Section 8 housing. I was getting less than market rent and there are a lot of hoops to jump through. Here's hoping to a winning season with the next tenant.

Hysteria Lane Update

My home on Hysteria Lane is still vacant. To refresh your memory, I had a tenant who flooded my kitchen last February. The tenant was at fault for the damage, but still felt that I owed her a reduction in rent because the poor thing was inconvenienced for three days while the kitchen cabinet dried out. Mind you, she still had full use of the home. The entire incident was more expensive than the cost of your run-of-the-mill nuclear warhead. Fortunately I have insurance which covered most of it.

Because of this, the tenant stormed out in early July, never to be heard from again. At the time Mario was managing this rental. And frankly, he was doing a piss-poor job. In one month the home had been shown one time, with Mario telling me it was totally my fault it wasn't rented. After all, if I would just lower the rent to something obscenely stupid--even though for the past 10 years I had always gotten about $400 more a month--it would rent in a week.

In a moment of total bliss, I fired Mario and his minions last August and gave the home to Luigi.

In the past four months, I have gotten several applications on this home. Each one more questionable than the last. I finally asked Luigi's flunky (I am too tired to re-name these dudes right now) to only give me applications that were better than the first idiots I rejected.
'
And when I say these potential tenants were "idiots" please understand, this is no exaggeration. One set actually lied on the application, including, but not limited to, not wanting to give her current landlord's phone number. When Flunky found the landlord, we discovered why: the idiot had been late on rent ever month. Next.

Another wanted $200 off the rent in exchange for a two year lease. Please do the math: I should take a $2400 reduction in rent for the privilege of letting these folks live in my home. I might have considered some type of incentive (half a month's off one time, perhaps?) if they hadn't been a train wreck on paper. I couldn't keep track of the number of people who would be living in this home or their questionable employment.

The latest applicant sounds somewhat sane. However, the husband has a sizable child support judgement stemming back to 2001. But, the couple was kind enough to tell the truth on the application, make decent money (three times the rent) and provide reasonable references. The good news is he won't be buying a home any time soon and--if approved, mind you--that might keep them staying there for a while.

Two Out Of Three Readers Just Can't Be Wrong

Well, two of my three readers this week innocently asked me where I had been. Here's the truth: I originally started this blog many years ago with Bliz in mind. She was my imaginary reader. (She is also my bookkeeper.) Then one day many years ago when I was feeling slightly vulnerable, I told her about this site. And, for about a year, she was my only reader. This was back in the olden days of the 2000s.

Technology being what it is, I now pretty much communicate with Bliz every day. However, we rarely talk about Alabama. Frankly, I have been avoiding Alabama (until this week) and would much rather discuss boys with her (nothing has really changed in the past 30+ years--except our "boys" are currently 16 and 12).

The other reason--and this one is slightly more of a concern, is that Marty Sunshine did something to my computer, making it necessary to hire a shaman and for me to become proficient in technological mumbo-jumbo in order to log into this site. If you are reading this blog, it means the money paid to the shaman was well spent--which is good, because I need my blog-therapy right now more than ever.

To ease you back into the drama of my accidental business, the mortgage that was called due a few months ago, is still called due. Although Marty and I have sent over everything they have requested to the bank, including a DNA sample from our cat, we are getting stupid requests from these folks. Now they want to see more papers. Though we sent them our tax statements for the past three years, they want to see them again. But this time, they want us to sign them. "They are signed," I pointed out to Marty. "We had to sign them when they were filed. Where are we supposed to put this new signature?"

He didn't have an answer to that.

The mortgage company also wants to see bank statements to bank accounts we don't have. Of course, the sane course of action would be to call the person who is requesting these items and explain their demands are slightly unreasonable and downright silly. But we aren't given a name, phone number or any type of distinguishing characteristics to find said, "mortgage representative." We are given a fax number, and asked to kindly turn in the papers of their choosing right about now. So, tomorrow I will fax over whatever they are asking for to make them happy--or at least what will make them be somewhat agreeable.

I really am not feeling totally reasonable right now. Personally, I would like to include in my communications, what exactly happens if we don't comply with their demands? However, Marty is asking me not to mention this little item. He is suggesting it might be a teensy bit argumentative, perhaps it is because I use a slightly more colorful vocabulary when he and I broach this topic in the privacy of our home. 

Here is my G-rated reasoning for my question. The mortgage company can't take the house. This is a second mortgage. All they can do is put a lien on the property--which they already have in the form of a mortgage to begin with. So, even if we jump through these hoops and they are unsatisfied, I am pretty sure we will be at a stalemate.

In Other News

I am told I finally have my Grayson Valley home rented to a professional football player and his girlfriend. This is not my first brush with the Somewhat Notable renting homes from me. I once had a divorced musician whose wife had a better lawyer. Birmingham was half way between his former home and Nashville. So he planted himself in one of my properties for a few years until his fortune changed.

Additionally, one time some morning drive-time radio personality wanted to rent my home. She had just moved to Birmingham from Los Angeles. Anyway, she rejected my rental because it wasn't "California enough."

Anyway, this new guy is apparently some sort of Alabama University (or is it University of Alabama? I can never remember which) former football star turned professional. I don't know what position he plays or even how long he has been in the pros. Heck, I have never heard of the dude before last week, but that's ok. Apparently there are lots of folks in Birmingham who would be gaga upon hearing such news. I am just hoping he stays healthy long enough to pay the rent.

Two Choices

It appears one of our mortgages has been called due by the bank. Apparently banks can do such things if they choose to. They gave us a six weeks to pay the entire balance in full or suffer the consequences.

At this time, I am not sure what the consequences happen to be. You see, it is a second mortgage. They can't foreclose. If we don't pay it, then what???  The bank is going to put a lien on our home?  They already have a lien on our home in the form of a second mortgage (are you following along?). So, if they want their money they have one of two options.

1. Let me continue paying them like I am already doing.

2. Refuse to take my money, issue a lien on the home (which they already have in the form of a mortgage note) and ding my credit.

And if you really want to know how I feel, I just don't care which option they take at this point. Marty Sunshine does care though. And so does Mr. Partner. So, we came up with a possible third choice. We are going back to the bank and asking them what they are smoking politely ask them to reconsider.

So far, they have had us download a form that requires me to collect the equivalent of a small Peruvian rain forest in paperwork. Poor Bliz (who tells me this is what I pay her to do--which is true, but she has a real job and doesn't have time for the bank's deadline or my fire drill) has been sending me financial reports that I am editing in all my spare time. We are going back and forth with statements like, "I don't think that particular home had $5000 worth of expenses in June." and "You will have to ask Diamond Jim if you can claim the 16 gallons of Hagan Daas as an expense."

The form the bank is asking me to complete is a "hardship" form. There are multiple entries on there that I am supposed to check a box that best describes my hardship. However, none accurately depict our conundrum. When Marty talked to the bank customer service representative he explained the "hardship" just happens to be they are calling the note due and if they left it alone, there would be no hardship. The customer service rep didn't seem to understand Marty's point.

I am told we are to get this done immediately--especially in light of the fact they want everything completed by the end of the month. In addition to our financial statements they want our tax returns for the past two years and a million other documents. At this point, the bank will review the situation and make one of two decisions:

1. Let me continue paying them like I am already doing.

2. Refuse to take my money, issue a lien on the home (which they already have in the form of a mortgage note) and ding my credit.

Update on Fluffy and Puffy

In an unusual turn of events, Chris got a call a random call Sunday from his former tenants. Mind you, these folks abandoned the home three weeks ago! They wanted to know if they could go back into the home and grab the rest of their stuff.

I would like to have been a fly on the wall to see how that conversation went. Chris found a new home for Fluffy and Puffy on Saturday.

I Wish This Was A Baseball Post

While I am busy ignoring all things Alabama, I am frantically working to modify our under-capitalized financial position--which is the same thing as focusing on Alabama, but I digress...

Last Friday Chris asked me to meet him at his home. He was coming in from out of town. He owned a rental home for the past several years in the quiet east Phoenix suburb of Gilbert. He had the same tenants, who were "perfect" for the first four years and then in the past few months they were not so perfect. Chris, who had been totally spoiled when these folks were doing what they were supposed to do, was now burned out on the entire concept of rentals.

When I met Chris for the first time Friday afternoon, in 107 degree September Arizona heat, he had officially been in town 10 minutes. Five of those minutes were spent opening up his rental home and then standing in the driveway waiting for me. And because we had never met, and somehow it didn't come up in conversation when our mutual friend suggested he contact me, he had no idea I am phobic about snakes.

And if we can just sit back and chuckle over this irony for just a quick second. I am terrified of snakes--except if they happen to be Arizona's Major League Baseball team. I would much rather talk about those snakes.

Anyway, Chris got to the house before me. Opened it up to find out that his ideal tenants had left behind a boatload of personal property. However, they had sold Chris' washer and dryer he had bought for them to use five years ago. There was junk from end to end in this home. The little girls' room (I am assuming it was a young girl because of what was left in there) was painted--and I am not making this up--black.

Black was a running theme in the home too. The master bathroom was also painted black. The bathtubs were black. The carpet was black in spots. And because the power was off (did I mention it was 107 degrees?) I refused to let Chris open the refrigerator and find out the inside was black too. And behind all the junk was damaged walls, broken ceiling fans and many other issues that poor Chris just didn't really need to be part of his life.

And oh yes, the tenants left behind some of their beloved pets too. I named them Fluffy and Puffy. I also told Chris to let me know when they were gone and I would be happy to step foot in the home again.

Though I find this highly disturbing (and did not take it in spirit it was intended when my broker showed up 20 minutes later and suggested a third one had escaped and was now by my foot) it was not nearly as disturbing as the picture below when you take into consideration there was dog food lying around, dog toys and no dog. By the way, this buried spot was in the front yard. 

No Thanks

So, someone called Ms. Amy about Hysteria Lane. She is moving next week from some unknown city. Apparently she loves the area and loves the pictures of my competitively priced home. However, she hasn't seen the home, much less put an application in just yet.

Apparently this woman has watched one too many cable real estate shows. That's the only reason I can possibly think of that she would offer me this deal: I would have the honor of her being my tenant for two years as long as I took a rent reduction of $200 per month--or $4,800 for the duration of the lease. In all fairness, that isn't exactly how Ms. Amy phrased it, but when I said it back to her, she admitted it was the gist.

It seems to me that these potential tenants want me to know upfront they don't value me, my property or the social conventions related to renting a home. Rules are really mere suggestions. And for that matter, these mere suggestions are made for commoners--not for people who are moving to Birmingham next week from across country. Years of experience tell me it is fair to say one can easily translate this to "We are a complete pain in the ass. We just wanted you to know."

August 24th

For you three long-time readers, you might know that August 24th is our celebrated National Holiday around here in this patch of cyber space.

Today happens to be my dear friend and bookkeeper's birthday. So, Happy Birthday dear Bliz. I hope you had a wonderful time in Vegas. I didn't even go with you but I have the pictures to prove you were three shee... had a lovely time with your girlfriends.

Thank you for being such a beacon of light, truth and laughter for the past 29.9999999+ years. I love you dearly and glad you are in my life.

Random Bama---The Property Management Edition

Not to jinx it or anything, but it turns out I might, possibly, have a tenant for my Grayson Valley home. Ms. Amy has told the said potential tenant that I am a no-nonsense owner and not to apply if there was any reason she would feel the need to pay late on a regular basis. Or at least that's what Ms. Amy told me.

_______________________________________________

So far, in the past 21 days Luigi and his crew have shown the Hysteria Lane more attention than Mario and his minions did in the three years they had the home. For that matter, the rental price has been raised and they have had more showings this month than Mario had in July (which was a total of one).

_______________________________________________

Kirby--remember him?

For those of you who are fuzzy on the details  Kirby was my property manager for years. Then he sold out to Mario while I was on vacation last year. Before the transaction could go through (Kirby was selling his entire portfolio of homes he was managing, not just mine), I pulled out and sent my gazillion (minus three homes) to Luigi. That has caused the subsequent drama for this blog for the past several months. In all fairness, I am sorry I didn't meet Luigi in 2008 when I started looking for a property management company. He rocks.

Anyway, back to Kirby. Kirby is still a licensed agent. He also has become my handyman. We talk about twice a week--generally about maintenance issues. But sometimes it is personal, like "how are you and how is the wife?' Kirby thinks Ray (the guy selling my rental in Leeds) is a dumbass. Actually, I am paraphrasing. Kirby really said Ray seemed "inexperienced", but I can read between the lines.

Going, Going, Gone

There was pandering in the past 48 hours.

Lots of pandering.

The pandering started Saturday when Mario finally got around to responding to my e-mail from last week. It was the e-mail where I pointed out I had no idea this Willy guy was my primary contact at his office. Mario's reply was highly professional, and he even threw in a bit of self-deprecating humor as well, suggesting anyone who works for a property management company for 10 years must be crazy. I guess he didn't see my resume because, though true, he probably wouldn't have added that last part if he wanted to be on my good side.

Then Mario told me nobody more than him wanted to get my home rented out. I didn't respond telling him if that was the case, why did the listing on his Web site say it wasn't ready until July 28? Or, why has it had one showing in 30 days? And why--when they manage a home, slightly smaller, one block away for more money and I have always gotten top dollar for my home--should I take a reduction in rent when they haven't even shown the place?

And there was more pandering today when Mario got my e-mail this morning. I sent it right after someone named Greg e-mailed me to tell me once again, I had only had one showing in the past 30 days. My note to Mario was that it was time for us to part ways. I left it polite, keeping out all my personal feelings. It was even more polite than I really cared to. Hopefully that will count for something when I meet the Almighty.

Mario, the King of Pandering, wrote me back saying he wished I would reconsider. If nothing else, would I please have enough mercy to allow him to follow up with the one potential applicant who saw the place this weekend. Now, I know nobody saw it this weekend. But, what the heck! If Mario can pull a renter out of thin air and have them move in tomorrow, that's fine. So, I told him that would be ok, but the tenant must have no pets, reasonable credit, no evictions or felonies. He had until close of business today to make it happen. It didn't happen.

At 5:23 p.m. Alabama time I sent Mario another note. I told him I was sorry we couldn't make it work and someone would be by to pick up the keys.

That noise you may hear is rejoicing from Heaven.

Oh... It Is Plausable

So, I was talking to Carolsue on Thursday. And she suggested when I pull my home from Mario, I give it to her friend Adam.

Adam is a real estate agent. He impressed me beyond belief last year when I saw how hard he worked to sell a $25k home. Most agents won't even touch homes where the commission is less than their electric bill, but Adam was the Energizer Bunny.

In all fairness he has done everything he should do to earn my business. The timing has been bad. But it has occurred to me (repeatedly) that if I had given him the home in Leeds to sell it would have been sold by now.

Back to Adam... Carolsue suggested I contact him to handle the property management instead of giving it to Mario. Since my conversation with her, Marty Sunshine and Mr. Partner have nixed the idea, but I had my reasons why it wasn't a place I should go.

Adam is one guy, he isn't a property management company. Most likely we would be in a situation where I had more involvement in the process than I care to have. I don't need that. I lived that for years and I promise, I don't want to go backwards. If you don't believe me when I tell you it was stressful, please feel free to check this blog's archives.

As a corollary to Adam being a one-man show, there are other considerations. And that's where my chat with Carolsue got interesting. "What if Adam got hit by a bus? Who would manage the home then?"

Carolsue replied with some mundane answer which didn't really make me feel any better. So, I continued, "And what if the person driving the bus is the tenant he is managing?"

"Now you are just talking crazy." Carolsue accused. "That just isn't plausible."

Oh really?

At that point I gave her a laundry list of implausible situations that have happened to me since I started this accidental business. Some of them you will never find in this blog (but if you want to know, it will cost you an adult beverage. I can be bought) and many more which are. I even included the story of a guy who once mowed the lawn for me. He accidentally ran over a yellow jacket hive. He is allergic to yellow jackets. As he ran to get away from the yellow jackets, he ran into the street and got hit by a car. If you don't believe me, here is the story.

So you see Carolsue. I want to save Adam's life. This is the easiest way I can think of that will ensure he won't be hit by a bus.

Incompetent Thursday

Yesterday was a bad karma day. My ego was beaten down and I once again wonder why I am involved in anything real estate related. Or conversely yesterday, in a half-full kind of way, it was a good blogging day. You decide.

While Mario was getting pissy at me because I told him I was unhappy with my one showing for the entire month for my move-in ready home--which has had the same rental amount for 10 years (though he insists I was the one who overpriced it), I was also being called all sorts of names including "incompetent" by clients of mine because I can't rent out their home.

The clients wrote a long letter to my broker lying--mind you--about about the rental listing I have. They said (among everything they complained about) that I put in "smokers welcome" in the listing and left that way in MLS for more than a week. Incidentally, I believe the very first time in my entire life I ever wrote "smokers welcome" was in the sentence prior to this. The truth was, I did not check the box that said "non-smoking home" and they caught that. It was changed within an hour of them telling me.

My clients are stressed. They have two vacant homes. Mind you, they had reliable long-term tenants in one home and asked them to leave last month because... well, actually I don't know why. I never understood that one. My broker doesn't either. The long-term reliable tenants were flabbergasted too. But nevertheless, they now have two vacancies.

I have two vacancies as well. Both of my homes have mortgages. Theirs don't. But I digress...

The home in question where my "incompetence" was oozing will be a lovely home once the work is complete. They bought a fixer-upper that needed a ton of work and even more updating. My clients weren't willing to update, so the 1992 gray-blue counter tops and the brass fixtures are staying in this luxury home. We did finally convince them to paint the cabinets but they don't see any reason to replace the 1992 appliances.

However, the work isn't complete, because the clients haven't paid the contractors who are doing the construction. That's kind of a priority. So, the pictures I have on MLS are of the lovely exterior (which looked lovely when the picture was taken--they don't want to pay for landscaping or watering either) and the staircase. There are no kitchen and bath pictures. In fact, I was told (by them) the home was move-in ready and what exactly was the hold-up??

Here is the move-in ready proof:

















What really bothers me is that I was politer than I really wanted to be to Mario and he was his usual self. I was politer than I wanted to be to my abusive clients too. For that matter, I have bent over backwards for my clients and yet I am incompetent. I have shown this home four times this week alone--even looking like the above picture and begging the prospective tenants to use their imagination of what this kitchen could look like.

My home in Alabama I am asking Mario about is quite nice. In fact, it is probably my nicest home. It is move-in ready by their standards and I pay my bills. I know Mario's job is tough. I am doing the exact same job on the other end. However, I am not sure I am the one who is incompetent.

Anti-Service

To give you a brief back story: my home on Hysteria Lane has been vacant for almost a month. I have been frantically e-mailing Bruce, Mario's minion asking questions. I gave the directive early this month: "price the place competitively." I have repeatedly asked what was going on and didn't get an answer.

Then early this week I got some sort of automatic e-mail telling me, great news! I had one showing this month. And because Bruce is continually ignoring me, I contacted Mario and asked what was going on. Mario, who really is probably the biggest jerk jackass I have never had the pleasure of meeting, told me that some dude named Willy is my contact.

And then Mario told me I should know that, duh!

When I responded saying I was frustrated because this very nice home which should easily rented wasn't and that I didn't feel Mario and his minions were giving it any priority, Mario sent me a snarky defensive note and there was no mistaking his annoyance.

He apparently disagreed and told me 1) I was the one who priced the house too high (I wasn't involved in the pricing, and besides, it was the same amount the home has been rented for since 2004) and 2) Willy had been keeping in touch with me and why wasn't I working with him? The subtext was "shut the hell up you stupid Yankee woman."

I finally dug up the one and only note from Willy written to me on July 10. It said:

Hey,

Bruce asked me to reach out to you and let you know that we are going to get your property out for lease ASAP.

Thank you,

W

I have a pet peeve about strangers staring e-mails to me with, "Hey". In Alabama, I am pretty sure it is poor manners too. But I digress.

I did forward that particular e-mail to Mario along with this message: 

Mario: This is the sum and total of Willy's communication with me. This doesn't tell me he is in charge of leasing my home. He makes it sound like he is just doing Bruce a quick favor. This e-mail is from July 10. That's it. 

I haven't heard back from Mario. However, if the place isn't rented by Monday, we will be pulling it from Mario's property management clutches. I am guessing at this point, he probably won't be too upset.

Carolsue tells me the home is too classy for Mario's typical slum homes. Hm... Maybe that's the problem.