Update on Fluffy and Puffy

In an unusual turn of events, Chris got a call a random call Sunday from his former tenants. Mind you, these folks abandoned the home three weeks ago! They wanted to know if they could go back into the home and grab the rest of their stuff.

I would like to have been a fly on the wall to see how that conversation went. Chris found a new home for Fluffy and Puffy on Saturday.

I Wish This Was A Baseball Post

While I am busy ignoring all things Alabama, I am frantically working to modify our under-capitalized financial position--which is the same thing as focusing on Alabama, but I digress...

Last Friday Chris asked me to meet him at his home. He was coming in from out of town. He owned a rental home for the past several years in the quiet east Phoenix suburb of Gilbert. He had the same tenants, who were "perfect" for the first four years and then in the past few months they were not so perfect. Chris, who had been totally spoiled when these folks were doing what they were supposed to do, was now burned out on the entire concept of rentals.

When I met Chris for the first time Friday afternoon, in 107 degree September Arizona heat, he had officially been in town 10 minutes. Five of those minutes were spent opening up his rental home and then standing in the driveway waiting for me. And because we had never met, and somehow it didn't come up in conversation when our mutual friend suggested he contact me, he had no idea I am phobic about snakes.

And if we can just sit back and chuckle over this irony for just a quick second. I am terrified of snakes--except if they happen to be Arizona's Major League Baseball team. I would much rather talk about those snakes.

Anyway, Chris got to the house before me. Opened it up to find out that his ideal tenants had left behind a boatload of personal property. However, they had sold Chris' washer and dryer he had bought for them to use five years ago. There was junk from end to end in this home. The little girls' room (I am assuming it was a young girl because of what was left in there) was painted--and I am not making this up--black.

Black was a running theme in the home too. The master bathroom was also painted black. The bathtubs were black. The carpet was black in spots. And because the power was off (did I mention it was 107 degrees?) I refused to let Chris open the refrigerator and find out the inside was black too. And behind all the junk was damaged walls, broken ceiling fans and many other issues that poor Chris just didn't really need to be part of his life.

And oh yes, the tenants left behind some of their beloved pets too. I named them Fluffy and Puffy. I also told Chris to let me know when they were gone and I would be happy to step foot in the home again.

Though I find this highly disturbing (and did not take it in spirit it was intended when my broker showed up 20 minutes later and suggested a third one had escaped and was now by my foot) it was not nearly as disturbing as the picture below when you take into consideration there was dog food lying around, dog toys and no dog. By the way, this buried spot was in the front yard. 

No Thanks

So, someone called Ms. Amy about Hysteria Lane. She is moving next week from some unknown city. Apparently she loves the area and loves the pictures of my competitively priced home. However, she hasn't seen the home, much less put an application in just yet.

Apparently this woman has watched one too many cable real estate shows. That's the only reason I can possibly think of that she would offer me this deal: I would have the honor of her being my tenant for two years as long as I took a rent reduction of $200 per month--or $4,800 for the duration of the lease. In all fairness, that isn't exactly how Ms. Amy phrased it, but when I said it back to her, she admitted it was the gist.

It seems to me that these potential tenants want me to know upfront they don't value me, my property or the social conventions related to renting a home. Rules are really mere suggestions. And for that matter, these mere suggestions are made for commoners--not for people who are moving to Birmingham next week from across country. Years of experience tell me it is fair to say one can easily translate this to "We are a complete pain in the ass. We just wanted you to know."

August 24th

For you three long-time readers, you might know that August 24th is our celebrated National Holiday around here in this patch of cyber space.

Today happens to be my dear friend and bookkeeper's birthday. So, Happy Birthday dear Bliz. I hope you had a wonderful time in Vegas. I didn't even go with you but I have the pictures to prove you were three shee... had a lovely time with your girlfriends.

Thank you for being such a beacon of light, truth and laughter for the past 29.9999999+ years. I love you dearly and glad you are in my life.

Random Bama---The Property Management Edition

Not to jinx it or anything, but it turns out I might, possibly, have a tenant for my Grayson Valley home. Ms. Amy has told the said potential tenant that I am a no-nonsense owner and not to apply if there was any reason she would feel the need to pay late on a regular basis. Or at least that's what Ms. Amy told me.

_______________________________________________

So far, in the past 21 days Luigi and his crew have shown the Hysteria Lane more attention than Mario and his minions did in the three years they had the home. For that matter, the rental price has been raised and they have had more showings this month than Mario had in July (which was a total of one).

_______________________________________________

Kirby--remember him?

For those of you who are fuzzy on the details  Kirby was my property manager for years. Then he sold out to Mario while I was on vacation last year. Before the transaction could go through (Kirby was selling his entire portfolio of homes he was managing, not just mine), I pulled out and sent my gazillion (minus three homes) to Luigi. That has caused the subsequent drama for this blog for the past several months. In all fairness, I am sorry I didn't meet Luigi in 2008 when I started looking for a property management company. He rocks.

Anyway, back to Kirby. Kirby is still a licensed agent. He also has become my handyman. We talk about twice a week--generally about maintenance issues. But sometimes it is personal, like "how are you and how is the wife?' Kirby thinks Ray (the guy selling my rental in Leeds) is a dumbass. Actually, I am paraphrasing. Kirby really said Ray seemed "inexperienced", but I can read between the lines.

Going, Going, Gone

There was pandering in the past 48 hours.

Lots of pandering.

The pandering started Saturday when Mario finally got around to responding to my e-mail from last week. It was the e-mail where I pointed out I had no idea this Willy guy was my primary contact at his office. Mario's reply was highly professional, and he even threw in a bit of self-deprecating humor as well, suggesting anyone who works for a property management company for 10 years must be crazy. I guess he didn't see my resume because, though true, he probably wouldn't have added that last part if he wanted to be on my good side.

Then Mario told me nobody more than him wanted to get my home rented out. I didn't respond telling him if that was the case, why did the listing on his Web site say it wasn't ready until July 28? Or, why has it had one showing in 30 days? And why--when they manage a home, slightly smaller, one block away for more money and I have always gotten top dollar for my home--should I take a reduction in rent when they haven't even shown the place?

And there was more pandering today when Mario got my e-mail this morning. I sent it right after someone named Greg e-mailed me to tell me once again, I had only had one showing in the past 30 days. My note to Mario was that it was time for us to part ways. I left it polite, keeping out all my personal feelings. It was even more polite than I really cared to. Hopefully that will count for something when I meet the Almighty.

Mario, the King of Pandering, wrote me back saying he wished I would reconsider. If nothing else, would I please have enough mercy to allow him to follow up with the one potential applicant who saw the place this weekend. Now, I know nobody saw it this weekend. But, what the heck! If Mario can pull a renter out of thin air and have them move in tomorrow, that's fine. So, I told him that would be ok, but the tenant must have no pets, reasonable credit, no evictions or felonies. He had until close of business today to make it happen. It didn't happen.

At 5:23 p.m. Alabama time I sent Mario another note. I told him I was sorry we couldn't make it work and someone would be by to pick up the keys.

That noise you may hear is rejoicing from Heaven.

Oh... It Is Plausable

So, I was talking to Carolsue on Thursday. And she suggested when I pull my home from Mario, I give it to her friend Adam.

Adam is a real estate agent. He impressed me beyond belief last year when I saw how hard he worked to sell a $25k home. Most agents won't even touch homes where the commission is less than their electric bill, but Adam was the Energizer Bunny.

In all fairness he has done everything he should do to earn my business. The timing has been bad. But it has occurred to me (repeatedly) that if I had given him the home in Leeds to sell it would have been sold by now.

Back to Adam... Carolsue suggested I contact him to handle the property management instead of giving it to Mario. Since my conversation with her, Marty Sunshine and Mr. Partner have nixed the idea, but I had my reasons why it wasn't a place I should go.

Adam is one guy, he isn't a property management company. Most likely we would be in a situation where I had more involvement in the process than I care to have. I don't need that. I lived that for years and I promise, I don't want to go backwards. If you don't believe me when I tell you it was stressful, please feel free to check this blog's archives.

As a corollary to Adam being a one-man show, there are other considerations. And that's where my chat with Carolsue got interesting. "What if Adam got hit by a bus? Who would manage the home then?"

Carolsue replied with some mundane answer which didn't really make me feel any better. So, I continued, "And what if the person driving the bus is the tenant he is managing?"

"Now you are just talking crazy." Carolsue accused. "That just isn't plausible."

Oh really?

At that point I gave her a laundry list of implausible situations that have happened to me since I started this accidental business. Some of them you will never find in this blog (but if you want to know, it will cost you an adult beverage. I can be bought) and many more which are. I even included the story of a guy who once mowed the lawn for me. He accidentally ran over a yellow jacket hive. He is allergic to yellow jackets. As he ran to get away from the yellow jackets, he ran into the street and got hit by a car. If you don't believe me, here is the story.

So you see Carolsue. I want to save Adam's life. This is the easiest way I can think of that will ensure he won't be hit by a bus.

Incompetent Thursday

Yesterday was a bad karma day. My ego was beaten down and I once again wonder why I am involved in anything real estate related. Or conversely yesterday, in a half-full kind of way, it was a good blogging day. You decide.

While Mario was getting pissy at me because I told him I was unhappy with my one showing for the entire month for my move-in ready home--which has had the same rental amount for 10 years (though he insists I was the one who overpriced it), I was also being called all sorts of names including "incompetent" by clients of mine because I can't rent out their home.

The clients wrote a long letter to my broker lying--mind you--about about the rental listing I have. They said (among everything they complained about) that I put in "smokers welcome" in the listing and left that way in MLS for more than a week. Incidentally, I believe the very first time in my entire life I ever wrote "smokers welcome" was in the sentence prior to this. The truth was, I did not check the box that said "non-smoking home" and they caught that. It was changed within an hour of them telling me.

My clients are stressed. They have two vacant homes. Mind you, they had reliable long-term tenants in one home and asked them to leave last month because... well, actually I don't know why. I never understood that one. My broker doesn't either. The long-term reliable tenants were flabbergasted too. But nevertheless, they now have two vacancies.

I have two vacancies as well. Both of my homes have mortgages. Theirs don't. But I digress...

The home in question where my "incompetence" was oozing will be a lovely home once the work is complete. They bought a fixer-upper that needed a ton of work and even more updating. My clients weren't willing to update, so the 1992 gray-blue counter tops and the brass fixtures are staying in this luxury home. We did finally convince them to paint the cabinets but they don't see any reason to replace the 1992 appliances.

However, the work isn't complete, because the clients haven't paid the contractors who are doing the construction. That's kind of a priority. So, the pictures I have on MLS are of the lovely exterior (which looked lovely when the picture was taken--they don't want to pay for landscaping or watering either) and the staircase. There are no kitchen and bath pictures. In fact, I was told (by them) the home was move-in ready and what exactly was the hold-up??

Here is the move-in ready proof:

















What really bothers me is that I was politer than I really wanted to be to Mario and he was his usual self. I was politer than I wanted to be to my abusive clients too. For that matter, I have bent over backwards for my clients and yet I am incompetent. I have shown this home four times this week alone--even looking like the above picture and begging the prospective tenants to use their imagination of what this kitchen could look like.

My home in Alabama I am asking Mario about is quite nice. In fact, it is probably my nicest home. It is move-in ready by their standards and I pay my bills. I know Mario's job is tough. I am doing the exact same job on the other end. However, I am not sure I am the one who is incompetent.

Anti-Service

To give you a brief back story: my home on Hysteria Lane has been vacant for almost a month. I have been frantically e-mailing Bruce, Mario's minion asking questions. I gave the directive early this month: "price the place competitively." I have repeatedly asked what was going on and didn't get an answer.

Then early this week I got some sort of automatic e-mail telling me, great news! I had one showing this month. And because Bruce is continually ignoring me, I contacted Mario and asked what was going on. Mario, who really is probably the biggest jerk jackass I have never had the pleasure of meeting, told me that some dude named Willy is my contact.

And then Mario told me I should know that, duh!

When I responded saying I was frustrated because this very nice home which should easily rented wasn't and that I didn't feel Mario and his minions were giving it any priority, Mario sent me a snarky defensive note and there was no mistaking his annoyance.

He apparently disagreed and told me 1) I was the one who priced the house too high (I wasn't involved in the pricing, and besides, it was the same amount the home has been rented for since 2004) and 2) Willy had been keeping in touch with me and why wasn't I working with him? The subtext was "shut the hell up you stupid Yankee woman."

I finally dug up the one and only note from Willy written to me on July 10. It said:

Hey,

Bruce asked me to reach out to you and let you know that we are going to get your property out for lease ASAP.

Thank you,

W

I have a pet peeve about strangers staring e-mails to me with, "Hey". In Alabama, I am pretty sure it is poor manners too. But I digress.

I did forward that particular e-mail to Mario along with this message: 

Mario: This is the sum and total of Willy's communication with me. This doesn't tell me he is in charge of leasing my home. He makes it sound like he is just doing Bruce a quick favor. This e-mail is from July 10. That's it. 

I haven't heard back from Mario. However, if the place isn't rented by Monday, we will be pulling it from Mario's property management clutches. I am guessing at this point, he probably won't be too upset.

Carolsue tells me the home is too classy for Mario's typical slum homes. Hm... Maybe that's the problem.

Slick Rick

So last week, Slick Rick calls me after I innocently inquired what my Calera home is worth. Slick works with Mario and his delightful, yet timid, minion Bruce--who happens to be the bright spot in Mario's entire organization. To back up, Slick sent me an e-mail with the following (in this order):

Hi I am Slick Rick

I charge 6 percent to sell your house.

I sold a house in Calera three years ago so I know the area.

What do you want to sell your house for?

After some gentle nudging and suggesting from me that I needed to know what the home is worth before I decided what I wanted to sell it for, Slick threw out an outrageous value of $98,000 for my four bedroom, 2,500 square-foot, 10year old home.

And that is where the fun began.

After explaining to Slick I thought the home was worth more and giving him logical reasons why, Slick responded, telling me he was the expert. His e-mail was full of condescending snark. He also re-iterated he charged 6 percent to sell my home. And sign here so we can get this party started.

I was amused by his e-mails, primarily because I already knew I wasn't going to hire him. Ever.

Playing along, I told him I recently put my home in Alabaster for sale at a rate much higher. I explained the type of home and neighborhood (giving specifics) were similar to this one in Calera.

Slick wrote me back saying, "Did you get any calls on it?"

Me: "No. But the agent I hired to list the home did. I got a rental application on it before we got a contract. So it is a rental for another year."

At which point Slick apparently woke up and did some research and realized I own more than two homes. And all of the sudden his attitude changed. I have homes! I want to sell them! As far as he was concerned, he could be the guy who does this for me.

Then I got another e-mail. He said perhaps his comp was low. Perhaps we might have started off on the wrong foot? And what was my phone number? He would love to chat with me and find a "solution" to help me sell my home. Let's talk!

I gave him my number and said he was welcome to call, but as far as I was concerned, the house was going back up for rent and at this time it would not be going up for sale. And, I know you will be shocked by this, but I haven't heard from him since.

A Ray of Hope-ish

I got an offer on my redneck hovel in Leeds. Actually, I got the offer last week. It is a low-low offer. Though I am not against the price exactly, I was totally against the terms. Let's just say, it isn't a win-win.

When Ray sent me the offer last Thursday, all he wrote was "I don't like the seller. They don't always close." And then I didn't hear from him until Monday afternoon, though I asked him several questions Thursday such as: how do we counter this to a more amenable offer?

By Monday I had already called Luigi to complain about Ray's lack of initiative and Luigi--who is probably sick of my weekly examples of how I would sell a house if I were Ray (or anyone else for that matter)--apparently had a little chat with Ray. It seems Ray has changed his tune from, "Do whatever you want, I don't care if you sell this house," to "How can I help you, Mrs. Landlord who has a gazillion homes you want to sell and if I do this well you may call me again to help you."

In the case of this particular offer, I decided to pass. I am not excited about the crazy terms. For example, if I want some other closing attorney other than Flip, I can pay for them on my own AND pay for their closing attorney. Additionally, the earnest money they are proposing putting down to hold this home for them is about par with the hourly wage of a small Guatemalan sweatshop apprentice. And, let's not forget my favorite: in order to make this sale go through, they need the social security number of the tenant before their inspection period is over with--though I don't know why.

It does seem Ray is a bit more responsive to me as a client. It is too bad Luigi had to have another pep talk with him to make this happen. And sadly, Ray is still much, much better than Slick Rick in Calera.

A Plethora of Dumbasses

I think I spend 83.76 percent of my time when I first start working with a client explaining Zillow, Truila and the rest of the Internet real estate sites are not their friends. There are many reasons for this and if you want a list, feel free to privately contact me and expect to spend an hour of your time listening to my reasons. But it boils down to this: They are often wrong. Often.

Zillow, et. al. is good for figuring out a ballpark price for a neighborhood. And I often use it for such when I am stuck myself and want an idea of what I can expect. But I use it only for a benchmark.

I say this because Slick Rick got back to me. He tells me my 2,500 square foot, 9 year old home on Hysteria Lane is worth $98,000. Mind you the home in Waterford--which is less than two miles away, the same age and half the size is worth more than that. Also my home in Alabaster which is slightly smaller but similar in age, appearance and neighborhood, is worth much, much more than that.

Heck! For that matter, Ray is allegedly listing my redneck hovel in Leeds for more than that (though I expect I will get less than $98k when all is said and done).

So pardon me if I don't believe Slick. Mind you, he didn't send me sales comps. He just sent me an e-mail today telling me my home was worth $98k, letting me know (again) he charges 6 percent and how hard he works for it, and what price did I want to list the home for?

And though I loathe Zillow, I did do a quick glance on it to see what I could expect. Zillow's estimate is much closer to what I was expecting. And they gave me sales comparables.

All Slick has told me thus far is he doesn't want my business. And I guarantee when I go to sell this house, he will not be my agent.

Nausea on Hysteria Lane

It appears the tenant on Hysteria Lane moved out in the middle of the night. Actually, she waltzed in to Mario's office Monday, straight to Bruce's desk and slapped down the keys, proudly saying she was out of my home and out of their life. At that point, Bruce politely reminded her she signed a two year lease and she was on the hook for the rest of the rent whether she liked it or not.

I am guessing she forgot about that second year.

I have asked Bruce about three times why she moved out, and he hasn't responded. My gut tells me it is because I wouldn't compensate her for her "troubles" when she flooded my home last February. Of course, had she not flooded my home, she wouldn't have had trouble, but that's just how I look at it.

When Bruce told me about this (he e-mailed me because he is afraid I will yell--or so I have been told), I asked him how much the home was worth. In all fairness, I am pretty sure we are upside down, or at least close to even on this particular property. It is in a nice neighborhood and rents quickly, so I don't see any reason to dump it at this time. I have never asked for comps before and frankly, I just didn't know what to expect. So, I asked.

Bruce grossly misinterpreted my question and sent me another e-mail (bless his heart). He stated me he was sorry to loose this house and my business, he would immediately take down the sign and he would have someone contact me right away about listing it.

True to his word, Slick Rick sent me an e-mail three seconds later. Slick told me he was familiar with the area because he sold one home there years earlier and he charges 6 percent. And by the way, he didn't have any idea what the home was worth, but what did I want to sell it for?

Between Bruce, Slick and Ray (who is allegedly listing the home in Leeds) I have to wonder how any of these folks make a living.

Leedsing Me On

So, Ray got back to me and said he was going to list the home at the exact same number Zillow suggests my home is worth. It isn't that I don't believe Zillow's "zestimate"--but they are not the best judge of comps. The price Ray quoted me seems about $7,000 higher than it should be.

When he gave me the magic listing price, I said, "If you are good with that, I am good with that." I am guessing he will come back to me in two weeks and say, "the price is too high." At which point I will ask what he has done to market the home.

Though I know this is Ray's job, I may advertise it in some other markets and see what comes of this. There may be investors who are ready to move their portfolios into the Birmingham market. You never know? Frankly, I would like to leave this task to Ray, but it took him a month to put the property on his own multiple listing service.

That said, the home is allegedly listed. I am now crossing my fingers and toes this place does sell. Soon.

P.S. Women Do Not Keep Leather Couches in Their Garage

Dear Joe,

May I call you Joe? Thanks.

I was in your home today. Actually, I was in Mitch and Tonya's home today. You just live there. You haven't met Mitch and Tonya. They are awesome clients and even more awesome friends. I sold them the home you currently reside in. This past week, while at lunch with Tonya, she tells me Lisa--her tenant--has been acting funny lately.

You know Lisa don't you? She is on the lease for the home you live in. You, by the way, aren't. In fact, you aren't supposed to be there at all. but I digress...

Anyway, according to Tonya (your defacto Landlord) Lisa has been acting peculiar. She is in the medical profession and rent is constantly late. That's a red flag. An HOA violation came in recently and when Tonya called Lisa about it, she said, "I will find out whose car that is." Instead of something like, "Oh, I don't know anything about this" or a simple, "It won't happen again." And then there is the fact a man was seen leaving the townhome with a sweet little girl recently. Lisa doesn't have a little girl. She has two well-grown teen daughters.

All of these comments Tonya mentioned during our lunch made my sixth sense kicked in. I would like to tell you I have the gift of prophecy, but it is really more like, been there, done that. In the landlord vernacular, excuses means problems. Lisa has recently been full of them.

So, Mitch and Tonya opted for an inspection. I tagged along as well. Lisa was gracious and told us, though she would not be home at the time, we were welcome to come in and look around. And this is where you come in Joe.

There are many, many reasons why your ruse did not work. And, in the future, if you are ever trying to fake out a landlord who does not know you are living in their home, and more importantly, you are supposed to be a divorced woman with weekend custody of your teen daughters, you might want to adhere to the following:

Though you left the place relatively clean today, the bathtub is black. Women do not have black bathtubs.

Women do have black shoes. Whether sneakers, stilettos or Toms, we own at least one pair of black shoes. Always. In fact, we own shoes. If you took the time to shove various extra-large polyester dresses and 1970's grandma print long sleeve shirts into the closet, you might have thought to put in a pair of shoes and perhaps even a pair of pants.

Though this is a delicate subject, it disturbs me greatly what kind of scam you were putting on. Women do not proudly display a Costco sized box (unopened) of feminine hygiene products on a self six feet above the potty. Ever. However, I give you props for the feminine touch on that one, because that's about the only place we saw anything girly.

And for example, when it comes to being girly, single women do not have six-foot lithographs of Joe Camel proudly displayed on their entry wall. Women do have some sort of beverage on hand at all times. Even if we aren't expecting company, one can find anything from bottled water to diet soda to a bottle of wine in any woman's pantry.

And yes, did I mention Lisa was single? This is why a pillow with her married last name embroidered on it as the only accessory in the sparse living room is a bit of a jolt. If I were divorced and kept my ex's name, I certainly wouldn't want a pillow with his name and the words, "circa 1995" on it.

And let's talk about the teen daughters. They are too old to share one bed. And, the clothes in the room are for a much, much smaller child. Also, just as an FYI: the turtle in your daughter's aquarium is dead. Women notice dead critters in their homes.

Once we started putting the pieces together, it got even more awkward. You see, though you took a lot of effort to cover up your tracks (and suggest Lisa had a very ugly wardrobe), you left a relatively conspicuous pile of legal papers, outlining your probationary terms as well as letters from lawyers. Given the number of envelopes and some of the dates, it appears you have a lot of baggage you have now brought into Mitch and Tonya's life stemming back as far as Lisa's pillow.

Though I am sure your mother thinks you are all kinds of awesome, Mitch and Tonya did not agree to rent to you. And, if they had known Lisa was going to pull this kind of a shenanigan, they wouldn't have rented to Lisa either. Which reminds me, where is Lisa? Is she in the suitcase? Or are you possibly wearing the paisley orange and sunburst yellow caftans and a wig (and obviously walking around barefoot) on a regular basis? Or was it that Lisa couldn't handle being alone and moved in with some guy? Instead of breaking her lease she did everyone a "favor" and decided to put together this ruse?

You should know, Joe, Lisa will not be happy if you leave the place a disaster. Arizona is a very friendly landlord state and Lisa will be on the hook and have her wages garnished for any damage you do.

At this moment, I am sure Mitch and Tonya are evaluating their options and you will soon find out your fate. They weren't excited today when we went in. Neither was I. These are good people who deserve better than the liars and crooks they are now dealing with.

Sincerely,

The Landlord

No Leads for Leeds

About a week ago I had a chat with Luigi about my frustrations with Ray's work ethic. My goal was to come across professionally and not as a whiner. When we hung up, I felt I had successfully done what I intended to do.

I conveyed that I was surprised at Ray's inability to cooperate and list the homes (the one in Leeds is all he has left) like he is contracted to do. I was disappointed Ray only filled out the commission instructions of the six page listing agreement, leaving me to put in my own terms. I shared how I have asked him to call me about marketing the home and yet I haven't heard word one from him. I explained that I was puzzled that he wasn't using this listing as an opportunity to drum up more business for himself and the property management company he works for. After all, one listing can be worth several sales if done right.

Though it was a phone call, I got the impression Luigi had face-palmed his forehead and was shaking his head on the other end as he agreed with my analysis. He didn't make excuses for Ray, only saying he thought this would have been a great opportunity for him and he was unsure what the holdup was. Luigi promised to speak with Ray and get things sorted out.

My last two weeks were complicated and though I fantasized about selling all of my Alabama homes several times last week (as I do on a regular basis), I didn't really put much realistic hope anything was getting done. This week, I looked up my Leeds address to see if the major home sale real estate sites had picked up the listing. Nothing.

So, I e-mailed both Luigi and Ray again. I simply asked what had been done. Luigi wrote me back saying Ray was out of town and he would check into it. My reply was terse: I don't beg people to take my money. So if Ray isn't interested, just let me know. I have better ways to extend my energy and I can think of two agents off the bat I would be happy to give the listing to.

Today Ray wrote me back. He would happily list my home, I just needed to give him a dollar amount to offer the home for sale. I didn't pop a vein, but I did reply with another terse comment, explaining he has given me a $30,000 range of what this home is worth, but has yet to provide me with any comps. As I don't have a real estate license in Alabama, I am relying on Ray, a real estate professional, and his expertise to guide me into making an informed decision.

I did not cc Luigi. But I was darn tempted.

If I can make a bold prediction, Ray will do absolutely nothing with this listing. It will not get on MLS. Or if it does, it will not be on there correctly. I will never get an accurate assessment of what the home is worth (Zillow says the high end of Ray's prediction--he significantly lowered the price once he found out work was involved--not that Zillow is terribly accurate, but right now Zillow is working harder for me than Ray is). I further predict about two weeks from now I will have another come-to-terms meeting with Luigi, Ray's boss. Meanwhile, the home is rented and eventually the listing will expire. 

Allergic to Work

The nicest way word I can think of to describe Ray--the agent Luigi assigned to sell the two homes I wanted sold--is a dumbass. I rarely will just blatantly outright trash someone on my blog, so you get the idea. Ray is a dumbass. He is also damn condescending--in that Southern man-don't-you-worry-your-pretty-little-head-about-it way. Wrap up those elements of his personality and what I can see about his real estate selling skills and you have what I never, ever wanted for a real estate agent to represent me and my best interests.

We started this saga months ago, though it was unbeknownst to all parties at the time. When I negotiated my property management contracts I put in them that if Luigi's company handled the buyer and seller of a sale of my properties they would take a cut in their commission. This has been a source of contention between Ray and me from day one. He wasn't part of that negotiation and he isn't happy. In truth, he hasn't brought me a sale either. So, currently his commission is zero.

I asked him to list the Alabaster home for sale. I explained it was also for rent. So, if Luigi rented it out first, it would go off the market. If Ray popped it on MLS and we had a contract, too bad for Luigi. I discussed this independently with both Ray and Luigi. I even wrote it in the listing contract (Ray left the entire listing contract blank, including the addresses and price--except the commission instructions, which I changed anyway). It wasn't a shock.

And, because Ray isn't Johnny-on-the-spot, he didn't bother putting the house on MLS until SIX days after I gave him the listing. And he only did it when he found out there was a potential renter interested. And then, he started barking to everyone in earshot (Ms. Amy--at the office they work at together--told me this) that I wanted to sell the place so stop showing it for rent.

Great news! I have a renter for the Alabaster home!

Ray was also directed to sell the home in Leeds. I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with him the day I sent over the listing with the following directive: offer the home for sale to the tenants. If they aren't interested, tell them nothing more. I don't want to scare the tenants away. Just quietly list it on MLS and find an investor. I don't want to do anything to make them uncomfortable.

And, just because I am a high-strung Type-A, I actually wrote the previous in an e-mail. I wanted it very clear the long-time tenants are to feel secure they have a place to live if they don't want to buy.

Now then, for those of you who may find this a bit implausible, please understand, this happens all the time. It is common for a home to be listed in the Multiple Listing Service where a tenant lives. It is common to say, do not disturb the tenants. It takes a LOT longer to sell the home this way and more work has to go into the process, but in the mean-time the agent who lists the home has a chance to find buyers and sellers to grow their business. A good investment listing can generate two or three other sales for an agent. Plus, it can sell their client's home--which is all I really cared about.

Or, if the agent happens to work for a property management company, they can advertise to their landlords and see if they can drum up a buyer that way. Perhaps the owner says, "I am not interested in this particular home, but what else do you have?" It can work in the savvy agent's favor if they know what they are doing.

Ray does not know what he is doing. The tenants do not want to buy the home. But, apparently he told them I was selling. And they have made it clear they are unhappy about this and they have stated they will NOT cooperate with any showings. And now they want to move.

Last Tuesday I sent Ray a note saying I think he and I have not been on the same page about marketing the home and perhaps we could talk later in the week. I had some ideas and would be willing to assist in social media so the work would not be all his. After all, I have a vested interest in getting this house sold.

I have not heard back.

I have since changed my strategy. As long as the tenants stay, the house will not be sold. If they move out, I will take it out of management and find some competent agent to sell the place. And, I happen to know a few savvy agents over there who aren't afraid of work.

In Other News

"What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away, in the end. You could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way." 

--Johnny Cash, Hurt

I just sent the listing paperwork to Luigi and his broker, Ray, to sell two of our homes. I have a myriad of emotions coursing through me right now. The two homes in question are very different. We are selling them for different reasons.

Both are homes we have with Mr. Partner. I am not sure Mr. Partner exactly knows they are being sold. Marty Sunshine told him recently we were going to do it. However, I suspect he hasn't completely grasped this.

To be continued.

Grayson Valley Update

I know this is going to come as a shock to nobody, but the idiots in the Grayson Valley House did not move out last weekend. Luigi went over to do his final walk-through only to find their worldly possessions happily collecting dust. The tenants weren't there, but apparently one adult child was, who didn't seem to grasp the magnitude of the event and let Luigi walk in and look around. Luigi, of course, set this up a week ago, so he had the right to enter anyway.

Not only is the house still occupied, but it isn't as spiffy as it was when Marty and I sunk a small fortune into it last year, getting it ready to rent and undoing the past five years' of Jack's neglect.

When he called me, Luigi didn't exactly elaborate in his voice mail and--to my liver's credit--I didn't call him back. All I know is that it isn't pretty and there is at least a broken window. I am sorta hoping the rest is just easy-to-take-of kinds of things. I did follow up with an e-mail saying I would be happy to discuss this on Friday. And let's talk then. Lucky me. Today is only Thursday.

Even Luigi is out of patience with these folks. And I never thought that could happen.

I regularly fantasize about finding a group of people who don't mind going back to prison and asking them if they want to go over and toss these yahoos out of my home. I won't do that of course. But it has quickly become my happy place.

Tomorrow, or maybe later today, I will fish through my files for the yellow pieces of paper this guy has been sending me on and off for the past few months, asking if I want to sell this particular home. It is an investor. I don't know that I want to sell this specific home right now, but I am opening to see what he has to say.

Random Bama

I may have forgotten to mention this, but last week Luigi managed to find a willing, qualified and capable tenant to rent my Pinson house. They didn't care what color the bathrooms were. They hadn't spoken to the nosy neighbor. They weren't bartering a can of paint for the security deposit. All they wanted to do was just move in.

The only drama that ensued was when I found out the particular tenant's name was Mr. Smith. I had a Mr. Smith. He lived in Moody and is on my top three most hated tenants of all time. Though I know it is a common name, before I agreed to rent my home to the new Mr. Smith, I verified it wasn't Michael Smith and his wife and children.

Though Ms. Amy seemed confused by my impassioned request to verify this (including please give me the guy's last four digits of his Social Security number so I can check it against my records), she helped me out. Once I was certain I wasn't dancing with the devil, I happily approved Mr. Smith.

One can never be too careful. 

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Kirby may be out of the property management business, but I am talking to him on a regular basis. You see, he is now an HVAC technician. One by one, he is checking on my homes and giving my HVAC units a tune-up. He says he is giving me the "friend discount"--which is really sweet, because I have a gazillion homes with air conditioners.

In addition to HVAC systems, he also happens to be a bit of a handyman. So, Ms. Angie is getting a front door and he is coordinating with Mrs. Sherwood to fix a few things at her home too.

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Carolsue e-mailed me today. In the event I may ever need such a service, she knows a guy who willingly removes snakes from one's rental homes. For free?! As an added incentive, if it turns out the snake is poisonous, he will pay $5 for the privilege.

He is now on my speed dial.