Want to Buy A Home In Birmingham?

Just in case you are in the market for such a thing, I ran across this Zillow listing.

Birmingham, AL 35209

2 beds 2 baths 1,080 sqft

 FOR SALE BY OWNER

$229,999

Zestimate®: $214,939

This 2 bed 2 bath home is the perfect starter home to show your parents and friends that you have it together.
The front porch leads you into a nice living room that has plenty of sunlight and a fireplace. To really impress your friends, put your coffee table there and put a bowl of lemons on top of a book or put a flower from the front yard in a vase. Bask in the sunshine beaming through the windows. Avoid your guests in the master bedroom.
The master bath has a stand-up shower. Would you rather take a bath? The second bathroom has a tub/shower combo. Start a bath and switch to a shower if you are indecisive.
The kitchen has granite countertops, an eat-in area, and tile floors. There is also a large pantry which is perfect for storing your gluten-free Bisquick. On one of Birmingham's 3 spring days, eat on the porch. The back porch overlooks a large backyard which is enclosed by a privacy fence. Live your dreams through your kids by playing sports in the yard. Wake up in the morning and let the dog outside while you stay inside. Beat the birds to pick blueberries from the bush, or pick rosemary. Find a creative recipe that uses blueberries and rosemary. The point is that they are there and have somehow survived.

From the kitchen you can access the dry basement or the back porch. The basement has plenty of storage for all the stuff that you pack up and move and are planning on going through one day. Tell your mom the home has a basement "in case of storms" and she will almost certainly nod in approval. Text your friends that "they are welcome to come use your basement" when James Spann interrupts your regularly scheduled tv programming to tell you about weather and respect the polygon from the comfort of the basement. It's unfinished, but you will be dry. Also, there is a one-year old heat pump. You will likely be the envy of your peer group because of your reasonably priced utility bills. If you need to leave just set the alarm and go. (It is wired for an alarm system, but you have to get your own account). 
The location of this home is excellent. You will have no problem getting your fitbit steps in each day. Walk your dog to Homewood Park. Carry your kettlebells to Iron Tribe fitness. Ride your unicycle to Octane Coffee or O'Henry's. Take your child to the Creative Montessori School or just toss them over the fence in the backyard to get them there quicker because you are running behind because getting a kid ready in a timely fashion is difficult. (Disclaimer: Don't throw kids). Plan dinner with a friend for Little Donkey or Dave's Pizza, sushi, Zoe's, or Urban Cookhouse, but walk over by yourself early and eat a Steel City Pop pre-dinner. After dinner, suggest that you and your friend get a SC Pop as if it is your first. Or Walk to Dreamcakes or the Edgewood Creamery. It won't matter because you can throw on your Lululemon and work it off at pure barre, iFit, Sweat and Gears, or the Homewood Community Center/gym. Better yet, walk to the farmer's market at soho in that apparel to demonstrate your affinity for an active lifestyle. If you hate working out, just buy bigger clothes at one of the many shops in downtown Homewood. Worried about your soul? Walk to church at Dawson Baptist or Trinity Methodist depending on the age you were baptized. If that isn't your style, the home is convenient to 280, downtown Birmingham, and the interstate so you can go to the faith of your choosing. I don't care. If you would rather sleep in on Sunday, the street is very quiet. 
If you work downtown you can choose I-65 north, 280, or you could bypass them altogether and head up 20th street to drop into the back of Southside/UAB.

Small Victory

Once upon a time we had a business partner named Jack. Jack, like most real estate investors, was all happy about life when times were good. However, when times were bad, he was a very dark man. Jack, by the way, also happened to be my real estate agent at the time.

In 2007 Jack approached us and wanted to partner with us on a home. We bought a really nice property actually. I happen to know that Jack is, and was then, in a much, much better financial position than us (he showed me proof of this). However Jack was allergic to spending money on this house. And unfortunately, things break--like the HVAC system.

At the time the HVAC broke, we asked him if we could just pay our half and he pay his half and add it to our owner's equity. He didn't like that idea. We asked him if we could just pay the whole darn thing and settle when we sell the house. He didn't like that idea either. Meanwhile the tenant was squawking. What he did suggest was a loan from the gas company, who provided such things, and let the tenant's rent make the payment on it every month. Now that's well and good and all, but it is ineffective. For one thing, now we are paying on an obsolete HVAC unit.

And of course, Jack being self employed, he did not qualify for a loan. Nor are Marty and I fans of anything on installments. But Marty felt to keep the peace between Jack and us over this one small issue, we would just do it. Six months later, Jack bailed, giving us all of the liability on this house. And in all fairness, all the profit.

Today, I paid off the loan early. I also may have made a passive aggressive comment or two to the Universe about Jack.

Random Bama--Legal Style

As I understand it, Kirby has fought for Legal Owl to be the closing attorney on my home I am selling. I sent a note out to her, cc'ing Kirby, letting her know this was coming. In my e-mail to Legal Owl, I mentioned there was an omission to the contract: Marty Sunshine is a licensed (inactive) real estate agent in the state of Arizona. Because I couldn't think of another word to describe the gravity of the situation as I saw it, I mentioned in Arizona it is a "big no-no to omit this." I also explained that "no-no" is a highly technical and legal phrase. Legal Owl wrote back and said law school has an entire semester which solely deals with important legal phrases such as "no-no" and "oopsy".

_______________________________________

Apparently the competition for closing attorneys in Alabama is pretty hot. I got a weird e-mail from some other attorney's office saying if we use them instead of the attorney we want, they will "waive the $85 notary fee." Seriously? $85 for a notary?? Why not waive the Fed Ex fee instead, because all they are doing is overnighting us a few documents. 

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Diamond Jim got a weird fax the other day. Someone from some "Mortgage Risk Service" asked him to verify our tax return and mortgage information from 2004. He immediately called me and wanted to know if I could shed light on what this was about. No, I couldn't.

I was impressed. Since 2004, Diamond Jim has had four addresses, including one in a different state. His phone and fax numbers have changed in that time too. This guy took some effort to find him.

My best guess is it is related to the home that was just foreclosed and the "Mortgage Risk Service" is about to file a judgement against us. Legal Owl has another theory (and one I like significantly better): the mortgage processor is being audited. The Feds are still going after predatory lending from years gone by. I doubt this property will fall under predatory lending guidelines, but here's hoping she's right.

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It is time to look at talking to a bankruptcy attorney. I have been putting this off. We are not ready to file, but it is time to buy an hour of someone's time and find out what our options happen to be. Ideally we don't file and life goes on. But I suspect it won't be that easy. It never is.

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Speaking of weird Alabama stuff (when, I ask you, aren't we?). The Alabama purchase contract has the following verbiage in it. It is bolded for impact, I suppose: "After closing, the home is the responsibility of the buyer."

How cute.

And finally, a Happy Birthday to one of my three readers: Home Jeanne: I hope you have a great day! Enjoy your day and have a beer for me. 

Under Contact

Kirby sent me the paperwork yesterday! They accepted our counter offer. We are (hopefully) not coming in writing a check. They even agreed to a few of our other terms--but not our closing attorney. Sorry Legal Owl. 

I know if I had held out for more money I would have spent a great deal more on the mortgage, upkeep, utilities and insurance.  The insurance on this house is about $1,600 and due July 1. 

Nothing else in this neighborhood has sold for what I had my home listed for. I am getting a fair market price but not my price. It isn't my favorite scenario, but I can live with it. 

An Open Letter to Kendra

I belong to a Facebook group whose sole function is to be somewhat like a mini-Craigslist. People post on there when they are looking for a house cleaner, wanting tattoo recommendations or are wanting unsolicited medical advice (usually along with disgusting pictures of a rash or skin lesion).

My personal opinion is there way too many people on there with a high sense of entitlement on this site because about once every time I look I find someone ranting (and they brag they are ranting) about something in life that just didn't go their way which they wish to take absolutely no responsibility for. And at the end they always close with, "no negative comments," which makes me chuckle because they are posting this on social media but don't want anyone else judge their consequences.

This one from Kendra caught my eye. And yes, it started with "rant".

"Rant: I hate landlords who cheat tenants. We working hard for our money n they cheating us. We $100 or late on rent and they get mad and tell us they are going to evict. If they can afford a house why do they care if we late? We keep da yard good. We do dem a favor."

Major grammar infractions aside, there is so, so much wrong with this.

I am in a space right now where I am fed up with entitled tenants. And though I didn't comment on this I really wanted to. Here is what I would have written:

Dear Kendra,

I think we all dislike others who cheat us, including your landlord. After all, you have a contract with this person to pay what you are contractually obligated to pay, and yet you don't. By the way not paying what you agreed to pay constitutes stealing. I would also bet you are contractually obligated to take care of the yard and the home to a certain extent as well, so I just can't give you brownie points for that one.

Perhaps your landlord feels a bit like I do: they are sick of people taking advantage. They don't want to deal with other's petty dramas. Perhaps they don't want to solve your dilemmas. Or, just maybe they have done you countless favors and are spent because you keep asking for more. That's just a guess.

If your landlord evicts you, he (or she) probably has cause to do so. They can rent the home out for more money and have your baggage and karma out of their lives. You say you are hard working, then you know the value of a dollar. Perhaps you know about investing? That's what this owner did. They invested in a home. They invested in you. Only one of those is permanent. I guarantee the owner has been thinking about kicking you out long before they mentioned it to you.

It seems like if you can't afford the rent, move. Garnering sympathy on social media from like-minded folks does not solve your housing issues.

Sincerely,

A Frustrated Landlord

Cooperatively Uncooperative

A couple of days ago I wrote about a home I have listed for sale. The owner wants the tenants to stay and pay her mortgage while she is trying to sell. As you can imagine, this is not a recipe for success. I advised her (in writing) it would not be in her best interest to go this route. Instead, she should ask the tenants to leave (their lease is up June 30) and sell it when it is empty. And like most frustrated real estate clients of past and present, she doesn't take the advice she is paying for seriously.

Part of the reason why she opted to allow the tenants to stay while the home is for sale was because the tenants promised to be cooperative. "Sure, no problem! You can show the home any time!" Of course that sounds absolutely ducky in theory. But there are so many outside factors that make this a loose-loose situation. For one thing, these folks have nowhere to go. There are no rental homes available anywhere in the greater Phoenix metro area. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn't.

So, to put this picture together, tenants who are quite happily living in their rental home have agreed to allow strangers walk through it on a random basis so the owner can kick them out. Right?

Well, thus far, the tenants have been cooperatively uncooperative. When I call and nail them down for a time a buyer can walk through (if they acknowledge I am contacting them--and for the most part, I am now just knocking on their door), they say, "Yes, feel free to show it Tuesday between 2 and 3. Wait! I need to clarify, 2 and 3 a.m. on the second Tuesday of the third full moon. And by the way, please have the buyers only knock on the door and not use the doorbell. That way nobody is woken up. Also, please tell them not to go in any of the bedrooms or turn on any lights. My kids will be sleeping."

That kind of cooperative.

In addition to quirky hours they allow people to see the property, my sign has mysteriously disappeared twice. My custom signs are pretty pricey. I just bought them. This does not make me happy. I did find one sign in the bushes by their home. The other one is probably being used as an oil pan for their car--at least that's my guess. I would go look, but I don't have permission to enter the property, and I prefer to be sleeping at 2 a.m.

In addition to trying to sell a home where buyers have to use their imagination to know how the inside looks, the tenants happen to be clients of mine. I am (in theory) looking for a rental home or perhaps a home for them to buy. However, thus far they review my e-mails I am sending, but have done nothing to demonstrate any interest whatsoever to look for anything. And why would they? They are quite cozy where they are right now.

$47.31 Can Cure a Lot of Headaches

So my home that is for sale in Birmingham has an offer. The offer is from an investor. Right now we are quibbling about a few items, including price. I didn't like their first offer, and Kirby countered back on price and who the closing attorney will be. Every other point is pretty much moot until we can get in the same ballpark.

Right now we are $1,500 dollars apart--at which point I will be able to close and not write a check. We are also far from my original asking price. If we can agree on a price, it will be a number that will give me a whole $47.31 in my pocket--and that's just if my numbers are right. My real goal is just to get rid of this house and not write a check in the end.

There are a few other terms we need to iron out. First, I asked for Legal Owl to handle the close. My real reason is because Legal Owl and Attorney Flip are the only people in Birmingham who are fully versed in my LLC structure. Using a different attorney will require several 8" x 10" color glossy photos, pie charts and Venn diagrams to explain. Though it is a pain, it won't be the end of the world to concede this. Besides, as a voice of experience, I can tell you I will never let a sale fall apart on who the closing attorney and title company happens to be.

I also have made it clear for the price of this home, THERE WILL BE NO REPAIRS. None. We are broke. We are done. We have put in a bit of money to make this home salable. There is nothing left. This is non-negotiable. However, it is an investor purchasing this home, so I don't expect a problem here.

There is also a question about the commission. Kirby took a hit on his commission to begin with. However, I am not sure if the buyer side is asking for a commission. If they aren't I am even willing to concede part of the difference in price we are apart. If they are asking for a commission, we can't sell it at their price.

Though as a seller, we aren't excited about giving away our home, there are some reasons why we are willing to let the home go as such a low amount.

1. Homes in this neighborhood stay on the market six months and sell for the price these investors are willing to purchase our home for anyway. So, we have a bird in the hand, so to speak.

2. We owe this particular bank a lot of money for the house they haven't foreclosed on yet. Once they do, they have promised us they will put a lien on the house. We were advised, they might even take any profit we get when we sell this one, so our $47.31 is up for grabs.

3. If we wait for a different offer, we might be waiting a long time, which will cost us a lot more than the $1,500 we are quibbling about. And then the bank may end up taking it anyway. After all, there is a mortgage, taxes, insurance and utilities to pay. There is the risk of vandalism and other hazards. So, as I am writing this, I am realizing the costs of keeping this home outweigh the $1,500 we are apart. Ack!

4. It has been pointed out that we will have a wonderful tax write-off if we sell. Frankly, even if we got a full price offer, we would still be taking a hit. And in all fairness, when I calculated a preliminary tax return next year--even calculating for a recapture in depreciation the IRS will sic on us--we would make our "profit" then. So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The homework I gave Kirby was to give me a few numbers to see if I can make this work. If the dollars don't work, I guess we will be going on to the next offer. But I have to tell you, as an investor and a real estate agent, I realize it would be foolish to loose an opportunity for $1,500 and a few other tid-bits.

Sadly, I Know How This Will End

I currently am the listing agent for five homes in the greater Phoenix metro area. All five sellers are very different. My favorite of the bunch just happens to have access to this blog, but that's not why she is favorite seller.

My sellers range from micro-managing quasi-neurotic to, "it will sell whenever it sells." The other three are mismatched in their somewhere. I have potential blogs galore about having homes for sale. And I have to tell you, this is a happy problem.

Today's seller, Mrs. "it will sell when it sells," story is brought to you by copious amounts of brown paper bags with my spent CO2 and words of sage advice that has been wasted and are now floating around in the ether. Essentially, she didn't listen to me and she will be furious when she finds out why her lovely home didn't sell.

I should quickly explain Mrs. IWSWIS, is a long time acquaintance. You might remember her son whose home I sold a while ago, whose tenants left a present for me behind... If you haven't read about them, it might be worth at least skimming the story. At least check out the picture. Anyway, Mrs. IWSWIS is a wonderful person who has, for the past two years, rented out her custom four bedroom, two bath home in Central Mesa while she is basking in the cool air in her Northern Arizona cabin.

Now that we are at the end of the lease, Mrs. IWSWIS is realizing if she holds on to this property for another year, she will have to pay capital gains taxes. Very true. When she decided it was time to sell, she sought me out, asked me for advice and then completely ignored what I said. My advice was: ask the tenants to leave, take care of a few minor maintenance issues and then list the home. It will sell in a week. But, whatever. She had other ideas.  First, she wants $20k more for the home than she can honestly expect in the condition it is in. That would be an easy fix if it wasn't for the second and more pressing issue.

The second and more pressing issue: There are tenants in place. But she is cool with that. After all, this way she gets monthly revenue (fair enough, I want revenue too). The tenants also have a lease that isn't up until the end of June, giving them significant rights to the home. But Mrs. IWSWIS is more than generous. She is willing to let the tenants stay indefinitely until the house sells. 

The tenants in question have six kids. The wife is a day sleeper and works nights. Arizona law, which these tenants are very familiar with, know that a two day notice is necessary before the home could be seen. But that doesn't mean the tenants have to be cooperative. Yes, they have to let the home be seen. However, the tenants don't have to clean prior to a showing. They don't have to stay silent and let the buyers just look around in peace ("Did you notice the crack in this tile, Mrs. Buyer? Just saying... there might be foundation issues..." There aren't foundation issues). And why would they when then they have themselves would have to move. Also, the tenants don't have to be polite ("I know you just got here, but now leave. We want to watch The Price is Right").

At first, Mr. Tenant was quite accommodating. "Yes, just give us any notice. We are happy to help out." After sixteen messages from me, they have switched to not replying to any phone calls, texts, certified letters or carrier pigeons. Therefore, the home isn't getting shown. And guess who will be blaming me for not selling her, "It will sell when it sells," home?

The Joys of Carpet Cleaning

So I am much closer to listing my Birmingham home than I was, say a week ago. According to Kirby, the painter ran out of paint, so they are a bit behind, but the house should be ready to go this week. And by the way, the home needs a good spit-shine, the water leak (news to me) repaired and the carpets cleaned.

In the South, "carpet cleaning" is synonymous with a company that tends to charge too much for someone who is probably on probation and embittered by life. I really don't need employees from these companies knowing how to gain access to my vacant home and have them help themselves to the copper. Or worse, have them move in, throw a wild party or open a meth lab when I am not looking. And because things like this happen--more often than one can imagine--I wasn't too keen on having them responsible for my carpets. Feeling a bit lost on this issue, I asked Kirby for a name of a reliable carpet cleaner and he gave me Marvin. Kirby swears he is the best carpet cleaner I will ever meet.

When I called Marvin, my call went straight to voicemail, where a male voice with a very incomprehensible drawl said something along the lines of: "Hello, this is Marvin, please leave a message." When I mentioned this to Kirby, he replied, "Yea, he is pretty country." Kirby's idea of "country" is my idea of "Southern." But regardless, I left a message.

It turns out Marvin didn't bother to answer, because he never answers if he doesn't recognize the phone number. Nor does he listen to the message left by anyone who calls and leaves a message from a number he doesn't recognize. Kirby told me this also when I called him several hours later to tell him that Marvin the Wonderful hadn't gotten back to me. Personally, that's an interesting way to do business. It doesn't work in the Big City, but perhaps it is a thing in Alabama.

Anyway, Marvin eventually did call me back (after Kirby jostled him). Marvin would love to clean my carpets! Now, again this is probably a Big City thing, but when one is hired to do a job, it is perfectly respectable to stop selling one's services. But not Marvin. As soon as I said "you are hired" Marvin broke into a sales pitch.

You see, Marvin only uses artisan spring water, that is carried by three year old yaks who are yolked with wood from old forests. The water is collected from the mountains of Tibet. Once the water is brought to a small monastery at the base of mountain, the monks then bless the water and distill only the purest of water droplets before having it sent by albatross to Birmingham Alabama for Marvin to use in his carpet cleaning machine.

Marvin then continued to tell me how he personally hand scrubs every fiber in the carpet, when he had to take a quick non-sequitur. He said--and I am not making this up--"I hope you can understand me. My teeth fell out of my mouth and I might sound funny." Personally, I just thought he sounded Southern and I would have preferred to think so for the rest of my life.

It is fair to say everything Marvin said about his carpet cleaning techniques (which went on for a bit longer) from that point forward I didn't hear. I was busy with a visual I just didn't need. My ears did perk up when he finally got around to talking about price. Frankly, he is the least expensive carpet cleaner I have ever met. I am just hoping I understood him correctly.

Yes Ma'am

I have gone through my fair share of Alabama property managers and feel I can unequivocally say I am convinced Luigi's company is the best I currently have to work with. Had Kirby not sold his company and went off to pursue more profitable vocations, I would take that statement back. And to be fair, Luigi's folks haven't been all that wonderful.

My true issue with Luigi's company is that his staff is having a very difficult time figuring out who they work for. I don't wish to belabor this point, but property management companies have one customer: the owners. They find owners renters for their homes. They handle tenant issues. They handle maintenance issues. They do not work for the tenants. It isn't that property management companies don't sympathize with tenants at times (and often curse owners behind their backs), it is that it is truly the owners who are the ones who pay for the services for the property management company. Hence, the primary customer of a property management company is the owners. Lest you think this is a philosophical issue, I assure you it isn't. This is actually contract law.

I have had my fair share of conversations with everyone at this company from Flunky, Slick Willy, Ms. April and even Luigi about this particular issue. I have written to them offering veiled threats. I have written them--using extra big syllables (and sometimes one syllable words when they were super-confused) explaining exactly how this is going to go. And somehow this has fallen on deaf ears (or in the case of my e-mails, blind eyes). However, I have two new contacts over there and though I am afraid I may jinx something, I think I have finally gotten Luigi's folks to see things my way.

Ms. Elsie apparently comprehends, "The tenants will be taking care of the yard." and "The tenants who ruined my hardwood floors will be paying my hardwood floors," and other such ideas. Not only am I getting a "Yes ma'am" from her, I am getting these kinds of e-mails from her, proactively explaining how the tenants are now being charged for their contractual transgressions. I would tell you it is about time but frankly I couldn't get any other property management company to comply with this prior to recently, so a new precedent has been set.

In addition to this, it appears I have a new contact in the maintenance department. Flunky is now apparently handling billing, though I am half-paranoid enough to believe I have been schlepped off because I may have suggested once too many times that he is incompetent. My new contact has been wonderful.

Ms. Mary sent me a note the other day, saying she was following up about the house in Moody. There had been a tree that had fallen in the yard. It hadn't been taken care of. The tenants were also complaining that I agreed to pay for flooring for a bedroom and hadn't followed through. That got my attention. Both of those issues should have been remedied a month ago. I let Ms. Mary know I was highly disappointed this hadn't happened.

I also let Ms. Mary know these are long term tenants and by no means did I want them to think I had dropped the ball on them. Because I hadn't. I sent her my correspondence with Flunky, showing that I did my part. I didn't say so in so many words, but essentially I double-dog-dared her to throw me under the bus and blame me to the tenants for not taking care of this house. Fortunately, it appears Ms. Mary has more integrity and sense than that. At least I hope so because I am quickly running out of big syllable words.

Waterworks

My Plumber's Dream Home. Probably.

I am expecting a very nice postcard from some exotic location from my plumber this year. I don't even know what I owe him just yet, but I am guessing it is a figure close to Iceland's Gross Domestic Product. Here's hoping he can live it up on his new beach house in Fiji, Barbados or the Maldives.

On Sunday, Mrs. Sherwood sent me a message saying, "The water problem is back. It is flooded and the floor is ruined." You may also remember that a few weeks ago my home in Alabaster had a similar issue. In that case, it was because nobody bothered to tell me the weather stripping needed to be replaced. And better yet, that issue wasn't conveyed to me right away. Instead, upon hearing there was flooding I went with "call a plumber."

This time, raw off that experience, I asked a couple of relevant questions to indeed find out 1) there is a problem with the washing machine drain and 2) a plumber is truly necessary. The best part was this entire exchange only took five minutes, versus the seven hours it took with Flunky. And by the way, this house isn't in property management. I may be seeing a pattern.

I resolved the water issue simply with Mrs. Sherwood calling my plumber and setting up a time for them to meet her out there. I would be the one paying the bill. When I asked her about the flooring, she assured me she would take care of it. It wasn't in a very conspicuous place and she felt letting it dry out and cleaning it would take care of the issue.

But, Mrs. Sherwood has been living in this house for almost 10 years. And frankly, if she looked around, she would figure out she is paying more than market-priced rent. And, she is a rock star of a tenant. So, if there is a flooring issue, I would rather pay a little extra, replace the floor and keep her much longer than let her be the least bit miserable. However, I don't feel that way about all my tenants.

Also this week I got a note from Mrs. Roebuck. In her home there is one potty and apparently it is broken. She told me this as I was driving my teenagers from one particular location to another--which frankly, is all I have done this week. And because I was not in a place to take notes, I told her the same thing I told Mrs. Sherwood: call the plumber. My big concern about this is that this was probably a rush job--which always costs more. However, it sure beats not having a working toilet.

So far, I haven't heard from either tenant or the plumber, so hopefully they were easy fixes. If they weren't. hopefully my plumber and I are friendly enough at this point where I may just call him myself and ask if I can borrow his beach house for a week or two. After all, I financed it.

Closer to Selling

My house I wish to sell in Alabama isn't on the market yet. This isn't a terrible shock, but a situation I would prefer to rectify sooner than later. In order for this to be done, many stars must align. You see, my former tenant sweetly left me a bit of a mess. Apparently she couldn't haul her used mattress, old boxes and a few other items to the curb for the trash to pick up. So, before anything else could be done, Kirby took care of that.

The house also needs a fresh coat of paint on the inside and out. If it would stop raining over there, the exterior could be painted. I am told the interior has been done. I have no idea what color, and though I would like to ask, it would probably emotionally obligate me to this process. And right now, I don't want to be emotionally obligated.

Then there are a few other things that must be done. The house needs to be cleaned. The former tenant took the shower heads. There was a rotted window header that needed to be replaced. Kirby allegedly "hired" someone to cut the bushes in the front, but I suspect he did it himself. And when all is said and done, the carpet needs to be cleaned.

Oh yes, I made the executive decision to replace the Formica butcher block-looking counter tops with some other more modern looking Formica counter tops. I have no idea what I bought, just because I don't want to be emotionally involved. I am told, as I write this, there are currently no counters at the house at all. Hopefully by tomorrow there will be.

This photo above, by the way, is a picture of the kitchen (with the Formica butcher block-ish counter tops). I believe Carolsue painted the cabinets for me years ago. The hardware looks like her handiwork too. Also at one time the kitchen walls were beet red. I painted those walls and cursed the tenant who made me buy six cans of Kiltz to cover up that ugly color.

Though it isn't on the market just yet, I have asked Kirby if he could please get me an offer $30,000 over asking price. The lucky buyers would also need to be willing to take the property as-is and close by April 30th. He thought I was kidding. But I am not.

Associate Broker

I got the word early today that the Arizona Department of Real Estate finally approved my application. This was pleasant news, after the week I had with them. You see, after 90 hours of school, 10 hours of arduous testing and then three more classes as well as a criminal clearance card, I had everything necessary to submit to the department to apply for my broker's license.

So, last Monday (on the way to the Diamondback's opening day, may I add) I drove right over to their office in East Phoenix and slapped down my paperwork on to someone's desk, only to be told my broker needed to initial one little teensy spot. And once he initialed it, all I had to do was e-mail everything in and Voila! I would have my hard-earned designation.

My broker, bless him, has been rushed to the emergency room twice in the past week and I happened to catch him on the one day when he was feeling relatively well. He immediately initialed the document (and gave me an earful on the idiotic bureaucratic policies in place--which I happen to agree with). I then re-submitted, thrilled to be done, done, done! But no.

You see, the department of real estate has rules and forms. On one particular piece of paper, when I was asked on this form how many hours I work per month, I answered 160. Apparently, according to the Arizona Department of Real Estate, that answer does not warrant a broker's license. The correct answer to that particular question turns out to be "172". I know this because the person handling my paperwork told me what to write before I turned it in again. So, I re-wrote the form, re-sent it to my ailing broker and then resubmitted all of the paperwork again--to the same person.

Apparently that wasn't good enough. The Arizona Department of Real Estate then arbitrarily decided they needed the same form (with the same magic "172 hours") signed and initialed by my former broker. They didn't need this initially. But by golly, it was a new burning issue and the only thing standing in the way of having "Associate Broker" at the end of my name.

One would think getting this form signed isn't terribly complicated. We have super-wonderful technology these days that even I can master. One particular program allows me to let anyone in the world "electronically sign" a document. Real estate agents everywhere use this. And, once my former broker clicks on the link (which electrically signs their name) the document is automatically sent back to me. So, piece of cake. The entire process, if one stalls, takes about three seconds.

Now, I know one of you three readers may know my former broker. And I don't wish to make you uncomfortable in the event you two are friends. But, please understand one of the significant reasons I left that particular company because of the childish and punitive behaviors nastiness unprofessionalism of this person. I didn't leave on bad terms, but my laundry list of examples of her poor behavior and unprofessional issues is fodder for a whole 'nuther blog site (Aptly named, "Bad Brokers and Ulcers").

And, in the event I ever thought of going back, I guarantee after this experience, I won't be. You see, my broker documents are time sensitive. My former broker knows this. So, last week I e-mailed this former broker. I called this former broker. I texted this former broker. I even sent her the form which needed attention--a form she has signed many times for other people on many occasions. I did this three times. And for my efforts, I couldn't even get a "I will get back to you." or even a "No. I will not sign this." In fact, when I called her at work twice, she refused my calls. It isn't like she doesn't know who I am. I was with that company for 12 years.

Frustrated, I bandied about a few solutions with others in my office who have dealt with her (there was a mass exodus from old company to my new company, so there are a lot of us who feel the same way). I was given suggestions from driving over to my former office, blocking in her car and not letting her out until she signed my form, to just going over to her home and giving her children copious amounts of candy until she signed my paper. There were a few other ideas which were questionably legal and my colleagues offered to start a Go-Fund-Me account for bail if I felt the need to follow any of their totally reasonable suggestions.

What I did do was a bit more passive aggressive. After giving Ms. Former Broker one more chance to take care of my very normal, and three-second request, I went to the Arizona Real Estate forum site on Facebook. This is a site I happen to know she trolls regularly. I posted asking if anyone on the forum was a member of the Realtor Association's professional standards and practices committee, and if so, would they please contact me because I needed advice.

Three members in the first 10 minutes after I posted contacted me. But even better, within 15 minutes of me posting and asking for assistance, Ms. Former Broker had returned my document. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I suggested it was a coincidence. I was immediately blackballed by the rest of the folks in my office who had once worked with her. In fact, one of these agents said, "Nothing with her has changed." Nope. It hadn't.

After that headache, I am now an associate broker.

I would like to tell you that getting my business cards was super-simple, but apparently I will have to find another social media site to take care of that issue. But with any luck, they will be arriving next week.

The Joys of Selling

So Kirby got inside my now-vacant home. He tells me the good news is the tenants left it in reasonable condition. The bad news is they didn't leave it the way they found it. Then he sent me a bunch of pictures to prove what he was talking about.

I hate it when tenants think the home they used to live in is their own personal dumpster. Now I am responsible for hauling off their junk--including a mattress. This means I have to find someone who is willing and able to haul off the junk and doesn't charge me crazy prices.

There is a bit of wood rot that also needs to be addressed. Kirby says this won't be too costly. The deck needs to be stained and the home needs a good cleaning. This is in addition to painting the exterior--which will happen once it stops raining over there.

Kirby also thinks I should replace the counter tops because they aren't granite (I am not a fan of granite, but that is for a different blog post). But that was just real estate speak for "the house is outdated," which is fine when it is a rental. It is not fine when it is for sale. I am either going to lower the price $10k--which I really can't do or I am going to have to do more work than I budgeted.

As someone who is in the business, I have a tough time with other's versions of "outdated." I am currently showing homes to a buyer who mentioned a home was outdated because whomever had lived in the home had decorated it about five years ago. I would like to point out, when this buyer moves in and redecorates to make the home "modern," five years from now it will be outdated again. It happens. It is called "time."

Additionally, as a seller, I am not very excited about paying for a buyer's dream. I am selling a home right now, not what the buyer wants the home to look like by next Christmas. If they want wood floors, they should put them in, not the person who is leaving the home. Buyers blow me away when they want to offer less because they want to change things around, "Our price is because we will need to paint the kitchen chartreuse and add a sun porch. I can't believe the seller overlooked this."

This is a voice of experience. I convinced a seller once to change the counter tops and flooring. The home sold immediately. I drove by this home two weeks later to find the new buyer had taken out the flooring and counter tops. (Though it has been a couple of years, I have not told this seller--who happens to be related to me--about this yet. Maybe it will come up at Sunday's family Easter brunch.) I understand every buyer's taste is different. What is considered "needing work" by one buyer could be a palace to another. I am not sure I want to roll the dice, put in new everything and then find out the buyer didn't want my renovations anyway.

As it stands now, Kirby is taking care of the wood rot and painting the exterior. Carolsue is cleaning the interior. I asked Kirby to get me a quote on a few other items, just in case I decide I need to do more. I also have James the Hell's Angels carpet installer on stand-by, just in case I need to put in new flooring as well. But I hope I won't need to.

Design By Committee

I am selling this house. It needs to be painted on the outside. The home is painted white and mauve-ish (around the windows and trim). I don't think it was originally mauve-ish, but time has faded the color considerably.  Kirby said "What color do you want to paint it?" That was the first it occurred to me I had to make a decision about such things. I am terrible at the whole design thing. I don't like making these kinds of decisions. It stresses me out. So I told him, whatever color will sell it works for me.

Carolsue gave me a pretty blue pallet she selected from somewhere. It was lovely but I have no idea if it will work. I sent it to Kirby and said "Something like this is fine if you think it is fine." Hopefully he doesn't decide neon green works better. 

Kindred Spirits

So I got a note from Kirby, he says the tenant has moved out of my home. He has no idea what kind of condition the place is in but from the kitchen, "it looks fine." So, now the fun begins. He expects to have the keys this week.

Also, I reminded him I am a terrible seller. He said, "I know. But I am a terrible agent. I ignore sellers like you."

Buyer Wanted

We are entering a new phase in the o'le accidental business. I am selling a house. This isn't like the short-sale selling, where the bank played games. Nor is it like the house in Leeds I have tried selling for years to an underwhelmed audience. Nope. I am really putting a house on the market. Sadly, I doubt I will make anything. In fact, I really don't want to sell it. The house cash flows. The tenant is questionable but clean. However, our lawyer has strongly advised us--and the bank who has the mortgage (and another home in foreclosure) is threatening us. So, we are selling.

Last I heard the tenant hadn't moved out just yet. I am so not surprised by this. Her sense of entitlement was high last winter when I suggested she get caught up on her rent or be evicted. I also know she had been asking to buy the house from me. That would have been just ducky on my part but the property management company seemed allergic to representing me in a sale. So, at this very moment, she isn't buying the house. I am going with the optimistic outlook that she really will be gone by the end of the month.

Who will be representing me in this sale, as of April 1 when the house is (hopefully) out of management is Kirby. For those of you who aren't in the loop, Kirby was my property manager for a long time. Then he wisely sold his company and pursued other lucrative adventures. Now he is my HVAC guy and realtor. He is also a quick text away when I need a referral Carolsue can't help me with.

This house--which is shaped like a barn, isn't in the worst neighborhood in the world. I would live there. And I guarantee there are houses I own I wouldn't live in. It will probably sit on the market for several months--despite being in (what I hope is) reasonable shape. Because that is what homes in Birmingham do. They sit for several months until an unsuspecting buyer comes along and makes a low-ball offer.

The house itself, has a lot to offer. It has a young roof. It has a six month old AC system. It is also a four bedroom, which is a rarity in the area. I expect to walk away when all is said and done paying off my loan and nothing else. The good news is I will have a great tax loss next year, because I am pretty much selling for what I owe, plus my expenses. That doesn't make me happy, but that is the free market. I bought at the wrong time.

The bad news is I am a terrible seller. Just like lawyers should never represent themselves and doctors should never diagnose themselves, real estate agents should never, ever, be sellers. We aren't good at it. Especially me.

Every showing that doesn't result in a sale is a personal rejection. With me way over here and Kirby way over there, I am sure I will want daily updates on what he is doing. Additionally, Kirby is one to sugar-coat. He and I have gone round and round about this for years: tell it like it is. It isn't a character flaw, it is a bad habit on his part (though he, being from the South, doesn't agree). And please add to the fact I am a somewhat high strung Type B, moderately uptight Type A wildly micromanaging Type A and Kirby is about as Type B as one can get and still be on this spectrum. He knows this about me. He is currently willing to work with me. Though perhaps as I write this post, he may be rethinking this.

The Hard-Hearted Landlord

A couple of weeks ago, Flunky sent me an e-mail saying there was water on the floor of my home in Alabaster. And, what should he do? There was no other information involved to help me make an informed decision, so I went with the obvious: "wipe it up." That netted me a glimmer more data, which was "there is water leaking on to the floor" and what should I--the landlord--do about it? The first thought that came to mind was find more competent people who could think for themselves, but I kept that to myself. When I suggested HIRING A PLUMBER, it was only then did Flunky admit the water in question was actually several days old and a result of rains from earlier in the week. When push came to shove, it turns out the back door's weather stripping had rotted.

Which bring me to yesterday's e-mail. Flunky wrote me to tell me the hardwood in that house is actually laminate. And now it is ruined by the back door. The tenant's "short term" solution was to put a small area rug down over it because the floor was coming up. The tenant is "terribly afraid" her son is going stub his toe. So Flunky wanted to know, wait for it..., what I was going to do about it?

The answer is nothing. I am going to do nothing. The tenant wasn't afraid of her son running in the water on the floor, slipping and cracking open his head. That sounds a heck of a lot scarier to me. Nor is the tenant concerned that perhaps she could have: 1) cleaned up the water immediately and prior to the floor getting into this condition or 2) letting Flunky know the weatherstripping had gone from under the door months ago.

The tenant is not loosing sleep about the fact the hardwood floors (yes, hardwood, they are not laminate any more than I am a size 2) are ruined and they extend seamlessly throughout the entire bottom floor. Granted, this happened by the dining area, so I can tile the kitchen and eating area to remedy the problem instead of putting brand new hardwood flooring in 1,500 square feet. The tenant isn't crying about that. Instead she is complaining her son may hurt his foot. And you know what, he might. She may want to watch him carefully.

I also told Flunky that this will be coming off the tenant's security deposit. She was negligent for not wiping up the water--or he was negligent for not taking care of the problem sooner. So, either the tenant or Flunky would be paying for this. I gave them a home with hardwoods in great condition. I expect to be given back a home with hardwood floors in great condition. I don't want tile. That's not what I paid for when I bought the home. So, figure it out.

There has already been behind the scenes stuff going on with this house long before I ever heard about the condition of the floor. Unaware of potential issues with the tenant's son's toes, I contacted Elsie earlier this week and told her come the beginning of May, let the tenant know I will not be renewing the lease. Instead, I will be selling the house. I have to. It belongs to the same bank as the home currently in foreclosure. So, I know the flooring will be fixed. But I am not doing it right now--just in case there is another water spill she can't be bothered to take care of.

The Invisible House

So, last week I sent Ms. Amy an e-mail telling her I was taking my vacant home out of their clutches. My reason to her was that there were issues with the home. Actually, my issues were with Ms. Amy's bizarrely weird behavior and the house. But that is for another blog that I must eventually write. Anyway, I heard nothing back.

By Friday I had sent Elsie, my new contact there (whom I have never once had any communication with from her at that point), a note. I let her know I had written Ms. Amy earlier in the week. I said that I wanted to make sure the home was taken out of management and off their books.

Instead of even acknowledging my e-mail, this past Monday, Elsie sent me a random e-mail saying that if Mrs. Martin hasn't moved out like she is supposed to, Elise would be happy to send out Late Rent notice. There is no reason to tell me this. Sending out a Late Rent notice should be automatic.

Please note. These two issues are not even remotely related. Mrs. Martin not paying rent has nothing to do with ANOTHER home being taken out of management. By the way, Mrs. Martin's home is also being taken out of management. But that is because I am selling it.

By Wednesday, I hadn't heard from Elise or Amy about my request to take the home out of management. I mean, there really isn't much to do but just reply with an "Ok," but I didn't even get that. And because it had been days since Flunky's emails had graced my specific area of cyber-space. I let him know that, as far as I was concerned, the home was officially out of management last week. Please stop the lawn service.

Today I heard from Flunky about something completely blog-worthy and unrelated to my former e-mail. But once again, there was no mention of my vacant home.

Random Bama--The Disclaimer Edition

I got a cryptic e-mail from someone at my property management company last Friday. It said "I have reason to believe" Mrs. Martin moved out in the middle of the night. She ended it with, "But don't quote me on that." Not a problem. I don't know who this person who wrote me is anyway.

By the way, I do have reason to believe the tenant is still there. You may quote me on that.

____________________________________________

It is tax season. For those of you who don't own an accidental business or two, you probably don't completely understand the significance of this. Essentially, Bliz, my bookkeeper, wonderful friend of 20+++ years and terrific travel companion handles our companies' financial statements, which I then give to Diamond Jim so he can figure out what the IRS gets from me.

This past week Bliz has been sending me e-mails and texts along the lines of, "There was a deposit on July 8th for $1437.28. Do you know what it is for?" I am answering as promptly as possible with my best guess. Hopefully I am close to correct. Because Uncle Sam gets a bit persnickety when I am wrong.

____________________________________________

And finally, it occurred to me that I may sound pissy about the property management company, especially Flunky. Truth be told, I am pissy about them, especially Flunky. They may be the best property management Birmingham has to offer, but they have slid way down the hill from wonderful. For the most part I am polite and professional to them. Even when I don't want to be.  I leave most of my sarcasm for this blog instead.

I thought you should know, I really am a nice person. Most of the time.

Agent Purgatory

If you are one of the three people who read this blog and know who I am, you have found this site one of two ways:

1. I have sent you the link
2. You have stalked me, figured it out and have nothing better to do

If you are my other reader and just follow along because you happen to enjoy my train wreck, well, hello. Welcome. I am pleased you are here. You increased my readership by 25 percent. My ego and I thank you.

But, back to the three of you I know. Disclaimer: There is a good chance I have helped you in some capacity rent out a home or find a rental home. Please understand, this post isn't about you. I know you. I like you (otherwise I wouldn't have given you the link for this site). 

If you fall into category number 2, I probably have also helped you find a rental home, rented out your home or you have been a current or past tenant. This post probably is about you.

So, lately I have managed to get back into finding rental homes for folks. This disturbing trend started in December when someone on a Facebook forum asked "does anyone know how to rent a house?" She just happened to post this on the one day in December I was on Facebook. And, silly me, I responded.

To give you a quick backstory, currently rental homes in the Phoenix are are going sight unseen. There are multiple applications for even the most junked out rentals. If a home is on the multiple listing for more than two days, there is either a good chance it is missing roof or a busy property manager hasn't had time to change the listing in the MLS because he or she is busy answering 5000 phone calls from potential tenants and real estate agents asking if their listed home is available. Even properties in the outskirts of town, like Florence AZ, are going sight unseen for absurd prices.

I surmise the reason for this is because investors bought properties around 2009-2010 for seriously low prices, and sold in the past two years, doubling their investment. Good for them. I am pleased. I probably helped some of those investors buy or sell. However, when they sold, they left me and every other crazy agent out there scrambling to find rental properties for the soon-to-be-homeless.

The good part of this trend is rents are going up. People who can afford to pay $1500 a month for rent, are finding out (from me) that they may want to consider buying instead. It will net them a cheaper payment and there are more homes for sale right now than for rent. And frankly, I prefer buyers over renters.

But back to my tenant tales. So, I responded to the woman on Facebook who never rented a home before. And voila! I got a client. Unfortunately, she ended up renting a home without me showing it to her (she didn't look at it at all, actually) so I didn't get paid.

The woman in question could afford $850 a month and had a FICO score lower than my post-foreclosure score. So, she wasn't exactly a landlord's dream. But somehow she decided I was a rock star and has referred me to all of her other friends who can afford $850 a month and have crummy credit. And apparently she knows a lot of these folks. And they are all calling me. Please don't consider me ungrateful. I am pleased to have the work. My son, who just happens to have a healthy grocery addiction, is also grateful. I am showing these potential tenants homes, and selling them as the greatest folks ever to owners just to have them repeatedly rejected. This is a scary pattern that probably will continue in the near future.

I always have a script I say before I take out a tenant to show rentals. I ask the basics, how many people living in the home? Pets? Do they want a pool? What is their budget? Where do they want to live (they always say $900 a month in Gilbert or Scottsdale, which is thoroughly unrealistic). Then, from years of experience I ask the following: Do you make three times the rent? Do you have any evictions, convictions or bruised credit that we will need to sell a landlord on? I always explain we need to be proactive in this market. And then I explain the market conditions.

In the past two weeks I have managed to have some interesting folks. In addition to the ones the Facebook woman has sent me, I have had the guy who admitted to me after I drove all over Creation that he told me a teensy lie. He really only made one and a half times the rent. And would an owner mind this? And by the way, he insisted on hardwood floors.

Today I got a call from a guy who wants to see a specific home on Friday of this week. When I explained the home wouldn't be there by Friday, and if he wanted to see it, I was available today, he got pissy and accused me of "pressuring" him. By the way, the home got three applications on it between the time he called and the time I left work. Also, as a point of interest, I had him on speaker phone at the office. When I asked about the credit/convictions/evictions, he hesitated, stuttered and didn't answer. Everyone in earshot caught it.

Last week I had the couple who had great credit, answered negatively to the eviction and conviction question. I thought for sure they were a shoe-in, as they were the only application that came in on a Tempe town home at the time. The owner passed on them because the couple seemed to completely forget they both had felony DUIs.

Oh, but that's not all they forgot to mention. One had a paraphernalia charge. The other had a possession charge. When I explained to them the owner felt they had a lot of history and he was uncomfortable renting to them, my (now former) client texted me the following, "I fail to see how this is 'A LOT of history'!!!! It is just four convictions!"

But this call today pretty much tops them all. A gentleman called me today. He wanted to live either on the very Southeast side of the Phoenix area or the very Northern side. There is a 70 mile span between the two. When I gave him my spiel, he replied, "Well, 19 years ago, I was convicted of murder. But it was only once and it was an accident." I will let some other frantic real estate agent try to help him find a rental.

The Antics of A Passive Aggressive Property Management Maintenance Manager

I want to give up my fabulous life and become a maintenance flunky for a property management company. Why? Because all I would have to do all day is write e-mails. I wouldn't have to think--I promise, that is definitely not part of the job description. And, if I felt the need (and I often do) I could be totally passive aggressive and feign ignorance.

Example A:

Last week I got a work order for my home in Alabaster: Flunky sent me the following: "Water is leaking and the wood is wet. It is getting worse" Flunky wanted to know what I wanted to do about it.

I have exhaustively covered the topic of giving me enough of the scope of work so I know what is going on with him. I give up. He just isn't going to do that. I originally thought it was personal. Now I think he is just stupid.

My first response was, "Call a plumber," because when I see "water leaking," that's exactly where my brain goes.

Flunky wrote back and finally told me that water was leaking from under the back door because it had rained and the hardwood floors were wet.

Me: "Is it still raining?"

Flunky: "No it stopped raining three days ago."

Me: "Why are the floors still wet? Does the tenant not own a towel?"

I was missing something in this, because it seemed 100% obvious to me that any idiot would see if this were what was being portrayed to me, that the weather stripping needed to be replaced.  And it did. However, it took six hours of e-mails and four voice mails to find this out. As I have explained numerous times, I am not In Alabama. I don't have a background in house maintenance. Why should I have to say, "Well then, fix the weather stripping." But I had to.

Example B:

The folks in Moody--who swear every year they will be moving out--want to replace the floor in one of the bedrooms. I am ok with that. I even agreed to reimburse them.

So, Flunky sends me an e-mail yesterday saying the tenant is waiting for a check to buy supplies and when will I send it?

Let me get this straight: the work hasn't been done and I am supposed to send them money randomly?

Instead, I wrote, "Let them take it off the rent when they provide you with a receipt."

Situation managed, right?

Dear Lord, this man will not go away. He responded, "That's not how we do it here."

How the hell should I know the policies of his company? I don't work there. But I do know I am not writing a check and mailing it to these tenants in hopes they will spend it on the floor. Because if they blow it on a birthday party for their kid, I just financed that.

I once again wrote back: "Ok, find out how your company handles this. Inspect the work when it is done and either cut them a check out of the rent or send me pictures of completed, inspected work and I will cut them a check."

Marty Sunshine asked me to take out the final part which was, "Please stop making me do your job. Try thinking for yourself for a change."

But in both cases we are talking about fixes under $150 (hopefully much less than that for weather stripping). We are also talking about a day's worth of back and forth nebulous emails. Or, if I call, I get some sort of runaround with him--if he bothers to answer the phone at all.

If I had never had experience with property management companies before, I might find this normal. However, I have had multiple experiences with property management companies in two states. This is not how business is done. Maintenance in a property management company is normally done by competent people who realize the owner doesn't want to be bothered or spend an entire day managing a situation they employ others to manage. I mean, I can understand if it is a roof, or something of a major caliber, but these are easy fixes.

And, in case you think there is actually work involved in this man's job beyond the scope of what I am suggesting:

Example C:

Flunky sent me an e-mail a few weeks ago: "When was the house in Pinson foreclosed?"

I saw no reason why this was his business. He did not give any indication as to why he needed to know. Was he settling a bet? Was he closing out his books for the year?

And because I don't feel he needed a major explanation, I promptly replied: "2015."

Flunky never got back to me asking me to clarify, so I figure he really was just finding a reason to send me an e-mail.

The Yankee

Carolsue once advised me to act like a "rich white Yankee bitch" if I wanted to garner any respect in Birmingham. Because I wasn't Southern, this was the only way the Southern Men I have to deal with would notice me. At the time I thought it was a bit wacked, but as time has progressed, I am finding she is right.

Most of the time, common courtesy works just fine when I have to deal with those in the South. Just yesterday, I had a lovely conversation with Mr. 114, who always makes me smile. There were the usual "pleases," "thank yous," and his standard, "you betcha girl, I'm always happy to help you," which always goes far with me. And, for you feminists out there, in this case, Mr. 114 means "girl" here as a term of endearment.

Unfortunately, Carolsue is right about the rich white Yankee bitch thing when it comes to Flunky. Flunky is a southern redneck who has no use for me. He looks like--and I am not making this up--the comic book store character from The Simpsons. He acts like Napoleon. Except when he talks to Marty Sunshine. To Marty Sunshine he says things like, "Yes Sir," and "Mr. Landlord, I am happy to help you," and all sorts of other things that make me pull my hair out.

Flunky and I are having a difference of opinions on a few items. Recently, he suggested that it really is too much to ask for a tenant to maintain the yard. He and I already had this conversation a dozen times, and I had gotten nowhere with the, "bless your heart. Yes tenants can maintain a yard." So, I tried Carolsue's approach. After going back and forth with him yesterday about this particular issue, I finally wrote:

"It is reasonable to expect ANY tenant--regardless of whether or not the Third Reich HOA is managing the neighborhood or not--to maintain their yard. So, yes, the tenant can throw down grass seed. They signed up for a home with a yard. They have a yard. They maintain it. Just like they signed up to have a home with a kitchen, they get to clean the kitchen. If they didn't want a yard, they should have an apartment. And if they wish to move because it is too much of a burden, they may move and be in violation of their lease. I promise grass seed costs much less than legal action. Or, if it is too much of a burden for you to convey this to them, let me know and I will do your job."

And what do you know? This time Flunky got the message.  

HOA-SS

A long, long time ago we bought an investment home in the small bedroom community of Calera, nestled half way between Montgomery and Birmingham. To be fair, we bought two homes there. But the one in question is on Hysteria Lane--which is living up to its name.

Again.

For the past several years, this community existed quite nicely. I never had too much trouble keeping the place rented. I had a few weird experiences, like the time the tenant's kid thought he was sexting his girlfriend, but instead it was going to my Alabama phone line. And he didn't believe me at first when I said he was sending these solicitations to his mother's landlord. But, that was years past.

Anyway, apparently some homeowners in the vicinity got it in their heads that this neighborhood would be better served if it was under the guidance of a home owner's association. Because that is what makes the neighborhood valuable. Right? "Value" doesn't come from desirability and personal responsibility. Never! (By the way, my most "valuable" home in Alabama doesn't have an HOA.) Sadly, because I wasn't there, I didn't get to say, "NO!" I am stuck with an HOA. Albeit, a stupid HOA.

To be fair, the other house in Calera has had an HOA from day one (they have a community pool--which strikes me as a legitimate reason for an HOA), and all they do is ask me to pay their fees once a year and leave me alone. The HOA for Hysteria Lane has only been around since October and I am already sick of them.

The biggest issue I am having with them is that they keep telling me I have "weeds" in my yard. However, the four nasty-grams I have gotten from them are a bit nondescript when it comes to "weeds." I know for a fact, that one time when I got the compliance letter, the front yard was under four inches of snow,

This latest letter is threatening "Attorney Action" and is telling me once again, there are weeds. Now, you think I would employ a property management company to help me out with these kind of issues. Unfortunately, Flunky is my contact at the property management company for such things. And, he is a bit worthless. For one thing, he sent me pictures showing me how his yard company went out to the home and mowed it. Nope, not a weed. But I am not sure what they mowed, because the spring grass hasn't come in. Hopefully the tenant didn't pay dearly for that. However, another picture he sent me from that batch was of the tenant's junk lined up on the side of the home. The HOA isn't complaining about that. Yet. But I am. And I am sure the HOA will notice it soon.

When I discussed this matter via e-mail with Flunky yesterday, he said, "Is the HOA suggesting the tenant put down grass and maintain it, because I am not sure the tenants will agree to that." My reply was, "Then the tenant can move. Because if they can't afford a bag of grass seed, they certainly can't afford the rent."

When I called the HOA today I spoke with someone who swears she personally drives by and sees the weeds herself. I asked her how that was possible when one of the violation notices was on the day after the first snowfall of the year. She didn't have a reply. I then asked her if she could point out the weeds to the tenant, because we are all kind of befuddled. I also pointed out if they keep sending these nasty-grams, the tenant will move out. Nobody will want to rent the house and that won't help the value either.

I would like to say the conversation stayed professional. But my conscience is clear: I didn't start it. But I did ask if it was her company's policy to mimic the Third Reich, though I am pretty sure she didn't know what that meant.

Where it is left now is she is going to go by herself, take a picture of the weeds and send them to me so we can all verify there are such things growing in this yard. Meanwhile, I am going to e-mail Flunky and tell him to have the tenants move their crap from the side yard before the HOA-SS shows up.

If A Tree Falls In Moody Who Hears About It?

I haven't given the home in Moody the appropriate attention it deserves here on the ol' blog of late. After years of writing about Mr. Smith (who still lives directly across the street) and Ms. Kathy whose sister lives directly next door (I don't know if Ms. Kathy lives with her or just visits her on a daily basis), I have kind of wanted to put this house into the recesses of my mind and just go on with my life.

But I want a lot of things that I want aren't happening these days.

The house in Moody is a three bedroom, one bath, 1,100 square foot home. The yard is about a half acre, probably bigger. Though this house is tiny with one bathroom, I have never had trouble renting this place out. The schools, I hear, in Moody are fantastic and people line up to live in this redneck dump charming village.*

To give you an idea of how charming Moody is, you have to drive past the--and I am not making this up--tombstone rental store on the way to the town center. The neighborhood where this home is located is behind the police department. The same police station that was flattened after a series of tornadoes went through a few years ago. However, this car is still in the parking lot.

Anyway, the house in Moody has been the source of a lot of consternation lately. First, a tree fell. A very tall tree. I am told it was in the back yard, but for the life of me, I cannot remember a tree in the back yard of this house. Fortunately, the only damage done by the tree was to the tree itself and to the 3 foot high chain link fence that (of course) separated my yard and the yard of Ms. Kathy's sister's house.

I found out about this because Flunky e-mailed me hours after this incident asking what he was supposed to do. His e-mail once again demonstrated that the years of charm school his mother invested into him were a complete waste. In all fairness, he did not know the fence in question was the one between my home and Ms. Kathy's sister, but that is still no reason to be obnoxious.

According to Flunky, the neighbor (who knows darn well who I am) was all up in arms about this. She was threatening all sorts of legal things if the "owner didn't fix it right away". This of course was a huge bluff because 1) I am not quite sure how much fixing is needed. It seems like cutting the wood, straightening out the fence and getting on with our lives would suffice, and 2) I doubt she can find a lawyer who will take on the great "a tree fell on my fence and I am devastated" case or afford the retainer for the one attorney in the greater Birmingham metropolitan area who would agree to this. But, that's just me.


*Now to be fair, Leeds is just across I-20 from Moody (think of it like a sister city) and there are many adjectives I would use to describe Leeds, and none of them would be "charming village."

Victory-ish

Well, I passed. I would like to tell you with flying colors or some sort of other platitude, but I can't for two reasons:

1. I don't know my score. The testing center doesn't provide that.

2. The test was as much of a nightmare as last Tuesday's test, except the questions were different and the situations were trickier.

The test was truly, either one knew what they were doing, or they didn't. I guess I know what I am doing. ("You are holding an open house for a listing through your brokerage for another salesperson and a potential buyer comes in and asks you for details about the home, neighborhood and pricing. Your agency is now: an ostensible agent to the seller only, an implied agent to the buyer, a dual agent, or you are not providing any agency." By the way, the answer is dual agent.).

Now that the major component of getting my broker's license is out of the way, I have other tasks to accomplish. First, I don't have my broker's license. I still have to take three more classes--and I cannot stress how little desire I have to sit in a classroom right now. I also have to wait for my criminal clearance card to the State of Arizona to be processed and returned to me. Given I sent my fingerprints in two weeks ago and as of yesterday the check wasn't cashed, I am guessing I have time. Once the criminal clearance comes back, I then submit a bunch of paperwork to the Arizona Department of Real Estate and write them a big fat check.

In the meantime, I can work on our under-capitalized Alabama issues, get around to writing of the joys I am dealing with over in that neck of the woods (and there weird stories) and possibly--but I am not promising anything--do a load of laundry.

Testing Update

First, Thank you for your comment Jeanne.

I passed the school test. It was 400 questions. The first 200 (TWO HUNDRED!) were like this:

"You purchased an improved quarter of a quarter section 15 years ago with a commercial structure with a current assessed value of $374,000 per $100 at $2.43 mil and have been renting it out for five years with $45000 in monthly expenses. What would you need to sell the building for to receive a 25% profit, after depreciation? What are the current taxes? What is the gross rent multiplier? What is the current cap rate, given no vacancies or credit? What is your acreage and how big is the structure given 37% for setbacks and easements? And how much wood, did the woodchuck chuck when its train left the station heading North at 4 p.m. New Zealand time?

It took me three and a half hours (of the five granted to me) to finish those questions.

The other test was two hundred law questions, which seemed like trivia questions by the time I got around to answering them.

I passed those tests, by the way.

Today I take the state test. It is also four hundred questions. These tests are broken into "Arizona-specific" and "national-specific" questions. I am told today's tests are "entirely different." I noticed nobody said "easier." All I am hoping at this point is there are no more train questions.

It Wasn't Meant To Be

Luigi replied to my e-mail.

The first response was something completely unrelated to the e-mail I forwarded, showing that his company lost out on instant money. Seriously: it was theirs to loose.

Figuring he just skimmed the exchange between Amy and I, I wrote him back, acknowledging his comment and then directed him to the part where I asked for the tenant to be offered the right to buy the home (which she has been asking to purchase for more than a year).

His response: "Oh, ok."

Meanwhile, I contacted Kirby. We both got a laugh out of this and he said he would have "killed" one of his agents who walked away from an instant commission. It looks like the listing will be his.

If I Had Done This Where I Work, I Would Have Been Fired

I would like to tell you I make this stuff up. But, I can't.

So, Mrs. Martin's lease is up at the end of March. I am not renewing it for a myriad of reasons, including the mortgage is owned by the same bank that is foreclosing on another property. They have threatened to attach a lien to one of our homes for the foreclosure. They can only do that if the mortgage is with them.

We bought at the wrong time. We are selling at a time undesirable for us. The home has a two and a half year old roof and a 6 month old HVAC system. The tenant is clean. I would like to tell you she pays on time but, no. I would have let her stay, despite being late, because she didn't want to move and I didn't want to deal with an empty house. But even if she did leave, the house rents easily and I make a profit.

Anyway, because I have to sell the house, it certainly would be ideal to sell it to the tenant. At least that's my line of thinking. And, it would save me some extra fees because I would only have to pay the property management company for their portion (3%). My contract with the property management company is set up so they can sell the house to the tenant if I so desire. And, until about 10 a.m. today, I desired.

I sent an e-mail to Ms. Amy. She works at the property management company. I like her well enough and find her to be responsive when I call. I am told I have an official contact at the office, but that person--who is in charge of managing a gazillion minus two homes--has never once contacted me. So, currently Ms. Amy is my only contact and for the past few weeks she is my current source of stress. But, that is for another, completely unrelated blog.

Back to this nonsense. So, I wrote an e-mail to Ms. Amy and asked her to forward it to the tenant. I offered the home to the tenant for sale at a complete fire-sale price, even if I add in what I would owe the property management company.  I said I would like the sale to be completed by April 15 and we can part friends. For this to happen she would need to provide a prequalification letter no later than Feb. 29, 2016 and at that time Legal Owl or a representative from the property management company would write up the agreement. I also put in the e-mail if she wanted representation, I would not pay for it. But, if she wasn't interested in buying, then she needed to get her stuff out by the end of next month.

After I sent this e-mail I heard nothing back. I e-mailed Ms. Amy, who gave me some weird song and dance about how someone else is handling this particular tenant. But didn't answer my question: was my offer delivered to the tenant? I sent a second e-mail to Ms. Amy. This time she wrote me back. She said as a licensed real estate agent I should know better than to "work around" the property management company I am contracted with. So, no. She did not offer it for sale.

Let's get this straight: I have the tenant's email address and phone number. Heck, I even have the tenant's physical address. If I were going to "work around" the property management company, I WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED THE PROPERTY MANAGEMENT COMPANY TO OFFER THE HOME FOR SALE TO THE TENANT ON MY BEHALF.

Instead of pointing out the logic to Ms. Amy, bless her heart, I just told her I would be taking the home out of management April 1st or whenever the tenant moved out. Which ever came first. I would have a representative pick up the keys. And then I turned around and sent my conversation with Ms. Amy to Luigi--so he can see what his employees are doing. All I wrote was, "For the record, I gave your company first rights to sell this house."

A Random Posting from a Very Tired Student

So, I have spent the weekend studying for my broker's test. And at this point, I am confident I can pass the owner financing and property management section of the test (which happen to make up the two major components of we somewhat unsuccessfully did in Birmingham). My knowledge of everything else on the test is still questionable, though Marty Sunshine assures me I will be fine.

Studying has reminded me of a lot of Accidental Business aspects I have chosen to bury. Like how Jack and Late Attorney Jon approached us in 2007 about starting a Real Investment Trust and offered to bring in investors, using my business model and other people's money. They liked what I had to offer. They knew people who also liked what they heard about my accidental business. In fact, they had already been pitching the idea on our behalf long before they came to me.

Late Attorney Jon also got me in front of an SEC attorney in early 2008 so I could sell my idea and start the ball rolling. The attorneys bought off and were willing to work with us. All they needed in January of 2008 was commitment from us that we were ready to go forward. Then, the Birmingham economy crashed. That crash actually happened about four months before the rest of the country. But the distraction of our business model crashing, and the ensuing blog fodder from that experience meant we never went forward.

Oddly enough, though our business model was considered (by some) as "genius" at the time. It would now be considered felonious, because of the implementation of the Dodd-Frank Act in 2009. Everything has a purpose. And a season.

Polly and I were talking the other day and I said the biggest mistake I feel we made in our accidental business was not having a Plan B. Yes, we had an exit strategy. We just didn't have a secondary exit strategy. That's what we really needed. If nothing else, if I ever do anything along these lines again (IF) I will be wiser. And I will have a back up plan, a secondary back up plan and a tertiary back up plan.

Tuesday I take the school portion of my broker's test. It is five hours. It is broken down into two, 200 question tests that encompasses real estate law and real estate financing (not to be confused with the "owner financing" section I know with my eyes closed). Provided I pass, I will then, as some undisclosed date in time, take the state test, which is also comprised of two 200 question tests: a national portion and an Arizona specific portion.

What am I going to do with my new-found broker's license (provided I get that far)? I have no earthly clue. More or less, at this point I am just crossing it off my bucket list. I will then go on to my least-favorite activity this time of year: taxes. After taxes are done, maybe I will clean the house and move on with my life. But right now, that seems very far away.

My Short Fuse

Someone broke into my vacant home Sunday and stole the fuses. yep. The fuses. And--because nothing is ever simple or inexpensive--these are special fuses that can only be summoned by a Tibetan shaman who needs to sacrifice a black Nubian goat on a stone altar in the back yard of my home on the third full moon of the fourth month that ends with a G.

So yea, I'm sending out an electrician to replace some damn fuses. The best price I got was from a guy named Buster for about $150. For fuses. 

I am much more comfortable with Buster than I was with the other completely rational option I was considering: getting on an airplane, flying over there, renting a car, running into to Lowes, buying the fuses, screwing them into the fuse box and flying back--which was sounding like a completely reasonable course of action around 1 p.m. today. But that was before I found my new pal, Buster. 

And, lest you think $150 is ridiculous price to replace these stupid things (who, I ask you, steals fuses??), I found much higher prices. Including from Flunky, who's price was somewhere close to Rwanda's GNP. Is there any wonder I never use my property management company to fix the most basic of items? 

But the most irritating part of this entire ordeal isn't necessarily that I have to buy fuses. Instead, what annoys me the most is that I had to spend way too much time on finding the "best price" for fuse installation. Because there should never be a "best price" for this kind of nonsense. 

An Open Letter To The Bank Employees

Dear People Who Are Employed By the Bank,

It appears you are a bit upset with us. That is understandable. We have an obligation to pay and we aren't doing it. That has happened to me, and it frustrates me beyond belief too. Though I am the first to admit this isn't our finest hour, I am astonished that you--bank employees--are taking this way too personally. After all, if it wasn't for your policies, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Granted, we only have one other foreclosure to compare this experience to. It wasn't exactly a walk in the park, but for the most part, everyone Marty and I willingly spoke with during that experience was professional and kept it business-like. Granted, the folks from the call center in India who called me three times a day weren't as professional, but I give them a pass for two reasons: 1) I was usually a bitch if they interrupted something I was doing or when they got to the part of the phone call where they insisted they wanted me to state my social security number and 2) they aren't asset managers, but instead are sitting in some crowded room somewhere trying to collect on a debt.

Now then, you, People at the Bank, are a bit different. You have always treated this transaction as if it were an assault on your handicapped child. It is almost like Marty and I have personally offended you by defaulting on this loan. I have been asked by you folks, "Why would you do this when you have money?" Check my bank account. I don't have the money.

Oh wait! You did check my bank accounts. Several times, may I add. As you may remember, you asked for my bank accounts records many times after you called this loan due in September of 2014. At the time, we asked you to reconsider and cheerfully provided you with every piece of documentation you asked for in a timely manner. We did this repeatedly. Because you asked repeatedly. And what did you do? You asked for more.

Then you asked for obscure items, like access to my daughter's bank account information. At that point, we said no. Other people than us have bank accounts. You aren't asking for their accounts. And by the way, my daughter doesn't have a stellar bank balance either. You would have been disappointed. By the way, the reason our bank balances aren't anything to write home about is that we truly spent everything we could keeping this business afloat.

Essentially, the way we see it is simply: we wouldn't be in this situation had you not called the loan due for no reason. And, more importantly if you had worked with us when we were willing to work with you this would never had happened. So, cooperation a year ago--when I had a paying tenant in place--would have been a true win-win.

But when this started, that wasn't the only example of your unprofessionalism. Some "committee" you have, rejected five full-price offers in a short sale. You may also remember we asked for a deed in lieu of foreclosure, making sure we could speed the process up, and one of you--bank employees--even wrote me back and said, "to be honest, I don't know how to do that."

When we finally got a letter from your company's attorney, we called that attorney and pled our case: the bank, your client, called the loan due, if they hadn't, nothing would have changed and we would have been paying on time. Since then our long-term tenant moved out and we saw no reason to put money into the home to make it rent-ready, when this time last year, we were being repeatedly told the likelihood of modification was minimal.

We also explained to the attorney, that some committee at the bank agreed to a short sale. Then reneged. They then refused to do a deed in lieu because they "don't know how." And now here we are. Your attorney was baffled when she heard this. She asked if we were "sure" we understood correctly. Yes we were sure. And she was even more baffled when she found out we weren't making it up.

And then, there was silence. Every month or so, Marty would call and ask what was going on with the foreclosure. We would be told "we will call you soon." And then there was no call. Again. Finally after we informed you, bank employees, that we did not have the money to pay the property taxes, you became motivated.

After all of that nonsense, there has been a significant amount of silence from you folks. Having nothing better to do, and realizing there might be a chance of vandalism, squatters and who-knows-what-else going on Marty called you this week. And when you spoke to Marty, for whatever reason, you bank employees, were angry--as if we did this to you, not your organization. You snarkly threatened Marty with wage garnishment. You threatened to tack a lien on to another one of our properties. You said a lot of things, I double-dog-dare you to put in writing so that I may show my attorney. You even told us if we just, "gave you the keys" you could "save us some money." Are you kidding? Let's face it, I don't think there is any "saving us some money" at this point. Besides, we have been offering to give you keys for the past 10 months.

What would be ideal is you just hurry up the foreclosure process. Nail our credit and send us ugly letters. I know this isn't over. I am weirdly at peace about this. But for some reason, Bank Employees, your underwear is in bunches over our default. Let it go. We are.