Bittersweet

I got clarification on the new Maintenance hierarchy at the property management company. Flunky has been demoted to "Owner Coordinator" which means I still have to deal with him.

Fabio--whom Carolsue tells me is "totally hot"--is the new Maintenance Manager. His job is two-fold: he is to negotiate the best prices on the work and he is to do quality control over the vendors to make sure the work is done properly.

The Landlord Who Stole Christmas

To be quite honest, my hissy fit at the property management company last Friday was a consciously timed decision. My thought was pay up give 30 day move notices, which would put the offending deadbeats on the street (or probably moving) right before Christmas. And in my passive-aggressive Aries head, I was perfectly fine with this arrangement.

I should also state, that Willy, who is my main contact at the property management company, is not the person who has been collecting the rents, but then again, nobody has. But really, but in this case it is not Willy's department that deals with rent collection. So, my scathing conversation with him last week should have been at someone else--though I'm not sure who. Meanwhile, I have now been passed to Ms. Amy. I suspect I was passed to her because, either she was the one taking the partial payments, she drew the short straw or she felt brave enough to deal with me. Or all of the above. I have always liked Ms. Amy best at that company, so that works for me.

Back to my dilemma at hand. I have three tenants--all of them renting the three properties Marty Sunshine and I own without any partners--who seem to feel I am running a homeless shelter. In fact, they repeatedly pay late with no consequence. Of the three tenants, two of them are on month-to-month leases and can be given a 30 day notice at any time to haul their butts somewhere else, hence I waited until last week to stir up trouble.

My first stop in my tirade was to go after the the home (month to month) where the professional football player is living. I was pretty sure his girlfriend didn't want to move herself to an new home during his prime working season. By the way, she paid in full last Friday and has stated paying late will no longer be an issue. My tenant in Fultondale managed to pay a sizable payment this month, and their particular mortgage is the least expensive, so I will work on them in later.

However, Mrs. Martin (who is in a lease), has some zen payment schedule only known to her. Not only does she pay when she wants, she pays what she wants. For example, she was under the mistaken impression November's rent was only $150 and nothing else would be necessary for me to be a happy owner. If this were the first time she had played this game, I might have been sympathetic, but no. Frankly, Buckaroo turned 13 seven weeks ago and our weekly grocery bill has tripled since.

Anyway, Monday I found out Mrs. Martin got the message: pay up or leave. So, she wrote Ms. Amy an e-mail with a sob story. At the end of the very long list of excuses, she said she is more than happy to make payment arrangements by December 5 (a Saturday, mind you) and the rest--and I am not making this up--sometime "after Christmas." Ms. Amy asked if I was ok with this arrangement. Oh yes, lest I forget, Mrs. Martin also said the reason she is normally late is she gets her first paycheck of the month on the 16th. (I'm guessing the particular paycheck this month was only for $150.)

First, I was not ok with this arrangement. There was nothing in her e-mail that said she would pay by December 5, just that she would make arrangements. Second of all, there are a lot of days between "After Christmas 2015" and "After some random Christmas later in life."

After a bit of back and forth, here is what I finally agreed upon. She can pay the entire balance of what is owed to me in back rent by close of business December 4, 2015 (notice I added the year). I will not accept a penny less. Nor will I accept the payment on December 7, 2015 at 8:01 a.m. Legalowl is standing by and ready to evict and garnish her wages on December 7.

Additionally, she is not waiting until sometime after Christmas to pay December's rent. She is not going to go out and spend a bunch of money that is contractually owed to me on do-dads for her grandchildren and friends and then expect me to be understanding. No. She will have December's rent paid in full--along with late fees--by December 17. If she doesn't, please see the last sentence in the above paragraph.

I also told Ms. Amy, "From this point forward, rent will not be accepted if she pays after the fifth of any future month. Nor will it be accepted if it is one penny less than what she owes. No more deals. No more negotiating. This is her one and only chance. Merry Christmas to her."

This apparently was conveyed to Mrs. Martin (though I am sure Ms. Amy was a bit more polite). Mrs. Martin came back and said she would "break her back" to make sure rent was on time from now on. She didn't want to move.

This Just In

Luigi sent me an e-mail today. He is restructuring. AND Flunky the Asshat Maintenance Manager is no longer the Maintenance Manager. Not sure if he is still employed, but frankly anyone else has to be a vast improvement.

Not Sure They Are Calling Me "A Dream Owner" Anymore

Last Friday I got into a scathing argument with Willy at Luigi's office. My complaint is that he has let my tenants slide with making partial payments and there has been no consequence to the tenants so they continue to do so. His response was "perhaps we have differing opinions of what property managers do."

Perhaps we do. And I told him so. I also told him in my definition, a property manager has a fiduciary responsibility to protect their client's assets. Because the property manager works for the owner, not the tenant. At least that is the legal definition in 49 other states. I also wrote a lot of other things that included "I am not running a homeless shelter." And if truth be told, I yelled a lot of other things that it is probably a good thing Willy didn't hear through cyber space.

I also e-mailed Luigi saying that if I (again) have to manage my properties and, in this case, his staff, please just put me on the payroll. I would love to tell you that was well received. But no.

In fact, my comments were so poorly received that Willy the Coward started having another person in the office answer my e-mails. However, I did make headway. One tenant, who was told that she was facing immediate eviction if she didn't haul her butt down to the property management office immediately, actually paid up.

The other tenant--the worst offended--still thinks I am kidding apparently because she didn't do anything. Why would she? Willy hasn't stuck up for me this long. So, tomorrow it is a call to LegalOwl, letting her know to evict this chick. She can find another owner to screw over.

Done. Done. Done.

It appears there is administrative red tape for our deed in lieu of foreclosure.

Issue Number 1: "The appraiser can't access the property." I find this hard to believe for the following reasons:

1. The property management company has been more than willing to give out the keys, but nobody has come by.

2. There is a lock box on the property and I have given out the code to everyone East of the Mississippi who wants it (1966 if you care).

3. The house is missing the garage door.

4. The house is missing almost every window.

I am certain between reasons 1 and 4, someone can find their way into this house if they really want to go in it.

Issue Number 2:

Some lawyer somewhere wants a signed statement from our former partners saying they agree to this foreclosure. Good luck with that. They haven't been our partners since 2007. They may or may not be living in this country. If not, they are in Asia somewhere. In order for them to sign (and notarize) they would have to find an American Consulate. And the letter would have to be back before close of business next Wednesday. Yeah, that's not happening.

Because of these issues, our deed in lieu has become a judicial foreclosure. At this point, I just don't care.

I'm Thinking Serial Killers Need Not Apply

It is rental season around here. Yes, I am up to my armpits in showing rentals this week. The 13 year old is perpetually hungry, so rentals it is. Anyway, I was looking for a rental for a client of mine. In the private realtor remarks I found the following qualifications the owner would accept.

"For a more smooth application process: Be sure to have client prepared with proof of income (Bank statements or pay stubs) and letters from previous landlords *** Please make sure that your clients have MINIMUM credit scores of 550, make Minimum 2.5x monthly rent, no evictions in the past 7 years, and a minimal criminal history." 

Yes. Really.

And speaking of ways not to rent a home...

Please don't call me, wanting to rent a home and then disclose you are self employed. When I inquire what kind of business you say "growing herbs."

No. No. No.

How Not To Rent A Home

It's been a while since I covered this particular topic, but apparently it bears repeating. Unfortunately, the people who need to hear it the most don't read this blog.

If you are looking for a rental property, it is in your best interest to make a positive first impression. When I show homes, I coach prospective tenants on this. It is amazing how many of them need a quick charm-school lesson. But, that is for another blog.

Currently, I have two rental homes listed for rent for Arizona clients. They are--and I am not making this up--80 miles apart and still in the same county. Both homes are fantastic and have a lot of pluses, especially as far as rentals go. Both owners are requiring the same from prospective tenants: no evictions, no felonies, must currently earn three times the monthly rent and finally, no pets.

Let me repeat that last part: no pets. Frankly--as much as I like animals--I don't see why any landlord would allow pets. Ever. I also know there may come a time sooner than later where I have to rent and my cat comes with me. Hopefully, I can find the one landlord who will be so gracious as to make an exception. But it won't be my two clients. And I don't blame them a bit. And for that matter, I don't allow pets in my rental homes either.

That said, the number of calls and e-mails I get daily is increasing as I get closer to the middle of the month. "Will you allow section 8" (That was for the 3,500 square foot $1,900 rental I have in the West Valley). No. And your Section 8 voucher will only give you $1100.

"I have an eviction but it wasn't my fault?" Was your name on the lease? Then you have an eviction.

"My husband and I are both felons." Was it for drunk driving? "No." Let's see... the main types of felonies are drugs, crimes against people, crimes against property. If it wasn't for a DUI, it was probably for one of the three formerly mentioned. I understand you have done your time. But do your former (or current?) felon friends understand you have done your time and will they come looking for you in my client's home? For that matter, though you may have paid your debt to society, how do my clients know you have changed your lifestyle?

"Currently making three times the rent--gross" isn't really that crazy of a requirement. It is even for the the tenant's own protection. If they make that much, they can afford the house, if they don't, they will probably end up with an eviction on their record. I am floored at the number of folks calling me lately who can't multiply times three. I am even more floored at the number of unemployed folks calling me saying they don't have a job, but need somewhere to live and will the owner just give them a chance. I often give them the name of a few charities to help people in their situation until they get back on their feet. My owners have assets. They want them protected. They aren't running a homeless shelter.

And of course, back to the pets. "It is a little dog." "It is a sweet cat." yep. But they are still furry critters and the owners said no. "But if you would just ask....?" I asked. They said no to the last six people who have four legged family members. No.

While we are on the subject or prospective tenants, please don't call me at 8 a.m. on a Sunday, using big flowery words instead of the usual cultural vernacular. It tries my patience.

Today's call went like this:

"Would you be willing to take it upon yourself to allow us access into your rental at some time of mutual convenience so that we may ascertain whether or not it would be suitable habitation for us?" (barf).

Me: The owner is not allowing pets, felons, evictions and you must make three times the rent. Do you fit this criteria?

Tenant: Will the owner make an exception, as we have a charming American Bulldog.

Me: So, you have have a pitbull.

 In all fairness, the woman sort of gasped when I suggested no felons too. But either way, there wouldn't be a time of mutual convenience where they could see the house.

On the Fence

Today's ole' Blog is courtesy of our favorite Maintenance Manager who sent me photos of a repair he allegedly completed at my home in Alabaster. Apparently there was an issue with the fence leaning over a few weeks ago. I have heard nothing since and just figured someone would get to it when the tenant squawked loud enough.

And, because this week I once again ran to Luigi and offered my two cents about the level of service his company was offering, Flunky opted to be Flunky on the Spot. He apparently got sick of hearing the tenant squawk or decided to curry favor in my camp (who am I kidding) and send me a follow up e-mail about how the work has been completed, and please see the photos.

Is this "completed?" You decide.

To be fair, he sent me about five variations of this photo. This was the best of the bunch.

For some reason, he also sent me these two as well.

I did write back to Flunky (and CC Luigi) suggesting that surely he did more than just use my money to prop up the fence with two freestanding posts. These are the before photos, right? And if so, would he please send over the "after" pictures as well?  

And don't ask me about these last two pictures that he included. I recognize the one as the interior of my home in Alabaster (and I believe that is a rug that once belonged to the first tenant who lived there in 2006). And other seems to be a truck bed with various junk strewn about. 

I don't expect a response to my e-mail this weekend (or for that matter, at all). What I really hope Flunky is doing instead of responding is actually fixing the fence this time. 

Ooops He Did It Again

So, Flunky sent me a quote to make my vacant home rent-ready. The lovely quote for $3,700 included such items as "waxing the floors" and "removing the vine from the side of the home." When I saw the quote, I wrote the most polite and professional e-mail I could muster.

I asked Flunky if all the items on the list were necessary and could he please give me a bare-bones quote instead, because I know Mr. Partner will never agree to $3,700 (and neither would I). Now, you see what I did here? I allowed Flunky a chance to save face. Give me a better quote and we will both be happy.

But Flunky the Asshat Maintenance Manager didn't come by his name accidentally. Instead, Flunky wrote me back, telling me all of the items were indeed necessary to make the home rent-ready and if I knew a thing or two about property management, I would know not to question his superior intellect. Or, something to that affect.

Instead, I made two decisions. The first one was to find someone else to do the work. And what do you know! I found a quote for significantly less money. In fact, it is 60 percent less. Additionally, it is from someone I know and trust over in Birmingham.

The second item on my to-do list was to forward Flunky's e-mail to Luigi, explaining that once again, Flunky lost Luigi some money. After all, this is Luigi's maintenance company too. I explained the Flunky's quote seemed like fluffy-bunny stuff with a huge price tag. I said I am getting same work done for much less from an outside vendor. And, this was someone I knew and trusted, so it isn't like I just went to Craigslist and tried my luck on the first sober person who picked up the phone.

I understand everything has a cost and time isn't free. Flunky's time is valuable too and I am sure he doesn't want to spend hours figuring out what needs to be done only to have his price undercut. Nor do I appreciate spending hours on the phone having someone give me a better price. I have other things to do too and after all, that is why I hired a property management company to begin with. 

Truth be told, I don't want Flunky touching my houses. And it appears he doesn't want to work anyway. 

The Tale of Two Foreclosures (part 2)

Though the Pinson Foreclosure is going extraordinarily well, the same can't be said for the foreclosure in North Birmingham.

Ironically, this home would not be in foreclosure if the bank hadn't called the second mortgage due last year for no reason. The months we fought that, coupled with the tenant moving out, the property needing some TLC (which equates to an influx of cash we didn't have) to make it move-in ready, caused a snowball affect we just couldn't recover from. If only one of those items had happened: the second loan being called due or the tenant moving out, we probably would have fought our way back up.

This particular home has a first and second mortgage with the same bank. At the same time we decided to let this one go as well as the Pinson home, the mortgage company came to us and said, "We have agreed to modify your loan. Yay you."

Last April when I explained to the Asset Manager it was too little, too late, he gave me my options: have a short sale with the agent of our choosing or let the home go into foreclosure. He assured me a foreclosure was a very, very bad choice and I would be better off going the (cough-cough) short sale route. But it was my decision.

As we were talking that day last April, he told me he had just pulled up Marty Sunshine's credit and was shocked we were making the decision to let the home go. He explicitly implied (can one explicitly imply?) that we must have money somewhere and why don't we act like grow ups, suck it up and pay what we owe and keep the house. I told him we would if we could. And perhaps if his bank had not called the loan due, or even modified it months earlier instead of repeatedly asking for the same documents, we could have pulled it off. But by then, we were out of money. Our home was vacant and we did not have the capital to make it rent-ready.

Since then, the Asset Manager's name has been changed to the Bigoted Ass. Manager. Which, by the way, he is. Kirby was our agent for this short sale. The Bigoted Ass. Manager told me I should find one who understands the neighborhood better and "the kind of people" who would want a home like I had in "special neighborhoods."

Kirby worked his buns off and brought in four cash offers. The Bigoted Ass. Manager's imaginary committee said they would only consider one of the offers if Marty and I brought several thousand dollars more than our loan obligation to the table. They asked us to sign a promissory note--which I suppose we could have signed, but we didn't have the money to pay it anyway and didn't want to take on that debt.

We then asked to do a deed in lieu of foreclose. The Ass. Manager sent me an awe shucks e-mail saying we really didn't want to do that and gee whiz, he didn't know how to do one anyway. So, no.

At that point, Legal Owl told us to ignore the bank. They would eventually figure out we weren't paying. She also said to pay the taxes and insurance on the property, but I am not sure that's a good idea. We paid the insurance last July. In my opinion, the Bigoted Ass. Manager took that to mean we were playing games with the mortgage company. We were just trying to be responsible.

Last week we got a letter from some attorney who is representing the bank. The letter went on to state the bank is starting a judicial foreclosure process. It seems silly to me, but whatever. Marty Sunshine called the attorney and asked her if we could just do a deed in lieu of foreclosure. It would be faster and cheaper for all involved. After all, we are happy to cooperate and they can have keys at any time. The attorney agreed and asked who we had been working with at the bank. Marty cheerfully supplied the attorney with the Bigoted Ass. Manger's contact info.

The attorney called us back yesterday, absolutely floored. Not only would the Bigoted Ass. Manager not agree to any easy way to make this end, apparently this guy is trying to stick it to us. He told the attorney unless we agree to pay what we owe or sign a promissory note, they will just do a judicial foreclosure. She didn't say it seemed personal, but that is what was explicitly implied.

The Tale of Two Foreclosures (part 1)

The saga of the home in Pinson will soon be coming to an end. This charming three bedroom home is nestled in a small rural mountain area, situated on two acres. Though the porch spans the front of the home, after the main back yard, there just happens to be a little pond out yonder.

The idiot couple with the 640+ credit score who moved in last year trashed the place, skirted the law, didn't pay rent and stayed for a year. I finally got to see the place this past March. While the tenant was giving me some sob story about how awful her life was and how it was her boyfriend who caused all the damage, I was quickly calculating how much money I would have to bring in to fix the place. When I mentally hit $40k, I stopped counting, had a semi-serious panic attack and immediately went back to the car. I knew insurance would not give us anywhere near that amount to make the place habitable. We had drained our savings paying for homes deadbeats had ruined so that we could keep our credit intact.

Credit be damned. We couldn't do it any more. It wasn't a decision we entered into lightly, but we opted to stop paying the mortgage. We contacted mortgage folks and asked what we needed to do to give the home back as peacefully and as quickly as possible. Please! Just take it.

It is now six months later. I have worked with several people at the mortgage company, including a woman named "NayNay" who apparently only answered e-mails, not phone calls, and seemed to have a serious aversion to good punctuation and grammar. For the last couple of months, we have been working with Jonathan. He returns calls and e-mails and has been spot on with his assistance.

We also have a second mortgage on this particular home. Representatives call me twice every day. Seven days a week. These representatives aren't very nice. In fact, one even told me if I would just stop drinking Starbucks I could afford to pay the mortgage. Oh... if only I could afford Starbucks right now.

Even with the idiot representatives at the second mortgage company, this has been a relatively smooth process. In fact, if this was the only time in my life I was going into foreclosure, I would say the process was streamlined and everyone (sans the snarky folks from India who work for the second mortgage company) was professional and polite.

By the way, our foreclosure sale is November 30, just in case you want a sweet little home nestled in the mountains with a lovely view and a pond.

And, The Rest of the Story

Late last Tuesday night, fresh from the Bernice drama of last two days, I called Carolsue. After asking the property management company to drop everything and take care of me, Bernice had just blown me off. Though she has rented all of her life, she apparently wasn't expecting to part with a security deposit.  That Tuesday night, I was tired and frustrated. And, I just wanted to vent to someone about how much I absolutely hate being a potential landlord to crazy people. And more importantly, how did I screw up my karma so badly that crazies are attracted my way?

That's when Carolsue dropped this little nugget on me. While she was working on the steps at the house Monday (helping me get ready for Wednesday's rental), and while Flunky's crew was over there changing the locks, replacing the broken window and fixing the drywall in the bathroom, Bernice just happened to pop by. I guess she had nothing better to do with her entire afternoon except channel her inner contractor, because she walked around, overseeing the work, telling everyone how she was moving in two days later. She asked the crew if they would fix this? And would they take care of that? Thankfully, the crew told her that was up to the owner to decide. Hence, this explains why I was getting a ton of texts asking about maintenance from Bernice.

But, that's not all. Because Bernice was telling everyone how she moving in (she had neglected drive over to the property management company and fill out an application at this point, much less be approved), one member of Flunky's crew gave her a key to my freshly re-keyed home. Apparently he just figured she said she was moving in, it must be true. I am sure he was doing it as a favor to all involved and had the best of intentions.

However, when Carolsue told me this Tuesday night, I stroked out.

To put this in perspective: some chick who has to be out of her home by Wednesday now has a key to my house. What is to stop her from making up a fake lease and and just moving herself in? This was a potential nightmare (actually it was a true nightmare, because that is what I dreamed of that night). This scenario, happens more often then you think. Squatters are hard to get rid of. And with the Alabama court system so darn slow, getting rid of someone with a key and a fake lease could take a year--if she moved on her own. and frankly, with an open bankruptcy and an eviction, Bernice has nothing too loose. So, while I was on the phone with Carolsue, I was frantically e-mailing everyone in Luigi's organization whom I had an e-mail address, explaining the enormity of the situation.

Then, very early Wednesday morning Jeff from Luigi's office called. And when I re-iterated how a member of Flunky's crew illegally gave out a key to my home, Jeff said--and I am not making this up: "That's the craziest thing I ever heard."

I couldn't help myself. My filter was gone as I incredulously replied, "Seriously Jeff? You have been in property management for at least a year and that's the craziest thing you ever heard?"

That Tuesday

Tuesday came around, Bernice sauntered in to Luigi's office and happily filled out the application to rent my home. It was the quietest 15 minutes of my day. Because, as soon as she was done, she then continued to text me asking for all sorts of items to be fixed. Many were cosmetic. And many more were ridiculous. But, in truth, the home wasn't move-in ready, I gave her a break on the rent for the first month and told her we would call it even.

At the same time the texts from Bernice were coming in, e-mails from Flunky the Maintenance Asshat were coming in to me, giving me updates on what a spectacular job his crew was doing at this house. I have never, ever, received updates from Flunky before on any job, or frankly, since.

Flunky's e-mails sent a spark of guilt through me. What I asked of everyone there was a major imposition. It was a fire drill. Please stop what you are doing, get my home ready to rent and approve my tenant in record time. I knew what I was asking when I was doing it, and I am beyond grateful they stepped up. They didn't have to. And they probably won't again--but I am getting ahead of myself.

So, back to Bernice. A credit and background check revealed that Good O'le Bernice has an open bankruptcy. She also has a fresh--like less than two month's ago--eviction she had neglected to mention to me. I had asked her some basic questions on Sunday when I was talking to her and somehow she forgot to mention these two itsy-bitsy issues. Certainly she revealed she had bruised credit but she neglected to tell me about the two absolute-I-will-not-rent-to-you-EVER deal killers. She also told me she made three times the monthly rent. And, as expected at this point, apparently Bernice's best subject in school wasn't math.

When I called Bernice back (she feigned surprise she had an eviction--how does one not know this??? and furthermore how stupid did she think I was that she thought I would believe she didn't know she had been summoned in front of a judge?) I said, "Tell me right now why I should rent to you." At which point, Bernice gave me a lovely song and dance about why she was worth taking a chance on. I wasn't convinced. Jeff, Luigi's leasing agent, agreed with me. Bernice was not worth it.

However, this home belongs to four people: The Partners, Marty Sunshine and me. As I am only one-fourth of the vote, I was over-ruled. The truth is, most likely if we don't put Bernice in this house, we are putting a Section 8 crack whore in there. In some ways, Bernice with her open bankruptcy and six-week old eviction looked a lot prettier than what else we could expect. At least that was Marty Sunshine's thinking. Essentially, we could at least get Bernice to baby-sit this particular home at least through the holidays. It wasn't that I agreed, I just saw the other side of the coin: I know what could expect from this neighborhood. Heck, even counting my home in Pinson (in foreclosure) this was the home that has been trashed the worst. At least Bernice didn't seem like the type to trash it.

When push came to shove, Marty Sunshine over-ruled me. I made him send me an e-mail saying I had no say in the matter and if this turned out to be the train-wreck I was expecting it to be, I am absolved of all responsibility.

I then called back Bernice, told her she was approved. I told her I wasn't messing around. One wrong move and she was out in the street (right... like I can make that stick). I did my best to sound like the grumpy curmudgeon I had become that day. She replied with several variations of "Thank you Mrs. Landlord. I will take great care of your place. Thank you. Thank you." She then spared my cell minutes but continually followed up with additional texts with the same sentiment.

Once I gave the astonished ("Seriously, you are going to rent to her? Have you lost your mind?") Jeff the green light to approve her. He called Bernice and told her to come in Wednesday morning and sign the lease. He went over the terms and conditions. What her move-in up front money would be. He reminded Bernice I had given her a reduction in rent and wasn't I just awesome? Apparently Bernice was thrilled--at least that is what the leasing agent told me.

Long around 7 p.m. my time that night, Bernice sent me yet another text. She wasn't moving in. Because, even though she had to be out of her apartment by the next morning, it turns out she didn't have the security deposit. Oops! So, thanks anyway for jumping through all these hoops and "taking a chance on her". But no.

That Monday

The O'le Accidental Business has been kinda busy lately. I would like to tell how productive this business has been, but as true in life, "busy" has nothing to do with productive.

Here's the back story: I had a home in property management. The tenant moved out. A former tenant contacted me and wanted to rent it. This was someone I know and trust. So, a couple of Fridays ago, I took the house out of property management. The following Sunday morning, I heard from Ms. Former Tenant: she wasn't moving in. So, I now have a vacant home that is out of property management.

Nevertheless, Carolsue came forward and instantly found me a potential renter. Bernice was looking to rent a home in Carolsue's neighborhood, but instead, Carolsue told her about my charming home and took her over to see it.

It turns out, Bernice loved my little home. She wanted to move in by Wednesday. And would I consider painting? And who was fixing the broken window? This is all Sunday evening.

So, that evening, I got on the computer and send a lovely note over to Luigi and Willy telling them yes, please put the home back in property management. Yes, I promise not to change my mind again. And by the way, Bernice will be calling first thing Monday morning to fill out an application. This, by the way, was a serious imposition on my part. I knew it when I did it, and hoped for the best.

I waited until Monday morning to send Flunky a note, sweetly asking him if he would pretty please fix the broken window, change the locks and paint the bathroom. And could he do it immediately, as the potential tenant was moving in on Wednesday.

As you three readers know, my relationship with Flunky the Maintenance Asshat is tenuous at best. And apparently word got back to him that I ratted him out to Luigi a few weeks ago. This probably was the reason--on a Monday morning, at a property management company, with all sorts of maintenance issues coming in from the weekend that should supersede a broken window and new locks--Flunky was so darn gracious with the "Yes, Ma'am, I would be (cough-cough) happy to help you," e-mails he sent me in reply.

Meanwhile, Carolsue was taking care of some other maintenance at the home for me. So, she was on hand to witness everything, when suddenly (and unbeknownst to me) Bernice, instead of high-tailing to the property management company to fill out an application, just decided to pop by and check on "her" home. All I knew was that I was getting texts in 20 minute intervals that said something alone the lines of "Will you fix this?" or "I haven't heard from the property management company yet." and other such nonsense. And, given it was a Monday, and I work for a Property Management company, I really didn't have the time or patience to continue to deal with Bernice.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I sent everyone who handles leasing as well as Luigi himself a note saying "Please, someone call her! She wants to move in by Wednesday." Finally someone reached out to Bernice and scheduled her to come in Tuesday morning to fill out an application.

To be continued

Round And Round

When we last left the continuing saga of loosing our home in Pinson (the one on the two acres with a pond and wrap around porch), we were in the process of working with the first mortgage company on a deed in lieu of foreclosure. The second mortgage company however continues to call at all hours of the day and ask for my social security number. Which I refuse to give them (Hey! They called me. They should have my social security number.)

A few weeks ago, our liaison at the first mortgage company, Jonathan, wrote me and asked if I could meet the appraiser out at the house to let him in. I found this odd because he just replied to an earlier e-mail I had sent saying, "I don't live in Alabama and you can have the appraiser get the keys from the property management company. And here is their contact information." But whatever, somewhere in me saying "I don't live in Alabama" it was interpreted as "I am certainly available to drop everything and hop on over and let some dude into this home at his convenience" (who could probably enter through the broken window or where the garage door used to be--thank you former tenants).

Also as part of Jonathan's note last week he asked if I could send him the articles of incorporation for an LLC that hasn't had their name on this deed in 8 years. When I asked why, Jonathan just replied because that LLC's name is on the deed. I went to the Jefferson County Tax Records. No it isn't. But I didn't feel like arguing with Jonathan.

Instead, I just replied to Jonathan's e-mail with an answer to both: Get the keys from the property management company. And here is their contact information (again) and would you like us to change the deed back into Marty Sunshine's and my name to make everything smoother? And then I waited. And waited. And waited.

Today I got another e-mail from Jonathan. What do you know? It was a reply from my last e-mail where I asked him about the name change. But just to be sure I would think him a bit of a buffoon, he asked what was going on with us changing the name on the deed? He also told me "we" couldn't move forward with this until this issue was resolved.

And by the way, when could I get out to the house and let the appraiser in?

Just In Time

This past week, Flunky the Maintenance Asshat pestered me to approve the quote he gave me to have the watershed issue abated at my Fultondale home. I ignored him for several days, happily deleting his texts and filing his unread e-mails. Incidentally, the quote was significantly less, and much more reasonable, than his first "this is the only one you are going to get from me and leave me the heck alone you stupid woman who knows nothing," quote he presented me months ago.

One of the legitimate reasons I did not approve the quote right away was that I wanted Mr. 114 to take a peek and give me his professional opinion. After all, Mr. 114 does this kind of thing for a living. In this case, Mr. 114 happens to live on the smack-dab other side of town and it just isn't worth it to him to take on this job (though I begged). Eventually he graciously got back in touch with me. And yes, he gave me his blessing.

My real concern is my tenants. They have been there since 2010. They love the area. In fact Mr. Fultondale grew up in the neighborhood and fondly tells me every time I inspect the home how he used to camp in the woods approximately where my home is currently situated. The tenants keep the house in cherry condition. And through this entire ordeal, it never strayed from my mind that these folks are the unfortunate pawns in this game.

It wasn't that I wanted to hurt them. My tenants don't deserve to be put in the middle of a battle of wills between Flunky and my wallet. Nor did they sign up for a home where their basement was uninhabitable. And, if Flunky had provided me with a reasonable quote back in June, or even a second quote when I asked for it in July, there wouldn't have been a situation where the tenants couldn't use the basement for months on end.

While all this was going on, I was also keenly aware my tenants' lease is up at the end of this month. It would have been completely reasonable for them to pack up and move under the circumstances. I know I would consider doing so. Additionally, I knew if they did pack up and move, we would either 1) still have to get the work done and have to pay the turnover costs associated with having a vacant home or 2)--and this was the more likely scenario--give this home back to the bank. Neither appealed to me. Fortunately, it appears this was resolved in time and it won't be an issue after all.

The Passive Aggressive Diva That I Am

Flunky the Maintenance Asshat's e-mail arrived in my inbox at some reasonable hour Monday. It said, "Here is a new quote for the work that needs to be done on your home in Fultondale." And what do you know! It was less than half of cost of the first quote.

You remember that first quote don't you? The one I have repeatedly asked for since June? The one Mr. 114 told me was garbage? Yea, that one.

A few weeks ago, after asking Flunky repeatedly to find another vendor, he told me "there is no other company that does this kind of work", essentially letting me know this was as good as it would get and that I needed to back off. Somehow that changed last week and Birmingham became awash with watershed management companies.* This time Flunky found a more wonderful "as good as it was going to get" type of price.

Of course, because the quote was so handsome Flunky has been pestering me all darn day to approve the the project.

I probably will.

When I am good and ready.



*That pun is for you Alec.

This Isn't The "Right Property"

If you aren't aware of this particular tid-bit about me, I hate showing rentals. Yes. I work for a property management company, but for the most part, I sell real estate for a property management company. Rentals. Not so much.

However, my kids are addicted to groceries. And, with Buckaroo in two sports and about to turn 13 in a matter of days, we go through a lot of groceries. A lot. So, I show rentals.

One of the nifty aspects of real estate is I can advertise other people's listings. Yes, I need permission (unless the rentals are from my company), but being able to do so allows me to generate leads. And essentially a filled rental home makes for a happy owner and a full belly for Buckaroo.

Anyway, I recently ran an ad for a home. As you may remember from our Landlord 101 final exam a few years ago on this blog (which I am pleased to say the three of you passed), the most information you will ever find out about a tenant is from the time they show any interest in a home to the moment they sign the lease. That in mind, this is the response I got from a guy named Ray for an ad I ran. It came in this past Saturday night.

"I am interested in this rental and would like to schedule a viewing today. My roommate are looking to move into a property as soon as Monday. We have cash in hand and are ready to move on the right property. Can I see this property tomorrow?"

Now, mind you, the dude didn't call me--which would make a heck of a lot more sense if he has the urgency I seem to be reading into this. It also appears he can't make up his mind. Did he want to see this house on Saturday or Sunday. Marty Sunshine was even questioning whether or not he was real. That aside, there are a few reasons why I would never rent to him if this were my property.

1) He sounds desperate. If you are willing to move within two days (mind you it takes about two business days to run a background check, credit check and landlord check), why? Are you being kicked out of your current home? Did you not realize the month rolled over and are just exhibiting poor planning skills? Owners don't like poor planning skills from tenants. It tends to become a monthly trend, which involves poor planning with the rent.

2) He has a roommate. That probably means he can't afford the rent himself (which in this case is $1200). Most landlords (me and the company I work for included) require a tenant to have a monthly income of three times the monthly rent. If you need a roommate, you probably are not going to fall into that category. And what happens if Ray and his roomie have a falling out and the roommate leaves? Can Ray afford the rent or does he bail on an unsuspecting owner?

That was rhetorical by the way. We all know the answer to this because it was in the Landlord 102 final exam.

3) And finally, Ray has cash. Nowhere in his quick message did it say anything about him having the "money" for rent and deposits. Just that he has "cash." Of course, there is the usual cliches about the kinds of folks who have all cash businesses. Ray sounds like a nice, Italian name. Don't you think?

But drug runners and mafia aside there is the screaming subtext of, "I don't have a bank account" or "My credit is so bad that I cannot get a checking account." Most owners don't accept potential tenants who do not have bank accounts. These folks tend to look more transient. And less reliable. And the question coming to my mind is why is this person not grown up enough to have a bank account? Granted it isn't against the law to keep your money in an empty fruit cocktail can in the pantry, but it is nonconforming. Owners tend to appreciate conforming. And stability.

I did not respond to Ray. For one thing, today is Monday. I didn't work this past Sunday so I didn't get his message in time. And second, I don't want to help him. My feeling is that he first needs to help himself.

Karma

So I work for a property management company. Last year, one of our owners from Canada came down to Arizona to visit their five properties. They also wanted to buy another--which was where I came in. I found them the best deal ever on a home. They got it for $70,000 under market.

In exchange for jumping through a lot of hoops and finding them the bargain of the century, they wrote a note to the broker telling him how incompetent I happen to be. Of course, nobody on my end believed it and my conscience was clear.

Fast forward to six months later. One of their properties came vacant. As part of my job, I found them not one, not two, but three qualified tenants to rent this home. All of them would have been dream tenants. All of them were rejected for various reasons, including in one case--and I am not making this up--though the husband's monthly salary was more than than five times the monthly rent and they had no debt and a sizable savings account, the wife didn't work outside the home. And, what would happen if the husband lost his job? Who would pay the rent then?

At that point, I recused myself, told my broker he was on his own and he could find tenants for these yahoos. I also made it clear I would never, ever show any of their rentals. Ever.

This past week one of their rentals came vacant. And, what did these folks do? They fired my broker and have decided to rent it out and manage it themselves from Canada. Best of luck to them. They will need it.

Now Marty's Drama

So after several maddening e-mails with Flunky the Maintenance Asshat today I finally told him that I pay the property management company to handle these kinds of things . And as soon as he has done his job to find out what is really going on, he can let me know so that I can make an informed decision about what to do about the hot water heater.

Five minutes later Flunky wrote me back and said "I just want to know if you want to call a plumber or should I?"

Frankly, I don't know if I need a plumber. For all I know the tenant is whining about nothing and wants to get out of her lease (that happens. Often.). Of course, if a plumber is needed he should call. That's why he is the Maintenance Guy.

Also, I had already covered that particular topic in other exchanges with him today. He has yet to tell me what "not hot enough water" happens to be. Instead of replying, I did what any sensible wife would do. I forwarded the e-mail to Marty Sunshine and said, "You deal with this and make sure he doesn't contact me about this again."

Close, But Not Close Enough

I just got a work order from Flunky the Maintenance Asshat. As usual he has usurped my repeated requests for him to work directly with Marty Sunshine. At this point I am convinced he only writes to me because because he has it out for me.

That's ok. I have it out for him too.

Apparently one of my tenants is in crisis. The work order said the tenant has hot water, but it isn't "hot enough". Flunky asked me what I wanted him to do about it.

I don't know, perhaps ask for a clarification to what "not hot enough" happens to mean? How long is this tenant running the hot water? How hot does she want the water? You know, so basics so that I can make an informed decision.

As politely as I could muster, I responded to Flunky by asking for clarification. I am guessing now this will turn into a complete pain in the neck that will make me crazy by Friday.

Back at Square One

Now then, where did we leave off with the house in North Centerpoint?

You remember this drama don't you? This is the home where the mortgage was called due a year ago for some reason unbeknownst to us. In addition, the Bigoted Asset Manager's committee rejected all reasonable short sale offers--unless we agree to give them $36,000 more than we actually owe on the mortgage. After we agreed to disagree on this matter, the Bigoted Asset Manager then went back to the "committee" and asked if the bank would agree to a deed in lieu of foreclosure. Apparently this "committee" meets regularly, because not two days later the committee said no to this request too.

Actually, the day we got the rejection letter we also received another letter from the same mortgage company. The second letter was a demand for the full amount of the mortgage. The same mortgage they called due last year, and had they not, we could have been paying all along and never been in this situation. The mortgage company rejected our short sales. They have now rejected our request for a deed in lieu. But they want their money. Good luck with that. We don't have it. 

I spoke to Legalowl right after I got the letter from the bank. She said to do nothing. She did suggest we keep the insurance and taxes up on the property. "It makes for a smoother transition." Whatever that means. This has been nothing but smooth. I also suspect if we don't pay the impounds the bank might move faster. But who knows. 

Eventually someone at the bank is going to want this deadwood off their books. But until then, we will just let it sit there. 

I Figure He Is Still Reading

So this past weekend Luigi contacted me and asked if I had any concerns about Flunky the Asshat Maintenance Manager. I have no idea what prompted his question or why he decided to ask little old me, but he did.

And, it just so happens I do have concerns. Lots of them. And I shared the ones I remembered off the top of my head with Luigi. If I had given myself some time, I would have come up with several more. I toyed with sending a "chapter 2" to Luigi or sending him copies of the crappy e-mails Flunky has sent me in the past year, but I didn't want to sound vindictive. I am guessing long about paragraph 10 of my dissertation Luigi was a bit sorry he brought this up.

In all fairness, I kept my comments neutral and factual. I left out the drama--except when Flunky contacted me at 5:21 a.m. and then told me it wasn't "urgent." Yea... I am still pissy about that.

And finally, I told Luigi I have left property management behind, and yet every call/text/e-mail from Flunky means I have to spend at the very minimum four hours of my time making sure I have the right person around to do the work because Flunky is short on customer service and feels entitled to spend my money any darn way he wants. If I wanted to spend four hours of my life fact-checking Flunky I could just manage my own properties and save myself a few dollars.

I did tell Luigi I very strongly feel there are probably many other owners who feel the same way I do. I also (rhetorically) questioned how many owners may have left this particular property management company just to be rid of Flunky. I summed up my thoughts by suggesting Flunky is harming Luigi's reputation as well as Luigi's company's reputation. Reputations are easy to destroy and hard to build.

Incidentally, I still haven't heard back from Luigi. That's fine. I have said my piece.

And Just To Be Sure

Right after I wrote the Bigoted Asset Manager, I forwarded Pam the Supervisor the same e-mail. Underneath it I attached several items of my ignored correspondence from the guy. Here's hoping this  process moves a little faster from this point forward.

Bless His Bigoted, Cold, Rotten Heart

Our house in North Birmingham where we were trying to get a short sale got interesting. Since April, I had been talking to the Bigoted Asset Manager who had encouraged me to do a short sale. In fact, he blatantly discouraged me to let the house go into foreclosure.

When we first spoke in April, he suggested that the "committee" (???) would never "believe" Marty and I "needed a short sale" under the "circumstances". He said he was looking at our credit scores at that very moment and it would be a "hard sell" and didn't I just want to pay what I owe?

At the time, thinking I was working with a professional, I explained that the second mortgage had been called due--by his company and without any conceivable reason--starting this train wreck, the tenant had moved out and we were no longer in a position to take care of this house. The Bigoted Asset Manager made tut-tut noises and sent me on my way.

Four months later, Kirby submitted a total of four cash offers for our home to this bank. I had been speaking to the Bigoted Asset Manager all along. At one point, he sent me an e-mail offering me unreasonable terms to settle this account. We said no. Foreclose. The bigoted Asset Manager backed down, saying he would see what he could do.

What he did do was send me a lovely letter, via US Postal Service saying the "committee" rejected my short sale. What he also did was ignore my e-mails and phone calls for the following weeks.

Sick of the entire process, I sicced Marty on this. Last week Marty called around to this bank trying to find the person to talk to so that we could start the deed in lieu of foreclosure process. He left voicemail after voicemail. Finally someone named "Pam" called him back. Apparently Pam is a supervisor. She listened carefully as Marty relayed our story (we tried the short sale route and you folks rejected the offers we got.). Pam was none-too-happy we had jumped through so many hoops and promised to have someone call by the end of the day.

And someone did call. It was the Bigoted Asset Manager. On the phone with Marty, he was polite, reasonable and back-pedaled. It was clear that he and Pam had a terse conversation prior to him calling our home. Apparently at that particular moment he was more than willing to help us in any way.

However, when I found out Marty was on the phone with the guy, I was furious. He would return Marty's call, but not mine. I said loudly, "Is that the same Bigoted Asset Manager who refused to return my calls and e-mails for the past month but yet will call you back at the drop of a hat?"

At which point, Marty shot up a hand and gave me a look, begging me not to pick up the home extension and continue my tirade at the guy. Apparently the Bigoted Asset Manager heard me because Marty relayed the following message from him, "Thank you for being so professional Mrs. Landlord through the entire short sale process." And that just annoyed me further.

As it stands now, I believe the Bigoted Asset Manager is supposed to go back to the alleged "committee" and ask for guidance. We explained that we no longer had buyers for the house, so we would have to start over with another short sale--that is if Kirby is willing to do this again. After all, nobody likes working for free.

And just to be sure we are all on the same page, I e-mailed the jerk the following note:

Dear Bigoted Asset Manager,

Thank you for taking time to speak to my husband about our situation earlier this week. As he has a full time job, he still would like me to be the point of contact for this issue.

Would you please let me know what the next steps happen to be so that we can turn this home back over to the Bank. As your committee has rejected the four cash offers we brought you, it seems reasonable to expect a deed in lieu of foreclosure or a judicial foreclosure. We are more than willing to accommodate and save your company the trouble of a judicial foreclosure. So, if a deed in lieu works for you, that would be great with us.

Currently the home is vacant and probably vulnerable to vandalism and vagrancy, so moving forward and quickly as possible is probably in everyone's best interest.

Please advise soon. 

Sincerely, 

The Landlord

I know it is more wordy than "Bless your heart" but I sure hope it conveys the same sentiment. 

Mr. 114 to the Rescue

It is obvious that neither Flunky nor Marty are going to take care of the issue for the house in Fultondale. I am rather annoyed, but that is for another blog. The main issue is that the home is situated downhill and that happens to be the direction water flows when it rains.

Even in the South.

Because water flows downhill, it appears (according to the tenant who is squawking about this matter) it is somehow coming into the home. At one time I had the house sealed and drains put in to resolve this matter. The person who did it was Mr. 114, someone I know, trust and believe in. I don't trust or believe in Flunky the Maintenance Asshat who is in charge of finding someone to re-fix this issue.

Now before you suggest the obvious: why doesn't Mr. 114 go out there and fix the issue? After all, he did it once before and the problem has come back. There are two reasons. One, the scope of work he did last time did not include this area where water is coming in now. Think of it like this: if a roof has a leak, and it is patched it can still leak somewhere else at a later date. In this case, when Mr. 114 fixed the first water drainage issue, he shored up other potential areas of concern. But he didn't have a crystal ball on what would happen seven years in the future. If a tenant happens to plant or move earth or doesn't clean out the french drains on the property, water can be diverted and go somewhere else.

As I am not there and only hearing this second-hand, I don't know if the tenant has caused this or if there is an erosion issue. Right now, because Flunky is useless and won't tell me where the water is coming in ("I don't know but I will ask the contractor.") Mr. 114--who does this kind of thing for a living and is familiar with this house--is of the mind that the water may be coming in from under the porch, a place that was shored up at one time, but if the tenant moved things around it could be an issue now.

The other reason Mr. 114 doesn't want the job is because he lives 60 miles from this house. However, he has been a wealth of knowledge. And for that, I am grateful.

To speed things along, I recently asked Flunky for a new quote for this work. The first quote was more than I felt was reasonable. Instead of actually, you know, finding another quote, Flunky quickly told me "that is the best he can do."

As this issue was starting to get out of hand, I called Mr. 114. I asked him what he thought of my quote. And, Mr. 114 even called Flunky on my behalf to discuss this quote. When Mr. 114 called me, he didn't mince words. He said, "I don't' trust him and your quote is crap." That's what I was thinking too.

Apparently, Flunky's quote calls for only 8 feet of drain to be installed (for $2000????). The house is longer than 8 feet. So, installing culverts and drains for 8 feet will only divert the water so far before it pools up, causing more damage. There are other issues with the quote too. According to Mr. 114 the scope of the work I am being asked to pay for will do nothing to resolve the issue and only make things worse. And according to Mr. 114 he told Flunky to get another quote.

When I spoke with Mr. 114 yesterday, he told me not to proceed (no problem there, I don't have that kind of cash right now). He said wait for the new quote and immediately send it to him prior to agreeing to anything.

I am good with that.

A Third One on the Brink

One of our homes needs some maintenance. For the past two months, I have asked Marty Sunshine to work with Asshat the Maintenance Flunky in getting this done. There are a few reasons for this, primarily I just don't want to deal with Flunky and his maintenance requests. Frankly, anything related to Flunky just annoys the hell out of me.

Last April, two days into my vacation I spent a good 45 minutes in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Fort Stockton Texas, chewing out Flunky for being a liar. At the time, he really had no reasonable defense and didn't care much that I had caught him in lies that were detrimental to my business--which made me chew him out even more. Strangely enough, he took it from me. A few hours later, somewhere near Ozona Texas, he spoke with Marty and got another earful. Either the guy is just some sort of freak who gets his jollys from others yelling at him, or he is a serious dimwit. I am not betting money on which.

Moving right along,  months ago, when these repair issues came into play, I made it perfectly clear: CONTACT MY HUSBAND ABOUT THIS HOUSE AND DON'T BOTHER ME. There were e-mails, which Flunky acknowledges ("Mrs. Landlord, I don't have Marty's e-mail address, will you send it to me again?" and "Mrs. Landlord is (your cell number) the best number to reach Marty?")

The other day I got an e-mail from Flunky: It said, "Your tenant is complaining that this work has not been done."

This was news to me. Marty had authorized Part A. Part B wasn't too bad and could wait. So what was the big deal? But because I was not in a saintly frame of mind, I responded with, "Your owner is complaining that the tenant is late on their rent, so nobody is happy right now." I also reminded him that concerning this house, Flunky was to go directly to Marty Sunshine and not involve me whatsoever.

But no. Flunky is an idiot. Instead, he sent me an e-mail saying, "It looks like they paid up," and then asked when we would authorize the work.

Because I am not a fool, I asked Marty to please call Flunky and get things straightened out. Flunky's story to Marty was different, they had not come up with the entire rent amount and when were we going to make all the repairs? So, not only did Flunky lie directly to me--the tenant is not paid up, but he didn't care that he lied to me.

As I explained to Marty, this tenant's lease is up in October. We can't afford to get the work done on this property without the rent money (which will pay for the work). If the tenants move out, we can't afford a vacant home AND the repairs we will need to get this place in order to rent. So, it might be best to see if the tenant is staying before we move forward. Otherwise, it will be the third home to go.

Oh... The Irony

______________________________________________

To add insult to injury, my 15 year old, Polly, is taking a financial literacy class. For those of you unaware, my daughter has a learning disability. So, I often help her read.

One of the questions I read to her was, "Name a poor financial decision." And before she could stop herself, she blurted, "Buying houses in Alabama."

On A Brighter Note

For those of you three long-time readers, you may recall that August 24 is our own personal holiday around these parts. Today is my dear friend and bookkeeper's birthday.  I have known Bliz for more than half of my life. She tutored me in high school chemistry, taught me how to wear eye liner and held my hand as I navigated through teenage angst. What more can a friend ask for?

Many years ago, when I had a wild idea to start an accidental business, Bliz became my bookkeeper. I remember sitting across from her in the Midwestern city she lives in and watching to her agree to this journey. I am so glad she did.

Happy Birthday Bliz. You are an amazing friend. You keep me grounded. You have always brought out the best in me and you listen patiently to my whining. God was working overtime the day He shoved you into my life all those years ago.

--S

PS. Your birthday present will arrive tomorrow. They refused to ship it on Friday. :-)

I Can Tell Them Where to Go

Like a bad holiday white elephant gift exchange, I can't seem to unload my two defunct homes.

In fact, the only person who has anything positive to say to me is the guy from India (confirmed) who called me from the second mortgage company for our Pinson home (they house with the wrap around porch, 2 acres, mountains, pond, etc.), who casually asked how I was doing today. The conversation went South about two seconds afterwards when he asked for my social security number, but it was nice while it lasted.

In all fairness, I have heard from representatives of the first mortgage company for the Pinson home. Some attorney sent Marty and me separate letters telling us we are very bad people and they are going to sue us. They were going to take everything we had, including the cat and the kids if we didn't immediately cough up the entire balance of what we owed to them with interest and attorney's fees.

And by the way, they don't like us.

I am sure the sentiment was real, but I can't get too worked up about it when the actual mortgage company--the one who hired these goons--keeps juggling me around. Two weeks ago Naynay was my deed in lieu of foreclosure liaison. Then it was someone named Akmed and now it is a guy named Jonathan. Apparently (according to the e-mail I got from Jonathan) the mortgage company now wants to see the interior of the property and they will then "make a determination" of where to go from there. It doesn't really matter where they decide to "go from there."

I personally don't understand what all the hold up is. I can tell them what is happening next. There is no need to decide where to go from this point forward. They are getting the house back.

A Week in the Life of an Accidental Business

Though most of the posts these days are centered around the drama of our two pre-foreclosures, there really is other activity happening down South. To give you an idea of what my week was like:

Saturday (August 1): I got a bill from Kirby for work he did that I did not previously authorize. Apparently Flunky, the maintenance jerk took it upon himself to order Kirby to one of my homes on my behalf. Because Kirby gave me the frequent customer discount and I would have authorized it if they he had asked, I have not raised hell with Flunky. Yet.

Sunday: Some horrid hour before 8 a.m., the second mortgage company for the home in Pinson (the one with the charming wrap around porch) called us. I answered, said a few words that aren't intended for a family blog and then promptly went to church to beg for forgiveness.

Also Sunday, Ms. Angie wrote me a pretty creative e-mail explaining why rent would be a tad bit late. Apparently, her daughter had been arrested and the rent money was used for bail. Not once, mind you, but twice in 24 hours. Oh, and by the way, she "loves the home" and "is happy living there."

Monday: I had a long talk with Carolsue. We had not chatted in months. We didn't discuss anything related to Alabama, and it was a lot of fun to chat with an old friend.

Monday I also realized Mrs. Sherwood hadn't paid the rent.

In addition, Monday, Mr. Partner sent me an e-mail telling me one of of our mortgage companies wanted proof of insurance and could I handle that immediately, thankyouverymuch.

Tuesday: The Bigoted Asset Manager sent me a professionally terse letter saying he/his bank would not approve a short sale. Given I have e-mailed and/or talked with this man at least once a week, every week since the beginning of April and he couldn't be bothered to give me a head's up, I am guessing he is serious. More on this in another blog. Probably.

Wednesday: Marty Sunshine contacted the first mortgage company for the home in Pinson to find out what was going on with our deed in lieu of foreclosure. It turns out our representative, Naynay, hadn't done anything--including but not limited to--actually processing all of the papers we had sent to the mortgage company. Nor had Naynay returned my calls or e-mail. Anyway, when Marty called he was told our case was "closed" and Marty asked them to re-open it. We are now told a representative from the mortgage company is supposed to call Luigi's office to arrange access to this house. This particular representative called us once, leaving a message for Marty to call him back immediately. Marty has repeatedly called him back with no luck.

Thursday: Sometime when I wasn't looking, Mrs. Sherwood slipped the rent money into the bank account.

I also found out Thursday that I accidentally paid the second mortgage on the Pinson home through the bank's automatic bill payer option. For the record, this won't be a mistake I make again. However, sending one accidental gratuitous payment has not cut down the calls from the second mortgage payment one bit.

And finally, Friday (today): In the mail today was LegalOwl's bill. I believe there are third world nations with a smaller gross domestic product than what what our LLC owes her.

And Neither Have We

Well, the bigoted Asset Manager for the home we have in North Birmingham (the one where the bank called the second mortgage due) has gotten back to us about our super-awesome short sale offer. As you may recall, we have someone willing to pay $58,000 for our home.

Unfortunately, what the bank had to say was they they will only do a short sale if I agree to give them close to $30,000 upfront and sign a promissory note for the remainder. Now for those of you confused on what a short sale happens to be, it is when the bank agrees to take an amount less than the amount owed because the value on the property is lower than the amount owed.

So, asking us to pay the difference in cash and a promissory note defies the entire purpose of the short sale in the first place. In fact, before we even started this process  I spoke with the Asset Manager to verify we were on the same page. My first clue there might have been an issue is when he said last April, "I just pulled up your credit. You are never going to convince the bank with credit like yours that you can't pay." I should have gone with my gut. However, I do recall speaking with Mr. Asset Manager at the time who assured me in no way did the bank want a foreclosure. After all, then they have to sell it.

And now, here we are. Today I showed the Asset Manager's e-mail to all the major players. Kirby assures me they are bluffing and will cave. When I first got Legal Owl involved today, she suggested I play along to buy some time. But after more billable hours deliberation, we decided to just tell the bank to go ahead and foreclose. Our credit is now crap anyway. We don't have the money and it won't change if I sign a promissory note or not. And frankly, I don't want to promise to pay more money that I can't necessarily follow up on. So Legal Owl wrote a lengthy missive that boiled down to "Go ahead and deny this, I've got nothing to loose." I signed off on it and sent it on is as my own.

Not three minutes later the Asset Manager wrote back that I really needed to reconsider. It will wreck my credit (so will a short sale), I need to talk to an accountant because there are some tax implications (done) and a string of other things that sound like what you might tell a small child when you want them to do something they really don't need to do. The gist was I was making a grave mistake by not agreeing to give them money upfront and pay the rest later. He wrote a good letter until the end when threw this gem at me,

"We could foreclose and that would probably resolve the issues above. Believe it or not,  I have never done a deed in lieu. I am not sure how to handle that."

Yep. That's the crux right there. He doesn't know what to do next. Guess what? That makes two of us. 
 

Reflecting

It infuriated me beyond belief when tenants would say, "I don't have the rent," and then stay in my house. Or, they would be short every month, but when I came to Alabama, they would have furnishings or toys much newer and nicer than mine because furnishings and toys are more important than paying for a place to live. I consider the contract to rent a home to be binding. I do my part, and I expect the person signing to to theirs.

I have been known to call these folks deadbeats, losers or worse. Some of them still make my jaw clench when I think how they stayed in my home, letting me (at times) work two jobs just so we could pay the mortgage company and the lawyer to evict them.

We work for what we have and we expect those on the receiving end to act accordingly. Yes, we have had some nice vacations, but they were paid for with cash. Ahead of time. I bring this up, because one tenant who was squatting in my home actually suggested if my family hadn't gone to California one year, we could have afforded her not to pay the rent. So it was our fault.

The reason I bring this up is because we are doing the same with our mortgage companies. Essentially we have become the deadbeats or losers. I struggle with this daily.

Marty Sunshine suggested it isn't remotely the same. When our situation became the reality it is, we told the banks immediately. We offered them the homes upfront. But they didn't want them. I understand our reason for going this direction was strategic. But then, one could argue, our tenants' reasoning for staying in our homes long past when they should have left could also be deemed "strategic."

In return for us breaking our contracts with the banks, we will be sued. There will be a judgement against us. We are unable to get loans for just about anything for years (if we want loans). We can't get a new mortgage any time soon either. My credit score alone has dropped 73 points in the past eight weeks. Marty Sunshine (whose name and credit is tied with more of these delinquent loans than my name), doesn't want to know how far his score has plummeted. Eventually--when the dust settles--we will most likely file bankruptcy. All because of a situation we couldn't control. Or didn't control properly. You pick.

But I don't see how I can call the people who did this to me deadbeats without looking in the mirror and seeing the same.

We Got His Attention

If you are a long-time reader of this blog, you might have gotten the impression Mr. Partner is rough around the edges. He is. He is also a savvy landlord and I have learned a lot from him through the years.

The biggest challenge we have faced with Mr. Partner is his memory has holes. We were rocking in the early years of the accidental business. Just rocking. He thought I was a genius. Heck, I thought I was a genius! Our business plan was spot-on and everything was going swimmingly.

And then it didn't.

And Mr. Partner didn't seem to comprehend "We have 12 vacancies, a dead water buffalo heard rotting the basement of one home and the FBI is zeroing in on a potential illegal Romanian gambling ring in another house." The crazies--and I promise you every story I write on here is true--started piling up and 1) a blog was born and 2) we ran out of money. Fast.

When approaching Mr. Partner with financial drama, generally what I would hear from him was, "Why did this happen? It wasn't like this back in 2007."

This is where it got interesting. Marty Sunshine and I always contributed first when I noticed our business bank account was running low. After a few months of financial juggling, we would ask Mr. Partner to match our contribution. Instead of just agreeing, or asking something reasonable, like how much did we contribute and when, Mr. Partner would ask for bank statements. He would then point out that our account on the first of the month had lots of money in it what happened to the money? That's true, but once the bills are paid, the money was gone.

Mr. Partner would also ask for income statements and balance sheets. Let's be fair, he is owed these items. They were also provided to him regularly. He didn't want the regular ones, but he wanted up-to-date numbers that did not reflect reality. Because financial statements tell viewer of what happened before, not what is happening right now.

However, in order for him to commit to putting a penny into the bank account, which was usually on the brink of us bouncing mortgages, he would insist upon seeing these reports. I would always call Bliz, beg her forgiveness, ask her to drop everything she was doing and please make the financials current and send them over to me. Then, once she sent everything, I'd pass it along to Mr. Partner who would scrutinize it and ask why we spent so much on dead water buffalo removal and couldn't we have found someone trustworthy to do it for $25?

Also, for those of you not familiar with balance sheets, the Owner's Equity category is a negative number. This always throws Mr. Partner because his negative number is closer to zero than ours. So, in his mind, it was he who put in more money. And again, before he would commit to making sure nothing bounced, Marty would have to explain this concept to him. The reason Marty did this is because I got to the point where I could not speak civilly to Mr. Partner.

In all fairness, Mr. Partner would always oblige, match our contribution and say things like, "This will be the last time I ever give another dime to this LLC."

One time, when I knew we were on a fast track to bouncing every mortgage payment, I sent him a saccharine-sweet note, letting him know that if he didn't match our contribution immediately, it would be the homes in his name where the mortgages weren't paid that month. And that was fine by me. Another time, I may have accidentally on purpose not paid the property taxes on a home with the mortgage in his name. But hey! We didn't have the money and Mr. Partner was being stubborn.

This tenuous relationship has lasted for years. Marty--bless him--has always been the peacemaker between Mr. Partner's obnoxious insinuations that I have run the company into the ground and me promising a painful and cruel death for the man if he didn't do his part. And, there has been more than one occasion where I have pointed out to him that I go to Birmingham on my own dime (at his request) and I take the calls, shield him from the plethora of drama and a LOT OF OTHER STUFF HAPPENS because I do it and he doesn't. And I am willing to trade jobs with him any time.

In the past six months or so, things have shifted. When we came to Mr. Partner and explained the bank called the mortgage due for our home in North Birmingham and the home in Pinson is beyond reasonable repair he listened. We then told him Marty and I were willing to let the homes go. It would be our credit trashed and we would probably have to file bankruptcy to clean up this mess. Though we weren't excited about this prospect, we had consulted a lawyer and a few other experts (on the LLC's dime) and it appeared it was the only recourse we could see to solve this mess. The banks weren't going to play and we did not have the money anymore.

Mr. Partner offered to help out with whatever financial necessitates were needed. And we appreciated it. But it didn't change the realities. This wasn't something we could just write a check to fix. We asked him to think about if he really wanted to do that. And he asked us if we were really sure we wanted to "strategically downsize." We were sure. And frankly I think Mr. Partner was sure too.

Since then, Mr. Partner has been very conciliatory. "Anything you need," he has told me almost weekly. When I warned him the insurances were due this month and it was usually Marty and I who handled this, he said not to worry, he'd cover it.

A couple weeks ago, the three of us went to lunch to discuss the state of affairs. I made a few jokes about our credit being shot and our impending financial meltdown. I joked because at this point, one can only wallow in the miasma of doom for so long. It is the decision we made. And so far, I feel it is for the best. I realized afterwards my comments made him uncomfortable, but that was certainly not my intention. But that said, it seems that Marty and I being willing to let these homes go to get this monkey off our back has certainly made an impact on him.

Functional Dysfunction

Every July, since the first year of our accidental business, most of my home owner's insurances happen to be due. Don't ask me why, but the majority of our gazillion homes we bought through the years were purchased in July. So here we are.

Also, because of strategic business decisions of years' past, we pay several of our insurances (and taxes, but that's December's issue) out of pocket. And, because we have a gazillion properties, traditional insurance companies stopped insuring us long ago. So five of our homes happen to be lumped into two commercial insurance policies.

This is where it gets a bit messy. Unfortunately three of the five homes in these two policies are homes Marty and I own without a partner. In the event you aren't completely confused and are still reading this: one policy holds three homes (two are Marty's and mine and one belongs to the LLC we have with Mr. Partner) and the other commercial policy holds two (one is Marty's and mine and one happens to be the home we have a short sale on--but it is in Mr. Partner's LLC).

Additionally, paying these two clunky policies is a bit of a chore. The money can't be co-mingled. So the Solo LLC can't pay Mr. Partner's LLC's policy without a lot of excessive journal entries and insanity Bliz just hasn't signed up for.

There are other insurance policies on our other homes out there, but these are the two policies tend to be most maddening. Once upon a time when Bliz had more free time, she would patiently sort through this, figure out which home's policy cost how much and then pay these particular bills for me. But one year she gave me some veiled threat of mutiny and a quadrupled hourly rate if she had to figure out how to disperse the money for these five homes.

So, this job is now mine. And now every July I have to dedicate several hours to figure out the login to the insurance Web site and guess at the password (because it is something unconventional like !obn0xious1) so I can actually read the policies and decipher the payment amount per home. It takes less time to read the entire Harry Potter series than figure this nonsense out.

I have to tell you, it would be genuinely nice if the insurance company would actually just mail me the policy and the bill like I have repeatedly requested. But, they don't. It is a fight I fought and lost. And at this point, I know what to do, where to look and just have adjusted my life accordingly.

Then there is Mrs. Sherwood's home's policy. This policy is from a different insurance company and they never send me a bill either. And again, I have asked and got tired of loosing this battle. There is only so much rejection I can handle in one month. But to their credit, they do send me a cancellation notice if I don't pay it. There have been numerous years I have had to call the insurance company begging to be reinstated (and suggesting if they had sent me a statement in the first place I would have taken care of this). Ironically, the only other time they send me a bill is after I send them $300 or so around July 12. Only then will they let me know exactly how much I really owe.

The biggest challenge with this process is, of course, that we are under-capitalized And, when one has under-capitalized issues, paying several thousand dollars of home owner's insurance is a bit of a challenge. So every summer we start a campaign to scrape together the money. Generally Marty and I make up the difference in July and Mr. Partner handles the money for the taxes in December. It is a simple dysfunction we have all grown comfortable with.

However, this year things were different. After I settled down last week do figure out what needed to happen, I discovered we had just enough money in the LLC to cover our insurances! You know, the way it should have been all along if things had gone smoothly. Sadly, the reason the money was there  this year to begin with was because we aren't paying for the two homes we are giving back.

The Non-Relationship Manager

The home where we are doing a Deed in Lieu of Foreclose (the house in Pinson with the charming wrap around front porch, for those of you keeping track) has a first and second mortgage. The process is maddening. There are times I feel like dealing with it, and times I don't.

We have been in contact with both mortgage companies since the beginning of the process. This has not stopped the second mortgage company from calling us twice a day, which they do. Last week, when they called for the first time one day, I needed to talk with them. You see, they had sent us a certified letter that we opted  not to accept. So, I wanted to find out what they wanted.

When "Mark" called last Thursday, I was in a cheerful mood. As soon as he identified himself, I said, "I am so glad you called. Would you please put me through to the asset manager. I need to speak with her."

At which point, Mark put me into the main phone system where a computer admonished me for being late, told me how much I owed and told me they would like a payment immediately thankyouverymuch, and if I wanted to speak with a human being, please press 2.

Apparently my relationship manager (Laury, whom I have yet to speak with), was unavailable but someone named "Agent 26" came on the line. Still being somewhat cheerful, I was totally taken aback by Agent 26's demeanor. He was downright hostile. He pointed out I owed money. Why wasn't I paying it? Seriously, it is a second mortgage and can't I just give up my "daily Starbucks addition" and manage my budge better so that I can pay them the money I owe?

This was all before I even said why I wanted to talk to him.

By the way, I don't drink coffee, nor do I frequent Starbucks.

I didn't give him a sob story. I won't. But I told him the truth (because he finally asked why we hadn't paid): the tenant moved in, didn't pay, trashed the place and fought the eviction. We drained our savings trying to pay the mortgage and pay the attorney on the house where these deadbeats lived. We don't have the money to fix it up. That is the truth. All of this I conveyed with as much of a pleasant professional demeanor as I could muster.

Agent 26 replied, "So this is a short-term problem and we can expect your payment when?" And at this point there was really no reason to continue with the call. The two points of interest I did gleam from this guy was they will not do a Deed in Lieu. Nope. No way. No how (then we will go straight to foreclose--but there was no point telling him). He also told me the second mortgage company plans on suing us. Which I pretty much figured out by the twice-daily phone calls.

I never did get around to the crux of the call (what was in the letter they sent?). Nor did I say what I really wanted to tell him, which is: "Do you think after owning this home for 11 years we want this??" Frankly, Agent 26 wouldn't let me talk anyway. And by that time, I really didn't want to.

We're In The Money

So Kirby has sent me another offer for our short sale. This phenomenally wonderful offer is for $58,000. Sadly, this is a full priced offer. Hopefully the bank will be as thrilled as we are.

This Is A Fine How-Do-You-Do

Last summer I helped Kathy and Tony find a lovely rental home. The home in question is a modest three bedroom stuccoed home in East Mesa. The house isn't in property management, but it self-managed by the out-of-state owner.

I should explain--because it might give you a bit of context--the way the system in Arizona works is that I show the house, the folks interested put an application in and if approved, a few weeks later I get a check that equates to about $4 an hour for my time. So, I don't know who the owner is. I don't write the lease. And I don't have any details about the lease.

Fast forward to this week. Kathy called me. You see, her lease states that she is to deposit the rent money directly into the owner's bank account. Apparently, her lease also gives her the owner's phone number to call if anything happens. But the lease does not give a few other vital tidbits: like the owner's e-mail address or a physical address. Just in case.

After all, what could possibly go wrong? Right?

If you happen to be one of my three readers, you will be snickering to yourself, because you know that something wrong happens in situations like these. In this case, when Tony went to deposit the rent money last week he found out the account was closed. While standing in line while the Wells Fargo teller waited patiently, Tony called the phone number he had for his landlord only to find out it was disconnected. And after probing a bit farther with the teller (who could have just told him this to begin with), it turns out the owner is deceased.

And that's when I got a phone call.

Technically, Kathy and Tony have not been officially notified about the owner's death. In fact, after I dug around on the ole' Internet for a while I found out that 1) the owner had resided in Miami Florida, 2) He died in January, 2015 and 3) it was a "tragic death", though I don't have any real details about it. I can also tell you he was self-employed and had heirs.

There are legal reasons I don't want to get involved with this. It isn't that I don't like these folks, but there are legalities associated with my real estate license, so I am not advising them. However, I have told the where to go for the information they are seeking. I did tell them if it were me, I would hold on to the rent money and not to spend it. They owe the money. But then again, they are owed their security deposit when they leave if they have fulfilled the terms of the lease.

I called Kathy today to follow up her and see how she was doing with her new news (I was morbidly curious). At this time they have decided to stay--though their lease is up at the end of July. Their thinking is that someone will eventually officially notify them, whether it is a family member, the bank telling them the home is in foreclosure or a probate court.

They are also setting aside the rent money so that they can show they have tried to pay it. They have written a statement, attached it to this month's rent, saying the owner had refused to give them his address or any way to get in touch with them other than a disconnected phone number. They put that in the same envelope as the rent. I am not advising them on this one, but I did tell them to call me when they are ready to find another home.

So, fellow landlords, it might be a really good idea to give your tenants a few ways to contact you. And, it might be a good idea for your heirs to contact your tenants in the unlikely event something unfortunate happens to you.

Happy Independence Day

Here's a little ditty about perspective.

The Greatest

And The Game Continues

I am pleased to say I got the banks to stop calling my cell phone at all random hours of the day. In fact, there is now only one bank who calls us. Every day at 8:36 a.m. Depending upon my mood, I will speak with them. Though I have talked to the "asset manager" there a couple of times and am not sure why we aren't on the same page. We are on the same page with all the other mortgage companies. I am kind of impressed though. This company has the least stake in the game and they are fighting hardest.

The calls are always from someone who sounds like he or she is working in a call center. Their accent is thick and not an American English dialect I am familiar with. In fact, in whatever call center training they are getting nobody has told them about American English colloquialisms. I once asked one of them where they were originally from and she named a city I later figured out was "Santa Fe." She pronounced it "San-te-a-fe-a."

Lately, the calls are pretty standard. They announce who they are (today was Travis). They ask if I am who I am. I always reply with a dull, "Can I help you?" and they continue on with their script. About two minutes after they come up for air, the next time I am to interact with them is when the poor unassuming person on the other end says, "Is this a good time to talk."

I always answer "No," and they promptly ignore me and proceed to the crux of the call. It has to be part of their script, because they all say the same thing, "I have very important information to share with you about your mortgage. Will you verify your social security number please?"

At this point, I will either say a few random things. Usually I just say No. But I have been known to change it up once or twice and ask if they would like to give me their social security number first. Every time I do this, the person on the other end gets flustered. Yesterday she ("Jane" or "Jean") said, "I don't think you need my number." When I refused to give mine to her, she then asked for my address--which I did provide. Much to my surprise, Jane (Jean?) announced I was wrong.

Then Jane (Jean?) said that I was to get the real Mrs. Landlord to call her back because I can't verify who I say I am.

Today when I talked to Travis, before he could get to the part where he asked my social security number, I interrupted and asked for an asset manager. I have spoken with asset managers at this mortgage company before. Today's request was going to be to have these yahoos stop calling. Period. Sometimes when I ask to speak with an asset manager I am told there is nobody there with that title. One person offered me the call center floor manager. "Do they have the authority to make decisions about my loan?" I asked. No. They didn't.

However, Travis seemed to have his A game on. He offered to transfer me to the person I wanted to speak with. I told him she was assigned to my case and I would be happy to discuss this with her. After waiting on hold for a few minutes, I was told no asset manager was available but Travis' boss would talk to me. And then "Mick." was on the phone. His first question was to ask who I was, and why I was on the phone with him. "Your company called me. Don't you know?"

Apparently he did not. We went a few rounds of this before we parted ways. But no matter. This mortgage company will call later today: at 2:17 p.m. and then again tomorrow at 8:36 a..m. where we can have another go.