Random Bama

Ms. Kathy came through. Apparently there wasn't a cat fight, instead a Southern woman, ultra-polite conversation, that included gardening tips.

Thankfully, Carolsue went with the girl-friend approach this time, but she did ask Ms. Kathy why my children should forgo Christmas because Ms.Kathy didn't feel up to paying the rent. Carolsue also explained I wasn't a trust fund baby, and I wasn't running a charity. There were a few other shame comments, which will hopefully afford Ms. Kathy and I a better relationship in the long run.

________________________________________

Speaking of Ms. Kathy, she lives in Mr. Smith's former home. For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Smith, I certainly wish I could join you.

Essentially: he was my absolute worst tenant. He lived in my home for five months rent-free before I was able to get a court date. Then, he made me haul myself to Birmingham to get in front of a judge. Mr. Smith didn't show, so I won--which I would have anyway. At that point, he and his family moved directly across the street to his father-in-law's home--which is where he has been blissfully residing ever since.

Apparently he still doesn't have a job. He is still mooching off his once retired father-in-law, who has gone back to work. Mr. Smith's wife has also gotten a job and the Smith kids are in daycare instead of at home with the unemployed and unmotivated Mr. Smith.

The father-in-law, one of the original homeowners on this quiet patch of street, is now shunned by his neighbors and treated like a pariah. A very sad situation. He could kick them out, but that would probably mean alienating his daughter and grandchildren.

Now let's all take a moment to a thank whom or whatever you wish to thank that you aren't related to Mr. Smith.

_____________________________________________________

Mr. Green called Carolsue Friday. His dryer doesn't work and wants me to do something about it. When Carolsue finally got to the crux of the situation, it turns out Mr. Green felt that the issue was the 220 electrical outlet that suddenly stopped working after 20 years and not his ancient dryer that was the problem. And, would I please call the electrician immediately to take care of this?

Carolsue kindly explained that it would be best to make sure the plug worked before I called the electrician (and am not sure the electrician would be so charitable to take care of another one of my homes given I haven't paid him yet for the electrical fire at the Leeds house). Mr. Green and Carolsue went back and forth with this for several minutes before he opted to test out the plug and his dryer. He is supposed to call her back if it is really the outlet.

Note to Mr. Green, get a grip.

Cross Your Fingers

From what I understand, Ms. Kathy is supposed to pay the remaining October and all of November rent to me today. Just to be sure she and I were on the same page, I called her Wednesday, leaving a message, verifying this was the case.

Ms. Kathy decided the most prudent option when facing a landlord wanting money would be to text me. After all, why deal with me on the phone when a little old text would do. In her message she said she would deposit into my bank account most of her rent on Thursday and then deposit the remainder Friday. And, was that ok?

Because I figured I would be slightly more diplomatic texting her back instead of calling her, I did so. I let her know based on the state of our current relationship it probably would be best for her to keep up her end of the bargain and give me all the money at once. Just like we agreed to. I said I was uncomfortable with her changing the rules of engagement this far into the process.

What do you know! Ms. Kathy had cell minutes left. She called me immediately to broker the deal. The way I let it stand, she would still get in touch with Carolsue (something I was pretty sure she wasn't interested in doing), give her all the money she owes me on Dec. 3. She could not leave cash on Carolsue's doorstep. Nope. She had to meet in person.

I half-expected her to balk at seeing Carolsue. After all, I can't say I blame her. I had a back-up plan in place just in case, I was going to send her to Legal Eagle. Then, if I had to go to court for an eviction, Legal Eagle would be able to identify her to the judge.

To Ms. Kathy's credit, she never once mentioned the verbal torture Carolsue bestowed upon her. I did offer her a slight reprieve. Ms. Kathy can mail in December's rent--due on the 15th--as long as the check doesn't bounce.

Will Ms. Kathy come through today? I am not willing to take that bet. Logistically, I would think she should be able to do this. I know she gets her widow's benefits today. But, I am not believing anything until the money is in the bank.

Looking Forward

Marty Sunshine were out for our quiet Wednesday lunch when we ran into Mr. Partner. Being the good partners we are, I suggested a lunch meeting for the following Wednesday just to go over a few of the nitty gritty odds and ends. But, also to look at building a brighter future.

I found it interesting that Mr. Partner sees things the way I do. We made decisions last year based on our current situation. Those decisions directly affect some of the circumstances we have encountered this year: Mrs. 508, Mr. Richards, Ms. Betty.

Though we are older and wiser now, he agreed those were the right decisions at the time. I hope so. Mabye if I had held out for a better tenant for the 508 house we wouldn't have had so much drama. Or, maybe I would have had a meth lab. Maybe if I had waited for someone other than Ms. Betty my life would have been more peaceful. Or. maybe I would have had a burning oiled cross affixed to the driveway of the Leeds house.

My main contention for the next year is that it will be a year of rebuilding. Two summers ago we got a gift from a tenant who sold thier interests, giving us an influx of cash to get by. This past summer we lived through several changes but came out the better for it. I firmly believe our tenants right now are quality. I am even willing to work with Ms. Kathy, provided she wants to work with me.

We will probably have to make some difficult decisions in the near future. Actually, it will be Mr. Partner who has to make these difficult decisions. As I have been living with this for years, I know the obvious answers. We will probably have to figure out a way to get an influx of cash. Do we bring in another partner? Do we sell a home or two (provided the market will allow us to do so)? Do we ask a private investor for assistance? I have my thoughts. Marty and I have bandyied around a few ideas. Now it is time to get Mr. Partner on board.

Our little business is fledgling but far from sunk. I believe it is time to look at rebuilding and moving forward. I think we can. But it will be a long process.

The One Where We Talked About Nothing

Marty Sunshine wanted to give Mr. Partner an update on Monday. "Can we tell him all the rents are in?" he asked.

"Yea, except I am waiting for a last installment from Ms. Kathy. And I know he ok'd helping her out, but I don't know if you really want to explain her payment plan or that I totally expect her to screw up December's rent. He tends to panic when I give him hypothetical scenarios."

"Ok, I will leave that part out. How about everyone else?" he asked.

"That sounds good. Except I am holding one rent until Friday, so you may not want to explain that. The reason was pretty personal. I am certain the check won't bounce, they had a family emergency."

"Never mind. I will just skip that part of the update. Can I tell him all bills are paid?"

"Sure! Except I got a bill for the electrician I haven't paid. But then you would have to explain the electrical fire. And I am expecting a bill from the window guy. Did you tell him about the window?" I asked.

"Forget it. What can I tell him?" he asked.

"Well, nothing is going on right now. Why not just tell him that?" I said.

Marty considered it for a moment and finally said, "I think I will just skip this week's update."

Waxing Philosophic

"You know, you really don't want to criticize people who have purple hair. It's just not safe."

--Carolsue

For the Record

There was money in an envelope attached to Carolsue's door when she went outside on Saturday morning. No name, no explanation. And, because she wasn't expecting money from anyone else and it was the exact amount we were expecting, Carolsue decided it came from Ms. Kathy. I can live with that.

I Would Have Been In Tears Too

I have gotten so spoiled of late. And, I am grateful. Carolsue--bless her!--has been taking it upon herself to handle the stuff that makes me crazy. Namely tenants who can't manage money.

Friday, Carolsue was supposed to meet Ms. Kathy to collect part of my missing rent. So, she hauled herself across town, at the beginning of rush hour, to find out Ms. Kathy stood her up. None-too-pleased for this fool's errand, Carolsue found a pay phone and called Ms. Kathy.

When Carolsue finally got in touch with her, she found out Ms. Kathy decided she needed a car tire more than she needed to pay me. Though I am not privy to the particulars, I understand Carolsue's rant lasted so long that she had to deposit more than a dollar into the phone so she could finish chewing Ms. Kathy out. Ms. Kathy didn't hang up on Carolsue, but instead listened intently to what Carolsue thought of her, her mother and her lineage. Carolsue also told her to start packing, because I was having none of this--though I didn't know it at the time.

Apparently Ms. Kathy called back in tears a couple hours later. She found someone willing to loan her the rest of the money she owes and would show up Saturday morning bright and early to deliver. Let's hope she does. Because there is no telling what I may find out I am willing to do.

The Trade-Off

We have had a lot of repairs of late. I believe my electrican is naming his first born after me. And, I got a postcard from my plumber and his wife on their world-cruise. They wanted to thank me for making it possible.

In the years we have been doing this, I think this is probably the first year where I have had consistant repairs. I understand that once in a while there might be a bee hive in your wall (ok, I don't understand...), and I get that once in a while a flood takes over a basement, but right now I don't think there is a home I own where something hasn't been fixed of late.

Marty Sunshine and I were discussing this. The first few years we did this I rarely talked to any type of trademen. Generally, a tenant might tell me they had a problem, but they handled it themselves. When we started discussing, it occurred to us, that the major difference is that we have better tenants now.

My best guess is better tenants expect a better quality product. Lower quality tenants don't tend to mention the broken window, electrical issue or gas leak, because they don't want me to notice the rent is late. Simply put, lower quality tenants have lower expectations. And, I would much rather pay for an electrican bill than a lawyer's bill.

Don't Try This At Home

One of my tenants is having a bit of an issue. She has been renting from me for more than a year.

Ms. Jane was doing just fine. Everything was going swimmingly until a few months ago when she bounced a check. From what I understand, she took a check from her daughter, paid bills on it and her daughter's check bounced, thus causing a lot of chaos in Ms. Jane's life.

As soon as her rent check bounced and before I even knew, she sent me an e-mail and called me letting me know this happened. However, she apparently had bounced several checks. From what I understand, she ran up more than $1,000 in bank fees alone.

Though things are ok with her and I, I spoke with her yesterday. She has not caught up since she had this fiasco. And, to make matters worse, she thought she could do a payday loan to just take care of what she owed, get caught up with her bills and then just pay back the payday loan. So, she went online, put in a bunch of personal information about her life, and then had a change of heart. She couldn't do it. She didn't take out the payday loan.

However, the payday loan people didn't see it that way. They took money out of her bank account, signed her up for a variety of online programs that she (and I) have never heard of and have debited her account. Now sadly she is overdrawn again.

I suggested she contact the Alabama Attorney General's Office to see if she could recoup some of her losses. She warned me never to do a payday loan and told me to tell everyone I knew to do the same. No problem!

At This Rate, I Could Drive Over and Do It Myself

Stop me if you have heard this before: EVERYTHING MOVES SLOWER IN THE SOUTH.

You would think--even if nobody is making this window any more, which apparently nobody is--it would be a simple process of making a frame, cutting some glass and slapping the finished product on to the house in Leeds. For whatever reason, this is not the case. How long would you think it would take to get a window replaced? A week? Two weeks? Nope. 45 days.

Of course this handy-dandy notice comes via Carolsue whose window guy turned out to be better than my two window guys. He actually gave Carolsue a quote. I am still waiting for the first company to call me when they arrive at the property and I am waiting for the second company to call me with a quote.

An Early Thanksgiving

All my homes are currently rented, with my biggest issue right now being I need to find a window for the home in Leeds. Thankfully, Carolsue took it upon herself to see if she could have better luck with a glass company than I (thank you!). As I write this, I am crossing my fingers this minor issue will be resolved soon.

Although everything is rented, there are still ups and downs. I have tenants between jobs, which puts me on my toes that there might be changes on the horizon. Ms. Kathy is struggling right now--also keeping me on alert. Mr. Partner and I are working on a few long-term things. But, none of these are instant issues. And, it is a really nice feeling. I don't foresee any of my tenants as deadbeats at this very time. That might change tomorrow. But there is no reason to borrow trouble.

At any rate, I have a wonderful peace about how things are going as of today--one I haven't felt in a while. And, I am grateful for a lull in the excitement.

And Yes, His Name Really is Chip

Ms. Betty left me a broken window. Mrs. Spring wants the window fixed. She apparently is a bit fussy about having the neighbors and cold air coming in at all hours of the night. At one point, her husband offered to fix it. Mrs. Spring, who apparently has some experience with her husband's handyman abilities declined--which is too bad, because it might have happened faster.

Though broken windows aren't something I am terribly familiar with, I have replaced had one or two during my time as a home owner and landlord. All of these windows resided in Arizona. In Arizona, getting a broken window fixed is simple. I call Chip, my glass guy. He comes out, fixes the window. I pay him. We part friends.

When I started this process in Alabama, I figured I would find a Chip-like person who could provide me with a moderate level of service. I am really not terribly particular. As long as they can replace the window, we will probably get along.

I started looking on Monday. First I sent an e-mail to my main contacts over there saying, "Anyone know where I can find someone who can replace a window?" Sadly, nobody did. I now know why.

I then started randomly calling until I found someone who answered the phone. The guy I talked to only handed car windows. But, he sent me to a window company he thought might do the trick. When I called this fabulous company, the woman I talked to didn't understand me and I was having a hard time with her thick drawl. Eventually I understood her to say someone would be going out to the house and they would call me later that day to give me a quote. I heard nothing.

On Thursday, I called another company I found. I got the exact spiel from the person who answered the phone. Except, this time I did get a call a few hours later from Daniel, who said he was on his way to the Leeds house. And, would I be meeting him there? Once we got everything straight (I am in Phoenix Arizona, not Phenix City Alabama) he told me no problem! He would call me when he got there. True to his word, once he arrived, we chatted again. This time he told me he would call me back with a quote. I have heard nothing.

Mrs. Spring is moving in this weekend. And the window isn't fixed. I would feel much worse about it if she hadn't held my lease hostage for a week. I have already been in contact with her, explaining it just isn't done. But it will be. Even if I have to send Chip out there to do it himself.

Shades of Green

In the past few weeks, my new tenants, the Greens, have peppered Carolsue with phone calls. These calls range from inane to trivial.

The first time they called, they wanted to know if Carolsue or I had a key to the home. When Carolsue confirmed, yes, we did, they were surprised! "Why?" they asked. And, why indeed would the landlord have a key to their home? And, is this really a problem when the landlord is 1700 miles away?

Also, Mr. Green recently called Carolsue, asking her to bring over a can of popcorn spray so he could take care of a small patch on the ceiling. And, by the way, the bathroom sink is stopped up.

When I heard about this, I told Carolsue Mr. Green could go to the hardware store, get his own personal can of popcorn spray, fax me the receipt and I would be happy to reimburse the $6.99 if it was so important to him. But, I saw no reason for her to drive over on her own time for such a silly errand. After all, it is not a good idea to set a precedent with having Carolsue run errands for a tenant.

That's when Mrs. Green got involved. Yes, the sink was stopped up--and thank you for calling the plumber--but there was absolutely no way they were going to send me a receipt for the popcorn spray. And oh my! She was horribly embarrassed that her husband would be so petty to ask for something so minor.

Also during that call, Mrs. Green started in with Carolsue, explaining how her elderly mother--who is living with them--thinks I am a cheapskate because I had the downstairs potty replaced (it was cracked and leaking) and I didn't replace the upstairs one. Momma wanted Mrs. Green to call me immediately and demand I replace the toilet. Instead, Mrs. Green went to the local hardware store, bought a new seat and Momma now thinks I replaced the entire toilet.

And finally, a few days after this call, Mrs. Green called Carolsue. Could she have my bank account number so she could deposit the rent in my account? She didn't want it to be late. Of course rent isn't due for a few more weeks. Carolsue gently explained that she could just put a stamp on the envelope and send it to me. It would be ok.

Yep, I think I am going to like the Greens.

Guido Sue

I gave Ms. Kathy until Tuesday morning to call me with a solution to her situation. I told her specifically, if she didn't call, I would assume we weren't working together anymore. Though I am no Ms. Kathy, it seemed to me that was a pretty simple directive.

Meanwhile, I talked to Carolsue and told her if I didn't hear from Ms. Kathy, I would let Carolsue know and she could serve her. Truthfully, I did not want a vacant home around the holidays. Even if Ms. Kathy left right away. And, if she left it reasonable clean and Carolsue had nothing better to do than spit-shine it in no time, it would probably sit vacant until at least January.

So, when I called Carolsue at 1 p.m. my time on Tuesday to give her the go-ahead, she said, "I just walked in the door. There is money in your account now."

Apparently, Carolsue had as much of an expectation of Ms. Kathy calling as I did. So, she took it upon herself to call Ms. Kathy. Carolsue told her she was on her way to Ms. Kathy's house to serve her or pick up money. And, which did Ms. Kathy prefer?

Carolsue also gave Ms. Kathy one of her patented tongue lashings she reserves for the most foolish of my tenants. Though I don't know if it will sink in, hopefully Ms. Kathy will get it together. Because right now all my homes are occupied. And it is a very nice feeling.

The End is Near

There are some basic rules in life. These aren't things that any institution of higher learning will offer you. My own children, who have very little structure to their education, could even pass this test: be nice to others, play by the rules, eat your veggies and don't annoy your landlord to the point where she decides to kick you out.

Pretty darn simple, don't you think?

Ms. Kathy lost every once of good will she had with me on Monday. You see, Ms. Kathy and I had rent drama in September. Everything worked out ok, but a simple call saying rent was going to be sent a week late might have gone far to ensure I didn't get all twitchy.

But she didn't. She made me chase her down. Then, she got a tongue lashing from Carolsue. I would think that alone would make anyone shape up. I know it scares me.

In October, Ms. Kathy called me on the day rent was due and asked for an extension. You see, she is a widow and is on social security. So, would it be a problem to pay a couple week's late when her check arrived? Additionally, she assured me she had gotten a part-time job so there shouldn't be any problems in the future.

Sadly, Ms. Kathy didn't send her check until Saturday--many days after she promised it. I only found this out because I called her and said, "Where's the rent you promised?"

Sunday I sent her an abrupt, yet polite, e-mail. I told her I would appreciate the same courtesy returned that I have extended her up until this point. I have been happy to work with her, but I would not be made a fool. If she says she is mailing the rent on a certain date, then that is what I am going with: her word. I also thanked her for sending the rent check and asked her if the next one would be on time.

She wrote me saying she just paid the electric out of her rent money so my rent check is going to bounce. Also, the reason she was late was because she needed to go to the dentist, her daughter's car had been impounded and other bills that aren't my problem. She ended it with, "I don't know what to do."

She didn't know what to do???

After my voice mail to her, explaining that she missed the part of my e-mail where I said I wouldn't be made a fool, I didn't expect to hear from her. But she surprised me and called anyway.

I give her props for being brave enough to talk to me. I wasn't very nice in my voice mail and when I got on the phone with her my mouth was in over-drive. I told her I too am a mother. I have gone with a tooth ache so my kids could have a roof over their head. I told her there is no reason to pay for electricity if there was no place to use it and it wouldn't be fun to live in her car. I also told her I didn't relish evicting her, but I have even kicked out a mother with a three-week old baby so I could do a widow at Thanksgiving (I didn't tell her that I suspect there is a special place in hell for me for evicting the baby, but I digress...).

I didn't offer her solutions. This isn't my problem. But I recommended she figure it out and let me know how that check can be current. Sell something? Payroll advancement? A relative? I find people are more innovative when their backs are to a wall. And, my tolerance for BS is at an all-time low.

And, now I am going to pray I don't have to evict a widow on to the street during the holidays. But it looks like I probably will.

********************************************************

And on another note, Happy Birthday to my dear friend and lawyer in training. Law school will be over before you know it.

A Little Ray of Sunshine

I had barely hung up with Artie on Monday morning when the phone rang before 8 a.m. Again.

This time it was my tenant, Ms. Angie. She called to tell me she was a grandmother! Her daughter had a baby girl. And, she was sending me a photo to my phone. I could recieve pictures on my phone? Right?

Angie was darn near giddy. And she wanted to share her news with me, her landlord.

For the record, the baby is adorable.

A Happy Ending

So Mark and Jean are renting out thier home in Phoenix. They would be here, living in their home had life not taken some turns. Mark has been currently deployed to Arkansas, and isn't sure where he will be going after that. Jean and their daughter are hanging out with him. They have been there two years thus far.

While they have been away, I have been coordinating renters for them. They had one for six months. That family moved out. They had another for two months. That family moved out too. Then they had a third who have been graciously hanging out, keeping the place spit-shined (I drive by) for a year now.

Last month Jean sent me an e-mail. Her current tenants filed bankruptcy. "That isn't a big deal is it?" she asked.

Well yes. It can be. But it doesn't have to be. I immediately e-mailed her her and said "CALL ME!" The subtext was, "Do I have a horror story for you."

There is a big difference between owning a gazillion homes with a partner and owning one you weren't planning on moving out of in the first place. I didn't exactly want to give Jean my horror story, but I wanted her to be prepared. And in doing so, I told her all I know.

Bankruptcy laws are federal, not state-by-state or on a case-by-case basis. If a tenant opts to file bankruptcy on their landlord they can do so. But don't expect the landlord to be all that excited. And, a landlord can petition the court to ask your tenants to leave sooner than later (though Howie the Hack never got around to it--they left on their own instead). But, if the bankruptcy takes six months before the hearing and you do nothing or the court doesn't care, the tenats stay six months rent-free before they give up the house.

I also told Jean, the best case scenario is the tenants kept paying rent. After all, if they have a bankruptcy, they aren't going to rent a home as nice as theirs for a very loooong time. So, it is in the tenants' best interests to pay for where they live.

Monday night I got a text from Jean. She got December's rent. It was music to their ears, as they had no idea what they would do if the tenants didn't pay. Mark has a top-secret clearance that will go away if he has a foreclosure or short sale on his record. And, they aren't in a position to carry the extra mortgage for more than a month or two.

I wish my bankruptcy folks had been half as honorable. But, at least they left. Otherwise they would have stayed from June to November rent free.

Ineptitude Exhausts Me

I really thought I kicked the nap-a-day habit I started three weeks ago when I got sick. I hadn't taken a nap since Tuesday! I was doing just fine, wondering if there was some sort of reward, like a gold star, one might obtain when they are awake for a total of 8 hours at a time two days in a row. Sadly, I didn't earn my chip.

It wasn't my fabulous lunch with a dear friend today that wore me out, or my mother coming over to babysit that taxed my energy levels. Oh no. It was the Springs.

When I relayed my latest incident to Carolsue she said, "You know, sometimes I think, 'bless their heart, they had a run of bad luck'. But with these two, I am now thinking 'bless their hearts, they are just morons'."

You see, I got the lease back from Mrs. Spring. I went to print it out, sign my name on the signature page so she could get the utilities turned on when I found out she sent me every page of the lease, except the signature page. Now, it might just be me, but if I am trying to rent a house--and even if I am a renter virgin--I would still know that I need to send the second party the signature page of a contract. And, if I could send every page except the signature page, I might rightly assume the other party would think I was an idiot.

Instead of calling Mrs. Spring an idiot, I wrote her back, telling her to please resend the signature page. Until I got it, we didn't have a lease. And, I was ok with that. I was already envisioning less annoying people living in this home.

To her credit, Mrs. Spring sent over a document lighting quick. However, she sent me the signature page from her rental application. You know, the document I look at before I approve them. It isn't really like you can confuse the two pieces of paper. One says "Please include a photo ID with this APPLICATION." The other just has a place for a LANDLORD to sign. An honest mistake, I am sure.

When I opened up her newest document, I was on the phone with Carolsue. When I told her Mrs. Spring flubbed this up, Carolsue said, "Send the e-mail to me. Don't write her back. I doubt you would say anything tactful at this point."

And this would be a problem why?

I told Carolsue these clowns had until 8 a.m. Friday morning to send me ONE MEASLY PIECE OF PAPER WITH THEIR SIGNATURES or all bets are off. I was putting an ad in the paper and they could spend Christmas in the 700 square foot falling down trailer. A just reward for this level of ineptitude.

Then I went upstairs and crawled under the covers.

Ms. Candy's Bad Weekend

On Friday, I found out Artie and Candy bounced the rent check. Oh dear. At first, I called Candy. She hasn't set up her voice mail just yet. So, it was on to Artie. Actually, Carolsue called Artie, because she has a Birmingham number. Artie called me back in no time flat.

Artie acted floored. Which is usually the reaction I hear--whether legit or not. I was skeptical. As Candy wrote the check, Artie assured me knew nothing about this and he would find out what was going on and call me in an hour.

Forty-nine minutes later, Artie called. "Ms. Landlord? Let me put Ms. Candy on the phone with you." Before I could even say, "ok," Candy was on the phone. Meekly she told me she would make this right. What did they need to do? When I talked to Candy she sounded like she wanted to be anywhere but on the phone with me or dealing with Artie. This was not the way she was intending to start her weekend.

When she and I were done, I hung up, figuring there was a 50/50 chance this would be resolved quickly like she said it would. Not five seconds later, Artie called back. "Ms. Landlord?"

"Please call me by my first name." I said.

"No ma'am. I have done you wrong and we aren't square right now. I will do no such thing. I owe you money." I was guessing at that moment, the odds of this being rectified just shot up significantly. Artie went on to tell me this would not happen again. I had his word.

On Saturday, the bank wasn't open, so I gave them until 11 a.m. Monday to deposit the money in my account--complete with a late fee. I was intending to have them served at work at noon if they didn't come through. At 7:45, Artie called, the money was in my account. And, he assured me, this was a one-time problem.

Stick a Fork in Me

I am burned out on the Springs. When I woke up Tuesday, I was mad at myself for giving in to these folks. And though they may turn out all right, the fact is I have violated my basic rules as a business owner and landlord: never, ever, ever work with clowns. Ever.

Sadly, I recognize the desperation in this decision. We weren't getting a lot of traffic. The holidays are coming. The neighbors are crazy. Even in Leeds, where the level of sophistication is significantly lower than many other more cosmopolitan areas, like say, Hooterville, it is still hard to rent out a house under these circumstances.

The reason I was open to them to begin with was because they sounded employed, responsible and mature (and for the most part, they still do). Most likely the Springs will stay for a few years, put down roots and leave me alone for the duration of their lease. They won't care about the weekly meetings of the redneck mafia or the people with the rusted out junked out cars in their front yard.

All Mrs. Spring wants is a home where her grandchildren can come visit. The house in Leeds is at least one and a half, if not twice, the size of her trailer. To her, it is her Buckingham Palace.

But I still am hating myself for giving in. I know better. I was lamenting this to Carolsue on Tuesday, and also pointing out the Springs haven't turned in their lease. And, couldn't the very act of not turning in the lease could be construed as a voidable contract?

As a way of getting me off the phone, Carolsue decided to call Mrs. Spring and remind her that we weren't going any further until I had a lease, and it might be in her best interest to send it. NOW. Meanwhile I decided to start returning voice mails from my ad last weekend.

I am really glad I did. I have found a few people who might fit the bill a bit better. One woman knew exactly where the home was. She had deposit money and rent money. When could she move in? Another man had his landlord die and now the estate was selling the home. He grew up in the area. He was also interested. And, they were willing to pay more for rent than the Springs.

At that point, I started hoping the Springs would just blow off the lease. The grass was greener and I didn't already hate these possible prospective tenants. And, even if they didn't take the place, it reminded me the perfect tenant is just around the corner. Even in Leeds. But, even if the Springs ended up performing, I have learned my lesson: never, ever indulge clowns.

Around 5 p.m. Carolsue called me to break my euphoria. Mr. Spring had driven the 40 miles into town for the expressed purpose of bringing the lease to Mrs. Spring for them both to sign. However, he "forgot" to bring the lease with him. So, they needed me to resend it. It was on Mrs. Spring's other e-mail on her home computer. "You know she has a g-mail account right?" I asked Carolsue. "She could just pull up the e-mail from anywhere." Of course, this was really Mrs. Spring's way of saying they were just getting to it. She assured Carolsue they would be faxing it over immediately.

I was crestfallen Mrs. Spring had called needing a new copy of the lease. I am sure Mr. Spring was even more crestfallen.

I still haven't received the lease. And, if I don't have it this morning, I am done.

Renter Virgins

I am pretty much done with the Springs. They made Legal Eagle waste a bunch of time on Friday. They are bugging the heck out of Carolsue. They asked for concessions on the rent. They want the deposits broken down. There is nothing attractive about this. Anyone I have ever dealt with that fits this profile has caused me nothing but grief.

However Marty Sunshine and Carolsue are pulling rank. They both think the Springs rock. Or, perhaps they think the Springs are the best we are going to get for the Leeds home and let's not quibble about the annoying things when we have someone naive enough to want to live in that neighborhood. Either way, they both think the Springs are worth the hassle.

The main difference with the Springs and anyone else--and the only reason why I am even listening to Carolsue and Marty Sunshine is that the Springs aren't professional renters. In thier 50s, they haven't rented in 30 years. This is brand new territory. You need a deposit to rent a home? That's a new one for these folks. They really didn't know.

They are, as Carolsue dubbed, "Renter Virgins." They are acting like they are buying a home. Negotiating this. Negotiating that. They are quibbling about little things which only annoy me--the landlord.

I am at the point where I just don't care. Sign the lease. Don't sign the lease. Let me get on with my life. When I shared this with Carolsue, she offered to call Mrs. Spring and shame her.

Apparently she explained to Mrs. Spring how her husband embarrassed me with Legal Eagle by making her wait around an extra hour and a half. She also mentioned I pay Legal by the hour (which hopefully in this case I won't be billed for). She mentioned that they have already used up all their favors and coming back to me asking for the deposits broken down because, as Mrs. Spring wrote me, "I also have two young grandchildren with birthdays next weekend. I don't plan to neglect their birthdays" isn't a good way to start this relationship.

Carolsue apparently got it through Mrs. Spring's head--they are living on borrowed time. So, don't ask for anything else. Ever.

I am crossing my fingers Carolsue and Marty are right about this one. If the Springs rent, I don't want tons of stuff to write about down the road that involves these clowns. Because I am pretty burned out on any topic that involves the Leeds home.

Nah... It Isn't Real

I think I am happy all my properties are in the United States. Or, at least I am happy I don't have anything to rent in the United Kingdom.

I got an e-mail from this fellow on Saturday. This is it--exactly as I received it:

Good day to you over there,i am Reverend Williams by name,i saw this unit been advertised on craigslist.com and am much more interested in renting it having read the details about it in the ad which really suites my taste.I will be signing a one year lease or more for the unit depending on how the area is conducive for my daughter and I,i will want to know the modalities in renting it and the actual price to pay per month ,i will be working with the Christian Centers in the city and will be living with my lovely daughter(Lowrie) whom is 12years old.I will be looking forward to hear from you as soon as possible as i will want to conclude the rental process before i arrive on the 31st of October.
Regards
Rev Williams

I wrote him back, explaining that it would be a long commute for the good reverend. And, good luck in securing something.

However, I don't believe for a moment this is legitimate. I have seen way too many variations of this in the past year. I have seen British missionaries, British farmers, British insurance salesmen, British chefs, British nannies and British dog walkers. The pattern is always the same--a poorly written e-mail announcing their occupation and an urgency to move.

I have a hard time believing there are so many potential tenants in England with poor planning skills and even worse written communication skills. Even the people contacting me in Leeds Alabama aren't consistantly this bad.

My guess is if I had egged him on (and if I felt better, I might have), I would have found out he was going to send me a hot check for me to divy out between six other people. Generally when I get these e-mails I go along with it out of morbid curiosity. I used to think there was some misunderstanding between Leeds England and Leeds Alabama, US, but that has never been the case.

Perhaps the good reverend is really on the level? If so, the British masses before him who wrote similar e-mails have will made it difficult for this poor guy.

The Winter of My Discontent

I absolutely believe the most I will ever learn about a tenant is from the time they decide they want the home until they sign the lease. This has certainly been the case with the Springs.

When Mrs. Spring told me they wanted the home, I figured this would be such a simple process. She would fill out the application. She would fax me the application. She would put down a modest deposit to hold the home so I would stop advertising it. She would then fill out the lease, return it to me, bring me the rest of the security deposit and the first month's rent. At that point Carolsue would meet Mrs. Spring out at the home and hand her the keys. How hard could this be?

The big monkey wrench is that Mr. Spring wants to continue living in his 700 square foot broken down trailer 40 miles from the outskirts of Birmingham. He owns it free and clear. He really doesn't understand Mrs. Spring's obsessive need to move closer to her job, civilization and have a functioning home. After all, it is free.

This week I have witnessed the behind the scenes dynamics of this marriage. They originally were interested in the home. Then Mr. Spring called Carolsue saying they changed their mind. Then Mrs. Spring called me saying "we changed our minds again." I suspect in this case, "we" really is Mrs. Spring and Mr. Spring happens to enjoy being married.

Of course, it would help her case if Mrs. Spring was a bit more cooperative as well. On Friday morning, I hadn't received the application. Before I went out on my errand, I called her. Yes, she was going to send it in. However, she needed Mr. Spring's signature. She would be getting it at lunch. And, by the way, could she give a modest deposit to Legal Eagle so I would stop advertising? Of course, that would be fine. And remember, it has to be certified funds, not a personal check.

Mrs. Spring was thrilled. They could handle that. And, great! Then they could move in right? Um. No. I would need a lease--which comes after the application, which I hadn't received yet--the remainder of the security deposit and the rent. At that point they can have the keys.

"Oh." Mrs. Spring said, with disappointment resonating through the phone line. "I was hoping to move in this weekend. I might have to break the deposits down."

"I don't do that." I said.

"Oh. That might be a problem."

Yes, I can see that. In fact, I see several problems.

Though this issue hadn't been resolved, Mrs. Spring opted to help secure her chances by getting Legal Eagle a deposit to hold the home. While having lunch with Mr. Spring, she called Legal Eagle and asked for directions to Legal's office. She was then going to send Mr. Spring out to drop off this money. She assured Legal Eagle he would be there by 3 p.m. That worked out well. Legal Eagle was leaving at 3 p.m.

At 3 p.m. Mr. Spring called Legal Eagle's office and asked who he should make the check out to. Legal Eagle explained it had to be certified funds. I didn't tell her to say this, she knew.

At 3:30 Mr. Spring called asking for directions to Legal Eagle's office. Apparently he didn't understand the ones given to him earlier or threw the earlier directions out. According to Legal Eagle, he was under some sort of mistaken impression this lawyer was waiting for him while standing on a street corner waving a sign saying, "I am Legal Eagle."

At 4 p.m. Mrs. Spring called. Mr. Spring was on his way. Wanna bet Mr. Spring said he wasn't coming and Mrs. Spring changed his mind?

At 4:30, Legal Eagle had graciously waited an hour and a half longer than she should have. She was pulling out of her office parking lot when Mr. Spring called. He was in the area but couldn't find her office. "No problem. I am in my car. I can come to you," she offered. Mr. Spring stammered and made up some sort of lame excuse before dropping this bombshell: he hadn't bothered to get a money order or cashier's check. And, by the way, he wasn't as close as he thought to her office.

Legal Eagle told him, try again Monday. Bring certified funds, get it right and cross your fingers I still have the house available because this was unacceptable. I am guessing Mr. Spring isn't very good at exercising his passive-aggressive tendencies.

When she told me this I stammered, "You scared away a potential tenant!"

"Have you gotten the application yet?"

"Well, no," I replied.

"So you don't really have a potential tenant," She said. "And, he obviously doesn't want the house." She had me there.

After getting bawled out from Legal Eagle who wasted longer than necessary in the office waiting for this guy, he called Carolsue. Apparently he was unaware Carolsue knew anything about this. Carolsue told him she wasn't planning on showing the home this weekend, but if anyone came along, she would. So, if they want the place, it might be a good idea to step it up. The first part would be to turn in the application.

I did get the application late Friday. And, Carolsue got a call at 7:30 Saturday morning from Mrs. Spring. She was terribly sorry for all of this confusion. It is no reflection upon their competence and ability to rent the property. Would it be possible to drive the 40 miles into town and bring a cashier's check to Carolsue? Pretty please?

From what I understand, Mr. Spring came along as well, being metaphorically dragged by his ear. Poor guy. I am guessing Mr. Spring isn't having a very good weekend.

What I Learned This Week

Did you know, if a tenant dies in a landord's home and the body is not discovered for say, five days, a hazmat team will probably have to be deployed? And, did you know most homeowner's insurance policies have a clause covering hazmat clean up?

I'm just saying...

Leeds Update

It is too bad I already used "Hope Springs Eternal" as a title for a blog posting. Because that is really what this one should be named.

Thursday morning, Carolsue graciously waited until 8 a.m. to call me with news. Mr. Spring called her. They have changed their minds. Living in an 800 square foot trailer by the lake with an hour commute (each way) into Birmingham was just not going to work for Mrs. Spring any more. They wanted the house. Or at lease Mrs. Spring wants the house and talked Mr. Spring is going along with it because he doesn't want to hear about it for the rest of his life.

Of course, the only caveat they had was they wanted a rent reduction. I was prepared for that. Though I dislike this game before the application is filled out, in this case, it has already been put on the table by my side. And, I had already planned on reducing the rent anyway. Last week, I figured if I didn't find a tenant by the end of October, I would have to lower the rent anyway.

Mrs. Spring is supposed to fax me the application today. Of course, I won't stop advertising the home until after she has signed the lease and given Legal Eagle a deposit to hold the home. Until then, the home is up for grabs.

Ideally

In between my frequent naps and variety of over-the-counter health remedies of late, I have been toying with the issues around the Leeds house.

So far I have had three seriously interested parties. First I had Mr. Shanty who couldn't afford the joint and talked my ear off. Thus, turning me off to any potential wonderfulness he had long before I was willing to consider him as a tenant. There was Audrey the Pseudo-Criminal who, between Carolsue's wrath and my standard to have potential tenants show a bit of integrity, pretty much eliminated herself from the running--even if she still wanted the place. And, of course, there was the absolutely delightful Mrs. Spring who decided that living where she is currently for free is a much better deal than making rent payments to anyone--including me. It is really hard to compete with free.

Which brings me to my major dilemma: I still have a vacant home.

It has been a month since I started trolling for a tenant. And given the lack of potential tenants, I have a clear understanding of the problem. Nobody is willing to live on this particular street, in Leeds Alabama for what I am charging.

Now, a word about the Leeds home: it is a cute little cottage. It has three bedrooms, two bathrooms, newer carpet and hardwood floors, an indoor laundry, a huge carport/shed, a rather large fenced yard with a deck. The stove, hot water heater and heat pump are in decent condition. The roof doesn't leak. There are about a dozen homes on this quiet country road. And, if you can ignore the fact that one neighbor thinks breaking an entering is an ok hobby, another neighbor collects rusted metal junk and proudly displays it in his front yard and I suspect high-ranking members of informal social networks who thrive on bigotry happen to live down this country road, it is a pretty nice place to live.

It isn't just that I want the house rented. I want it rented to people who aren't going to call me month after month with some lame excuse because they aren't smart enough to solve their own problems. I am not missing the Betty's and I don't want The Bettys, Version 2.0. The Bettys burned me out on lame excuses.

I completely understand whomever rents this home must have a different level of sophistication, from say, my recently vacant homes in the suburbs (the Waterford and bankruptcy homes). But, just because the perfect Leeds tenant doesn't have a suburb mentality doesn't make this future ideal tenant any less quality. People with integrity come from all walks of life.

An ideal tenant doesn't mean one who pays top dollar. What I am looking or is someone who keeps their word. You know, someone who prefers to pay their bills and do what they say they are going to do. While I am making my list, I would also prefer someone who will live there for a few years and take reasonable care of the place. And, in this case, I need a tenant with character attributes to include someone overlooking some of the idiosyncrasies of the neighborhood.

Surely there is another ideal tenant for this home. Even in Leeds.

Seriously, He Thought I Manufactured This?!

If you just joined this saga, then allow me to give you a quick overview of Mrs. 508. Mrs. 508 was a tenant of mine who has an overly optimistic view of life. In addition to that, she seems to feel there isn't much that is her fault. The bad stuff around her happens because of circumstance, not choices.

When the 508s left, they trashed the house. And the insurance adjuster was none too happy to pay out the claim. In fact, they were so unhappy they went after Mrs. 508 for the damages.

Wednesday, I got a call from an adjuster who inherited the loss mitigation portion of this claim and he wanted to chat. You see, Mrs. 508 told him she wasn't living there when all these issues happened, and the damage was done after she moved out, and I knew about the damage and "agreed" to forgive her and (my favorite) it wasn't her fault. What I found incredulous was the adjuster was siding with her!

"Why?" I asked. "Why do you believe her? Do you really think I would make it up or that I would have the presense of mind to fly out there, trash my home, fly back to Arizona and then call in a claim?" Yes. Yes he did.

After the adjuster and I went through this a few times, with me explaining, if Mrs. 508 really wasn't living there, there was no sublease assignment, so she was still on the hook. I would never "agree" to forgive the damage. Despite his assessment, I really wasn't stupid. And I have an eye witness who took the keys from her on June 20 when the place was deemed a disaster--the same day the police were called.

None of this impressed Mr. Adjuster. What did impress him was when I played back the voice mail Mrs. 508 left me on June 22, admitting to the damages, offering me a few dollars. That got his attention.

After I played him the message he said with a different tone in his voice, "Um... Would you mind saving that voice mail a bit longer? I will get back with you." Oh, I think that would be a good idea.

Hope Spings Etenal

Sunday morning my phone rang. "You still got that house in Leeds I seen in the paper?" The caller asked. Of course. As the ad was running THAT Sunday, what are the odds I still have that house in Leeds for rent?

I gave Mr. Caller directions. Sadly, "Ashville" as in "Ashville Road" was too many syllables for this guy. As the conversation was wrapping up, he asked me to hold on while he quieted down what sounded like a pack of dogs.

I heard him say, "Shut up before I put a cap in your hides." Presumably he said this to the animals because then all was quiet. Thankfully I didn't hear any gunshots. Back to me, he asked, "Do I need a deposit?" Yes. Yes you do. And I told him there was a pet deposit as well. "I don't got no pets." He replied.

Not three seconds after I hung up with Mr. Caller, Ms. Spring called. She said all the right things and even talked with a 12th grade vocabulary. However, she was perplexed about why this house was still available after three weeks. "I am looking for someone who is the right fit." I explained, I will take someone with poor credit, but that doesn't mean I will take just anyone. People with good character can have credit issues. People with good credit can have character issues.

As we chatted a bit more, she asked for Carolsue's number just to verify when Carolsue would be showing up today. Talking with Mrs. Spring gave me hope for all humanity, Leeds and a possible tenant. Oh did I mention? Ms. Spring owns a dishwasher!

A few minutes later, I phoned Carolsue, letting her know Ms. Spring was calling. "I talked to her already." Carolsue said. "She wanted to know why the house was still vacant when you will take someone with poor credit. I told her it was the applicant pool you were choosing from."

Apparently Ms. Spring felt better hearing that from a second source. If that doesn't sway her, perhaps Mr. Caller will show up at the same time and that will convince her.

A New Species of Crazy

Last week, Audrey and Carolsue were to meet up at the Leeds house. Because of circumstances beyond any one's control, they didn't. And, when they spoke again last week, Carolsue, wanting to accommodate, agreed to meet Audrey at the Leeds home yesterday for her own personal showing. Carolsue promised nobody else would have an opportunity to view the home until after Audrey had first dibs.

Saturday afternoon Audrey stood Carolsue up. After an hour, the only people to make their way into my fabulous Leeds home to greet Carolsue were the neighbors. In fact, the neighbors were extremely friendly. So friendly, that they told Carolsue how they broke in through the window last week when Carolsue hadn't shown and then let Audrey into the house! And, wasn't that quite neighborly of them?

In only a way that Carolsue can do, she let them have it. When she relayed the story to me, she bandyed phrases as, "all'y'all" and "I'll tell you what?" and other such Southern things that connotate when someone is totally pissed off.

Sadly the neighbors didn't exactly grasp that they had BROKEN INTO THE HOME AND TRESPASSED, instead they were extremely confused as to why Carolsue had a bee in her bonnet about something as neighborly as helping us rent out the home. And by the way, they liked Audrey.

To top it off, Carolsue called Audrey and left her a message saying, "You broke into the home? Next time charges will be filed." Which is kind of a vague threat because I don't have a last name or address for Audrey. In Carolsue's voice mail, she said, "Don't bother to call me back."

Now, I would like to stop here and explain: I am not happy about this. But after careful consideration, Carolsue and I have decided the neighbors thought they were helping. Carolsue has made it clear their help is no longer welcome and I doubt this will be a future issue. The house is fine. Nothing is broken or taken. It just isn't appropriate. Neither Carolsue or I are upset about this in any horrified way. It isn't like we found a meth lab or anything.

In fact, after talking with Carolsue, I figured this was a done deal. After all, Audrey stood up Carolsue (and by the way, she had seen the interior and then made the appointment for this weekend). Carolsue gave her voice mail a tongue lashing that scared me (and I only heard about it). If I were Audrey, I would probably cut my losses and move on.

But, I am not Audrey.

Instead, Audrey innocently called me asking if I left a message on her voice mail. Of course, she knew I didn't. She has caller ID because last week she recognized my number. I played dumb, asking how she liked the home and didn't she just talk to Carolsue at the Leeds home?

Audrey said she didn't make it over and could I please give her Carolsue's number so they could discuss "something." Oh certainly. Anyone willing to call Carolsue after hearing a rant has guts or is missing brain cells. But what do I care? Maybe if she has either she will be perfect for that home. After all, I still am needing a renter. And I am almost desperate enough to entertain Audrey as a candidate.

A few moments later Audrey called me back again. She still hadn't talked to Carolsue. This time she sounded a bit shaken. By way of an explanation, she started the call by saying, "I wanted you to understand one of the neighbors let me in the house. But I didn't break in."

"Oh?" I said.

Audrey then explained how one of the neighbors had come by while they were waiting for Carolsue and offered to show the home. If I understand correctly, Aurey somehow assumeed the neighbor had some sort of magic wand and was able to open the house by walking around back where there are no doors, only windows.

Apparently Audrey assumed (after she found out Carolsue wasn't coming because of car trouble and we had spoken several times during the course of time Audrey was impatiently waiting) that I authorized the neighbor to do this. Of course, when she and I talked last week I didn't mention the neighbor. And, I know I told her Carolsue had the only keys.

Of course, the main point of her call was to convince me she did not break into the home and to please not think of her as the type of person who would commit an illegal activity. She admitted she crossed the threshold but she did not break in. After all, there is a difference. Audrey insisted she was was unsure how the neighbor got in. But please understand, she--Audrey--would never break into a home. I am guessing this woman probably never jaywalked in her life. Tresspassing is a new level of rowdy for Audrey.

My only response to this was a dull, "Are you interested in renting the home?"

Strangely, she said she wasn't sure. Apparently, she has a "few irons in the fire" and can she get back to me?

So Audrey, you called me and gave me this song and dance and you don't even want the house? Ok. Whatever.

My indifference wasn't enough for her, Audrey then called Carolsue. If I was redemption Carolsue was penance.

Audrey used that same lame, "I am not the one who committed a crime and I have no idea how the neighbor got into the house, therefore I am not a criminal," garbage on Carolsue. I didn't call Audrey on her stupidity, but Carolsue sure did.

I am pretty sure by the time Audrey hung up Carolsue had scared Audrey into turning herself into the Leeds police, offering whatever restitution is necessary for someone walking through a vacant home uninvited and offering to pay double taxes to the IRS next year.

When Carolsue called me to report her chat with Audrey I asked if she thought Audrey would call me again. Carolsue seems to think so. I can't decide what I will do if she calls. On one hand, I don't like crazies. And, Audrey seems to have cornered the market on a new species of crazy. On the other hand, Audrey is crazy enough for the neighborhood and the neighbors already like her.

Observation

After dealing with Mrs. Martin's court issue, another water leak at Ms. Angie's home and an icky illness this month, I am ready for just about anything. That even includes another barrage of potential tenants for the Leeds property.

And, just as I was psyching up for the stereotypical inane calls, "Will y'all allow me to add a basement to this home?" and "When you say you don't allow pit bulls, does that mean you won't allow my four pit bulls?", the phone rings with future tenants who either were raised right or have been taking notes from my blog. I got three calls on Friday that started like this, "Good afternoon. My name is Perfect Petunia. I saw you had a home for rent in Leeds? Would I be able to see it this weekend? If not, when would be a good time to schedule a showing?"

I find it interesting the number of people coming out of the woodwork this late in the month looking for a place to live. Generally I see more people looking to move the second and third weekends of the month. However, maybe it is because it is Leeds where things are a bit more um... relaxed, or maybe because there are five weekends in October, for whatever reason potential tenants are showing up now.

At least they are being civilized about it.

Aw...

I got a call from Matt Tuesday. As you recall, Matt is a mortgage guy who took a hiatus for one month to try out being a handyman. After handling two of my properties, he decided the handyman vocation wasn't for him.

Anyway, Matt called with a simple question for me: Do I like being a landlord? I was sorely tempted to give him this blog site. However, then he might think I don't like what I do. And, there are days I don't. But, overall, yes I like being a landlord. I like it more when things aren't so shaky as they have been for the past two years.

There are many interesting points about my conversation with Matt. First, he called me about this. I don't really know him. He knows other local investors. However he told me the investors he has met recently don't have homes as nice as mine. Apparently the ones he has met of late tend to buy the least expensive homes and these are usually in neighborhoods scarier than I shop in. Apparently he was impressed with the variety of homes I have.

Second, he is looking at getting some investors together to start a real estate investment trust. Did I know anything about this? As a matter of fact, I was working on this two years ago when the market tanked, taking all of my best intentions with it. What I told him was talk to Attorney Jon--the man who introduced us to begin with. Attorney Jon is the King Midas of my Birmingham world.

What I really loved about my conversation with Matt was that I was able to talk shop. Matt is a great guy, though I think I will stick with Carolsue and Mr. 114 for my handyman needs. I love sharing what I learned and hearing how others look at real estate investing. Though I have to admit, the other thing I really-really liked about talking to Matt was what it did to my ego. Matt called me--a virtual stranger--to ask my opinion.

Le Sigh

The Waterford home is in the outskirts of Birmingham in a newish subdivision. We bought it several years ago when the community was being developed and right before the market tanked. This particular home is in a "master planned" community, complete with pool, tennis court, club house and nosy neighbors who have nothing better to do than whine to some all-powerful committee when you leave your trash can outside an hour longer than you should.

Normally I don't buy homes in these types neighborhoods. I don't see any reason to pay for additional amenities when I don't get to use them. And, from what I have discovered, my tenants don't use them either. However, I am finding there are those tenants who are drawn to this lifestyle are happy to have the opportunity to have a club house nearby. And there are those who really don't care. Mostly they don't care.

When we bought, this was an up-and-coming community. I happen to think if the housing market hadn't taken a belly flop this neighborhood would have thrived. At the time in Birmingham, this was a new and novel concept concept. Even today, looking around Birmingham, you will be hard-pressed to find middle-class affordable subdivisions offering these types of amenities.

Instead of the Utopia the developer assured homeowners would be their, this neighborhood is now riddled with rentals from desperate landlords who couldn't sell and foreclosures from well-meaning homeowners who bought above their means. For the most part, there are owners who take care of their yards, plan the neighborhood potlucks and do all the neighborly things we all want to see. But, in between the Smith's and the Jones' homes there are two rentals and a foreclosure. On every street.

My Waterford home is one of the Birmingham neighborhoods I tend to watch more closely than others. I am relieved to say right now the house is worth about what I paid for it--maybe a little more or less, depending upon who asks. I am also relieved to say, I don't classify myself as a "desperate landlord."

In the past, I have always managed to get more in rent for this home than I should. If this home were closer in town, right now, I wouldn't blink at my rental price. But, being in a faltering almost-up-and-coming subdivision where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another rental, is making my exorbant rental rate a bit more difficult.

Beginning from the time Mrs. Waterford told me she was moving, I started following Craig's List to see what properties were renting for in this subdivision right now. There are two homes on this street renting for $200 less than I have been getting for rent. Are they in better condition? Do they have new carpet, a privacy fence and a two car garage? I don't know.

Considering I get top dollar and my homes are rented almost instantly in some scary neighborhoods for my homes, it is sad to have to compete way out here in the suburbs and hope I have a tenant within two months. The difference is there are very few rental homes in Birmingham. Rental homes tend to be out in the suburbs. Like this one.

Adding to the rent issue, now that Kirby is involved, I have the added expense of property management to contend with. Given my mortgage, my break even point is still higher than market rents for this area. And, it is hard to convince a tenant they want to pay $100 to $200 more when the same floor plan is for rent three doors down for less-minus the privacy fence.

Kirby brought me a potential tenant Monday. They want to move in Friday. They are both employed, no pets, one child. Her credit isn't great. He is a victim of the local economy and is currently grateful he has part-time employment. They like the house. However, they have been paying attention to the same rental homes I have been watching. They know what the market will bear. They know I am crazy. They know what the home a block away is renting for. When Kirby called, he wanted to know what I wanted to do--come down on my rent or let them walk?

The good news is they are willing to cough up slightly more than market rent for this home. The bad news is what they are willing to come up with, and Kirby's fee doesn't leave us with much of anything other than the mortgage payment and a swell tax deduction when all is said and done.

Fortunately, this home isn't that old. Fortunately, the home is in good condition. Fortunately, we have other homes that do cash flow to cover the expenses. Not having a paying tenant is probably more detrimental to us right now than having a paying tenant who is just covering the mortgage.

I could hold out for more money. But, I probably would become desperate and start lowering my standards. After all, it is my overall experience that people with obscenely horrid credit are willing to pay a lot more than market rent prices because they can't get a better deal. My experience with tenants with obscenely horrid credit is they are obscenely horrid renters. I am not up to dealing with awful renters right now. I would rather have someone babysit my asset and let the values come back up, even if I am not seeing much at the end of the month.

Don't Scare Me Again

Carolsue was scheduled to hold the Leeds home open on Sunday afternoon. Instead, I got a snippy phone call from the Audrey woman asking why the home wasn't open. Audrey completely ignored my astonishment of Carolsue not being there and sighed heavily about how she had been inconvenienced.

When I explained to Audrey I was so sorry Carolsue wasn't there. And would it be too much trouble for her to come back in an hour. Meanwhile, I began to panic.

You see, Carolsue is efficient and reliable. If she wasn't at the open house she was stranded on the side of the road or she was dead somewhere. I didn't see any other options. First, it isn't like her to flake. And second, well, there is no second. She didn't forget the open house. Because she lives alone, I had other concerns that if something happened to her nobody might find out right away. At any rate, normally level-headed me went into full Carolsue search mode.

An hour later, after I had tried Carolsue's home number in vain a few more times Audrey called back, again asking why the home still wasn't open. Again still not seeing this as an issue, I explained I was very motivated to rent the house out and I am happy to consider her, but the person who was supposed to show it is MISSING--most likely with car trouble. However, could Audrey please constitute this a minor emergency and could her issue kindly take a back seat to a missing person??? Audrey begrudgingly acquiesced.

Meanwhile, through the miracle of Facebook, I located Carolsue's daughter to see if she knew what happened to her. I also tried the cell number I had for Carolsue's son-in-law. Sadly, they were not available. Baseball Guy and Nephew Jon are currently in Texas, so calling them seemed to be a moot point. And, I toyed for a moment of calling my tenant Angie and asking her to swing by Carolsue's home and see if Carolsue was there and breathing. But, I decided not to. Finally, I called the Birmingham police and asked them to drive by and see if she was home--and more importantly--alive.

Poor Carolsue. Her car broke down about a mile from the Leeds house. Without a cell phone or a way to contact anyone, she was stuck until a sweet tow truck driver gave her and her car a ride home (She happens to be the only human being on Earth without a cell phone. And I mean that. Even my 36-year-old brother who shuns every invention created in the past 20 years as a fad, finally got a cell phone). Though I am sorry her car broke down, I was relieved she was breathing.

When she called me, she apologized for not holding the house open. Like I explained to her, I can always get more potential tenants. I can't get another Carolsue.

A Day In The Life

Lest you think I have nothing better to do than make up tales about pool of potential tenants I meet, nope. It is all real. And, it seems the ones in Leeds Alabama are always the most colorful. With the exception of Boo, who owns the cash-only locksmith and gun shop behind Augie's Bar in Downtown Leeds, this has pretty much been my experience with everyone in Leeds Alabama.

Carolsue and I had the following e-mail exchange on Saturday. Here is what she wrote me:

So, it's like 3:30 and the phone rings.

This old lady says to me, "Are you the lady that's supposed to show me the house?"

I replied, "If you're talking about the house in Leeds, then yes, I suppose I am."

She says, "I'll can be there in about 30 minutes, can you give me directions?" (First how does she know she can be there in about 30 minutes, if I need to give her directions so she will know where it is?? Secondly, could you say hello and perhaps even - I know this is a LOT to ask - give me your name??)

I replied, "No ma'am, I cannot be there in about 30 minutes. However, I am going to be there tomorrow between 1 and 4 if you would like to come by at that time, I'll be happy to show the house to you."

She says, "You won't do it now?"

I replied, "No ma'am, I can't."

She says, "Well, I certainly don't know why on earth not!"

Somewhat taken aback and not wanting to be rude, I simply repeated myself, "I will be there tomorrow if you want to see it then you are welcome to come."

She says, "Well, how about you just tell me where it is and I'll drive out there today all by myself (she added emphasis to that) and see if it is even something I'd be interested in?"

I replied, "Sure, that sounds like a great idea." Then I gave her directions. However, I don't think she is going to find it because when I told her to turn by the Sonic and the elementary school and go over the tracks, she kept saying, "I know that street, it goes to downtown Leeds." First, is there a downtown Leeds? And secondly, no it does not. After the third time that I repeated the directions (because that street does not go to downtown Leeds - providing there is actually a downtown Leeds) and her steadfastly insisting that it most certainly does, I gave up.

Having said that, I think she will be perfect for the neighborhood. Judging by her rudeness and aggressiveness, I also don't think anyone would dare to come onto the property while she lives there so no hacksaws will ever be found beneath that house again!

In my mind I pictured her looking something like the picture below. This is her after she found the moron across the street in her shed. I'll let you know if she shows tomorrow.

And my response to Carolsue's e-mail:

Ah yes! The rude lady! Her name is Audrey or something. I got a text from her this morning with JUST A PHONE NUMBER, called back, left a message. She called me back and said, "did you just call me?" I don't know lady, did you listen to your voice mail???

Anyway, I told her I had gotten a text from that number... and before I could continue, she barked, "It wasn't from me. I don't text. I never text."

I told her, my mistake, apologized, told her I am sure I dialed the wrong number and hung up.

She then called back two minutes later (as if none of the previous conversation had NEVER happened) and told me she was interested in the house and could she see it in the afternoon.

I told her I was out of town, but I had a family friend who was doing me a HUGE favor. She was showing it tomorrow between 1 and 4 and perhaps she could stop by then. Also, this family friend who was doing me a HUGE favor might be over there today cleaning the carpets. So, if she is, she might be able to show it then. I gave her your number, hung up and prayed for someone better to come along.

Victory

Great news! Mrs. Martin agreed to settle for more than I bargained for. It is a good thing too. I am currently suffering from a post-flu apocalyptic sinus infection and there was no way the TSA was going to tolerate a middle-aged cranky woman with a mind-blowing an earache at 40,000 feet

Before I got Legal Eagle's news, I told her if I had to get on that plane with my sinus infection because Mrs. Martin didn't settle, I was asking the judge for everything--including some things I haven't though of just yet. So, Legal had until my plane took off to make it happen. With the efficiency that comes with an unfathomable hourly rate, Legal Eagle swooped down and saved the day.

Though I have a bunch of chores over there, I wasn't up to spending a week away from my family. With nothing terribly pressing, the paperwork I need to take care of can be handled via phone, mail or Carolsue. I won't get to meet Kirby or see Mr. and Mrs. Jack. I won't get to visit with Carolsue. And, I won't be able to accept an overdue church invitation from one of my former tenants.

But, I will be here where the temperature is set to be 100 degrees Saturday. I will be sharing my victory with my family.

And Speaking of Appliances...

Mr. Shanty called me Wednesday with the deal of the decade! He was selling his side by side refrigerator and was I interested?

He bought it used about five to seven years ago for $200. He wasn't sure how old it was. He said it was a bit "beat up" and could use--and I am not making this up--a "coat of paint."

And! Great news! It could be mine for the low-low price of $75.

After refusing twice, Mr. Shanty kept pushing. Finally I told him I would think about it and get back to him. He said, "Ok, but I can't guarantee it will still be here by this weekend. I have other interested buyers."

A Waterford Home Update

Kirby called me Tuesday. He had three potential people for Mrs. Waterford's former home.

1. A guy from England whose company was looking at relocating him to Birmingham Alabama (yes, we were clear it wasn't Birmingham England).

2. A single woman with two children on a Section 8 voucher who would have to come in with an additional $300 a month of her own money to cover the rent.

3. A single woman with a 40 pound terrier and wanted me to supply a washer and dryer.

Naively, Kirby wanted to know if I had any opinions.

I gave Kirby my experiences with all of the people from England who have contact me moving to Birmingham Alabama (not Birmingham England). Essentially what I have seen is more like one of those Nigerian money laundering schemes. Right now, my current Craigslist posting for the home in Leeds is averaging about one of these inquiries every three days.

The way it works is, the person relocating, offers to send over one check to cover all thier moving expenses. They ask the landlord to cash it and then pay all their other vendors who are helping them move. Usually these vendors consist of an "interior deisgner"/operative. Essentially, they are asking to send one check, have me act as the accountant and bill payer. You would think the interior designer/operatives would find other places to scam.

Mr. Partner has always been against Section 8 tenants. And frankly, I am not a fan either, but that is for another post. There are some occasions where I might be able to sell him on this, but this home has been listed for only two weeks.

So, before I bugged Mr. Partner with a given no, I wanted to know how this mother was going to be able to provide the remaining rent. Did she have employment? Did she have ties to the area? Were her children in school? Would she have the money to fix a broken towel bar? If she couldn't uphold her end of the rent, would she care? Or would she just dare me to evict her, so that she can go on to the next landlord (and yes, I know Section 8 tenants are required to uphold thier end of the bargain or they loose their vouchers. But I have seen Section 8 tenants who managed to work the system.).

The last tenant sounded more reaasonable, though I am not crazy about pets right about now with brand new carpeting. However, someone with a trained dog doesn't sound too bad. This woman is even offering to provide me with obediance school certificates.

The washer and dryer thing is kind of an issue. I don't want to pay for additional appliances. This person can probably look around and find used ones for under $200 for the set. I know I can.

However, if this person is really tenant-worthy, I won't let a washer and dryer stand in my way of a rented home. I can find a use set just as well as she can. I told Kirby this. He agreed and said he would see what he could do.

Mrs. Sherwood

Mrs. Sherwood has been renting from me for about two years. I have spoken to her over the phone about six times in those 24 months. Once she called to tell me rent would be late. It arrived one day after the due day.

I spoke with her once about a hot water heater crisis. Sadly, it decided to die on a Saturday morning (can you relate Happy Camper?). No matter, the best plumber in Birmingham was on it.

I also spoke with her twice about about her stove. She called the first time to say the oven didn't work. She called back later telling me she reconsidered and to belay her request. Otherwise, her husband would expect her to cook and her children would require her to host the holiday meals. So, no oven. Please.

Last Friday Mrs. Sherwood called to tell me she lost her job and her husband's hours just got cut back. She wasn't asking for anything special, she was just telling me they would be able to make this month's rent, but after that, it looked like she would be moving out. And anyway, thanks for everything.

Here are the realities of the situation. Mrs. Sherwood's home is 45 years old. The carpet is 45 years old. When I was in the house two years ago, it looked like it hadn't been painted in 45 years. The appliances are probably original or close to it. The fixtures are probably about the same. The stove doesn't work. It is close to the holidays.

There are people like Mr. and Mrs. Betty, who would call under these circumstances and say, "What are we to do? This isn't our fault!" Mrs. Sherwood was just doing the honorable thing: giving notice.

There is such a difference between the tenant who is just giving the facts: "I can't honor my lease" and those who ask me to solve their problems: "What should we do?" When I was faced with this last month, I told the Bettys to move. I would rather gamble on a long-term tenant with a good history, than someone unwilling to be accountable for their own lives.

When I talked with Mrs. Sherwood on Friday, I asked her to wait on this a few days and let's talk Monday (call number six). She agreed. Me? I was hoping for a miracle and I needed to talk to Mr. Partner and Marty Sunshine about our options. Both were amieable to helping her out a couple of months.

This really isn't a matter of generosity. This is a complete business decision. We have a house that would be sitting vacant probably over the holidays. It would need a stove at the very least. But, more likely, it would need flooring and a coat of paint. With the Waterford home and the Leeds home already vacant, it wouldn't suit us to have to carry this too (though I expect both will be rented before Mrs. Sherwood moved out).

Mrs. Sherwood has been a fantastic tenant. She pays promptly. She doesn't want a close personal friendship. I never hear from her. When I am in Birmingham, I drive by her home, and it is always looks kept up. I know Mrs. Sherwood is looking for employment. What she is offering to pay until she has a job will cover the mortgage payment, so we aren't taking a loss.

The worst case scenario with this is Mrs. Sherwood is babysitting our asset for a few months over the holidays at a reduction in rent and then we part company in January. The best case scenario is she gets over this hurdle and stays for another two years--and I still don't have to buy an oven.

Mr. Shanty's Bright Red Flags

A week ago, Carolsue held my Leeds house open in the futile hope of finding me a renter. Sadly, the only serious bidders were folks who live on that street, in search of a new landlord.

Currently, they are living in a broken-down shanty and paying $500 a month. Could I match that? Nope. I don't have a shanty. Nor will I. (Even in Birmingham, where the cost of living is pretty low, $500 is still a screaming deal--or, in this case, the house is falling apart).

Though it was mutually established early on that Mr. and Mrs. Shanty were not going to rent from me, Mr. Shanty was very friendly. I admire him for knowing his financial limits and not going with the unrealistic hope that he could scrape by each month. Though I didn't tell him, that is one of my red flags for tenant failure.

Mr. Shanty hit two more red flags as well. The first was telling me lots of tales of how he and his immediate landlord don't see eye-to-eye on his currently living conditions. However, according to Mr. Shanty, this isn't his fault. He said he saw this house in the dark, so he didn't know how run down this place was. I didn't point out that he could have seen the property in the day light. Anyway Mr. Shanty is moving because the house is a dump and the landlord is a bad name, Mr. Shanty felt we were on familiar enough terms to share with me.

Another red flag is the overly chatty tenant wants me to really like them. This comes in a variety of categories, but generally, even before they move in, they offer special obscure favors that have nothing to do with where they live. Mr. Smith offered to handle any singing telegram needs I might have. Early on, Ms. Betty gave me an unsolicited offer to collect my rents, telling me, "It wouldn't be a bother."

In Mr. Shanty's case, he has offered to clean my gutters, lay carpet and install a dishwasher (though I am going to take him up on this one once I have a tenant for the Leeds house). Mr. Shanty has called FIVE times in the past week, asking if I had any side jobs for him. Granted, I was suffering from the flu and didn't get to him right away, but one voice mail would have sufficed.

When I called Mr. Shanty back on Saturday morning, he regaled me with many additional stories of his handyman attributes. Then, he dropped the bomb. Mr. Shanty asked if I would be interested in buying a home that I could rent back to him for $500.

Um... probably not.

Facebook Debbie's Plight

Apparently no attorney wanted to handle Facebook Debbie's claim against her landlord. From what I understand, she is going to court today sue her "money grubbing landlord."

I didn't bother to point out that her landlord acted within two hours of her call, she chose to move out and she got all of her deposits back. She admitted when it happened she did not have personal property damage.

There is no point in posting on her Wall my point of view. This landlord has a heck of a mess to clean up, a big headache and is probably beyond thrilled to be rid of her. There is just no point, because we all know who the true moron is when you opt to argue with someone more ignorant than you.

I think I am taking Facebook Debbie off my friend's list just as soon as I hear who won in court. I am rooting for the landlord. Us money grubbers should stick together.

Career Change

I have run Matt out of the handyman business.

When Matt randomly called me in August, he offered to take care of the handyman stuff for me at the Waterford home. It needed the carpets cleaned, some holes patched and a coat of paint. It also needed a door, and Matt wisely told me the door replacement wasn't something he wanted to tackle.

When Matt gave me the quote on painting and misclaneous clean-up, it was on the amazing side of reasonable. He also told me he would have everything done in four days.

That's when I knew the truth. Matt had no idea what he was doing.

When I talked to Matt earlier this week, he told me he is almost done painting (two weeks after he started). And, he is absolutely complete with the handyman phase of his life. Between painting the Waterford home and neighbor women hounding him at the Bankrputcy home, he is ready to go back to being an investment banker.

Matt and I are parting friends. In fact, I have already thrown a loan referral his way.

Random Bama

Mr. 114 went over to see about the door at Mrs. Waterford's former home that needs to be replaced. When we talked Monday morning he mentioned, "The neighbor told me Mr. Waterford is in jail for armed robbery."

I quickly looked over the Waterford's application. 615 credit score. No history of anything crazy. Geeze! Do I need to get a new screening company or a new crystal ball? I can't decide.

****

Matt tells me was at the Bankruptcy home cleaning the carpets when the barrage of Southern women came over in search of gossip. What happened to the former tenants? They were such nice people! Who is moving in now?

One woman in particular was ready to plow Matt down to get into the house. He said she demanded the curtains. Apparently Mrs. Bankruptcy borrowed them from this woman or promised them to her when Mrs. Bankruptcy moved out. Either way, she was there to take them and would Matt kindly step aside.

Matt saved my curtains and quickly locked the door. I don't think he was planning on that being part of his job description.

Let's Just Call It Even, Shall We?

Carolsue has been preoccupied with life so I thought this would be a no-brainer. Ms. Betty was moving out. It was a more-or-less amiable split, with me pleased as punch to have this woman out of my life.

Because I thought this would be so simple, I asked her if she wanted to spit-shine her current home to "motel clean." I even offered to refund her half her cleaning deposit if she did so. Ms. Betty was thrilled I offered and even sent me a mushy note, explaining how God has put me in her life for a reason.

Though I probably don't have to define "motel clean" to the masses, apparently this concept was a bit lost on Ms. Betty. She did move her stuff out. She did sweep the floor and clean the pottys. Sadly, now I know what kinds of places Ms. Betty lodges at when she goes out of town.

For a week, Ms. Betty has been asking for her check. I have simply been ignoring her, waiting for Carolsue's assessment before I paid her a dime. Monday I got an e-mail from her saying, "I hope you aren't going to do me wrong."

Damn. I couldn't resist.

I wrote her back, explaining she did me wrong. She left a bunch of stuff she hauled into my home but didn't want to take with her to her new dwelling under the back deck and behind the shed (including a computer Carolsue commandeered with a file dated Sept. 12, 2009 titled "What is wrong with the landlord." Sadly, Carolsue hasn't been able to open the file yet.). How is this stuff going to be removed? Who pays for this?

Ms. Betty also forgot to clean off the crayon markings all over the walls. She forgot to repair some drywall. And, the one year old carpet that started my beautiful friendship with James the Hell's Angel Turned Carpet Guy is beyond filthy. From what I understand it smells like dirty dog.

Additionally, I told Ms. Betty that I spoke with one of the neighbors yesterday (from the non-redneck mafia end of the street, who had a fleeting interest in renting my home) about the dishwasher incident and they are pretty sure they know who took it. I told Ms. Betty her neighbor's assessment of the missing dishwasher fit in line with my suspicions too. Unfortunately, this was WAY too subtle for her.

In my e-mail I said, "I am not paying you for causing me more money to clean up your filthy mess. Between the junk, the drywall and paint and now the awful carpet, I will spend more on filth you caused." I also told her she and her husband have been given notice she is not to go near the house or the neighbor will call the police.

Given that I was in full bitch mode when I wrote her, I seriously didn't think I would hear from her. I did.

Ms. Betty's response was simply this, "ok that's fine but then you need to give my the money i spent on the locks to your house." She said her total cost was $20.

I just told her to send me the receipt, dated Sept. 26 for the two doorknobs and two deadbolts and I would be happy to reimburse her.

Or, maybe not.

Plugging in the Crystal Ball

So, Marty and Mr. Partner tasked me with putting together some forecasting for the last quarter of 2009 and all of 2010. This really was a fair request, as I am closer to knowing what is going on than anyone else.

When I gave the info to Marty, he asked if this was my final estimate. I said, "Nope. I don't know who will leave next year. I don't know who will file bankruptcy. I don't know who will decide to become a compulsive gambler, house illegal aliens, sell drugs, have domestic violence issues, loose their job or just stop paying because they want to."

"Yea, that could be a problem." Marty agreed.

You would think something as mundane as rental properties wouldn't have so much drama. But, it only takes one tenant to have a life changing event and completely upend our plans for future growth. I can handle a broken water pipe. I am having a bit of trouble with the people.

Of course, it is this unknown that Marty and Mr. Partner are looking for. Here is what I can tell them: all but two homes are currently rented. I have one tenant that is teetering on the brink of trouble. All my other tenants are doing great. So, if the ones who are great stay great, the one teetering gets her act together or or leaves without incident and I can rent out the other two homes to quality people, yep, we are ok for next year.

That's how the first few years of our business ran. So, I know it can happen again.

Hmmm

Saturday, I texted Legal Eagle with the following, "Are you free to discuss something today? Can I call you?" I forgot to leave my name with my message.

No matter, she knew who it was. I am debating if I should be am concerned I am now in her cell phone book or if she is just that familiar with my phone number.

Today's Shout-Out

We have a new future reader here at Sage Business central.

Abigail Joanna was born on Monday, September 28. She is the third child of my dear friend and reader, Busy Mommy.

Welcome Miss Abby!

Finally

So, Legal Eagle sweetly called me Thursday. "Hi Mr. and Mrs. Green are here to drop off a check for you." A true Southerner and complete professional, what she didn't say was, "Who are Mr. and Mrs. Green and why are they sitting in my office trying to give me money?"

Truthfully, I am pretty sure she was only marginally curious as to why two perfect strangers were there, handing a lawyer money on my behalf. Legal Eagle knows better. Sadly, I doubt anything related to me and my rental homes surprise her anymore.

The reason they were there is quite simple. After months of annoyances and false starts, it turns out my house on Martin is rented!!!! The Greens weren't my first choice, but after letting Fate step in, it appears everyone--especially the Greens--are ecstatic.

Up until Sunday, my first choice was Bonnie. Bonnie and I had been talking about the Martin home for weeks. Finally, she got around to seeing it. However, Bonnie left me a message Sunday saying, "We need to do some negotiating."

You see, the Martin home needs a stove. Bonnie has a stove and was willing to donate her stove (that she was probably bringing either way) for the duration of her lease in exchange for $100 off the rent price. If you do the math, that would be a reduction of $1200 for a year. To allow her access to a stove she already owns.

It isn't that I don't appreciate the offer, as I would prefer not to buy one right now. (the last stove I put in turned into a brawl between Carolsue and Ms. Betty, with the only clear winner being the electrician who billed me for his time, but that is for another post). But, it isn't a good idea--before you have even put in the application--to start a voice mail to any landlord saying, "we need to negotiate."

No we don't. At least not any more.

Monday, Amy sent in her thorough application. She send me pay stubs. We were ready to rock. Monday afternoon I left a message for her telling her to call me so we can get this party started. I e-mailed her Tuesday with a similar message. Wednesday I went on to my applicant #3.

Mr. and Mrs. Green were applicants #3. They sent their application in precisely 20 minutes after I had called Amy saying the house was theirs if they call me back. When I got Mrs. Green's application, I called her, apologizing and explaining her uncanny timing. I explained I had the Leeds house and Mrs. Waterford's former home, if she was interested in either. She wasn't. She said to call her back in a few days if it didn't rent.

Unlike Amy, the Greens don't have pets or young children. In fact, Carolsue told me Wednesday afternoon, at the open house Saturday, she overheard Amy telling Mr. Amy they were planning on using the newly-carpeted downstairs to house the dogs until they could afford some sort of fence for the back yard (I am refusing to fence the yard). Additionally, the Greens wanted to move in right away, instead of November 1st like Amy.

I finally heard from Amy Wednesday afternoon, precisely 20 minutes after I sent over the lease to Mrs. Green. Yes, she wanted the house! She had just been too busy for the past 48 hours to bother to contact me.

Thursday I gave her the sad news. She was out of luck. I did offer her the Leeds house, but I doubt she is interested.

Thursday afternoon, Legal Eagle sent me a note. She said about the Greens, "Very nice people – let’s hope I’m not suing them down the road." Ya. I kinda hope so too.

Still Trying Not to Sue on Principal

We are still in the "trying to settle out of court" phase of my Mrs. Martin drama. I haven't had the nerve to ask, but I am guessing Legal Eagle is sick of the whole thing.

All I really want to know is if and when I am buying my tickets to Birmingham. As this was Mrs. Martin's idea to settle, I am not sure what the hold-up is. My theory is Mrs. Martin will get around to cooperating about 20 minutes after I book my tickets. As I was planning a trip sometime soon anyway to check things out, a court date is a good enough reason as any to head over there.

All in all, Mrs. Martin has admitted she owes. I am hearing she doesn't want to go to court. I have already told Legal Eagle my bottom line--which happens to be close to Mrs. Martin's bottom line. Right now it is just up to Mrs. Martin to agree.

All I really want: two month's rent and the cost of the eviction Legal Eagle did for a song. And more importantly, I just want to end the madness so I can move on!