Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Gather the Animals Two By Two

If the pictures and videos are to be believed, Birmingham is flooded.

I heard about this first-hand at $#^%^(&  6:20 a.m. from Mrs. Green who sent me a scary picture of what is left of her bedroom ceiling. I would post the picture here, but technology hates me.*

What did happen at 6:28 a.m. this morning (after I got off the phone with Mrs. Green) is I called Dave the Roofer. I commented to Marty Sunshine that I really never wanted to be in a place in my life where I had phone numbers for a roofer, electrician, plumber and two HVAC guys in my cell phone directory. "Don't forget two lawyers!" he cheerfully responded.

Mrs. Green's roofing disaster wasn't exactly enough to convince me my day was going to be challenging--though I don't know why I would think otherwise. So, when I checked my e-mail an hour later Kirby sent me a note telling me the downstairs of my Fultondale home was flooded. "How did that happen? They leave a door open?" I stupidly asked.

Kirby, characteristically, has yet to respond.

I realized everything was pretty darn serious when Mrs. Roebuck sent me an e-mail later that morning telling me there had been storms all night. When she went outside in the morning she found out her tree had been struck by lightening for yet a third time.

"Buy a lottery ticket." was my only response.

Carolsue did send me this little gem just to prove there had been a bit of rain. Apparently this is where Mr. 114 and Mr. Wonderful live. Carolsue has suggested next time Marty and I want to start a business in Alabama, we might want to consider being roofers. She may have a point.

*Actual conversation with me and tech support guy:
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Me: A black one.

Monday, July 23, 2012

A Bless Your Heart Kind of Day

Last Friday, as we passed the sign that says, "Now Leaving the Phoenix Metro Area: The Last Bastion of Civilization for the Next 70 Miles" I quickly checked my e-mail on my phone. My property manager Mario's minion--Ben--had sent me an e-mail saying that the air conditioning at Hysteria Lane had gone out. Could I please send someone out there to fix it.

I promptly e-mailed him back, explaining I was on my way to pick up Polly at summer camp and about to loose cell service. Could he please call the AC company? I omitted the part about that is why I pay them an exorbitant amount of money to handle these things. But I did add that I wanted to make sure this was taken care of ASAP, as I would hate to have my tenants uncomfortable through the weekend.

When I checked my e-mail this morning, Ben had followed up to tell me the company did not go out there and the tenant was upset. Ben's directive was for me to call the air conditioning company and make this happen.

My first order of business was to call the tenant. I left her a message giving her my info and the AC company's info. I told her we would take care of this and I was so sorry she spent the weekend without cool air. I may have also let it slip that I wasn't sure why I had a property management company if they couldn't handle this particularly simple task.

I then called the AC company. Apparently the tenant was unreachable. They tried several times. They also were willing to go out on Saturday if the tenant would have just returned a call or three. Of course, Ben didn't mention the fact the tenant hadn't returned any calls when he sent me this directive to do his job to call the AC Company. Granted, he may not have known. For whatever reason, tenants seem to like drama.

My second to last order of business was to contact Ben. The AC Company is ready, willing and able to go to the house ONCE THE TENANT RETURNS A CALL. Short of me getting on a plane, showing up in Birmingham and tracking down the tenant, I am not sure what else can be done. To my credit, I took that last sentence out of my e-mail to him. No reason for total snark before 9 a.m.

My last order of business is to locate the contract I have in place with Mario's company and find out what to do not to renew it. I understand it isn't Ben's fault the tenant is unreachable and it is the tenant who is causing her own discomfort by not returning phone calls. However, the reason I have a property management company in the first place is so they can volley phone calls and take care of the nonsense.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Silly Question

Mrs. Green is a long-long term tenant whom I have never met. The reason I haven't met her is simply because she has caused me such an insignificant amount of grief, that she never makes my radar when I am in Birmingham. In fact, the only drama I have had with this woman was on my recent trip. I went looking for her home, only to find out that Mr. and Mrs. Green summarily moved streets on me. I distinctly remember the home being in a different location.

To give you an idea of how awesome Mrs. Green happens to be, she will often overnight the rent to me without a signature required. I have repeatedly told her it wasn't necessary to overnight the rent, I trust her, but she has thing thing about being late. I am ok with that. Especially when I don't have to stand in line for 45 minutes in the post office to retrieve my rent check. But, I am also totally ok if she would just slap a stamp on the envelope and send it over too.

Anyway, Mrs. Green sent me a text yesterday. Apparently her son just found out and/or just told her that he was being deployed. She was on her way up North somewhere to squirrel away his worldly possessions and bring them back down to her home. Her question to me was would it be ok if she paid a few days late? It wouldn't happen again. She promised.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

"You Didn't Build It"

Dear Mr. President,

Recently you made a statement about how small businesses didn't really build their their businesses. Someone else built it for them. I would like to address this statement.

Someone else didn't provide me with the capital to use as down payments buy my rental homes. The money came from us saving and using the dividends from investing in other businesses. We did not receive government assistance. We earned it.

Someone else did provide me with loans. That someone is banks. At the time, the government wasn't running the banks. They are now. I can't refinance, get another loan or make my financial position better since they took over the banking industry. Just saying...

When unemployment hit 19% (yes, 19%) in Birmingham in 2009 and several of  long term tenants left, someone else didn't pay my mortgages. Someone else didn't take out 401k loans (of which, is our money--not someone else's) to survive. And, thank Someone we had the money to do so!

Someone else didn't eat bread, cheese and tomatoes every night because we couldn't afford groceries. Someone else didn't do without a dryer because we couldn't afford it. Someone else didn't work extra jobs, just to ensure all the mortgages were paid on time.

But I wish they did.

Mr. President, if this someone else is still available to do all this awesome and innovative work that made our Country great, please have that person call me. I need a break. I am tired. They can take over for a while and I will rest. I am ready.

Sincerely,

The Landlord

Thursday, July 12, 2012

An Historic Day

Today needs to go down in history as the day Ms. Kathy pulled one over on me.

You see, I cut Ms. Kathy one heck of a deal. Option 1: leave my house. Take you money, don't pay me another dime, here's your 30 day notice. Get out of my house. Go. Go. Go. I will even refund your deposit (less any money owed--like back rent or late fees). Just go!

Or Option 2: pay up and stop whining. Just stop making my life a living hell.

If the truth be told, even though I was publicly hoping she would pay up, I was secretly pushing for Option 1. It isn't personal. Ms. Kathy isn't a bad person. She's a good egg. But I have been done with Ms. Kathy's drama for quite a while now.

But no. Ms. Kathy, however, choose door number 2. Just to be completely sure there wasn't any confusion, I called her. She not only answered the phone, but she and I chatted for 20 minutes, with her completely assuring me me, yep, she wanted to stay.

Here's how Option 2 worked: pay me something moderately substantial over the course of three weeks, with the big payment due to me early July. It was a test. Would she manage to pass all the hurdles? She did. In fact, part of the money owed was due the day I was in Birmingham. She handed me cash. She didn't even want a receipt.

In the meantime, behind the scenes, I was holding on to her payments she sent. Everything I got--including the cash--was in my safe in my home. The reason I wasn't depositing them was because Legal Eagle tells me if I cash even one check, I have acknowledged the rent and it takes longer for an eviction.

Though I think one can argue either way on this particular point, I opted to just hold her rent money to wait and see if the big payout was coming. I didn't want to take a chance this drama might drag out longer than necessary.

Additionally, I found a low-cost eviction lawyer and was ready to call as soon as it became clear I would be kicking Ms. Kathy out. And, on top of that, I was working behind the scenes with Kirby looking for potential tenants to move in early next month.

Early July came and went. There was no check. I was not shocked. In fact, I was secretly elated. Ms. Kathy would be leaving my life!

I started my happy dance. I chilled campaign.

Marty Sunshine suggested I had little faith and Ms. Kathy indeed would pay me the remainder of the rent money owed. Why would Ms. Kathy spoon feed me rent money every week when she knew if she just moved her rent debt would be forgiven and I would pay her back her deposit (less any fees she owed--like back rent) if she just moved out?

"Can't a girl just dream?" I whined.

Meanwhile, this week I got a call from a former tenant who needed a place to live early August. Did I have anything available? Possibly? How did Ms. Kathy's house sound? That sounded just great. Keep them posted.

Because of the Independence Day holiday, I opted to wait a bit longer to call the eviction lawyer. I had already decided I was no longer speaking to Ms. Kathy. Either she payed or she didn't. As far as I was concerned, the next conversation she and I had would be in court. On Tuesday, the money still hadn't arrived. I did a virtual cartwheel.

We didn't make it to the PO Box on Wednesday.

And wouldn't you know it! Ms. Kathy was all paid up on Thursday. Now let's see if she really meant it when she told me rent was now a priority.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Southern Extortion

I am being extorted by the City of Alabaster. Apparently they just figured out I own a rental home in their glorious town. According to their records, it has been a rental since 2008 and I owe them a substantial amount of money for every year since 2008. And, if I cheerfully pay up right now, they won't assess any back fees. How nice of them.

Actually, the home has been a rental longer than that. But why quibble?

The letter was signed by some coward called the "Revenue Department" who also said I was to fill out the enclosed form immediately. And, just to be utterly difficult, there is no form enclosed to fill out--though I did find a very poorly photocopied form on their Web site of what I believe the letter was talking about.

One of the most curious aspects of this particular letter is that the Revenue Department addressed their letter to the wrong business--my property management company and not the LLC that actually owns the rental. This is highly suspicious.

Because the company name is wrong on my letter, Marty Sunshine is surmising Ms. Shirley gave them an anonymous phone call about my home. I could see her being a big enough busy-body to do that. And yes, Ms. Shirley moved in around 2008.

I half-wonder if this is legitimate. Revenue Department? The company name wrong? No enclosed form attached? However, we are talking about Alabaster Alabama, the small town capital of the South. Things are more laid back. That could be why it took five-ish years for them to find me to begin with.

Just to cover my bases, I talked with Mr. Wonderful, my newest tenant in Alabaster. He is also a business owner, civic leader and a whole litany of other things--according to Mr. 114, who graciously gave me his resume when I was considering him as a tenant. Mr. Wonderful confirmed the letter is legit. And, it is probably best to just comply than to skirt around it.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Succesfully Conducting Business In the South

If one is not from the South, and one wants to successfully do business in the South, there are certain hoops to jump through. It is reasonable--and people don't find it the least bit intrusive or personal--to expect to be questioned fully about one's lineage. "Where are you from? Is there anyone in your family who is from the South? Who gave you permission to step foot in the South?" Are all fair game.

I had this particular conversation with Opal, Kirby's administrative assistant, when I was in town last week. She also happens to be from Mesa. I asked her if, when she first moved to Birmingham if people regarded her as some sort of circus freak show because she wasn't from the South.

This elicited a "Hey now!" from Kirby, with Opal giving him a dismissive wave and to me a knowing, "Oh yes!" (complete with her head wildly bobbing up and down).

Kirby may have taken offense to my line of questioning, but Opal understood immediately. Nobody, is welcome in the South unless they are there for a darn good reason. Relocating for employment is not a darn good reason.

If one cannot prove Southern pedigree, the only other way I have seen to gain ground is to have pat answers ready to go on a variety sports topics. One can expect a question about Alabama football. In case it comes up, the current coach is Nick Saban, they have claimed 14 national titles, with the most recent being in 2012. The championship came last January was, "Quite a game." (note the pat answer).

Also, be expected to know something random about any professional sport from NASCAR to golf and everything in between. I always cross my fingers for a baseball question. However, if it isn't, pat answers come in handy.

Also, it is best for one to be prepared to follow up later with an expanded conversation--just to prove one has a slight clue. For example, Steve Nash signed with the Los Angeles Lakers yesterday. In the note I sent to Flip, I was able to say, "To local Sun's fans, Steve Nash going to the Lakers is like Nick Saban deciding to coach for Auburn."

If all of the above doesn't work, you are on your own.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Today's Headache

Dear Ms. Angie,

You need to figure out the whole time-zone thing. And more importantly--and I can't stress this enough--you need to stop calling me with out-of-warranty costly emergencies.

Thank you,

The Landlord

Monday, July 02, 2012

A Raised Eyebrow or Two

In getting my small administrative matter resolved, Flip warned me last week that he will probably need to speak with Kirby and Mario--my two Birmingham property managers. Because I didn't really want my property managers blindsided a lawyer asking lots of personal questions, I gave them fair warning in the shape of an e-mail over the weekend.

However, I certainly don't want to tell them about my issue because it may just raise a few thousand red flags about, but not limited to, my business practices. Which, I assure you are completely ethical. However, my business practices will look a lot cleaner once I get this teensy-tiny matter resolved.

Now, you try writing a quick e-mail to a causal acquaintance (Kirby) and someone you are barely on speaking terms with (Mario) saying something akin to, "In the event a lawyer guy named Flip calls you, please provide leases and answer any questions related to his inquiry. But, don't worry, my administrative issue doesn't (exactly) concern your tenants or your property management company."

Honestly, it is the equivalent of stating, "There is nothing to see here. Just keep moving."

I am pretty sure Kirby and I are getting along well enough that he will decide it is nothing, and just do what is asked. Hopefully Mario affords me at least the same courtesy--even though if I were him, I would certainly ask questions. As he should. Mario isn't stupid (nor is Kirby). Hopefully if it comes up, I will have the right answers.

Later: Got a response from Mario: "No problem. Happy to help." Whew!

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Flipping Awesome

It is Sunday. Flip sent me an e-mail today letting me know he is already working on my issue.

Today!

Sunday!

In case I haven't mentioned this: Flip is awesome.

In his e-mail, Flip commented that Steve Nash (I have since found out he is/was the Sun's point guard) is signing somewhere else. I responded by giving him a bit of Arizona Diamondbacks trivia.

I really appreciate Flip going the extra 10 miles for me on this one. Even if I have to learn something about basketball.