Alberto

Last week I showed Alberto a rental home in one of the scariest neighborhoods of Phoenix I had been to in a long time (40th Street and Broadway for those of you familiar with the area). Writing how I got to this point in the first place would take up 12 paragraphs. Here's the essentials:

Alberto came recommended from someone who was working with another agent in my office. This other agent has done numerous favors for me in the past. But, I wouldn't have agreed to show this place if I had known the neighborhood in the first place. And, neither would the other agent.

Alberto, who was very nice and seriously overwhelmed by the moving process, was in a bind. He had lived in the same home for six years. Last Thursday he found out his landlord was a tad late on his payments and the home was going to foreclosure on Friday (the day he called me). He had until September 1 to move.

The property in question was really a town home that had been vacant since April. The landlord was offering a "move-in special." And no, I hadn't put two and two together before I went over there.

This modest town home was one of several in a complex heavily laden with debris on the road, graffiti on the walls and bars on the windows. The property itself had a view from the front door that faced Interstate 10. That is, once you got past the six locks on the front door. Yes. Six. And, when I say "faced Interstate 10," I really mean the front door was 10 feet from the sound wall. That close.

Alberto and I hit it off pretty well, except my landlord radar was up over a few issues. First, he couldn't describe two of his dogs to me. "Mutts?" I asked. No. "How big?" He wasn't sure. He was sure his third dog was about five pounds and a chihuahua. I was secretly glad I wasn't the landlord on this one.

When I gave Alberto the application for the home, he needed some assistance in filling it out. When I got to the part where I needed his social security number, he and I did this verbal volleyball match about it. Sadly it was 108 degrees in the Arizona sun at the time. I was loosing my good humor. Finally, after several minutes and a frank lecture from me about why the landlord was asking for it, Alberto coughed it up. As an interesting side note, Alberto and I are six years apart and our social security numbers are very similar. That's all I'm saying.

We then went through the entire social security process about Mrs. Alberto's social security number. This time he called her, spoke rapid fire Spanish into the phone. As he hung up, he looked me straight in the eye and said of his bride of 16 years, "She doesn't remember her number."

At this point, I gave Alberto a quick primer on what he needed to do to finish filling out the paper work. I wrote down the words, "photo ID," "pay check stubs," "social security numbers" and "$50 credit application fee." I figured if he was serious, he would find a way to get what he needed to me. If not, this would be the last of our time together.

Alberto did manage to get me the application, complete with social security numbers and photo identification. He forgot the pesky pay stubs and $25 of the credit application.

Not sure what kinds of dogs he owns? The whole social security thing? Not following basic directions with an application? I know how this resonates with me. In Alberto's case, I turned his application in anyway, very pleased I didn't have to make this decision.

Random Bama

Mrs. Sherwood (who totally rocks) deposited her rent money into my account first thing on Friday. She really has no idea how much I adore her.
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Ms. Robin has really stepped up. I got an e-mail from her last week, asking what she owed for late fees. I also got a replacement check immediately on Tuesday. And, she sent the half of her rent she promised on Tuesday. I expect I will see the other half next Tuesday like she promised.
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I caved. Kirby is now offering a move-in special. More later when I have time to process it. So far it hasn't made any difference.

Empty Nest

I hate to sound paranoid, but my dear Legal Eagle is MIA. She went on vacation last month. She returned. We talked in early August. But suddenly my e-mails are going unanswered. Her voicemail at her office seems to be broken as well. My voicemails to her cell and texts aren't being returned either.

I have found Mr. Smith and I have no way to celebrate with her. Before one jumps to the conclusion that she is really hiding from me, I would like to point out, that finding Mr. Smith financially benefits her too. So maybe she is hiding, but not for this.

Then, there is this thing I can't write about (yet). I am looking at taking matters into my own hands. I really, really, really want her input before I dig any deeper into it. I never feel comfortable doing anything big, scary and different over there without her or Attorney Jon's blessing. This is definitely one for her--even if it costs me $285 an hour.

I am at the point now where I am more concerned about her safety and welfare as well as that of her firm's. Is she ok? Is her firm a product of Birmingham's crummy economy? All sorts of scenarios have been playing into my head. I have done a quick search in the Birmingham business paper, as well as the Birmingham News looking to see if her name, or the name of her company pops up. Nothing. That's good.

I have done all the sane things one wants to do when looking for someone. I am now toying with the bizarre. For example, a cousin (whom I have never personally met, but have spoken with on the phone on a few occasions and have e-mailed back and forth through the course of the year) of a former tenant is my Facebook friend. This cousin works at Legal Eagle's son's school. I have thought about giving the cousin a message for Legal Eagle. This idea seems to gravitate somewhere between completely tacky and outrageously out-of-line.

I have also looked Legal Eagle up on Facebook. But it appears she has one of those ultra-high privacy settings on. You know, maybe it is time to Friend her when I find her--just so this doesn't happen again. I haven't seen anything from Emily Post discussing if it is highly inappropriate to Friend your legal counsel if they were your lawyer before they were your real friend. Somehow this just seems taboo.

I have tried other social media searches too. She isn't on Linkedin. She isn't on Twitter--at least not using the e-mail address I have for her. My guess, knowing her, is Legal Eagle isn't going near anything that digitally tweets.

Sometimes she reads my blog--but that usually happens when I tell her I wrote about her. I would tell her I wrote about her right now if I could contact her.

I suppose if I am really desperate I could send a letter to her office... That sounds so civilized. I am not desperate yet. Maybe after Labor Day. Right now I am somewhere between a worried furrowed brow and contacting a perfect stranger who might teach Legal Eagle's son. Essentially, I am just blogging.

Last time Legal Eagle changed law firms she found me. She actually assumed she was going to represent me in the future and took my files with her when she moved. She called me about a month later to tell me where she was. I was ok with that. I am guessing if she moved, she will eventually do it again when she settles in.

I know there is some point where I can go to the Alabama BAR Association and look up her information. I might do that if I don't hear from her.

And though I appreciate her legal advice, a million times more than that, I consider her my friend. I really want to make sure she, those important to her, her job and anything else that might be suseptiable to ickiness into her life is protected. I am really just hoping she has gotten busy, all is ok and I am just being extra paranoid.

The Best Worst Renter

Mrs. Sherwood sent her rent check to me. Except she pre-dated it until December. I truly believe--and did so from the second I saw the check--it was an accident. (I recently accidentally wrote a check for Aug. 14, 2000. It happens.)

When I called her, Mrs. Sherwood went into crisis mode. Did I want the money immediately deposited in my account? Did I want to change the date on the check and fake her initials? Did I want her to wire the money to me? Or, did I want her to hop on a plane, fly out to Phoenix and personally deliver cash to me?

She then apologized for being my "worst renter." Mind you, this is the same woman who made me swear I would never buy her an oven--because her family would then expect her to cook. So, if I ever thought about replacing the broken oven, she was moving out.

I love Mrs. Sherwood blogs. They have happy endings.

I'm Not Getting the "Confused" Vibe from Her

Great Lies Through History:

Apples are good for you.
No, your butt doesn't look fat.
It's not you, it's me.

Ms. Shirley's Great Lies:

The Roof Is Leaking

I Mailed the Check

I am Not a Liar

And the one below:

The latest came on Wednesday when Ms. Shirley called me responding to my e-mail.

You might remember, Ms Shirley's check got "lost in the mail" in May. She was quick to offer me solutions on how to fix her situation, so I let her. In this case, her solution was to pay me the additional $500 by August. She even sent me an e-mail saying as much.

August has come and is almost gone, and I haven't seen my money. So, I e-mailed her--with her e-mail to me from two months ago still attached.

Ms. Shirley then telephoned me and called me by my first name. I responded by calling her by her last name. To her credit, she immediately caught the subtext and jumped to the purpose for her call.

And I quote, "I am confused by your e-mail. Was I supposed to pay that $500?"

The reason I cut Ms. Shirley some slack to begin with was because at the time, I was shooting for a stress-free summer. I was willing to work with a tenant of two years, with a guaranteed income instead of sending her to the curb. Besides, I am not too keen on taking a chance Mr. 114 won't like his new next door neighbor. And if he doesn't like who is living next door, I probably won't either.

During our call, completely bypassing the fact, I wasn't confused and re-read her e-mail she sent me from months ago, Ms. Shirley went on to tell me her electric bill has been high, she needs dental work and her son is back in school so there are extra expenses with that.

I explained we have a contract, and I am disappointed that there seems to be some miscommunication about honoring the contract. I explained this puts me in a precarious position with my business partner, who does not take kindly to folks who don't do what they say they are going to do. Not that he knows anything about this particular issue.

That got her. In fact, Ms. Shirley has since sent me another e-mail stating the $500 is coming by the end of September. I would be really pleased if there is no confusion on this one.

In Perspective

Ms. Angie sent me an e-mail on Monday. She is selling Mary Kay Cosmetics. Her concern is the lease states she can't operate a business out of her house. She wanted me to know there is some sort of building on the other side of Birmingham where she is conducting her transactions, so she isn't working from home.

I explained my definition of a "home based business" is manufacturing bullets in the garage or arc welding metal furniture in the basement. Yes, I know of both first hand (though neither were my tenants). Those things scare me.

Stockpiling mascara, not so much.

Today's Shout Out

There are great friends throughout history:

Laverne and Shirley
Lucy and Ethel
Thelma and Louise
Bliz and Me
Long ago, while sitting on the bleachers at a high school football game, this pretty girl with brown eyes and perfect poofy 1980s hair, turned around and said, "You are in my chemistry class."

I guessed so. It was my second week of school, and my third high school in as many years. I didn't really know anyone.

She then said, "You just moved in down the street from me."

I guessed so too.

So, Bliz, left the people she was sitting with, scooted up one bleacher to talk to me and offered me a ride to school on Monday.

And thus, a great friendship was born.

Happy Birthday my dear friend. I hope you have a great day and many more birthdays to come.

Clean, Move-In Ready, Poor Credit Considered, 4 Bedrooms, 2 Baths, Fireplace, Den, AC/Heater 1 Year Old, New Carpeting

I did the math. And, as much as it pained me to do so, I lowered the rent on the home in Fultondale.

And, though a move-in special might have been the way to attract lots of potential tenants, because I have to pay Kirby a leasing fee, retainer fee and his property management fee I actually loose more money with a move-in special. Lowering the rent means--if I get a tenant soon--I will actually get some money in my pocket before October. A move-in special means I see something perhaps by November.

For now, we have the money to cover September's mortgage. So, I guess I am not officially super desperate. Just moderately desperate.

Kirby is getting calls, but no bites. Because he is too Southern, he hasn't said he is sick of this. But, I am guessing he is. Friday he suggested I lower the rent to about $200 less than it has been rented for in the past two years. I might get a long-term renter that way. However, I might just break even if everything works properly. The first thing that broke would put us over budget.

With the management fee, taxes going up next year and whatever other challenges, I would have to raise the rent next year anyway. Kirby's $200/month reduction would mean I skate this year and pay for it next year. Besides, I want a long-term renter who is willing to pay more now. It is a nice home. In a nice area. I can't believe I am having so much trouble finding this lovely person who thinks my house is as charming as I do.

So, I went ahead and lowered it $100 instead. I can live at $100 a month less for a few years.

That said, Marty and I have talked. We know the gamble. If all else fails, in two weeks, we will have a rent reduction and a move-in special.

But I hope not.

A Tenant In Hand

So, Jeff and Alyson are short selling their home. For those who don't know what that means: a short sale is when you are selling it for less than you owe. The bank has to agree. Also, there has to be a legitimate reason: like a hardship related to loss of income, illness or something equally icky. Jeff and Alyson aren't late-late on their payments and have been keeping the auction at bay. However, they are struggling with their personal issues and a short sale was the answer they were looking for.

In walk my clients: Mitch and Tonya. Mitch and Tonya are buying Jeff and Alyson's town home as an investment property for cash. They were thrilled when Jeff and Alyson asked if they could stay and re-rent the home back. It meant Mitch and Tonya don't have to scramble to find a tenant in mid-September. In fact, not only do my clients have a built-in tenant, but Jeff and Alyson are super-duper clean, responsible and have demonstrated they take care of their home. Even if they are in the process of loosing it.

And of course, if things were just this simple, I wouldn't be writing.

Here is where it got a bit sketchy. Jeff and Alyson say they don't really have the money for the deposits and first month's rent. If they move somewhere else, they will have to come up with it. But, with Mitch and Tonya out of state, who is to say Jeff and Alyson will actually vacate the home mid-September when the home closes? And, who is to say they won't take everything nailed down with them?

Jeff and Alyson don't seem to be the type. But, there is always that risk.

Mitch would like above market rent, a deposit and a litany of other things from these guys. Tonya just wants renters. Mitch called me, appealing to my inner landlord, saying "It's just a simple business decision, right?"

I sided with Tonya.

Though I am the first to reject anyone who doesn't have rent and deposits--before they move in--what we have in this case is a tailor-made tenant, ready to stay. Jeff and Alyson already live here. They take great care of the place. To me, that is worth maybe a half-month free. Nope, that is worth a heck of a lot more than a half-month.

The difference between people coming in upfront and saying they are broke, and those who already live there and have demonstrated a standard of care to the property is night and day. If they were ready to move in and did this, I wouldn't play.

Mitch's position is if they don't want to come up with the deposit and rent, let them move out.

Mitch will then get the locks changed, advertise the house for rent, let it sit vacant for a few weeks and then spin the roulette wheel for a tenant who is willing and able to move in the last three months of the year. Also, he will be getting at least $150 less per month.

And, because Mitch does not live here, if these people move, he has to pay for cleaning and maintenance. I don't change locks. I get people in touch with locksmiths. I don't clean client's homes so it can be shown (even if they live out of state), but I can put them in touch with people who do.

I have a job. Staging a rental home for free isn't in my union. And, if you are a real estate agent, I know you are bobbing your head up and down right now, because you know what we have been asked to whore ourselves out to do.

I do advertise and show rental homes. And for that I will get a small stipend when it rents. That's ok. But, this town home is in the far-east part of Mesa, not terribly close to a large portion of the population or major employers. Also, there are 18 other town homes in this complex for rent as well. It isn't going to rent in a week.

All this I explained to Mitch. Yes, he can play hard-ball. He might get Jeff and Alyson to balk, getting them to pay. But Jeff and Alyson can go across the street and rent for less money for the same home for a more desperate landlord.

After a bit of consideration--and probably some marital clarity from Tonya--Mitch has decided to go with a renter in the hand. And, just to add to his comfort level, Jeff and Alyson are getting the air conditioner serviced, and they asked for an 18 month lease.

A wise decision under the circumstances.

Ok, Maybe I Would Mind A Gaping Hole In The Roof

I have to tell you, when my phone rings and the name of some random tenant pops up on the caller ID, before I even answer, my stomach lining rips just a little bit more. And, when that call is from a tenant who traditionally doesn't like to call me, and only calls me two weeks after something bad has happened, there isn't any amount of pink stuff that will soothe me.

Until today.

Ms. Kathy called right as I was recovering from my second week of kick boxing classes. I was tempted not to answer because, in class, I had just gotten beaten up by a multi-pierced, 7 month pregnant woman and I wasn't sure I could stand much more. Marty said go for it. "How bad could it be?" he asked.

As a quick back story, Ms. Kathy lives in the home once rented by Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith refused to pay was kicked out, and moved in across the street to live with his wife and children in his wife's father's home. To put Mr. Smith in perspective: I will gladly be beaten to a pulp by a pierced pregnant woman than spend one minute in the same square mile as Mr. Smith.

Ms. Kathy, who heard from Carolsue, that I wasn't a fan of Mr. Smith and owes me money, noticed a big 18 wheeler sitting in the driveway of Mr. Smith's father-in-law's home the other day. So, with nothing better to do, she moseyed over there and got the name of the company for me.

Her call was to pass on what she had learned. After me gushing "thank you, thank you, thank you," for ten minutes, I, in turn, sent over the info to Legal Eagle for her to do her lawyerly magic.

Of course, then Ms. Kathy sprung the downed tree that wrecked her fence two weeks ago on me. But, I didn't care. She could have had a gaping hole in her roof and I don't think I would have been upset.

I have found Mr. Smith's employer.

Problem Child

There was a time when I ranked my problem children:

Wayward
Mr. Smith
Ms. Betty
Mr. Richards
Whomever else is giving me repetitive grief (you read this blog, I am sure I have missed one or six)

The Mrs. Springs, Ms. Angie and Ms. Robins are low on the list. Always.

However right now, without anyone else to particularly focus on, Ms. Robin has managed to gravitate her way to the top of the list. She didn't stop half-way and gasp for air. Nope. Ms. Robin went straight from "hey, I send you the rent, don't bug me" to "problem child" in three months flat.

I hate this.

Yet, here we are.

For the first 18 months they rented from me, they were golden. Now, not so much. It seems Mr. and Mrs. Robin seem to be having a few issues of late. And, because I like them, I have worked with them for the past few months. And yet, the issues aren't clearing up.

I am back to the Mrs. Sherwood dilemma. Do I coddle a good tenant, or cut the strings and let them hang?

I don't expect this house to be too difficult to rent out if the Robins leave. I expect the Robins have taken decent care and I can turn it over pretty quickly. But, I hate to go there. And, after what Wayward Tenant did to that home, I am thrilled at the tender loving care Mr. and Ms. Robin have provided it.

Is it better to have late paying tenants than take the chance at someone like Wayward coming back? Yea, probably.

I also happen to think if they are dealing with rental payment issues, they sure don't have the money to move. So, if things start to get ugly during the, "I really think you should look at making other accommodations" process, who is to say they won't dig their heels in and make me evict them?

Actually, I don't think they are the type. I hope.

But, I would rather they just straightened out their issues and we went back to the way it was before this summer: "Here's the rent. See you next month."

I Wonder If They Also Bake Brownies In Their Spare Time

I might know more than I care to about meth lab abatement and the Alabama laws pertaining to such pursuits. But, if it all the same with you, I would rather not discuss what led me to this obsure knowledge.

I also may or may not have had someone renting from me who decided to convert the attic into a grow house some time in the past. But, I can tell you that I paid a 16 year old kid $75 to climb in the attic, take a bottle of bleach and scrape every rafter, one by one, until they were clean.

Sometime in the past, I added the following clause to my lease:

Any evidence of the manufacturing or sale of illegal substances on the premises or any arrest and conviction related to the manufacturing or sale of illegal substances will result in immediate termination of this lease. The tenant will be held financially responsible for the abatement (if necessary) of the property if illegal substances are found on the premises.

If you ever need the clause, here it is. Consider it a gift.

There are some places where it is legal to grow pot--for medicinal purposes only, I am sure. Fellow Blogger Suellen May, in Fort Collins, CO recently wrote about this. Suellen has brought up a whole 'nuther set of circumstances we can all learn from.

Her really awesome blog is here and the story is below made me sleep with a night light.

Beware of the Potheads

Recently, I advertised an apt for rent in Fort Collins. I have been a landlord for years but a mere year in Colorado, which presents a new potential liability: the caregivers. As I have recently learned, a caregiver is a person who has a license to grow six marijuana plants.

I was familiar with the term. The last time I rented out the apt an applicant had the honesty to let me know they were a "caregiver" and they would need to grow for their patients. I declined.

My decision to reject this potential tenant has nothing to do with my beliefs about marijuana or whether it should be legal; it is just something I don't want on any of my properties. Perhaps naively, I assumed caregivers represented a very minuscule minority of renters. As I am discovering, however, caregivers are spreading far and wide across the state and present a landmine of liability.

Recently, I showed my apt to a young couple who after a brief showing, eagerly indicated that they were "down with it," and what would it take to secure the property? First, last, security deposit, pet deposit, it was all ok with them. Something seemed amiss with the guy and it wasn't just the body odor that would make milk curdle.

When he submitted his application, I was put in touch with Jon the landlord from Boulder. (Yes Boulder, you see where this is going, don't you?) Have they told you that they are caregivers? Jon asked. Really? Jon the landlord said he confronted the couple when he saw a light on in one of the bedrooms at all hours. Apparently those lights to grow leave some monster holes in the wall as well. One would think a person might be forthcoming given such a scenario, but as a landlord, I realize the responsibility is on me to pre-screen, screen, and now there will be a marijuana addendum, essentially indicating that tenants not grow (or smoke) on premises even if it is legal to do so. The addendum was Jon the landlord's idea. Jon seemed well-versed on the caregiving issue since he has ten rentals in Boulder. He actually told me he has left some rentals vacant a couple months just to forgo the pot growers.

And what's the big deal you might say? It is after all legal. Yes and no. It's ok to grow 6 plants but what happens if your tenant decides to grow the 7th or the 100th? Properties do get seized if there are drugs involved, even if said home is not the property of the drug dealer. And although growing marijuana and even consuming marijuana is legal in certain conditions in Colorado, I'm not sure the federal government is on the same page as the State of Colorado. And, in the end, smoking is smoking, and although I haven't checked the stats, my guess is that growers are likely tokers. In my opinion, a savvy landlord in Colorado would be wary of renting to caregivers.

Posted by Suellen May, Realtor at 8:43 PM

Alabama Ironies

Well, it seems that I may have inadvertently swerved a disaster. You might remember the house where the tree branch fell into rush hour traffic recently?

Well, it turns out Friday night, the 100 year old tree at the house next door to my rental fell, landing on a car. I am now thinking the money I paid to cut that tree down was well spent.
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Not three minutes after Mr. Spring received my check for replacing the potty at Ms. Angie's home, did I receive a note from Mrs. Spring. She sweetly thanked me for my prompt payment. She told me Mr. Spring would be happy to do more odd jobs any time. Just say the word.

And then, in a twist of irony, gave me a long story about why rent would be late. And, she hoped I didn't mind.

I do. I mind the timing of the whole thing.

Note to Mrs. Spring, it is in bad form to "be happy to help" with more odd jobs, expect payment right away and then drop a quick, rent-will-be-late-now-that-I-have-helped-you-out e-mail, whether that was your intention or not.
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Kirby sent me an e-mail Friday. It said:

Just got off the phone if you can believe it with a lady that wants to see the house tomorrow after she gets off “WORK”. Sounds pretty promising as she did not flinch at the price. Hopefully I can get an application out of her to see how she looks.

My response:

If she has mastered the basics of common courtesy, is sane, gainfully employed, seems to be telling the truth but needs a little nudging, feel free to work a "move-in special" deal.

Preparing Band-Aid Extraction

Experience tells me (with a few exceptions) the first two weeks of the month tend to net the following types of renters:

1. Those who are looking three months before they need to move, figuring they should start early and expect a landlord to be willing to hold a home for them.
2. Those desperate because they were supposed to be out of their home at the end of last month.
3. Nobody else.

The reason most renters tend to start looking into homes around mid-month because they have a paycheck to cover deposits. Also, traditionally, if people move out on the 31st, landlords don't have their homes cleaned and ready to rent until around the 10th, so inventory tends to be thin until mid-month anyway.

In my case, my tenants in Fultondale moved out mid-month, but truly, my home wasn't ready to even show until the 10th of August. Mr. 114 didn't finish all of his tasks until then. However, it didn't stop me from peppering my own Craig's List ads for the past two weeks. Nor did it stop me from pacing the floor, wondering what the hell Kirby was doing with all of his spare time. Why wasn't he spending it on my house?

Finally on Thursday I broke down and called him. Yes, I really waited 12 days. Kirby had no news for me, other than a few Section 8 folks. He respectfully declined on my behalf.

Kirby and I did bandy around a "move in special" or lowering the rent. But, opted to wait until next weekend and see what kind of results we got. Kirby also knows most people don't look to move the first two weeks of the month.

In a gigantic leap of faith, I gave Kirby the following directive: if you need to lower the rental price next week, do so. If you need a move-in special, do so. If he calls and asks me, I will waffle, sniffle and groan. So, just make it happen.

Think of it like pulling off a band-aid. There really is only one way to successfully accomplish a rent reduction--quickly. It only stings for a moment.

Of course, knowing this is "the" weekend most people will be looking, I am crossing my fingers and toes we won't have to go that rent reduction route. Maybe, just maybe, the sane, gainfully employed prospective tenant is out there looking. But if not, it is better to take $100 less than let it sit vacant another month.

I am Never Visiting Carolsue's Mother

The other day a tenant got a violation from the Birmingham police for their lawn being in disarray. Apparently it hadn't been mowed in a month and needed attention. What happens is if the lawn is not mowed in seven days, I get a nasty-gram and a fine from the City. My lease actually addresses this particular scenario. So, the lawn darn well better get mowed.

As Carolsue and I were discussing this particular issue, Carolsue tells me she heard there is a "snake problem" in Birmingham right now. Just so we are clear, I can handle just about any problem, as long as the modifier "snake" is not in front of it. Roof caving in? No problem! Osama bin Laden taking refuge next door to my my Leeds home? No problem. Snakes? Problem.

The Phoenix metro area tends to be a concrete jungle of streets fashioned in an asphalt grid. The neighborhoods are uniform. The terrain is mostly flat. We are urban. Even in the suburbs. Birmingham however, has rolling hills through three counties, with winding roads and woods. Yes, patches of trees and kudzu are interspersed in random areas. Hence, they have wildlife.

I live in the desert. I have scorpions. My wildlife lives in desert parks, in specific destinations of the city. I am good with that. I am one who firmly believes I can coexist with nature, as long as it is over there.

Carolsue however, burst my blissful bubble with her rendition of a "snake problem." In fact, just to drive the point home, she then told me this bedtime story. A home a few doors down from Carolsue's mother, has a warning sign on the window. Carolsue never really thought much about it until recently.

Apparently the home was repossessed by the bank. And, when the bank's representative went into the home, they found two copperhead snake nests. Not two single snakes, but (shudder) nests.

Of course, the exterminators came. But if a snake just happened to be, I don't know..., taking a nap in the attic, playing hide and go seek inside the walls, lounging in the basement or if it just slithered outside for a quick bite at the particular moment the exterminator was there, I am guessing the snake got away. And, according to Carolsue, snakes tend to go back to where they nested year after year. So, the poor person who buys that home, might have a bit of a challenge.

Carolsue's bit of news has prompted me to send out a note to the tenants this week, reminding my tenants to make sure their grass is cut. I can deal with an awful lot, but snakes are my breaking point.

Tapped Out

Why, oh why do All Bad Things Plumbing seem to happen from May through September? It seems to be a yearly phenomena. Potties never seem to break in February.

Thus far, The Marginally Best Plumber in Birmingham, some guy Harold randomly called, Mr. Spring and a random septic guy have all been out to my homes this summer. And, these are only the ones I know about. For all I know, there have been others and the tenants haven't gotten around to saying, "by the way."

And, while I am on this rant, I just got a bill from The Marginally Best Plumber in Birmingham, who charged me $9.15 for a "korky."

I am not sure what a "korky" happens to be. A small, perky cork? And, if so, I have leftover wine bottles with something akin to "korky" that I could have shipped to them. At the rate the plumbing bills are coming in, I will have lots of these things laying around.

A Zen Kind of Day

"There is no reason to have a Plan B because it distracts from Plan A" --Will Smith

Ok. I am calling it in today. I am totally blessed with no drama right now. That may change in a day or so if Ms. Kathy doesn't return my e-mail or phone call, but right now, everything is peaceful.

Peaceful isn't the same as on track. My "Plan A" has a few serious flaws that haven't been rectified. But, Mr. Partner is still on board. We are working on our undercapitalized issues. But that isn't new. I am thinking about starting a blog to describe entertaining real estate clients I am running into along my undercapitalized issue way (Like the 81 year old woman with neck tattoos... but, I digress).

But, today, all I got is a quote.

So, dear reader(s), please join me as I bask in this peaceful moment of my life and soak up the mundane.

I'm loving it.

Dream a Little Dream

A friend sent me this to me. I admit I have had this fantasy.


Fed-up North Carolina landlord spray paints 'deadbeat tenants' on home for unpaid rent
Associated Press


CHARLOTTE, N.C. - A North Carolina landlord fed up with tenants who didn't pay their rent painted her criticism on the garage for all to see.

WBTV reports that landlord Vanessa McCants spray painted the words "deadbeat tenants" on a Charlotte house she rents to Shanae Jackson.

McCants says she hasn't been paid the $1,300 monthly rent for two months and she's losing the home to foreclosure.

Jackson admits she's not paying the rent but says she can't afford both the rent and moving expenses.

Jackson called police after painting over the critique on the side of the home's garage. Police refused to charge McCants because spray painting your own property is not a crime.

Random Bama

Legal Eagle and I are working to figure out where Mr. Smith happens to be employed. We know the name of the company, the type (trucking), but not the employer. There is one such company with a similar name in Alabama. But, according to these folks, no Mr. Smith. There is another in New York. I believe last time the trucking company he worked for was out of New York or New Jersey.

So, we aren't done.

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Carolsue called me earlier this week. Through her connections she was able to find yet, another person to handle the installation of Ms. Angie's potty. This person happens to be Mr. Spring. The same Mr. Spring renting a home from me.

Apparently Mrs. Spring and Carolsue have gotten to be very chummy. Note to Carolsue: please don't give Mrs. Spring this blog address. I am still miffed about Mr. Spring's antics with Legal Eagle (which I paid for!) last October. But, I am grateful Ms. Angie has a functioning bathroom.

_____________________________________________

Ms. Angie reminded me her lease is up. She said she was hesitant to say anything because she didn't want me to raise her rent. I have a few people who are renting from me where there lease is up. I haven't bothered to tell them because I like the freedom of having them go month to month. Fortunately, they aren't the ones who give me grief.

That said, I am just thrilled Ms. Angie has no plans of leaving after the year of water issues this poor woman has tolerated. And yes, because she asked, I am writing her a new lease when I get around to it.

____________________________________________

Speaking of Mrs. Spring, Carolsue said to me the other day, "You would not believe what the Springs have done to that yard." Depending upon where you put the emphasis, that sentence reads very differently.

I heard it as, "Dear Heavens! You would not believe what the Springs have done to that yard! You now need a retinal eye screening and a dental imprint to get passed the security system and barbed wire fence. But no worries, the neighbors across the street can't make it through the dental imprint and the gators in the moat the Springs have put around the front of the home have taken care of them."

What she meant was, "You would not believe what the Springs have done to that fabulous, adorable yard. There is now a charming French-Quarter-like patio, complete with wrought iron railings, cobblestone and fountain off the sun room."

It sounds wonderful. I hope they have no intentions of moving.

Drumming My Fingers, Pacing the Floor

There is nothing more desperate than a landlord with a vacant home.

I'm just saying...

Kirby has been ever-so-patient with me and the whole vacant home thing in Fultondale. This property is owned wholly by Marty Sunshine and I, so we don't have a partner we can turn to if times are lean. Which they aren't. They are moderately low-fat. They will be lean in about four weeks.

Last year, I recall this home being vacant about six weeks before I got Artie and Candy. And, I wasn't excited about them. I took them because they looked a bit better than those who had called before them. And frankly, I am not sorry I took them over the others. I suspect the other applicant I had would have made for great blog fodder and serious migraines.

But, now Artie and Candy are kind of gone. I am still holding their security deposit until they get their yard clippings and broken washing machine out of my shed. When I told Kirby Candy is requiring me to return her deposit in 30 days (per her e-mail) he got a chuckle. In Arizona I am required to return it within 14 days. I think Alabama is somewhat similar. So, if Candy wants to wait 30 days, I am good with that.

Given what I know about rents in the area, we aren't asking too much. But I have to find someone willing to pay it. And, I have a bit of wiggle room if I need to lower it. But I would rather not.

Kirby is getting calls, but nobody chomping at the bit to see the house. And, given Mr. 114 needs to get over there and paint the ceiling where there was a water leak some time ago, it is probably for the best.

What Kirby told me was that he is asking potential tenants to make an offer and see what they are wiling to pay. It is an interesting approach, but it is better than a direct, "no thank you." I am willing to lower the rent if I can find a clone of Mr. Noble or Mrs. Sherwood Forest. And for that matter, I am willing to lower the rent if I just can't find anyone.

Kirby's theory is that those who would normally like that home can't afford it--no matter what the price. That may be. Unemployment is at 12 percent in Jefferson County. That doesn't bode well for any of my homes. I am grateful to only have one (and a half) vacant home(s).

I haven't talked to Kirby this week about potential renters. I am afraid to pester him too much. My experience is he won't get many calls until towards the middle of the month anyway. That's when people start looking.

For now, I am sitting tight for a spell, waiting for the right tenant to come along. They must be sane (Kirby's requirement) and employed (my requirement). I keep reminding myself, it has happened before, this is a nice, spacious house and the right/sane/employed person is out there.

Wanted: One Homeless, Gainfully Employed, Sane, Night Owl

Please understand, this is not a reflection of Kirby's management style. I fret. I stress. I micro-manage. I am aware of these aspects of my personality. But, it is my money on the line.

So, even if it is 12:13 a.m., I am scouring Craig's List, looking to see what is available for rent. Is my rent too high? What is my competition? And Kirby, where the hell is my ad?

Wait! There it is. I found it. Not bad Kirby.

I am also searching the "housing wanted" section as well, looking to see if anyone is desperately searching at 12:13 a.m. (or 2:13 a.m. Alabama time) for a home to live in. If so, I can accommodate them.

I found three ads from such people. One is moving in February, 2011 (note to optimistic Craig's List patron: nobody is going to hold a home for you for six months.). Another is moving from Florida, but they want to be in the Southern part of the Birmingham area--like say, near Hysteria Lane. I am happy to oblige. And, one is asking if there was a landlord out there who would take a co-signer. Um... maybe. Given the circumstances, Kirby might not consider this person to fall under his definition of "sane."

Everyone got an e-mail back, with a blind copy to Kirby.

I also went ahead and posted my own Craig's List ad too. Just a quickie, to hopefully make Kirby's phone ring. Who knows, maybe there are "sane" people reading the ad. Even at 12:13 a.m.