The One Where We Talked About Nothing

Marty Sunshine wanted to give Mr. Partner an update on Monday. "Can we tell him all the rents are in?" he asked.

"Yea, except I am waiting for a last installment from Ms. Kathy. And I know he ok'd helping her out, but I don't know if you really want to explain her payment plan or that I totally expect her to screw up December's rent. He tends to panic when I give him hypothetical scenarios."

"Ok, I will leave that part out. How about everyone else?" he asked.

"That sounds good. Except I am holding one rent until Friday, so you may not want to explain that. The reason was pretty personal. I am certain the check won't bounce, they had a family emergency."

"Never mind. I will just skip that part of the update. Can I tell him all bills are paid?"

"Sure! Except I got a bill for the electrician I haven't paid. But then you would have to explain the electrical fire. And I am expecting a bill from the window guy. Did you tell him about the window?" I asked.

"Forget it. What can I tell him?" he asked.

"Well, nothing is going on right now. Why not just tell him that?" I said.

Marty considered it for a moment and finally said, "I think I will just skip this week's update."

Waxing Philosophic

"You know, you really don't want to criticize people who have purple hair. It's just not safe."

--Carolsue

For the Record

There was money in an envelope attached to Carolsue's door when she went outside on Saturday morning. No name, no explanation. And, because she wasn't expecting money from anyone else and it was the exact amount we were expecting, Carolsue decided it came from Ms. Kathy. I can live with that.

I Would Have Been In Tears Too

I have gotten so spoiled of late. And, I am grateful. Carolsue--bless her!--has been taking it upon herself to handle the stuff that makes me crazy. Namely tenants who can't manage money.

Friday, Carolsue was supposed to meet Ms. Kathy to collect part of my missing rent. So, she hauled herself across town, at the beginning of rush hour, to find out Ms. Kathy stood her up. None-too-pleased for this fool's errand, Carolsue found a pay phone and called Ms. Kathy.

When Carolsue finally got in touch with her, she found out Ms. Kathy decided she needed a car tire more than she needed to pay me. Though I am not privy to the particulars, I understand Carolsue's rant lasted so long that she had to deposit more than a dollar into the phone so she could finish chewing Ms. Kathy out. Ms. Kathy didn't hang up on Carolsue, but instead listened intently to what Carolsue thought of her, her mother and her lineage. Carolsue also told her to start packing, because I was having none of this--though I didn't know it at the time.

Apparently Ms. Kathy called back in tears a couple hours later. She found someone willing to loan her the rest of the money she owes and would show up Saturday morning bright and early to deliver. Let's hope she does. Because there is no telling what I may find out I am willing to do.

The Trade-Off

We have had a lot of repairs of late. I believe my electrican is naming his first born after me. And, I got a postcard from my plumber and his wife on their world-cruise. They wanted to thank me for making it possible.

In the years we have been doing this, I think this is probably the first year where I have had consistant repairs. I understand that once in a while there might be a bee hive in your wall (ok, I don't understand...), and I get that once in a while a flood takes over a basement, but right now I don't think there is a home I own where something hasn't been fixed of late.

Marty Sunshine and I were discussing this. The first few years we did this I rarely talked to any type of trademen. Generally, a tenant might tell me they had a problem, but they handled it themselves. When we started discussing, it occurred to us, that the major difference is that we have better tenants now.

My best guess is better tenants expect a better quality product. Lower quality tenants don't tend to mention the broken window, electrical issue or gas leak, because they don't want me to notice the rent is late. Simply put, lower quality tenants have lower expectations. And, I would much rather pay for an electrican bill than a lawyer's bill.

Don't Try This At Home

One of my tenants is having a bit of an issue. She has been renting from me for more than a year.

Ms. Jane was doing just fine. Everything was going swimmingly until a few months ago when she bounced a check. From what I understand, she took a check from her daughter, paid bills on it and her daughter's check bounced, thus causing a lot of chaos in Ms. Jane's life.

As soon as her rent check bounced and before I even knew, she sent me an e-mail and called me letting me know this happened. However, she apparently had bounced several checks. From what I understand, she ran up more than $1,000 in bank fees alone.

Though things are ok with her and I, I spoke with her yesterday. She has not caught up since she had this fiasco. And, to make matters worse, she thought she could do a payday loan to just take care of what she owed, get caught up with her bills and then just pay back the payday loan. So, she went online, put in a bunch of personal information about her life, and then had a change of heart. She couldn't do it. She didn't take out the payday loan.

However, the payday loan people didn't see it that way. They took money out of her bank account, signed her up for a variety of online programs that she (and I) have never heard of and have debited her account. Now sadly she is overdrawn again.

I suggested she contact the Alabama Attorney General's Office to see if she could recoup some of her losses. She warned me never to do a payday loan and told me to tell everyone I knew to do the same. No problem!

At This Rate, I Could Drive Over and Do It Myself

Stop me if you have heard this before: EVERYTHING MOVES SLOWER IN THE SOUTH.

You would think--even if nobody is making this window any more, which apparently nobody is--it would be a simple process of making a frame, cutting some glass and slapping the finished product on to the house in Leeds. For whatever reason, this is not the case. How long would you think it would take to get a window replaced? A week? Two weeks? Nope. 45 days.

Of course this handy-dandy notice comes via Carolsue whose window guy turned out to be better than my two window guys. He actually gave Carolsue a quote. I am still waiting for the first company to call me when they arrive at the property and I am waiting for the second company to call me with a quote.

An Early Thanksgiving

All my homes are currently rented, with my biggest issue right now being I need to find a window for the home in Leeds. Thankfully, Carolsue took it upon herself to see if she could have better luck with a glass company than I (thank you!). As I write this, I am crossing my fingers this minor issue will be resolved soon.

Although everything is rented, there are still ups and downs. I have tenants between jobs, which puts me on my toes that there might be changes on the horizon. Ms. Kathy is struggling right now--also keeping me on alert. Mr. Partner and I are working on a few long-term things. But, none of these are instant issues. And, it is a really nice feeling. I don't foresee any of my tenants as deadbeats at this very time. That might change tomorrow. But there is no reason to borrow trouble.

At any rate, I have a wonderful peace about how things are going as of today--one I haven't felt in a while. And, I am grateful for a lull in the excitement.

And Yes, His Name Really is Chip

Ms. Betty left me a broken window. Mrs. Spring wants the window fixed. She apparently is a bit fussy about having the neighbors and cold air coming in at all hours of the night. At one point, her husband offered to fix it. Mrs. Spring, who apparently has some experience with her husband's handyman abilities declined--which is too bad, because it might have happened faster.

Though broken windows aren't something I am terribly familiar with, I have replaced had one or two during my time as a home owner and landlord. All of these windows resided in Arizona. In Arizona, getting a broken window fixed is simple. I call Chip, my glass guy. He comes out, fixes the window. I pay him. We part friends.

When I started this process in Alabama, I figured I would find a Chip-like person who could provide me with a moderate level of service. I am really not terribly particular. As long as they can replace the window, we will probably get along.

I started looking on Monday. First I sent an e-mail to my main contacts over there saying, "Anyone know where I can find someone who can replace a window?" Sadly, nobody did. I now know why.

I then started randomly calling until I found someone who answered the phone. The guy I talked to only handed car windows. But, he sent me to a window company he thought might do the trick. When I called this fabulous company, the woman I talked to didn't understand me and I was having a hard time with her thick drawl. Eventually I understood her to say someone would be going out to the house and they would call me later that day to give me a quote. I heard nothing.

On Thursday, I called another company I found. I got the exact spiel from the person who answered the phone. Except, this time I did get a call a few hours later from Daniel, who said he was on his way to the Leeds house. And, would I be meeting him there? Once we got everything straight (I am in Phoenix Arizona, not Phenix City Alabama) he told me no problem! He would call me when he got there. True to his word, once he arrived, we chatted again. This time he told me he would call me back with a quote. I have heard nothing.

Mrs. Spring is moving in this weekend. And the window isn't fixed. I would feel much worse about it if she hadn't held my lease hostage for a week. I have already been in contact with her, explaining it just isn't done. But it will be. Even if I have to send Chip out there to do it himself.

Shades of Green

In the past few weeks, my new tenants, the Greens, have peppered Carolsue with phone calls. These calls range from inane to trivial.

The first time they called, they wanted to know if Carolsue or I had a key to the home. When Carolsue confirmed, yes, we did, they were surprised! "Why?" they asked. And, why indeed would the landlord have a key to their home? And, is this really a problem when the landlord is 1700 miles away?

Also, Mr. Green recently called Carolsue, asking her to bring over a can of popcorn spray so he could take care of a small patch on the ceiling. And, by the way, the bathroom sink is stopped up.

When I heard about this, I told Carolsue Mr. Green could go to the hardware store, get his own personal can of popcorn spray, fax me the receipt and I would be happy to reimburse the $6.99 if it was so important to him. But, I saw no reason for her to drive over on her own time for such a silly errand. After all, it is not a good idea to set a precedent with having Carolsue run errands for a tenant.

That's when Mrs. Green got involved. Yes, the sink was stopped up--and thank you for calling the plumber--but there was absolutely no way they were going to send me a receipt for the popcorn spray. And oh my! She was horribly embarrassed that her husband would be so petty to ask for something so minor.

Also during that call, Mrs. Green started in with Carolsue, explaining how her elderly mother--who is living with them--thinks I am a cheapskate because I had the downstairs potty replaced (it was cracked and leaking) and I didn't replace the upstairs one. Momma wanted Mrs. Green to call me immediately and demand I replace the toilet. Instead, Mrs. Green went to the local hardware store, bought a new seat and Momma now thinks I replaced the entire toilet.

And finally, a few days after this call, Mrs. Green called Carolsue. Could she have my bank account number so she could deposit the rent in my account? She didn't want it to be late. Of course rent isn't due for a few more weeks. Carolsue gently explained that she could just put a stamp on the envelope and send it to me. It would be ok.

Yep, I think I am going to like the Greens.

Guido Sue

I gave Ms. Kathy until Tuesday morning to call me with a solution to her situation. I told her specifically, if she didn't call, I would assume we weren't working together anymore. Though I am no Ms. Kathy, it seemed to me that was a pretty simple directive.

Meanwhile, I talked to Carolsue and told her if I didn't hear from Ms. Kathy, I would let Carolsue know and she could serve her. Truthfully, I did not want a vacant home around the holidays. Even if Ms. Kathy left right away. And, if she left it reasonable clean and Carolsue had nothing better to do than spit-shine it in no time, it would probably sit vacant until at least January.

So, when I called Carolsue at 1 p.m. my time on Tuesday to give her the go-ahead, she said, "I just walked in the door. There is money in your account now."

Apparently, Carolsue had as much of an expectation of Ms. Kathy calling as I did. So, she took it upon herself to call Ms. Kathy. Carolsue told her she was on her way to Ms. Kathy's house to serve her or pick up money. And, which did Ms. Kathy prefer?

Carolsue also gave Ms. Kathy one of her patented tongue lashings she reserves for the most foolish of my tenants. Though I don't know if it will sink in, hopefully Ms. Kathy will get it together. Because right now all my homes are occupied. And it is a very nice feeling.

The End is Near

There are some basic rules in life. These aren't things that any institution of higher learning will offer you. My own children, who have very little structure to their education, could even pass this test: be nice to others, play by the rules, eat your veggies and don't annoy your landlord to the point where she decides to kick you out.

Pretty darn simple, don't you think?

Ms. Kathy lost every once of good will she had with me on Monday. You see, Ms. Kathy and I had rent drama in September. Everything worked out ok, but a simple call saying rent was going to be sent a week late might have gone far to ensure I didn't get all twitchy.

But she didn't. She made me chase her down. Then, she got a tongue lashing from Carolsue. I would think that alone would make anyone shape up. I know it scares me.

In October, Ms. Kathy called me on the day rent was due and asked for an extension. You see, she is a widow and is on social security. So, would it be a problem to pay a couple week's late when her check arrived? Additionally, she assured me she had gotten a part-time job so there shouldn't be any problems in the future.

Sadly, Ms. Kathy didn't send her check until Saturday--many days after she promised it. I only found this out because I called her and said, "Where's the rent you promised?"

Sunday I sent her an abrupt, yet polite, e-mail. I told her I would appreciate the same courtesy returned that I have extended her up until this point. I have been happy to work with her, but I would not be made a fool. If she says she is mailing the rent on a certain date, then that is what I am going with: her word. I also thanked her for sending the rent check and asked her if the next one would be on time.

She wrote me saying she just paid the electric out of her rent money so my rent check is going to bounce. Also, the reason she was late was because she needed to go to the dentist, her daughter's car had been impounded and other bills that aren't my problem. She ended it with, "I don't know what to do."

She didn't know what to do???

After my voice mail to her, explaining that she missed the part of my e-mail where I said I wouldn't be made a fool, I didn't expect to hear from her. But she surprised me and called anyway.

I give her props for being brave enough to talk to me. I wasn't very nice in my voice mail and when I got on the phone with her my mouth was in over-drive. I told her I too am a mother. I have gone with a tooth ache so my kids could have a roof over their head. I told her there is no reason to pay for electricity if there was no place to use it and it wouldn't be fun to live in her car. I also told her I didn't relish evicting her, but I have even kicked out a mother with a three-week old baby so I could do a widow at Thanksgiving (I didn't tell her that I suspect there is a special place in hell for me for evicting the baby, but I digress...).

I didn't offer her solutions. This isn't my problem. But I recommended she figure it out and let me know how that check can be current. Sell something? Payroll advancement? A relative? I find people are more innovative when their backs are to a wall. And, my tolerance for BS is at an all-time low.

And, now I am going to pray I don't have to evict a widow on to the street during the holidays. But it looks like I probably will.

********************************************************

And on another note, Happy Birthday to my dear friend and lawyer in training. Law school will be over before you know it.

A Little Ray of Sunshine

I had barely hung up with Artie on Monday morning when the phone rang before 8 a.m. Again.

This time it was my tenant, Ms. Angie. She called to tell me she was a grandmother! Her daughter had a baby girl. And, she was sending me a photo to my phone. I could recieve pictures on my phone? Right?

Angie was darn near giddy. And she wanted to share her news with me, her landlord.

For the record, the baby is adorable.

A Happy Ending

So Mark and Jean are renting out thier home in Phoenix. They would be here, living in their home had life not taken some turns. Mark has been currently deployed to Arkansas, and isn't sure where he will be going after that. Jean and their daughter are hanging out with him. They have been there two years thus far.

While they have been away, I have been coordinating renters for them. They had one for six months. That family moved out. They had another for two months. That family moved out too. Then they had a third who have been graciously hanging out, keeping the place spit-shined (I drive by) for a year now.

Last month Jean sent me an e-mail. Her current tenants filed bankruptcy. "That isn't a big deal is it?" she asked.

Well yes. It can be. But it doesn't have to be. I immediately e-mailed her her and said "CALL ME!" The subtext was, "Do I have a horror story for you."

There is a big difference between owning a gazillion homes with a partner and owning one you weren't planning on moving out of in the first place. I didn't exactly want to give Jean my horror story, but I wanted her to be prepared. And in doing so, I told her all I know.

Bankruptcy laws are federal, not state-by-state or on a case-by-case basis. If a tenant opts to file bankruptcy on their landlord they can do so. But don't expect the landlord to be all that excited. And, a landlord can petition the court to ask your tenants to leave sooner than later (though Howie the Hack never got around to it--they left on their own instead). But, if the bankruptcy takes six months before the hearing and you do nothing or the court doesn't care, the tenats stay six months rent-free before they give up the house.

I also told Jean, the best case scenario is the tenants kept paying rent. After all, if they have a bankruptcy, they aren't going to rent a home as nice as theirs for a very loooong time. So, it is in the tenants' best interests to pay for where they live.

Monday night I got a text from Jean. She got December's rent. It was music to their ears, as they had no idea what they would do if the tenants didn't pay. Mark has a top-secret clearance that will go away if he has a foreclosure or short sale on his record. And, they aren't in a position to carry the extra mortgage for more than a month or two.

I wish my bankruptcy folks had been half as honorable. But, at least they left. Otherwise they would have stayed from June to November rent free.

Ineptitude Exhausts Me

I really thought I kicked the nap-a-day habit I started three weeks ago when I got sick. I hadn't taken a nap since Tuesday! I was doing just fine, wondering if there was some sort of reward, like a gold star, one might obtain when they are awake for a total of 8 hours at a time two days in a row. Sadly, I didn't earn my chip.

It wasn't my fabulous lunch with a dear friend today that wore me out, or my mother coming over to babysit that taxed my energy levels. Oh no. It was the Springs.

When I relayed my latest incident to Carolsue she said, "You know, sometimes I think, 'bless their heart, they had a run of bad luck'. But with these two, I am now thinking 'bless their hearts, they are just morons'."

You see, I got the lease back from Mrs. Spring. I went to print it out, sign my name on the signature page so she could get the utilities turned on when I found out she sent me every page of the lease, except the signature page. Now, it might just be me, but if I am trying to rent a house--and even if I am a renter virgin--I would still know that I need to send the second party the signature page of a contract. And, if I could send every page except the signature page, I might rightly assume the other party would think I was an idiot.

Instead of calling Mrs. Spring an idiot, I wrote her back, telling her to please resend the signature page. Until I got it, we didn't have a lease. And, I was ok with that. I was already envisioning less annoying people living in this home.

To her credit, Mrs. Spring sent over a document lighting quick. However, she sent me the signature page from her rental application. You know, the document I look at before I approve them. It isn't really like you can confuse the two pieces of paper. One says "Please include a photo ID with this APPLICATION." The other just has a place for a LANDLORD to sign. An honest mistake, I am sure.

When I opened up her newest document, I was on the phone with Carolsue. When I told her Mrs. Spring flubbed this up, Carolsue said, "Send the e-mail to me. Don't write her back. I doubt you would say anything tactful at this point."

And this would be a problem why?

I told Carolsue these clowns had until 8 a.m. Friday morning to send me ONE MEASLY PIECE OF PAPER WITH THEIR SIGNATURES or all bets are off. I was putting an ad in the paper and they could spend Christmas in the 700 square foot falling down trailer. A just reward for this level of ineptitude.

Then I went upstairs and crawled under the covers.

Ms. Candy's Bad Weekend

On Friday, I found out Artie and Candy bounced the rent check. Oh dear. At first, I called Candy. She hasn't set up her voice mail just yet. So, it was on to Artie. Actually, Carolsue called Artie, because she has a Birmingham number. Artie called me back in no time flat.

Artie acted floored. Which is usually the reaction I hear--whether legit or not. I was skeptical. As Candy wrote the check, Artie assured me knew nothing about this and he would find out what was going on and call me in an hour.

Forty-nine minutes later, Artie called. "Ms. Landlord? Let me put Ms. Candy on the phone with you." Before I could even say, "ok," Candy was on the phone. Meekly she told me she would make this right. What did they need to do? When I talked to Candy she sounded like she wanted to be anywhere but on the phone with me or dealing with Artie. This was not the way she was intending to start her weekend.

When she and I were done, I hung up, figuring there was a 50/50 chance this would be resolved quickly like she said it would. Not five seconds later, Artie called back. "Ms. Landlord?"

"Please call me by my first name." I said.

"No ma'am. I have done you wrong and we aren't square right now. I will do no such thing. I owe you money." I was guessing at that moment, the odds of this being rectified just shot up significantly. Artie went on to tell me this would not happen again. I had his word.

On Saturday, the bank wasn't open, so I gave them until 11 a.m. Monday to deposit the money in my account--complete with a late fee. I was intending to have them served at work at noon if they didn't come through. At 7:45, Artie called, the money was in my account. And, he assured me, this was a one-time problem.

Stick a Fork in Me

I am burned out on the Springs. When I woke up Tuesday, I was mad at myself for giving in to these folks. And though they may turn out all right, the fact is I have violated my basic rules as a business owner and landlord: never, ever, ever work with clowns. Ever.

Sadly, I recognize the desperation in this decision. We weren't getting a lot of traffic. The holidays are coming. The neighbors are crazy. Even in Leeds, where the level of sophistication is significantly lower than many other more cosmopolitan areas, like say, Hooterville, it is still hard to rent out a house under these circumstances.

The reason I was open to them to begin with was because they sounded employed, responsible and mature (and for the most part, they still do). Most likely the Springs will stay for a few years, put down roots and leave me alone for the duration of their lease. They won't care about the weekly meetings of the redneck mafia or the people with the rusted out junked out cars in their front yard.

All Mrs. Spring wants is a home where her grandchildren can come visit. The house in Leeds is at least one and a half, if not twice, the size of her trailer. To her, it is her Buckingham Palace.

But I still am hating myself for giving in. I know better. I was lamenting this to Carolsue on Tuesday, and also pointing out the Springs haven't turned in their lease. And, couldn't the very act of not turning in the lease could be construed as a voidable contract?

As a way of getting me off the phone, Carolsue decided to call Mrs. Spring and remind her that we weren't going any further until I had a lease, and it might be in her best interest to send it. NOW. Meanwhile I decided to start returning voice mails from my ad last weekend.

I am really glad I did. I have found a few people who might fit the bill a bit better. One woman knew exactly where the home was. She had deposit money and rent money. When could she move in? Another man had his landlord die and now the estate was selling the home. He grew up in the area. He was also interested. And, they were willing to pay more for rent than the Springs.

At that point, I started hoping the Springs would just blow off the lease. The grass was greener and I didn't already hate these possible prospective tenants. And, even if they didn't take the place, it reminded me the perfect tenant is just around the corner. Even in Leeds. But, even if the Springs ended up performing, I have learned my lesson: never, ever indulge clowns.

Around 5 p.m. Carolsue called me to break my euphoria. Mr. Spring had driven the 40 miles into town for the expressed purpose of bringing the lease to Mrs. Spring for them both to sign. However, he "forgot" to bring the lease with him. So, they needed me to resend it. It was on Mrs. Spring's other e-mail on her home computer. "You know she has a g-mail account right?" I asked Carolsue. "She could just pull up the e-mail from anywhere." Of course, this was really Mrs. Spring's way of saying they were just getting to it. She assured Carolsue they would be faxing it over immediately.

I was crestfallen Mrs. Spring had called needing a new copy of the lease. I am sure Mr. Spring was even more crestfallen.

I still haven't received the lease. And, if I don't have it this morning, I am done.

Renter Virgins

I am pretty much done with the Springs. They made Legal Eagle waste a bunch of time on Friday. They are bugging the heck out of Carolsue. They asked for concessions on the rent. They want the deposits broken down. There is nothing attractive about this. Anyone I have ever dealt with that fits this profile has caused me nothing but grief.

However Marty Sunshine and Carolsue are pulling rank. They both think the Springs rock. Or, perhaps they think the Springs are the best we are going to get for the Leeds home and let's not quibble about the annoying things when we have someone naive enough to want to live in that neighborhood. Either way, they both think the Springs are worth the hassle.

The main difference with the Springs and anyone else--and the only reason why I am even listening to Carolsue and Marty Sunshine is that the Springs aren't professional renters. In thier 50s, they haven't rented in 30 years. This is brand new territory. You need a deposit to rent a home? That's a new one for these folks. They really didn't know.

They are, as Carolsue dubbed, "Renter Virgins." They are acting like they are buying a home. Negotiating this. Negotiating that. They are quibbling about little things which only annoy me--the landlord.

I am at the point where I just don't care. Sign the lease. Don't sign the lease. Let me get on with my life. When I shared this with Carolsue, she offered to call Mrs. Spring and shame her.

Apparently she explained to Mrs. Spring how her husband embarrassed me with Legal Eagle by making her wait around an extra hour and a half. She also mentioned I pay Legal by the hour (which hopefully in this case I won't be billed for). She mentioned that they have already used up all their favors and coming back to me asking for the deposits broken down because, as Mrs. Spring wrote me, "I also have two young grandchildren with birthdays next weekend. I don't plan to neglect their birthdays" isn't a good way to start this relationship.

Carolsue apparently got it through Mrs. Spring's head--they are living on borrowed time. So, don't ask for anything else. Ever.

I am crossing my fingers Carolsue and Marty are right about this one. If the Springs rent, I don't want tons of stuff to write about down the road that involves these clowns. Because I am pretty burned out on any topic that involves the Leeds home.

Nah... It Isn't Real

I think I am happy all my properties are in the United States. Or, at least I am happy I don't have anything to rent in the United Kingdom.

I got an e-mail from this fellow on Saturday. This is it--exactly as I received it:

Good day to you over there,i am Reverend Williams by name,i saw this unit been advertised on craigslist.com and am much more interested in renting it having read the details about it in the ad which really suites my taste.I will be signing a one year lease or more for the unit depending on how the area is conducive for my daughter and I,i will want to know the modalities in renting it and the actual price to pay per month ,i will be working with the Christian Centers in the city and will be living with my lovely daughter(Lowrie) whom is 12years old.I will be looking forward to hear from you as soon as possible as i will want to conclude the rental process before i arrive on the 31st of October.
Regards
Rev Williams

I wrote him back, explaining that it would be a long commute for the good reverend. And, good luck in securing something.

However, I don't believe for a moment this is legitimate. I have seen way too many variations of this in the past year. I have seen British missionaries, British farmers, British insurance salesmen, British chefs, British nannies and British dog walkers. The pattern is always the same--a poorly written e-mail announcing their occupation and an urgency to move.

I have a hard time believing there are so many potential tenants in England with poor planning skills and even worse written communication skills. Even the people contacting me in Leeds Alabama aren't consistantly this bad.

My guess is if I had egged him on (and if I felt better, I might have), I would have found out he was going to send me a hot check for me to divy out between six other people. Generally when I get these e-mails I go along with it out of morbid curiosity. I used to think there was some misunderstanding between Leeds England and Leeds Alabama, US, but that has never been the case.

Perhaps the good reverend is really on the level? If so, the British masses before him who wrote similar e-mails have will made it difficult for this poor guy.

The Winter of My Discontent

I absolutely believe the most I will ever learn about a tenant is from the time they decide they want the home until they sign the lease. This has certainly been the case with the Springs.

When Mrs. Spring told me they wanted the home, I figured this would be such a simple process. She would fill out the application. She would fax me the application. She would put down a modest deposit to hold the home so I would stop advertising it. She would then fill out the lease, return it to me, bring me the rest of the security deposit and the first month's rent. At that point Carolsue would meet Mrs. Spring out at the home and hand her the keys. How hard could this be?

The big monkey wrench is that Mr. Spring wants to continue living in his 700 square foot broken down trailer 40 miles from the outskirts of Birmingham. He owns it free and clear. He really doesn't understand Mrs. Spring's obsessive need to move closer to her job, civilization and have a functioning home. After all, it is free.

This week I have witnessed the behind the scenes dynamics of this marriage. They originally were interested in the home. Then Mr. Spring called Carolsue saying they changed their mind. Then Mrs. Spring called me saying "we changed our minds again." I suspect in this case, "we" really is Mrs. Spring and Mr. Spring happens to enjoy being married.

Of course, it would help her case if Mrs. Spring was a bit more cooperative as well. On Friday morning, I hadn't received the application. Before I went out on my errand, I called her. Yes, she was going to send it in. However, she needed Mr. Spring's signature. She would be getting it at lunch. And, by the way, could she give a modest deposit to Legal Eagle so I would stop advertising? Of course, that would be fine. And remember, it has to be certified funds, not a personal check.

Mrs. Spring was thrilled. They could handle that. And, great! Then they could move in right? Um. No. I would need a lease--which comes after the application, which I hadn't received yet--the remainder of the security deposit and the rent. At that point they can have the keys.

"Oh." Mrs. Spring said, with disappointment resonating through the phone line. "I was hoping to move in this weekend. I might have to break the deposits down."

"I don't do that." I said.

"Oh. That might be a problem."

Yes, I can see that. In fact, I see several problems.

Though this issue hadn't been resolved, Mrs. Spring opted to help secure her chances by getting Legal Eagle a deposit to hold the home. While having lunch with Mr. Spring, she called Legal Eagle and asked for directions to Legal's office. She was then going to send Mr. Spring out to drop off this money. She assured Legal Eagle he would be there by 3 p.m. That worked out well. Legal Eagle was leaving at 3 p.m.

At 3 p.m. Mr. Spring called Legal Eagle's office and asked who he should make the check out to. Legal Eagle explained it had to be certified funds. I didn't tell her to say this, she knew.

At 3:30 Mr. Spring called asking for directions to Legal Eagle's office. Apparently he didn't understand the ones given to him earlier or threw the earlier directions out. According to Legal Eagle, he was under some sort of mistaken impression this lawyer was waiting for him while standing on a street corner waving a sign saying, "I am Legal Eagle."

At 4 p.m. Mrs. Spring called. Mr. Spring was on his way. Wanna bet Mr. Spring said he wasn't coming and Mrs. Spring changed his mind?

At 4:30, Legal Eagle had graciously waited an hour and a half longer than she should have. She was pulling out of her office parking lot when Mr. Spring called. He was in the area but couldn't find her office. "No problem. I am in my car. I can come to you," she offered. Mr. Spring stammered and made up some sort of lame excuse before dropping this bombshell: he hadn't bothered to get a money order or cashier's check. And, by the way, he wasn't as close as he thought to her office.

Legal Eagle told him, try again Monday. Bring certified funds, get it right and cross your fingers I still have the house available because this was unacceptable. I am guessing Mr. Spring isn't very good at exercising his passive-aggressive tendencies.

When she told me this I stammered, "You scared away a potential tenant!"

"Have you gotten the application yet?"

"Well, no," I replied.

"So you don't really have a potential tenant," She said. "And, he obviously doesn't want the house." She had me there.

After getting bawled out from Legal Eagle who wasted longer than necessary in the office waiting for this guy, he called Carolsue. Apparently he was unaware Carolsue knew anything about this. Carolsue told him she wasn't planning on showing the home this weekend, but if anyone came along, she would. So, if they want the place, it might be a good idea to step it up. The first part would be to turn in the application.

I did get the application late Friday. And, Carolsue got a call at 7:30 Saturday morning from Mrs. Spring. She was terribly sorry for all of this confusion. It is no reflection upon their competence and ability to rent the property. Would it be possible to drive the 40 miles into town and bring a cashier's check to Carolsue? Pretty please?

From what I understand, Mr. Spring came along as well, being metaphorically dragged by his ear. Poor guy. I am guessing Mr. Spring isn't having a very good weekend.